Want to share my experience.

[Andy]

Meesh,

I don't have the words to express how sorry I am, especially that the added dimension of those terrible circumstances have created another layer of sorrow. As I've said, I don't words to help, but I'll pray for you, I'll think of you in hopes that you find a way to work through this. I too find so many memories surrounding me in our home, and even though it does carry a aura of sadness, it's still our home. At this point, I can't imagine laying my head down anywhere else, BUT, I think we all know that life can turn on a dime. I may not be able to afford our home now. If that is the case, then I'll obviously have some difficult decisions to make. I just hope you find your way, find out what it is that you "need" to do. 

Peace and comfort to you, 

Andy

[Nads]

Andy, like you I wish I could just go somewhere where no one knows me and just get lost there. I dislike running into people so I have started avoiding certain places and the places that I do have to go to I try to do so at the quietest time of the day or night. 

It seems everyone thinks I back to "normal" because I'm not crying every minute of the day. My good friend invited in to a party this weekend. She felt that it's time for me to start doing these things. For a fleeting moment I actually considered it and then i just glanced at Stan's photo and I knew I'm far from being ready for something like that. I know she will continue to be persistent in trying to get me to events such as that. I am only now venturing out to a movie now and then and maybe a quiet dinner or so. 

Peace throughout the night my friends. God bless. 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Andy said:

I find myself getting angry at the idea that this dog (whom I love very much, best dog ever) is still alive, against all odds, but my WIFE is gone?!?

Andy, George and I were good friends with a couple from church.  He wasn't doing well, and George was so worried about him, he didn't know how he could handle it if he lost him.  Well 12 years later he is still going strong but I've been widowed all that time.  I think I understand your feelings.  It's not that you want your dog to be dead, you're glad he's alive, and I with our our friend too, but why couldn't our spouse have lived?!

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Nads said:

Andy, like you I wish I could just go somewhere where no one knows me and just get lost there. I dislike running into people so I have started avoiding certain places and the places that I do have to go to I try to do so at the quietest time of the day or night. 

It seems everyone thinks I back to "normal" because I'm not crying every minute of the day. My good friend invited in to a party this weekend. She felt that it's time for me to start doing these things. For a fleeting moment I actually considered it and then i just glanced at Stan's photo and I knew I'm far from being ready for something like that. I know she will continue to be persistent in trying to get me to events such as that. I am only now venturing out to a movie now and then and maybe a quiet dinner or so. 

Peace throughout the night my friends. God bless. 

Trust me, they will forget about it after awhile, amazingly.  No one stops to think that I'm still missing my husband, each and every moment of my life!  No longer will people ask how you're doing, it'll be to them like he never existed.  In a way I think that's even harder.

[Andy]

Nads, KayC,

I think people, and as I get older I find this is most often the case, are so wrapped up in their own lives that things that don't effect them directly simply don't matter. Not in a purposely dismissive way, but they have their families, their jobs, trouble and daily routines. It's so tough after all the well wishers are gone, and you're kind of just sitting there, alone, wondering "what now?"  It's tough. I don't expect anyone to stop their life just for me. I know that my family has always been my priority, so I wouldn't expect it to be different for others. The most unfortunate aspect of this though is just how alone we are. No one outside of this miserable club we're in will understand. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of this cliff, and the only thing I can see is myself, and the edge, everything else is swallowed in darkness. It's a bottomless pit, cold and filled with fear. That's what I feel like I'm living now, everyday. 

Peace and love my friends

Andy 

[fzald]

Andy, you are so right. The sad fact, and one that's so hard for all of us I'm sure, is that there's a funeral, there's the goodbyes and well wishes, and then life goes on. The priest at my girl's funeral even said it clearly: "Before we go our separate ways, let's join in this prayer..." The fact is, after the funeral, all of that support from everyone tends to wither, as everyone reverts back to their lives.

But me, I wake up in the morning and ask myself "How can the world just keep moving like it did before she passed? How is it that the world is so indifferent to this great loss?" It's very humbling, can make you question how much you do truly matter in the world.

Even when a celebrity dies, people shake their heads, take note, and move on with their lives. (My girlfriend and I did exactly that when Carrie Fisher died, we just shook our heads, muttered "oh, that's so sad!", talked about Star Wars a bit, and went on with our lives.)

The only people who truly suffer are those closest to the departed. We on this forum are the ones who must face the losses head on, because the people we lost were such a big part of our lives. They weren't just people we knew, had heard of, or even worked with. They're people we spent and shared our lives with. They're people who took with them a huge piece of ourselves. 

I wish there was a way to organize a live chat somehow. Like Skype or something, with all of us on here who are willing. Sort of like group grief therapy but just on our own, through the Internet. I've read the stories of some of you and they break my heart, but it does help knowing there are others who are suffering with you, others who actually understand that suffering, others who, even through their own pain, wish they could reduce yours somehow...

[Andy]

2 hours ago, fzald said:

Andy, you are so right. The sad fact, and one that's so hard for all of us I'm sure, is that there's a funeral, there's the goodbyes and well wishes, and then life goes on. The priest at my girl's funeral even said it clearly: "Before we go our separate ways, let's join in this prayer..." The fact is, after the funeral, all of that support from everyone tends to wither, as everyone reverts back to their lives.

But me, I wake up in the morning and ask myself "How can the world just keep moving like it did before she passed? How is it that the world is so indifferent to this great loss?" It's very humbling, can make you question how much you do truly matter in the world.

Even when a celebrity dies, people shake their heads, take note, and move on with their lives. (My girlfriend and I did exactly that when Carrie Fisher died, we just shook our heads, muttered "oh, that's so sad!", talked about Star Wars a bit, and went on with our lives.)

The only people who truly suffer are those closest to the departed. We on this forum are the ones who must face the losses head on, because the people we lost were such a big part of our lives. They weren't just people we knew, had heard of, or even worked with. They're people we spent and shared our lives with. They're people who took with them a huge piece of ourselves. 

I wish there was a way to organize a live chat somehow. Like Skype or something, with all of us on here who are willing. Sort of like group grief therapy but just on our own, through the Internet. I've read the stories of some of you and they break my heart, but it does help knowing there are others who are suffering with you, others who actually understand that suffering, others who, even through their own pain, wish they could reduce yours somehow...

Fzald,

You're absolutely correct. It's so interesting you mentioned Carrie Fisher, my wife and I had talked about Fisher and her mother passing away, just days before my wife died. 

People do have their own lives, that's a fact. It's also a fact that listening to me talk about my sadness and my loss would be a very big investment in someone else's emotional resources. It's one of the reasons losing our significant other is layered almost like nothing else. My wife WAS that person with whom I could lean on, the one person who would share my worries. Now, not only is that gone, you can't just "replace" that. My daughter isn't equipped nor would I even expect or ask her to shoulder this mountain of grief for me. I'm HER shoulder. My parents are gems of infinite patience, kindness and love, and without them I'd be lost, but they have their own grief, they have their own lives to attend to. They will do anything I'd ask, but I can't ask them to be something they can't. I have one friend, who has been beyond what I have any business expecting someone to be. And I love him for it, but, he has some very significant issues of his own now, so I try to moderate how much I turn to him. It's a sad and sobering truth that we are, essentially, alone (God is with me, always, but I mean other people) on this journey, and it's because of forums like this I can share and hopefully help others like me. 

People, for the most part, are sincere in their desire to help, and I appreciate everyone who said as much. Once the initial whirlwind settles down, the flowers are wilting and life moves on, it's then that we feel the full magnitude of this desolation. I cried on the way to work this morning, I cried on the way home. It just came. I sent my wife's phone a text, told her I was coming home and that I love and miss her. Sometimes, I don't understand. Sometimes I just want to drift away. Sometimes I want to quit, quit everything. I can't though. I'm overwhelmed with everything. I can't quit. 

Andy

[fzald]

Andy,

The funny thing is that even though all of us on here are suffering immense pain ourselves, we're still able to reach out and offer that listening ear to the others on here who are also in pain. 

You're right, I think there's one thing that's very uniquely difficult about losing a romantic partner. They were your true source of support in bad times. My girl was the one I could lean on when I was upset, and I was the one she could lean on as well. It's like a double reinforcement. Together, we could withstand anything, because we always had each other. If one of us had something to grieve, we could lean on the other. When my father passed, I cried a lot. I grieved hard. But my girl was there for me. She let me cry on her, she let me be weak, and she still loved me. She hadn't lost a parent, but she had lost her grandmother who she'd been very close to, so she did at least understand the loss of a close family member enough to give me consoling words, and even just to be there for me. To give me a hug and kiss away my tears in a way only a truly loving partner can.

But now, she is gone. Now, I don't have her to lean on. I lost with her that very reinforcement when I need it most. Not a single thing anyone on this planet could do for me will ever come even close to what she could do for me in a time of grief. It's like being kicked when you're down. When I need her most, when I'm hurting the hardest, when I'm in the most pain...is also when she's been taken from me. 

I think that's what makes losing a partner different than losing a parent, family member, even a friend. Because your partner is someone you share your most intimate life with. They know you better than anyone, sometimes better than you know yourself. They're not just close to you, they're a part of you. They are part of the definition of who you are. Without them, you feel like only half a soul.

I'm just trying to get through one day at a time right now. Just get to tomorrow. Get to tomorrow morning and actually get up and come to work. Get to the end of the week without giving up. No matter how much I try, though, I think of her, I miss her, I want our old life back, I want her to be here to live the life she wanted. I grieve for her as much as for me, at a time when my support for grief has vanished. 

[Andy]

Fzald, 

Yes, it's a sad state we're in. I can't replicate 27 years of "togetherness", I can't run out and find another "special someone". What we have with our other halves is something only we can understand. When my parents do pass, I'll grieve for them in a way that's different than this, but it'll be a more "natural" life experience. I love my parents dearly, they love my wife like a daughter and it'll be devastating when their time comes. And of course, the one person who would've been there with me, through it all, won't be.

Fzald, friend, hang in there, prayers and comfort to you. 

Andy  

[KayC]

You are so right.  We ARE alone with our lives.  When I talk to my sisters, and I know they care, they clearly don't get what it's like to live all these years alone without my husband while they still have theirs at home with them,.  One complains of her husband watching football up loud, yet he's there to take care of her with her sprained foot.  Another has a broken foot and her husband has her dinner ready.  Another got back from a trip with her husband.  None of them get what it's like to have no one to talk over their day with, no one to take care of you if you have surgery, no one to pick you up when the car breaks down, no one to hold you, the list goes on and on...

[Andy]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

You are so right.  We ARE alone with our lives.  When I talk to my sisters, and I know they care, they clearly don't get what it's like to live all these years alone without my husband while they still have theirs at home with them,.  One complains of her husband watching football up loud, yet he's there to take care of her with her sprained foot.  Another has a broken foot and her husband has her dinner ready.  Another got back from a trip with her husband.  None of them get what it's like to have no one to talk over their day with, no one to take care of you if you have surgery, no one to pick you up when the car breaks down, no one to hold you, the list goes on and on...

KayC,

How right you are. NOBODY, unless they have suffered this loss, the loss of a spouse/partner, where the basis of that relationship is true, honest to God, love, understands. They can't, it's impossible, and how I wish I didn't. I wish I knew nothing of this sorrow, blissfully ignorant of this new world I'm in. This is not a divorce, this is not a breakup, this isn't like that AT ALL. Yes, they are heartbreaking, they take a toll and leave emotions scattered and torn, but this is something different. People expect you to call them up, tell them what YOU need. I can't! We who grieve can't do much, don't expect us to tell you, everything is "off" for us, you reach out and help us. Stop by, call, run an errand, offer to just sit. It's the most horribly lonely place in existence. I'm alone, no one truly understands and I can't spend what little energy I have left trying to illustrate why I feel like I do. I have ONE friend who talks to me on a regular basis. No one else. Parents and daughter, of course, but all the friends? No. None except the one. I thought I was better,  relatively speaking, but I'm not. Not at all. I'm mad at everything, I cry at anything, I'm drained and I want my wife back. I want my wife back. I need her. She was everything and I just want her back. 

[HHFaith]

It is the most horrifying feeling in the world.  I never thought it was humanly possible to feel this way.  I too am so tired of crying; it feels like I will never stop.  I know in my head that things will get "better".  Or maybe better is the wrong word.  I know that things will be "different".  A new way of life.  I will learn to get used to living while missing him.  I just miss him so much.  This experience has changed me and continues to change me.  It's so unlike me, but I am reaching out to everyone.  I would have NEVER done that.  My MO was to suffer in silence and keep it all in, all to myself.  But I feel an overwhelming need to reach out.  I'm learning who my true friends are.  People have been so supportive, much to my surprise.  Mostly it's just them listening to me ramble on and on.  But it is so helpful.  I need to do this for my sanity.  No matter how hard, please reach out, it will help.  

[fzald]

19 minutes ago, Andy said:

KayC,

How right you are. NOBODY, unless they have suffered this loss, the loss of a spouse/partner, where the basis of that relationship is true, honest to God, love, understands. They can't, it's impossible, and how I wish I didn't. I wish I knew nothing of this sorrow, blissfully ignorant of this new world I'm in. This is not a divorce, this is not a breakup, this isn't like that AT ALL. Yes, they are heartbreaking, they take a toll and leave emotions scattered and torn, but this is something different. People expect you to call them up, tell them what YOU need. I can't! We who grieve can't do much, don't expect us to tell you, everything is "off" for us, you reach out and help us. Stop by, call, run an errand, offer to just sit. It's the most horribly lonely place in existence. I'm alone, no one truly understands and I can't spend what little energy I have left trying to illustrate why I feel like I do. I have ONE friend who talks to me on a regular basis. No one else. Parents and daughter, of course, but all the friends? No. None except the one. I thought I was better,  relatively speaking, but I'm not. Not at all. I'm mad at everything, I cry at anything, I'm drained and I want my wife back. I want my wife back. I need her. She was everything and I just want her back. 

I went through a hard breakup a while back. It hurt. Terribly. I was depressed for a month or two. At that time in my life, I did expect that she would be the one I would be with long-term. The breakup was "sudden", in that in my own ignorance and my own arrogance I didn't see it coming, I didn't see her slowly wearing down. When she finally called it quits, it hurt. I had many of the same feelings as now. Guilt, loss, trouble sleeping, no appetite, all that. I'd argue the guilt was a lot stronger because I hadn't been the best partner I could have been which is what eventually caused the breakup, so I actually had a lot more to blame myself for.

This time, though, it's different. My mind tries to assign some guilt to me - guilt that I didn't recognize her health concerns, guilt that I didn't push her to get checked when she asked me if she should, guilt that I didn't give her more than I did in the time we had... But the difference is that this was not her choice. She did not choose to go. If her will mattered, she'd be sitting here, across from me, and I wouldn't be posting on this forum. We'd be living our lives like we wanted to. Instead, she's buried in the ground and I'm still walking this planet, a shell of my former self, all the light and happiness sucked from my existence. I simply exist now, I don't live. I don't feel joy. I don't feel excited about anything. I just exist. I'm here, and she's not, and that's it. 

When you break up, the person is still out there. You can harbor hope, at least for a while, that maybe, just maybe, you can fix it. Maybe they'll take a few days to cool off and call you saying they didn't mean it. Maybe even after a month or two, they'll miss you and give you a call. You can spend some time "fixing" yourself, recognizing your own faults in the breakup and vowing to not repeat those. But there's always that hope for a second chance. Even months or years down the road, that hope can still live, because there have been plenty of stories of people breaking up and getting back together years later. That hope can keep you going through the dark times, it can motivate you to work out your own issues. It can push you to try hard to move past the breakup, because just maybe you'll get another shot and you want to not screw it up that time. But in death, there is no hope. There is no second chance. There is no goodbye. There is no final words. There is nothing. Especially in a sudden death, they're alive, happy and well, and then suddenly, they're not. Unless the hope that you'll see them when you pass on yourself is of any help, you have no hope. For me, this helps a little, but I still mourn the loss of her on this world. I wanted to share this life with her as well as the next one. All the memories I carry of her are now mine and mine alone, and I'll never be able to truly share those with anyone in a way they'll understand like she could, because she lived those memories with me. 

Also, you're right. Everyone does grieve differently, but losing a young partner is particularly devastating, because of all the loss of what was supposed to be. My mom tries. She lost my dad a few years ago and of course it was hard for her and she grieved. But I not only have to grieve the loss of her, but also the years of future we wanted to spend together. I can say that at least my mom got to have 35 wonderful years with my dad. I got a mere 5, and I planned to have well over 35 more, so I'm missing her in two ways..

[Andy]

4 hours ago, fzald said:

I went through a hard breakup a while back. It hurt. Terribly. I was depressed for a month or two. At that time in my life, I did expect that she would be the one I would be with long-term. The breakup was "sudden", in that in my own ignorance and my own arrogance I didn't see it coming, I didn't see her slowly wearing down. When she finally called it quits, it hurt. I had many of the same feelings as now. Guilt, loss, trouble sleeping, no appetite, all that. I'd argue the guilt was a lot stronger because I hadn't been the best partner I could have been which is what eventually caused the breakup, so I actually had a lot more to blame myself for.

This time, though, it's different. My mind tries to assign some guilt to me - guilt that I didn't recognize her health concerns, guilt that I didn't push her to get checked when she asked me if she should, guilt that I didn't give her more than I did in the time we had... But the difference is that this was not her choice. She did not choose to go. If her will mattered, she'd be sitting here, across from me, and I wouldn't be posting on this forum. We'd be living our lives like we wanted to. Instead, she's buried in the ground and I'm still walking this planet, a shell of my former self, all the light and happiness sucked from my existence. I simply exist now, I don't live. I don't feel joy. I don't feel excited about anything. I just exist. I'm here, and she's not, and that's it. 

When you break up, the person is still out there. You can harbor hope, at least for a while, that maybe, just maybe, you can fix it. Maybe they'll take a few days to cool off and call you saying they didn't mean it. Maybe even after a month or two, they'll miss you and give you a call. You can spend some time "fixing" yourself, recognizing your own faults in the breakup and vowing to not repeat those. But there's always that hope for a second chance. Even months or years down the road, that hope can still live, because there have been plenty of stories of people breaking up and getting back together years later. That hope can keep you going through the dark times, it can motivate you to work out your own issues. It can push you to try hard to move past the breakup, because just maybe you'll get another shot and you want to not screw it up that time. But in death, there is no hope. There is no second chance. There is no goodbye. There is no final words. There is nothing. Especially in a sudden death, they're alive, happy and well, and then suddenly, they're not. Unless the hope that you'll see them when you pass on yourself is of any help, you have no hope. For me, this helps a little, but I still mourn the loss of her on this world. I wanted to share this life with her as well as the next one. All the memories I carry of her are now mine and mine alone, and I'll never be able to truly share those with anyone in a way they'll understand like she could, because she lived those memories with me. 

Also, you're right. Everyone does grieve differently, but losing a young partner is particularly devastating, because of all the loss of what was supposed to be. My mom tries. She lost my dad a few years ago and of course it was hard for her and she grieved. But I not only have to grieve the loss of her, but also the years of future we wanted to spend together. I can say that at least my mom got to have 35 wonderful years with my dad. I got a mere 5, and I planned to have well over 35 more, so I'm missing her in two ways..

Grieving is a personal journey, one wrought with tribulations only you'll face. Things that only you can appreciate and therefore understand how it's best for you to deal with. There's nothing great or wonderful or beautiful about this sorrow. It's horrific, all encompassing and relentless. It's why making sure we take of ourselves and try to remain vigilant against depression is so important. 

The only thing I'd suggest about long term vs short term relationships in terms of one grief vs another is that the argument could be made ones grief is worse for a long relationship, they have "more" to grieve for, more memories, a level of contentment and peace that comes from an enduring type of partnership. The same could be equally true of your sentiments, that you grieve for the possibilities of things not realized, dreams not achieved. I just think it doesn't matter. 5 years, 20 years, 100 years, we all are devestated by this. We loved them, they became part of us, they loved us, and now they're gone. The sorrow is the same, the devastation is the same, but we all have different perspectives and dimensions to our grief. It's part of what makes this such a lonely journey. 

Peace and friendship, 

Andy

[KMB]

fzald, Andy---I agree with your words. Our grief is unique to each and every one of us. Because of the uniqueness, our perspectives reflect from that.  My personal downfall is my denial that I would be on this journey sooner than expected. My husband was so active, always being productive even while enduring medical conditions. He always bounced back and recovered quickly from surgeries, ER visits. I admired and respected his drive to continue on through all his challenges. I thought he would continue on for a lot longer. Reality sure slapped the denial right out of me and I'm left in this emotional destruction of what used to be a beautiful life with my husband. Nothing to blame except how this life works with its way of checks and balances.

[Andy]

2 hours ago, KMB said:

fzald, Andy---I agree with your words. Our grief is unique to each and every one of us. Because of the uniqueness, our perspectives reflect from that.  My personal downfall is my denial that I would be on this journey sooner than expected. My husband was so active, always being productive even while enduring medical conditions. He always bounced back and recovered quickly from surgeries, ER visits. I admired and respected his drive to continue on through all his challenges. I thought he would continue on for a lot longer. Reality sure slapped the denial right out of me and I'm left in this emotional destruction of what used to be a beautiful life with my husband. Nothing to blame except how this life works with its way of checks and balances.

KMB, 

I've thought a great deal about the circumstances of the last hours my wife was alive, how things stick with me, almost grip me with an iron ruthlessness. The unexpected nature of it, the fear I had, the fear she was experiencing, and it's a borderline paralysis of me. How just hours earlier, we were eating with my mom, then there's an ambulance at my house, then I'm in a room with family, then I tell my wife "I love you", she tells me it back, I blow her a kiss, she blows me a kiss back. Then they take her to the OR. Then the doctor tells me "she's probably not going to make it". 30 minutes later, the dr, standing in the waiting room, waiting for me to bring my daughter to where the rest of us are, sees me and merely shakes his head "no". Then, my world ended. Every dream I had evaporated. Every hope I had that my wife would regain some of her lost "self", vanished. The plans I had started putting together ceased to exist. In one second. One. My world crumbled and I can't seem to pick the pieces up. So yes KMB, reality showed it's uncaring nature to us both. I grieve for myself and for everyone having to deal with this. I think I'm "better", then like yesterday and today, I feel much worse. 

KMB, hang in there, God keep you and comfort you, your friend, 

Andy

[KMB]

Andy, Thank you for your kind words. I'm having problems picking up the pieces also. I thought I was doing fairly well yesterday. By late afternoon I was starting to unravel. I ended up going to bed early. This is so hard. The logical part of my brain is telling me one thing and the emotional part another. I know my husband is gone. The emotions keep overriding. I feel like my whole body is going to shatter apart. How anyone survives and continues on is beyond me. I didn't want to get up this morning. So I log on here to calm down. To find comfort for my soul. Everyone on here helps---bless you all.

[KayC]

On 2/5/2017 at 6:15 PM, Andy said:

Was this all "meant to be"? If I accept the good being meant to happen, then I suppose I have to accept that the bad is also "meant to be".

I don't think that way.  I think SOME things were meant to be, I think other things randomly happened.  Not necessarily that all good is planned and all bad isn't, but maybe a mixed bag.  I think we sometimes look for reasons where there are none.  I don't believe everything that happens in life is "God's will".  I don't think "predestination" (I think of it more as His foreknowledge) comes into play as our lives being all planned out already with no choice from us.  We are free agents, we can affect the outcome to some degree, but not completely because we have the hand we're dealt and can only play those cards as best as we can.  We have our genes.  Some people were born with a silver spoon in their mouth, others not.  I've had some good handed to me (great siblings) and a lot of very hard things.  In all I don't resent the hard places in my life because those were the times I learned and grew and I would not be the same person had I not gone through those experiences.  But I sure wish I could have kept my husband a whole lot longer!  I am glad I got him at all though, even though the years were cut way too short.

[Andy]

KayC,

I think that there are possibilities. I believe God has full knowledge of the infinite possibilities, and we have the freedom of soul, of mind, to end up in any of those various places. My thoughts, and I admit, they may be VERY flawed, are that within every stream of reality, each possibility is the result of our decisions, choices, and perhaps things we don't control, like you mentioned, our genes, what situation we're born to, unforeseen circumstances. I LIKE to think, that ultimately, that if we endeavor to stay in the "path", making smart, moral decisions and trying to be kind and generous, and however that fits into whatever faith you may or may not have, then things will be as they should, regardless of how our mortal life actually is. Perhaps this is all simplistic or naive, but it's how I kind of see things. My wife was kind, she was self sacrificing, loving and forgave all, so I'd like to believe that in spite of all her suffering, the Hell she endured here in earth, her life meant more than just pain, but it meant something. Something beautiful I believe. 

Bless you and take care

Andy

[soundmankeysman1]

2 hours ago, KMB said:

Andy, Thank you for your kind words. I'm having problems picking up the pieces also. I thought I was doing fairly well yesterday. By late afternoon I was starting to unravel. I ended up going to bed early. This is so hard. The logical part of my brain is telling me one thing and the emotional part another. I know my husband is gone. The emotions keep overriding. I feel like my whole body is going to shatter apart. How anyone survives and continues on is beyond me. I didn't want to get up this morning. So I log on here to calm down. To find comfort for my soul. Everyone on here helps---bless you all.

KMB,

Grieving, I've found, is very exhausting.  I'm sleeping more than ever.  I think it's a good thing...

Mike

[Andy]

4 hours ago, KMB said:

Andy, Thank you for your kind words. I'm having problems picking up the pieces also. I thought I was doing fairly well yesterday. By late afternoon I was starting to unravel. I ended up going to bed early. This is so hard. The logical part of my brain is telling me one thing and the emotional part another. I know my husband is gone. The emotions keep overriding. I feel like my whole body is going to shatter apart. How anyone survives and continues on is beyond me. I didn't want to get up this morning. So I log on here to calm down. To find comfort for my soul. Everyone on here helps---bless you all.

KMB,

Im thinking of you, I'm hoping you've found some comfort, some little peace. This morning was much the same for me. I didn't want to get up. Now that I am up, I don't want to stay up. I want to sleep, anxiety fights me on that. Simply no relief. I'm at peace with my wife and how WE thought of one another, all the regrets and guilt, I've dealt with that. It's the simple fact of her not being here that's killing me. A slow sort of killing, day after day, a little more of me resigns to the fact that I'm alone. It's the very basic things I miss. Her smile, her voice (God, what I wouldn't give to hear her say my name...), her phone calls, text messages. The little inconsequential things that make up 95% of our lives. It's getting more profound, the "shock" is wearing off and the stone cold reality is setting in. I think early on, it was a mixture of denial, being caught up in the chaos of arrangements, stunned disbelief, being surrounded by friends and family. All that's gone or winding down. I'm left with little. I'm thankful my daughter has proven to be resilient, not just outwardly, but truly processing this in a healthy way. I'm afraid I'm starting to fall apart. 

KMB, we have to get through this. We have to. A big hug and a lot of love

Andy 

[KMB]

Andy---A loving hug and prayers to you also.

I wonder if a guardian angel or my husband is talking to me during the little sleep I get. I actually had the motivation to fill out the forms to finish dissolving our trucking business.I did cry a little and messed up on a form, but it is done. I made the appointment for next week for the accountant for the business taxes. I've been procrastinating. That is not me. My husband admired my efficiency and organization with the business. I don't want to disappoint my husband in that I can't do these last things for him, for us. In a few weeks or so, I'll have to go in for the closure of his estate. Then what? Legally and financially, my husband will never have existed. It'll be like he was never on this planet. It is just me now. How can that be? A year ago, it was not like this. His birthday is coming up on the 1st. I still remember last year, making his favorite t-bone steak dinner. I swear I'm going to go insane with losing him.

Sorry I went off on a tangent. Like you, I feel like I am slowly dying on the inside.

It is a blessing your daughter is processing her loss in a healthy way. She has you to thank for that. Her mom must be her guardian angel. Your wife is your angel too, sending love and comfort. Maybe we are so sunk into our missing them that we don't sense that love and comfort.

Hang in there Andy, it is all we can do.

[fzald]

I too am missing the little things most of all right now. The texts, the mindless humor between us, her calling me to ask how I am and vice versa...

I mean, I was still doing these things 3 weeks ago. I was still talking to her and hearing from her only 3 weeks ago!!!!

The reality is slowly, slowly setting in. No matter how much I've tried to let my logical mind convince the rest of my mind that she's gone and will never come back, I think my emotional mind still hasn't come to grips with it, and as time goes by my emotions can no longer remain in denial.

I took the day off again today. All i have been able to do today is think of her, remember our time, and mourn what should have been. Grieve what should be happening today. Cry over her loss, cry for her own losses, cry for her friends and family. In another alternate world, right now we would be finishing work and discussing dinner plans. Instead, I am alone, crying, drowning in my sadness, and hitting rock bottom all over again.

[KMB]

fzald---I hear you, know where you are coming from. I think back to my husband's last day. We had a friend over. We were outside having an enjoyable time. The evening and supper were normal. Bedtime was normal. I had mentioned to my husband that we needed to get groceries the next day. The next day never came for him.

Now, almost 6 months later, I still live in the past to an unhealthy extent. This time of the day, I would be asking my husband what he would like for supper. I miss all the little things too that were his personality, our routines. I miss everything that I will never experience again with my husband in this lifetime. It gets so overwhelming with the emotions it's a wonder I haven't ended up in a hospital with a breakdown. Of course, with it just being me here, no one would even know if I have a breakdown.

Sometimes I just need a break and I block everything out just so I am able to attend to the necessities of this so called life. I've been trying to cope in the way that I think my husband would if he were in my shoes. Suck it up, chin out and soldier on.

fzald---Please, do the best you can. This grieving is so hard and painful. Take your time and take care of you. Cry, sleep, take more time off from work. You have the right to do this your way. I'm sure your girlfriend understands and is sending you love and comfort. Our loved ones don't want us suffering but I'm sure they understand.

[Andy]

2 hours ago, KMB said:

Andy---A loving hug and prayers to you also.

I wonder if a guardian angel or my husband is talking to me during the little sleep I get. I actually had the motivation to fill out the forms to finish dissolving our trucking business.I did cry a little and messed up on a form, but it is done. I made the appointment for next week for the accountant for the business taxes. I've been procrastinating. That is not me. My husband admired my efficiency and organization with the business. I don't want to disappoint my husband in that I can't do these last things for him, for us. In a few weeks or so, I'll have to go in for the closure of his estate. Then what? Legally and financially, my husband will never have existed. It'll be like he was never on this planet. It is just me now. How can that be? A year ago, it was not like this. His birthday is coming up on the 1st. I still remember last year, making his favorite t-bone steak dinner. I swear I'm going to go insane with losing him.

Sorry I went off on a tangent. Like you, I feel like I am slowly dying on the inside.

It is a blessing your daughter is processing her loss in a healthy way. She has you to thank for that. Her mom must be her guardian angel. Your wife is your angel too, sending love and comfort. Maybe we are so sunk into our missing them that we don't sense that love and comfort.

Hang in there Andy, it is all we can do.

KMB,

Thank you for saying such kind things about my daughter and my wife. My daughter is making her mom very proud, I'm sure of that. I hope my wife understands the difficulty I'm having, hope she sees that I'm striving despite this misery. 

I've been thinking about what you said, about your husband "not existing" or like he was never here. I had a similar notion when I recieved those God awful "death certificates". What a terrible name. "Certificate". That's something you get when you achieve something, or something that's awarded out of appreciation. Anyway, my feeling was similar, but not quite that finite. I would like to say though, gently remind you, that your husband, my wife, fzald's girlfriend, KayC's husband and everyone else who's been lost to everyone on this and every forum, grief support group or lone sufferers, OUR beloveds LIVED! If I never knew any of their names, I'd still know them. It's like casting a stone on the still waters of a lake. The ripples reach out FAR beyond the throw, well beyond what we can see. Your husband is real, you've made him real to me. His impact on you as a person, as a wife has helped make you the kind and considerate KMB that I know here. My wife has inspired me to not only share my grief, but to reach out in hopes that I can at least make someone's "moment" better, if that's all I can do. My wife touched many lives, whether she knew it or not, same as your husband. You have taken his memories and breathed life into them, you've made them "live". He dwells in the "greater" now, but here on earth, you've done an admirable job of not only keeping his memory alive, but making him real for us. Your struggles and your heartache has led you here, and those heart wrenching "love stories" you pass on to us has HELPED us. I know you've helped me, you absolutely have, as has everyones tales of sorrow. And yes, it's because we've lost someone, but someone so special, so important to us that we are COMPELLED to share them, to help ourselves, and to help others like us. We are this sad, heartbroken family of strangers, united by one thing. The loss of our beloveds. And because they had such impacts on us, such beautiful lives they chose to share with us, we now share that life with others. Their story. Them. I never met your husband, but because of who you are, and what you've said of him, I feel like, in some small way, I know him. He existed KMB, and his impact will be felt for a long, long time. Thank you for "sharing" him with us. 

Love and strength KMB

Andy

[KMB]

Thank you, Andy. Your words are greatly appreciated. My husband was very social. He would have liked meeting everyone here, the wonderful, caring people who are bringing us all encouragement and support despite their own losses. We are all sharing, that says a lot about who we are.

[Nads]

fzald, I too took the day off work today. I just didn't have the will or strength to do it today. I'm glad I stayed away though. I remained in bed for a great part of the morning. Eventually I got up and did some much needed household chores. I spent the evening just watching movies. I try to stay away from the emotional ones. So it is just action for me. As I settle in back to bed now I'm feeling better than I did this morning. Hope it continues into tomorrow. 

I can't explain it but I feel that my grief is changing me. I used to be a more empathetic and tolerant person but now I feel I don't have the energy for such things and I am becoming a "hater" ( as my niece so amply put it). Sometimes it's just so exhausting. I may be becoming a recluse. I feel I am no longer a people's person. Is this part of the grieving process???

Prayers to all of us. 

[soundmankeysman1]

27 minutes ago, Nads said:

fzald, I too took the day off work today. I just didn't have the will or strength to do it today. I'm glad I stayed away though. I remained in bed for a great part of the morning. Eventually I got up and did some much needed household chores. I spent the evening just watching movies. I try to stay away from the emotional ones. So it is just action for me. As I settle in back to bed now I'm feeling better than I did this morning. Hope it continues into tomorrow. 

I can't explain it but I feel that my grief is changing me. I used to be a more empathetic and tolerant person but now I feel I don't have the energy for such things and I am becoming a "hater" ( as my niece so amply put it). Sometimes it's just so exhausting. I may be becoming a recluse. I feel I am no longer a people's person. Is this part of the grieving process???

Prayers to all of us. 

Hey Nads,

Yes, that is part of the process.  I feel like that too sometimes.  I read in one of the grief books; I think Healing after Loss my Martha Hickman, that a lot of people feel this.  And a lot of people need time alone early on in the grief process, to assimilate and understand this new reality that they are facing.  Take the time to be alone; it's ok.  This too shall pass.

 

Mike 

[fzald]

I've actually felt the opposite. I gave willingly to my girlfriend in times of need. If she was sad, I'd cuddle and comfort her and give her a shoulder to cry on. If she was low on cash, I'd loan her money, or just give her what she needed just because. If she needed help at work, I would be the first in line to provide it. I was the one she could always count on to be there for her.

Without her, I feel a huge loss of sense of purpose. Not that I was her caregiver or anything, but just that I was there for her. Now, who am I there for???? 

Those friends who have been there for me, they are the ones I have tried to be there for as well. I'll buy all of us dinner. I'll help fix something  in their house. I would have done these things anyway, even if my girlfriend were still here. Bu I do find that doing these things now for my friends gives me just the tiniest feeling of comfort and purpose. Of course it is nothing compared to the feelings I got helping her, but it's something...

I have found that in the late evenings, as bedtime nears, i am able to reach a somewhat balanced calm. I am still very sad. I still wish she were here. I still dream sometimes of what I would do if miracles of resurrection were real. But at the same time, I find I am not as agitated. I don't have panic attacks, I don't cry uncontrollably. I am able to actually relax.

Unfortunately when I wake up, I'm back to being depressed and saddened. I sometimes wonder if the peace only comes from the knowledge that soon I will have 8-10 hours during which I can shut down, escape, and not think and feel all the pain...

[Andy]

Nads,

I feel very much like you do, impatience with the rest of the world. I've been very self aware of this change in perception, and for now I'm chalking it up to anxiety and what must simply be frayed nerves. Look what we've been through, the very foundation of our lives has been taken away, so our focus HAS to be on ourselves. We have to process and cope and only WE can do that. We certainly can reach out for help and support, but we're the ones who ultimately have to make this transition. I think it just leaves little room left for "petty annoyances". I certainly don't have the energy anymore to put up with useless BS. Anyway, that's what I think is going on, at least for me.

You and Fzald, I like that you both took off work for your "self healing". I think that's great, continue to take of yourselves. I was VERY tempted yesterday and today, but I have limited time so I'm trying to keep it for a get away either for just myself or my daughter and I. 

Love and hugs 

Andy 

[KayC]

In reading the posts that you all have shared in the last 24 hours, my heart is so touched by what special people you all are...and how special the people we lost, the relationships we were blessed to have, this is very poignant.

Yes, as Andy has said, we breathe life into their memories, their existence, we keep them alive in the here and now even while they exist out there somewhere...or perhaps here in their spirits.

I have a job to do today that I've been dreading, it'd be easy to put it off, but with reading everything here, it puts everything in perspective more.  I can go do the dreaded job and it won't mean anything in the ultimate scheme of things...we all know what's really important, what really matters and that is something we live with on an everyday basis, someone we carry within our hearts.

I also like the idea that you are taking time for your self healing, it's so important to value and take care of ourselves, and I think that pleases them.

[Andy]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

In reading the posts that you all have shared in the last 24 hours, my heart is so touched by what special people you all are...and how special the people we lost, the relationships we were blessed to have, this is very poignant.

Yes, as Andy has said, we breathe life into their memories, their existence, we keep them alive in the here and now even while they exist out there somewhere...or perhaps here in their spirits.

I have a job to do today that I've been dreading, it'd be easy to put it off, but with reading everything here, it puts everything in perspective more.  I can go do the dreaded job and it won't mean anything in the ultimate scheme of things...we all know what's really important, what really matters and that is something we live with on an everyday basis, someone we carry within our hearts.

I also like the idea that you are taking time for your self healing, it's so important to value and take care of ourselves, and I think that pleases them.

KayC,

Well said. And good luck on that job you must face, I think you'll do just fine. 

Keep breathing, love and hugs

Andy

[Nads]

KayC...i do hope you get through with that job. I myself have something to attend to that I have been dreading all week. Will have to do so over the weekend. 

I just spoke to my SIL. I try to keep communicating with her as she was my husband's only sibling and we have a pretty good relationship. I was so hurt after I spoke to her though. She said that she knows that I will get over losing Stan and eventually get a new husband but she will never have another brother. I was stunned that she could have said something so insensitive to me. It's almost like my grief is not as significant as hers. I'm truly hurt by this comment. I'm trying not to let it bother me but it does. It really makes me sad. I can tell that I am being edged out of his family. So sad because he would never have wanted this. This just adds to an already tough week. 

[KMB]

Nads, So sorry your SIL was insensitive. No ones loss is less or more than another. Maybe she said what she did to try and make herself feel a little better. I'm sure she didn't really mean it.I know your feelings are hurt, but, really do not let it bother you.

My husband's daughter from a previous relationship walked away from her brother and I. She has a new guy in her life and I'm just going on the assumption it is her way of dealing with the loss of her dad. I'm hoping she eventually makes contact again. I'm not going to make an issue of it. It would only make things more miserable.

You have us, Nads. We'll be here for you.

[Nads]

KMB...thanks so much for your support. It means so much to me. 

I was just thinking that you all here and one really good friend here at home are who keeps me going. It's amazing that I know I can turn to people whom I have never know in my life for such comfort and support. I thank everyone one of you here for all that you are doing for me. 

This site has become the first place I turn too to seek comfort, to vent, to get support and to feel love. 

KMB, I think you are right. I think she did say that to make herself feel better. I can tell that the relationship I once had with my inlaws will fade away. I think I am making peace with that. I think I was trying to keep a connection with them because of Stan. Life continues to school us everyday. 

Infinite thanks to all my friends here. Much love. 

[Andy]

1 hour ago, Nads said:

KayC...i do hope you get through with that job. I myself have something to attend to that I have been dreading all week. Will have to do so over the weekend. 

I just spoke to my SIL. I try to keep communicating with her as she was my husband's only sibling and we have a pretty good relationship. I was so hurt after I spoke to her though. She said that she knows that I will get over losing Stan and eventually get a new husband but she will never have another brother. I was stunned that she could have said something so insensitive to me. It's almost like my grief is not as significant as hers. I'm truly hurt by this comment. I'm trying not to let it bother me but it does. It really makes me sad. I can tell that I am being edged out of his family. So sad because he would never have wanted this. This just adds to an already tough week. 

Nads,

I hate that she made that comment, it seems like she wasn't thinking before she spoke. I wonder, however, if she put that out there to gage a response from you? Fishing for perhaps an answer to her own fears? Maybe she's afraid you WILL enter into a possible new relationship and she fears what that may mean for her and the rest of the family. I'm just throwing it out there. For her to suggest, though, that because you have the "option" built in because, well, it's a marriage, you can always go get another one of those. That's very insensitive and thoughtless. So I hope it was misplaced fear on her part instead of an actual belief she has come up with. 

I think about the long term implications of my relationship with my wife's family. I have issues with them, my wife was fully aware of them, and agreed with my position regarding them, so I have no illusion that this will endure past the occasional text or phone call. Maybe a Christmas drop in or something. I think there's a lot of guilt on their part in regards to the time spent with my wife, the effort on their part over the years, to be involved with not only my wife, but my mother in laws ONLY grandchild. THAT really bothered and hurt my wife, the fact that she couldn't dedicate ANY time for our daughter. She lives 30 minutes away, and for the first half of our daughters life, she was 10 minutes away. So, I have resentment about that, how it hurt my wife, and I have to let that go. That's just one of MANY things I'm going to have to let go. To say anything now would only serve to satisfy my petty need for "revenge" or some such nonsense. Family is just another one of those things that take a hit and can become messy or stronger. I think I'll be marginalized as time goes by, but that's ok. Just another layer to this state of misery. 

As KMB and KayC have said, you have this hodge podge of broken hearted souls here to lean on. Not quite like a "genuine" family, but we get you. We understand, at least to some degree, this pain you're experiencing. We share our heartache and in the process, our love. Hang in there, get rest and we'll be praying for you. 

Much love

Andy

[Nads]

Andy, thanks so much. Sorry you're here because you lost your sweet wife; glad you are here to help us along. 

Prayers to you

[Andy]

15 hours ago, Nads said:

Andy, thanks so much. Sorry you're here because you lost your sweet wife; glad you are here to help us along. 

Prayers to you

Nads,

Like you, I'd rather not be part of this "club". But, I am. Now that I am here, and part of this, and I feel like I know some of you, only in the way we can know one another, my only "wish" is that I could do more. We know there aren't any magical words, no secret to ending this sorrow. I do believe that the closest thing we have (outside of our personal faith) is our close family and true friends, and especially those who are where we are. Therapist, unless they've been where we are, don't know. Only we know. Nads, I wish we'd never had a "reason" to know one another, but I'm so glad that we do. You are loved and appreciated for your kindness and your considerate ways. 

Much love Nads,

Andy

[KayC]

On 2/10/2017 at 0:48 PM, Nads said:

She said that she knows that I will get over losing Stan and eventually get a new husband but she will never have another brother.

OMG! Wow.  I hate it when people try to compare losses and invalidate our own in an effort to make theirs significant.  It'd be better if she just kept her mouth shut.  Not much to say to that.    Double grr!

[Nads]

KayC...Thanks so much. I appreciate all the support I get here. 

Prayers to all

[Andy]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

OMG! Wow.  I hate it when people try to compare losses and invalidate our own in an effort to make theirs significant.  It'd be better if she just kept her mouth shut.  Not much to say to that.    Double grr!

You know, sometimes it comes off like a "competition". It's bizarre that even in the midst of such sorrow and grief, during bereavement for Gods sake, people still find new ways to hurt each other. Maybe it isn't always good for people, who are greiving the loss of the same person, to be in proximity to each other, at least for long periods of time. Maybe on some fundamental level, we need people to acknowledge only "our" grief. Especially we, as spouses, we have unique relationships with the deceased. So, perhaps others feel threatened by our bond, or maybe we feel territorial? I'm going to be very honest here, and I hope this isn't taken wrong, please don't think ill of me, but I tend to have this attitude or feeling that Tracie was "mine", and only I "truly" understood her. I know that's wrong, I know that isn't the case, but it's an honest assessment of how I feel. Maybe it comes from so many years of taking care of her during her illnesses, maybe I'm just a conceited jerk. I don't think I am, I just feel like the keeper of her legacy, dumb I guess, but other than our daughter, our best friend and my parents, I don't think anyone really understood the depth of her suffering. I get a little incensed when people outside of her close circle make comments about her that betray just how little they knew her or knew anything about her. I'm guilty of the "you can't possibly hurt like I do, you didn't know her like I did"  Does that mean I'm flawed or have some serious problems with empathy? I hope it doesn't, I know my wife isn't happy I have this reaction, and maybe it's just part of this process. I know her family loved her, I know many people loved and were very fond of her, but she was my wife, the mother of our daughter, and I still feel like the "protecting" husband and father, it's who I am, I don't know how to be anything but this. I hope this makes sense to you KayC, or the rest of you. I just love her and miss her so terribly that I just get things wrong I guess. What a mess I am...

[fzald]

Andy,

My thought is that, it's true - when you shared a very close relationship with someone, it's absolutely the case that you will likely be much more deeply aware of their situation - their feelings, happiness, sadness, suffering, conflicts, whatever. You will feel that you and only you truly know the full extent of loss.

Thing is that's actually true. You and only you were the spouse. Or for mem only I was her boyfriend. We both shared a deep personal relationship with the person who nobody else shared. Is it conceited that we feel grief the way we do? Maybe, but it's not wrong. I knew things about my girlfriend that her family was not even remotely privy to. That was part of our being so comfortable with each other that we could share openly. So do I feel that I am grieving "more"? Yes. It's probably wrong to say I grieve "more", but I do think it's right to say my grief is different than anyone else's for her. Even her family. We had an intimacy that she didn't have with her family. That is going to make my grief different.

Just because you grieve for her one way doesn't mean you aren't capable of being empathetic. It's just that you had a different relationship with her than anyone else. So don't feel bad about it. Your connection to her was yours and hers alone. 

[Nads]

Andy, I have come to the realization that to some degree it is some sort of grief competition. But it doesn't come from the spouses but more so other persons who were close to our beloved. In my case it's his daughter and his sister. I realize that they believe my grief is less significant because I knew him for less time than they did. For some reason they equate the degree  of grief with the length of time you know someone. I personally believe it's some sort of envy and frankly I don't have the energy to explore this any further. I knew what Stan and I had and he did as well. He said we were soulmates, that we truly completed each other, that a love like ours happens only once in a lifetime if at all. We both felt this intense love for each other. I knew Stan better than anyone. I understood everything about him and he about me. We were involved in every aspect of each other's life. I am not going to make apologies for claiming his as my own. I am so sick and tired of people trying to minimize my grief. He was MY husband. 

Sorry to rant but I feel the same as you. All I can do for Stan now is live as he would want me to. I will honor him in a way that he will be proud. He knows that I am trying my best and I know he is guiding me along. I loved him so much. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. He was my entire world and I am broken without him. 

I'm starting to have a lot of resentment and anger recently. I am not usually a person like that. I know it's all part of the grieving process but I feel like I am being changed by it all. 

I'm just so sad. 

Prayers and love to all. 

[Andy]

Fzald, thank you. That means a great deal that I'm not somehow "wrong" in feeling like I do. I shared in her suffering, I tried to carry some of her worries and lighten her many anxieties. I feel like I DID know her in ways no one else ever could know. I guess that's what we, as the significant other, do. It's why I've been crying like a baby for the last 30 minutes. I've been ok pretty much all day, then I walked into the bathroom were she had lost the use of her legs, where the paramedics had to get her, where I couldn't pick her up or help her, and I just fell to pieces.

Fzald, thank you, you're kind to reach out. It does make me accept my feelings about this a little easier. 

Andy

[KayC]

7 minutes ago, Andy said:

That means a great deal that I'm not somehow "wrong" in feeling like I do.

However we feel isn't "wrong".  We get feelings all over the place.

[Andy]

31 minutes ago, Nads said:

Andy, I have come to the realization that to some degree it is some sort of grief competition. But it doesn't come from the spouses but more so other persons who were close to our beloved. In my case it's his daughter and his sister. I realize that they believe my grief is less significant because I knew him for less time than they did. For some reason they equate the degree  of grief with the length of time you know someone. I personally believe it's some sort of envy and frankly I don't have the energy to explore this any further. I knew what Stan and I had and he did as well. He said we were soulmates, that we truly completed each other, that a love like ours happens only once in a lifetime if at all. We both felt this intense love for each other. I knew Stan better than anyone. I understood everything about him and he about me. We were involved in every aspect of each other's life. I am not going to make apologies for claiming his as my own. I am so sick and tired of people trying to minimize my grief. He was MY husband. 

Sorry to rant but I feel the same as you. All I can do for Stan now is live as he would want me to. I will honor him in a way that he will be proud. He knows that I am trying my best and I know he is guiding me along. I loved him so much. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. He was my entire world and I am broken without him. 

I'm starting to have a lot of resentment and anger recently. I am not usually a person like that. I know it's all part of the grieving process but I feel like I am being changed by it all. 

I'm just so sad. 

Prayers and love to all. 

Nads, 

Envy. You know, I hadn't thought of it that way, but you might be absolutely correct. As I told Fzald, I so much appreciate you showing me that maybe I'm not so wrong in how I feel. I don't know that I like it, but while she was here and "alive", I wouldn't question that I knew her better than anyone. I expect my mom knows my dad better than anyone on earth, so why should it be different for me? Or you? Or Fzald or anyone like us? I guess I'm just having a hard time with this. I love you've come to the point where you "aren't going to make apologies" for the relationship that you had. I like that. I think I'll borrow that. 

Today started out pretty ok. I took the car I had bought for "us", for a long backroad drive. It was nice, great weather, spent the miles just thinking about and talking to her. I came home, and as I explained to Fzald, I had a breakdown. Hours of being "ok" undone by 30 minutes of crying. I think sometimes that "you know, I MIGHT be able to get through this, somehow". But then, like right now, I can't see going on for days, months and years without her. I don't know. I just don't know. Like you, I'm so sad. I'm just so miserable. 

I'll try again tomorrow. 

Nads, thank you for the support, love and hugs, 

Andy

[Andy]

11 minutes ago, KayC said:

However we feel isn't "wrong".  We get feelings all over the place.

Mine are scattered everywhere. It's as if the more that time passes the worse I'm feeling. I'm used to knowing where my head is, how I feel about things. This has shattered everything, so I end up feeling guilty for having "selfish" thoughts or getting protective over my wife. I just want this to end, but it's not. And I'm so sad, so alone. Where is this going? 

 

[Nads]

Andy, l believe it does get worse before it gets "not so bad". Then after that it comes at goes at any time without warning. I don't think you should feel "guilty" about being protective over your darling wife. It is your right to feel like that. I'm sure she would be proud to know you are honoring her by protecting her. As KayC said we are not wrong for feeling however we feel. I'm sorry that you are having a hard time right now. That sad and alone feeling hardly goes away but we learn to deal with it as we go along. 

Yesterday I took a drive as well just to clear my head. I just needed to think. Sorry you had a meltdown but sometimes that helps us more than we know. I felt somewhat angry with Stan yesterday. I even found myself expressing this anger to him. Now I feel bad about doing that. I was left with so much legal, administrative and  business issues to deal with since he passed. It is as though it never stops and sometimes I feel overwhelmed and exhausted.

Today is going to be trying for me as I have to deal with some stuff I have been dreading all week. I believe it will result with a confrontation which I could do without and will try to avoid as much as possible.

Hope you have a better day today Andy

Much love and prayers to you 

 

[KayC]

Nads, you're in my thoughts today, it doesn't sound like a fun day but I hope at the end of the day you feel some relief with it being over.  Confrontations are never fun but sometimes have to be done, I wish you well with it.

It's common to feel angry at our loved one for leaving us.  Remember, feelings need not be rational or make sense, they just are what they are and leave us to deal with them.  They'd understand that, we're all human, cut from the same cloth.  It's really the situation we're upset about, not them.

[Andy]

Nads and KayC,

Of course, you both are correct. How we feel is so outside our frame of reference that it only makes sense that our emotions have no context. Again, just another dimension to this process. 

I don't know why, but my anger usually comes when I'm alone. I guess that's when I feel most vulnerable, the most isolated and my patience has been on a serious decline of late. And dealing with the aftermath, it is unrelenting, it's no wonder we're so exhausted, so temperamental, so sensitive. That's another thing people can't really appreciate, we don't just grieve, we have to handle the affairs, arrangements, legal and financial issues, send off/deliver the death certificates, answer the phone calls meant for our departed, clean the house of our life, address a million other things that others don't have to do. I'm not at all angry over that, but it just adds to what is already a sorry state. And after we do those things that leave us broken and lying on the floor, who do we turn to? Our partner? Who's now gone? 

I think the reason I've not had anger towards my wife is I had dealt with those feelings while she was alive. Again, I sound like such a terrible person, but my wife's illnesses had taken components of who she was away over the last decade, and even though those pieces were taken quietly and in small quantities, it changed her and thus the dynamics of our marriage. As I became more care giver, I did have a resentment about that. But we came to tearms with that, I accepted and moved on with the duty of caring for her, and I wish I still could. So, I guess that's why I haven't found myself angry or resentful towards her. 

Nads, good luck with this "confrontation". Like you need more stress in your life. I'll be thinking of you. You've got this. 

Nads, KayC, love and strength to you both,

Andy