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Silent Grief

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My mum killed herself 10 and half years ago by jumping off a multi-storey car park. I was 15 at the time.

I didn't see it happen but I went with my father to identify the body and I will never forget that. 

I can remember feeling at the time that this was so awful that I would never be able to get over it, or come to terms with it, so there was no point trying. 

My school offered me counselling and I refused. I remember thinking 'what can they possibly tell me?' and 'how can they even try to relate to me'. The thought of it made me angry. 

But now I realise that they were just there to listen and not to try give me advice, and I wish I had gone. 

I didn't bottle my emotions up, I stayed up every night crying for years and years. However, I didn't talk to anyone about how I was feeling, it wasn't on purpose it's just what happened and now 10 years on I find it impossible to talk to people about what happened or how it felt. 

I have very close friends who don't know what happened and I've been in relationships and still being unable to talk about. 

I've only recently started reading about suicide survivors and looking at online forums. 

I've realised that keeping silent was the worst way to try and deal with her death. 

In time I am hoping to share more and maybe go to a support group and eventually be able to talk to friends and family about it openly. 

If anybody has felt this way before and has any advice I would really appreciate it. 








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Alive Ginger

Hey Nina, 


Everyone deals with grief differently and there is no recipe for it, nobody can tell you how long the steps will take.  If you are finally ready to open up (well, you are looking for ways to do it) that is great.  Talking about it with someone empathetic will do you a world of good.  Have you considered maybe visiting a therapist?  That might help you open things up, look at the pain and eventually you can find tools that will help you talk to people about it.

I bottle things up and keep stuff to myself, but I have a great psychologist and he helps me so much.  (Not just about my dad - he died in 2011.  He overdosed on insulin and whatever other meds he had).  Reaching out and having a person hugging you when you are hurting might be a very healing experience.

Don't be scared to talk about your mom.  Talk about all the cool things she did, the dumb things, and... her death.  Remember she did not do it because she did not love you.  I'm an attempt survivor myself and can tell you that with honesty.  It sounds weird, but trust me on this one, okay?  She loved you and honouring her memory is the best thing you can do for BOTH of you.  She did not leave because she did not care.  Sometimes the dark voice contorts our insides and we truly believe that leaving is an act of love because people would be better off without us and our demons.  

Talk about it.  It will hurt like hell, sorry, but it will help free you.

I wish I had people to talk to sometimes.  You know, just tell stories about my dad or something and they would know what it meant for me to be telling that story.  I had someone like that once and now he's gone and I have nobody who would listen and know that talking about my dad is an act of honouring him.

I miss him so much.  I know you hurt too and I am sending you so many virtual hugs and hope you can find the strength to open up.  Opening up will bring some form of peace.


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Utah Ang

I'm proud of you for admitting you need to talk about it, need to heal, and want to work through it.  Those are the first steps, it's ok to go to some of those places, so you can move onto better ones.  It's never too late to begin working through it.  

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Hi Nina. 

Is writing this way easier? 

Coukd you write pieces of it like a short story? Paint? Draw? There is more then one way to express it. 

Either way, it's a great start what you wrote here. 

Its 16 years for me. It always stays with you, you just learn how to carry it. Some days still gets to me a little extra. I'm trying to focus more of the energy on doing something that honors her. I'm Seeing if that helps. 


Also it's ok to have some to yourself. To work through it with your own head at times. Just getting stuck there, can be damaging, as it sounded like you concluded. 



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