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Hi, I recently lost my grandmother. She was old and fragile, and I was worried about her for months. I had been taking care of her but I never thought this would happen so soon. I don't think you can really prepare for death. I know that everyone dies, but I find it so hard to accept.
She was very generous to everyone, which makes her loss so difficult. Unfortunately they are located so far away they haven't been able to see her. She was in no condition to travel.
I am trying to keep it together, but I feel so incredibly empty. I don't have much desire for life, but I had been struggling with that for my whole life anyway. I have been depressed before, and I believe I have social anxiety to some extent. I don't have many friends, so I find this all extremely overwhelming.
I hope I can move on somehow. I am avoidant and it is hard to connect with people.
Thanks for reading.

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Dear new133,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your beloved grandmother. I'm so sorry for all your pain and sorrow. I know this is a very difficult time. Grief is a terrible journey that I wish none us had to take.

What you said is so true, none of us could ever prepare for the reality of death. And accepting how final it is. It feels so surreal.

Sounds like your grandmother was a beautiful person. And so blessed to have a caring and loving grandchild in you.

I know its hard to connect with people. But please know you are not alone. We are all here for you. And if you want to at some point maybe consider joining a support group or talking to a grief counselor.

Take care my friend. Thinking of you. Sending you lots of love and hugs. Reader.

 

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I've always had messed up dreams. Sometimes i don't remember much. But one of them involved a group of people I somehow felt familiar with. One girl killed herself and the other did the same and I saw what happened.
Other times I see my grandma and she's in the same deteriorated condition before her death. I wish she wasn't. I wish she was free and independent but sadly that isn't the case. Sometimes people see their loved ones in a youthful or healthier form. I don't see that and I continue wondering what happens after death, can't help but feel as though you fade into nothing.
Last night she was talking. I don't remember what was going on but she was lying down and communicating and I was asking if she was okay and where she is. I don't know what she said. Some woman saw what was happening and was terrified and felt the need to set her on fire and where she was because she thought it wasn't real or some kind of demon. wtf?
I'm kind of used to weird dreams but this is unfair.

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new133,

I believe that our loved ones can communicate through dreams, but the hard part is that we can also conjure our own dreams of them. It can be hard to differentiate between a genuine communication attempt and our own mind going crazy and making stuff up.

I really do not think that the dream you described there was a form of communication. It might have just been your own mind, working through the horrible feelings that we are forced to endure in these experiences. We often fear what our loved ones might have felt at the time of death. None of us know what the experience of dying actually feels like.

But they do say that a genuine communication will be not only extremely vivid, but will plant itself firmly in your mind and you will not forget it even over time. Many dreams we have, we tend to forget even if we try not to, unless we write them down. But dreams that are actual communications apparently are so vivid that we remember every last detail, even down to what the person said and how they looked and sounded. 

Even your dreams of suicide may simply be your mind's way of processing the fact that you might have felt that way yourself. I admit that I have had many suicidal moments, they come and go, but I have had periods of time wherein I wish I was dead, just so I could go be with my beloved. I have never had a dream about suicide but that doesn't mean that you wouldn't have that kind of dream if you ever had those thoughts, even subconsciously. 

The experience of loss brings forward feelings of despair that I don't even know why it's possible to feel. It's just not fair, but I guess the price we pay for being able to feel such euphoria when we love someone, is that we must also feel intense pain when we lose that person...

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What sucks is that I thought I was recording what happened in my dream because I knew she was gone so I checked my phone when I woke up and nope I didn't obviously..
What I'm afraid of is they are gone forever, lost in the universe. That's what makes me so angry and anxious, when I think about her last moments and seeing her face, I feel like I can't breathe. It's worse than the panic attacks from long ago because I knew what triggered those, and now I can't repair the loss that I still don't understand. That image isn't going to go away.. even if I feel fine one moment (even great) or terrible the next. It doesn't seem to matter what I feel. Deep down I am broken. 

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I don't know what to do. another several decades.
I dreamt of the death of another. That scared me. It made me think yes, it can actually get worse and what pain i feel now is somehow insufficient. I am sick of these dreams.
At this point I'll be happy if I knew there was an afterlife or reincarnation or something.
What happens to all the souls? I don't want a random chaotic mess. But that's what i'm scared of.
I don't want complete emptiness. I want her back, in a healthy form, just alive or at least experiencing happiness somewhere whether here or elsewhere. I just want the knowledge that that is what happens. But I'll never know. Why live if I keep asking this over and over? I'm driving myself nuts.
It can't be normal to experience loss and to never see or experience that person again. How do people just accept that and move on? I know that life is cruel, but this feels like the worst. How can you love and lose? I don't understand how anyone can cope. I guess they just live their lives with emptiness. Maybe they can find happiness to some degree but how can they ever be truly happy, knowing suffering exists and not knowing what happens after death.
 

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On 3/4/2017 at 7:42 PM, new133 said:

I don't know what to do. another several decades.
I dreamt of the death of another. That scared me. It made me think yes, it can actually get worse and what pain i feel now is somehow insufficient. I am sick of these dreams.
At this point I'll be happy if I knew there was an afterlife or reincarnation or something.
What happens to all the souls? I don't want a random chaotic mess. But that's what i'm scared of.
I don't want complete emptiness. I want her back, in a healthy form, just alive or at least experiencing happiness somewhere whether here or elsewhere. I just want the knowledge that that is what happens. But I'll never know. Why live if I keep asking this over and over? I'm driving myself nuts.
It can't be normal to experience loss and to never see or experience that person again. How do people just accept that and move on? I know that life is cruel, but this feels like the worst. How can you love and lose? I don't understand how anyone can cope. I guess they just live their lives with emptiness. Maybe they can find happiness to some degree but how can they ever be truly happy, knowing suffering exists and not knowing what happens after death.
-----------

Hi. I want you to know that the only reason I'm writing out or sharing what has helped me is because you have continually made posts that indicate very many questions, and you remind me of myself. That being said, I cannot understand the pain you are going through right now. No one can. And that's part of what makes this process incredibly lonely. 

I am currently dealing with the loss of my best friend who I hung out with every day (he was my roomate, and we did everything together).  I also have lost my two grandmothers and a grandfather. Like you, I have social anxiety, and aside tendencies of depression.  I cannot imagine what it must be like having lost your grandmother, and can tell from your posts, that one way in which it seems you are grappling with this is writing out all your questions, as you have done here.

 

What would happen if you bought a journal just for the purpose of all those questions? And wrote about your dreams? If  you consciously spent all the more time writing out your feelings? I only ask these questions because it seems to be what you are already doing. 

As for your questions, what i have found isn't so much that I cope with the fact Nick, my best friend is gone. My entire approach to life has shifted. All of my beliefs about reality changed. The things I focus on in my writing completely surround suffering and death. In accepting how the loss has changed me as a person, rather than trying to move on or live the same, I feel a small sense of relief. For me, grief hasn't been so much about trying to move on. It has been about figuring out how I can carry Nick with me every day in a healthy way. 

A book that has helped me tremendously is Grief is a Journey, by Dr. Kenneth J. Doka. Dr. Doka believes that idea grief is about "moving on" is a myth...and that one reason people get stuck, is because they believe they must move on, or they see other people moving on. 



 

 

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Hi Jake, I appreciate your post.
Thank you. I am sorry for your loss as well. It is hard.
I continue to write here when I can. I prefer typing it out for now at least.
I am not sure I even know what moving on means. I just want to know what happened to my grandma.
Although, even if I knew, the pain of the separation is still there. What I also want to know is how I can deal with it.
Part of me already knows the answer. I need to be able to connect with others. As you know that's hard already.
It is hard to trust people. The few people I've met have been online (generally) and even that doesn't work out.
The last time I actually befriended people face to face was probably high school. So long ago.
I am afraid of giving so much effort into a friendship and not getting anything back. I don't even want much. Just a balance. Reciprocation.
I would like to be able to tell people about myself or my day. But I don't just want to "let it all out" and "burden" someone. I want to tell them so that they can ALSO tell me about themselves. It would be a lot easier if people actually bothered to do that.
Anyway, I know that's part of the problem.
But death is irreversible. I don't know how I can stop the dreams. I don't know where she is.
 

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So it's kind of weird for me to say that I thought I was doing relatively okay considering everything that has happened.
But somehow it feels like it's going to get harder. I'm not really sure what I should be doing to 'cope.'
Any item reminds me of her. A jacket I wore years ago, I think Oh, I wore this before she died. It doesn't even have to relate to her specifically.
We have managed to change the surroundings (to the extent possible) but not the situation.
Anything I hold, anything I look at, I think of her. Even if for a moment I'm able to think about other things, she's still there.
And I find that it is incredibly painful to the point where I think it's not helpful to be reminded of her.
I believe some people want those reminders but not me. The dreams I have are terrible. All I wanted was for her to be in peace somewhere, but I doubt the existence of such a place, and if there were I know nothing about it and so I feel very uncomfortable.
It's like she's slipping away even though she's already gone, and I feel her absence more each day.
I have always been in the darkness.
I am filled with fury.

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On 3/4/2017 at 7:42 PM, new133 said:

I don't know what to do. another several decades.
I dreamt of the death of another. That scared me. It made me think yes, it can actually get worse and what pain i feel now is somehow insufficient. I am sick of these dreams.
At this point I'll be happy if I knew there was an afterlife or reincarnation or something.
What happens to all the souls? I don't want a random chaotic mess. But that's what i'm scared of.
I don't want complete emptiness. I want her back, in a healthy form, just alive or at least experiencing happiness somewhere whether here or elsewhere. I just want the knowledge that that is what happens. But I'll never know. Why live if I keep asking this over and over? I'm driving myself nuts.
It can't be normal to experience loss and to never see or experience that person again. How do people just accept that and move on? I know that life is cruel, but this feels like the worst. How can you love and lose? I don't understand how anyone can cope. I guess they just live their lives with emptiness. Maybe they can find happiness to some degree but how can they ever be truly happy, knowing suffering exists and not knowing what happens after death.
-----------

Hi. I want you to know that the only reason I'm writing out or sharing what has helped me is because you have continually made posts that indicate very many questions, and you remind me of myself. That being said, I cannot understand the pain you are going through right now. No one can. And that's part of what makes this process incredibly lonely. 
 

23 hours ago, new133 said:

Hi Jake, I appreciate your post.
Thank you. I am sorry for your loss as well. It is hard.
I continue to write here when I can. I prefer typing it out for now at least.
I am not sure I even know what moving on means. I just want to know what happened to my grandma.
Although, even if I knew, the pain of the separation is still there. What I also want to know is how I can deal with it.
Part of me already knows the answer. I need to be able to connect with others. As you know that's hard already.
It is hard to trust people. The few people I've met have been online (generally) and even that doesn't work out.
The last time I actually befriended people face to face was probably high school. So long ago.
I am afraid of giving so much effort into a friendship and not getting anything back. I don't even want much. Just a balance. Reciprocation.
I would like to be able to tell people about myself or my day. But I don't just want to "let it all out" and "burden" someone. I want to tell them so that they can ALSO tell me about themselves. It would be a lot easier if people actually bothered to do that.
Anyway, I know that's part of the problem.
But death is irreversible. I don't know how I can stop the dreams. I don't know where she is.
----

This all makes a lot of sense. I agree. No way to know how to move on. Once again, as I said in my original post, I don't believe this ought to be about "moving on", which you have seen yourself is something that is so foreign.

The idea of pushing to move on is a joke. It is about accepting the fact that in this present time, we see who we have lost, in everything we do, everything we wear, and perhaps some people who we see.

It has been 6 years since my best friend whom I saw every day passed away. And just now I am beginning to hit a phase of extreme lows. Where I see him in everything, and even feel as if I ought to do the things he did before he passed away, in order to somehow feel as if he is here. 

I can relate to the friendship issues you speak of. Since my best friend's passing, I feel as if I've lost social ability or "momentum"--the ability to really feel connected to someone in a conversation. 

As for the dreams, it must be excruciating. No one is asking you to like them or to hate them. They are what they are, and I feel that if we try to make ourselves get rid of our feelings, or  the opposite, try to make ourselves "want" the memories, we will be stuck.

I mean we, because I am in the same boat. I feel utter resentment about this entire situation. It is exhausting. All we can do is observe ourselves, observe our emotions, and NOT try to make them into something they aren't. Trying to get rid of them is also more painful than helpful, in my experience. But whatever you feel may help, let your intuition guide you. If nothing may help, so be it. Talk about that here, because that's what the forums are for, definitely.

 Emotions are what they are. Keep posting here, as your emotions and what you are going through is valid, valuable, and important. Because it's all a part of who you are.

Jake. 



 

 

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Thanks again for posting.
May I ask what those things he used to do are?
yeah, sometimes I control the emotions because I can't be bothered to deal with constant pain.
I get moments of panic when I think of her face but it goes away only to return at random times.
I don't go out enough, although I try. Have to wear glasses though.
I don't have much life in me left. I have always felt stunted somehow and this is another experience I find damaging.
I can't really consider the "oh but she would have wanted you to live your life."
I feel like I'm mostly alive for my mom now. I can't put her through that again. Otherwise I feel empty.
In a sense I've always been empty though.
I feel like if I was smart enough or social enough I could contribute to society. But I can't so I doubt it will happen.
I just live second by second. I don't know really

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Hey there,
Yes. One of the biggest things: He used to go downtown and serve the homeless with food. As of late, I just feel asif that is what "I should do", or a "calling" because he did. But I don't reason it like that in my mind. It's just where my emotions go.

The constant pain is definitely horrible. And exhausting.

It's also difficult to get out. It's good it's a goal of yours.

I can definitely relate to not feeling like you have much life left in you. Death causes trauma. Loss affects endurance. That's what I've noticed at least.

It's good you know you're alive for your mom.

I can also relate to always feeling empty. The death just makes everything worse.

What do you do for your diet? I've noticed when I change mine for more than a few weeks, the social anxiety even recedes. The problem is, I can't stick with it.


 

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He sounds like he was a great person. My grandmother was very sociable and friendly. Hundreds of people respected her.
My moods are all over the place. On occasion I get so tired that I accept there's nothing I can do.
I eat okay I suppose but it doesn't really affect me. Sometimes I eat fish, rice, yogurt, chicken, eggs, vegetables etc.
I feel like a part of me is permanently gone. If souls exist, it feels like a part of that is gone forever. I can't pretend that it isn't. It's just not there anymore.

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Your grandmother sounds like a sweet soul, as well. I too feel as if part of my soul is gone forever. In the last week, all my feelings have evolved into an irresistible need to move around, travel, and not stay in one place more than 20 seconds. It's a horrible feeling. My moods, like yours, are all over the place, and now I have resentment, especially lately. This kind of event permanently changes a person. 

It's good you don't pretend . Seeing our pain as it is is better than denying it. 

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