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Young Widowhood


sunshinebamagirl

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alwaysmyjennifer

withani, CindiSue, today he's much better, thank you. His foot is a little swollen, and it hurts, but not as bad as it was. In looking for my daughter, I've just grown to love this girl so much, so she's a natural fit. I'm still looking for my other daughter, born in '77.

How are you this weekend? Hope you're well. I'm just sitting around with my wife, watching old movies, cuddling. She's a little tired, and stressed, so she's having more pain than usual. With rest, that will get under control. Hugs for you, with love, Mark

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alwaysmyjennifer

CindySue, I'm proud of the way you're standing up to that guy. Beyond that stuff, I hope you're doing okay. That's so sweet how Byron is doing that. Seeing Roger isn't "losing it." It's reality for those of us who have lost someone. He really does do that, and you really see him. It's okay, and you're totally sane. Jennifer gives me a goodnight hug almost every night. My wife and my friend have seen this happen. I have long hair, and they've seen her scrunch it up, move it, and flatten it when she hugs me.

Light the grill and cook a few hotdogs with Byron (assuming he likes hotdogs). Like I tell others, please treat yourself to something special for a little nurturing. You deserve it too. catch ya later, Mark

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Mark, I am doing as good as I can but so depressed me and Roger always did stuff together on labor day..wow it must feel good to have your daughter so close touching you and letting you know she is ok..sounds like you were really close to her...at first I thought all this was my amagination and now I think its real Roger is comming to me..and not just Byron I know Byron sees him all the time..I hear him talking his baby talk to his daddy..knowing Roger I know he is tickling him..cause I can hear him laughing all the time in his room and sayin dada..and when I open the door he usually points all the wall and says dada..like he see's him..knowing Roger he is around us all the time..I don't need time for this creep that called me in my life..once he said my baby gave him a headach and he was tellin me how to take care of my baby like I was'nt doing good enough I got rid of him..maybe Byron was cryin so much cause he did'nt like this guy..its wierd how Byron acted that day usually he likes everyone but that day he cried and did'nt want nothing to do with this guy which was odd...but anyways, I hope your son is feelin better and his foor is healing good..I hope my depression lifts a little even this weekend..have a good one..talk to you soon again.

Hugs,

Cindysue

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Mark....this weekend started okay with my 30 year reunion from high school...I could deal with that...but today I went to a party in my neighborhood with a friend...felt very uncomfortable...then went to a local watering hole...even worst...ran into Gary's old boss....I just want to plant my head in the sand ands never come out...I hate this...I hate that Gary's not here....I hate that I don't know anybody because I've spent the last 11years with Gary...yuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!it makes me not want to go out again ever...........yuck.......I just want a normal life...one that I'm not always crying....it just hurts...I'm sorry...

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Withani(Cindisue) hey, my friend how are you doing? me really am depressed this weekend another holiday to get through without my love..man I hate this..I am so lonely and Byron is sick and I am upset Byron has got a cold still crouping and everything..but he did it again today I put him down for a nap and he was just jabberin away again and I yelled through the door and go Byron go to sleepy..and he was just a talkin I have no idea what he was sayin but I walked in thier he had his diaper off again standing in his crib..he was laughing and I go Byron not again and he starts giving me kissing sounds so I would'nt be upset with him..and I thought ok..now how am I ever gonna get mad at him when he does that..he just melts my heart when he does that...what is so wierd is when ever me and Roger got in a arguement he would kiss me and byron just started doing that last week..I was like Oh my gosh your daddy did the same thing is Roger whispering in his ear telling him how to get around me..so I would'nt be upset...lol..it gave me a shiver when Byron started doing that..is that strange? It is really bringing me alot of comfort cause I feel like Roger is really close..well my sweet friend I am gonna try to go to bed now have a good nite or day whenever you read this..:) Oh yeah hows Peanut doing I'll bet you miss that little angel..:)Cindysue

Love And Hugs From Me And Baby Byron

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CindySue...you're right..I miss my little Peanut angel...I'm going to see him tommorow though.......ran into Gary's old boss tonight...ugh....it's soooo hard some days...you feel like your doing alright and then it hits you.....where's Gary??????? I can't believe he's not here..I'm sorry...I'm just feeling sorry for myself...I miss him......

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alwaysmyjennifer

CindySue, here's a little hug for the weekend blues. I hope it helps you. Ya know, I don't doubt for a moment that Byron sees his Daddy, and that's all the giggles and chatter. He's a special little boy, in touch with things that are so unique. He also cares a lot about his Mommy, and I can see that he's sort of worried about you, and a fair judge of character. Never, ever, let anyone tell you that you're not a good Mom, because you are a fantastic Mom! Look at how you fuss all over him, let him be a total boy in a rain puddle, and see what his world is all about. You have the right to be proud of yourself.

With my wife so ill, we can't go out and do the things we love either. She spent several hours trying to get ready for church this morning, to go with our sons, and by the time she was ready, her pain was so bad, she passed out and is still zonked five hours later. Our big outing last week was going to the bank, and that tired her out. I wanted to take her to dinner, but she was too tired. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but I hate this wretched disease. I say no more. Thanks for the comments for Jenni. Her mother threw her into adoption at birth, and never told me she was born. Sweet woman. I found out my paternity after her death. So, I'm learning from her half sister, and by things I read. I also spend time with her when she visits.

Take Byron to the park and play for a while. Your dear heart may be hurting from your loss of Roger, and you may not feel much like doing anything, but it may just help give you some comfort. hugs for your weekend, Mark

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alwaysmyjennifer

winthani, CindiSue, have you ever noticed, that when you stick your head in the sand, you make an interesting target for some practical joker? Congrats on the reunion! My 30th is coming up soon, '08. If I wanted to embarass myself, I could tell some real crazy tales, but, I guess the guy who had two children before graduation isn't free from gossip. The desire to hide from people is a perfectly normal part of grieving. We all go through these things (I went to the pet store for cat food, and hid from everyone in the store, which I know looked like I was either James Bond or Sigmund Freud). These "holidays" don't make thngs any easier. We all want to be with family and friends, but for those of us who suffer this loss, we just want to hide in a corner. But, try to spend time with your children, at the least, and lite the grill, or something like that. Hugs to ya, with thoughts for a better day, Mark

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CindySue and Mark to both of you..sorry for being such a winer yesterday...I went to this party had a couple drinks and came back here to whine...today was a much better day thank GOD!!!! Whew!!!! Friday night ended up being fun with my reunion...went with my next door neighbor from grade school and spoke with many classmates..it was fun. Saturday just was bad across the board for going to this outdoor party...just validates to me why I want to move..everyone's married around here and my close friends all live about 40 minutes away. I've gotta wait though till my son graduates this year. Today I went to see my daughter's new apartment and got some Peanut time in being a horsey for him and playing with some toys I took over and then a friend of mine and I went to her mother's to watch the fireworks over downtown Cincinnati..very cool as usual.

CindySue...Bryon is such a sweetheart...him making kissing sounds to be on your good side cracks me up! I hope you were able to do something lite and fun over the weekend.

Mark...So sorry to read how exhausted Mary was with trying to get ready to go to church...I'm sure it's very difficult to watch as well. God bless you!!!

Love and Hugs...CindiSue

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alwaysmyjennifer

You were whiney? Can't prove it by me. But, anytime you need a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to yell at, I'm here. I'm happy to hear today has been better. It's good to spend time with your grandbaby. He's such a sweetie! Speaking of which . . . My adopted daughter . . . not yet, but the doctors are working with her - a medical problem. Her father in law and I put in our order for a girl. We have a grandson, so now we want a granddaughter to spoil hopelessly rotten. I'm so excited! Yes, ladies, I'll be happy with another grandson. I only want her and her baby to be happy and healthy.

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Mark I don't know what I would do without you and Cindisue your both such fantastic caring friends and that I am so happy I meant on here..you make me feel better when I am blue..Its so hard to be happy anymore but I try for Byron he needs me..and I need him..I love him and my girls so much..I see Roger in them all the time..specially in Byron ..he acts so much like him..its unreal sometimes how he imatates his daddy I feel so sad that Roger can't see him grow up where I so wish he could..I am tryin to be happy this weekend but how when this weekend I know Roger would be with us ..I dream about him all the time..and it feels so real the dreams like he is really thier..and then I just don't wanna wake up..but thankyou Mark for being so sweet..and I am so sorry that Mary is feeling so bad..she does'nt deserve to suffer like this and I know its hard on you also to see her go through that..you wonder why some people have to suffer like that..it is'nt fair..but she has a good husband that is by her side..and she is loved so much by everyone...Congrats on the new baby..I'll bet your so proud and happy ..thanks Mark and I'll keep you and Mary in my prayers..

Hugs,

Cindysue

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Withani(Cindisue) ohhh my friend you was alright to me not any different then they way I act...I wish I could give you a hug I know you get depressed and sometimes things bring back so many memories of Gary and they probably will for a long time..but no need to apoligise you are loved by all of us here and I will do anything to make you feel better..your always tryin to make me feel better your a sweet person but you will get through it..I know its hard..I feel myself fallen apart all the time...its hard to feel happy on the holidays..you feel lonely and sad..Byron was'nt feelin good today...his little nose was just a running..and he was coughing..all I wanna do is hold him and tell him how much I love him he is so special to me..I don't know what I would do without him..he is seeing his heart doctor again Oct the 12th I hope we don't get bad news..he will probably wanna do the catherzation and the balloon valveplasty..I am so scared for him...I'll wanna be with him in surgery too..but I know they won't let me..but I know I'll be a nervous wreak till I know my baby is ok..well my friend..I am sending you a big HUG...Cindysue

Love And Hugs From Me And Baby Byron..

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CindySue and Mark...thanks so much for being here on the holidays...I know we all need each other...especially on days like this. There were things that I could have done today but I just wanted to be home and alone..had been running all weekend with the reunion and barbeque on Saturday and Peanut time Sunday that I just wanted to be alone today. CindySue...I'm sure everything will go smoothly with Bryon..his mommy is taking great care of him and as he grows he will take great care of you my friend :) Mark...grandchildren..boys and girls I agree with you..treasure on earth and it makes me happy that you take such an interactive role with it :)

God bless you both...LOVE AND HUGS...CindiSue (Withani)

P.S. - At school this week we're having a bake sale for the Hurrican Katrina victims...that's what's so cool about this job...they actual care about things other than the bottom line

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Withani(Cindisue) Today was sure a rough day was'nt it? I was cryin most of the day so depressed and Byron was depressed too maybe cause I was I can't be this way no more cause Byron is picking up on me being unhappy and he deserves to be happy I am all he's got..yes I think me and Byron wil always have a real close bond..I been talkin to a guy on one of the sites I go to and he seems really nice but I am scared to get involved after the last date..I sent him a pic of me I just took yeaterday and he wanted a pic of Byron also so I just took some new ones of Byron too and now this guy wants to meet us pretty bad..he seems so nice but right now I jst wanna be friends and not get involved I have to get me straightened out first and its not fair to any guy for me to date when my mind is only on Roger its not fair ro him or me..I would compare to much..even though this guy is tall like Roger was..I am just gonna wait..till I can feel good about it..Kinda is wierd cause I have talked to him a few weeks and he's already telling me he had strong feelings for me and Byron..and wants to call me but I won't give my # out till I know him better and right now I have to think about Byron he comes first before my happiness..besides I don't think I can be happy with anyone but Roger..I am still too much in love with him..and the hard part is never seeing him again him joking and teasing me and his kissing and hugging me everyday the stuff that people take for granted..you never realize how much you miss it till its gone forever..:( we will all be ok you me Mark..you are both in my prayers and thoughts always..love u both for always being here..

Love And Hugs From Me And Baby Byron

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alwaysmyjennifer

CindySue, enjoy sleeping. Roger remains a part of your life, and not only in your imagination. I'm fascinated with how such a small child like Byron can immitate his Daddy. What next, eh? Just take the blades out of his razor.

Thank you for the thoughts about Mary. We had a talk about how hard it is for her to breathe, now. She said she has to work at breathing, and it hurts to take a breath. Now I'm really scared.

For today, here's a hug, and a prayer that you can have peace and comfort. Smile. You look beautiful. Mark

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alwaysmyjennifer

withani, CindiSue, oooooooo, bake sale! My problem is, I'm stuck in the Big Apple. lol. I pray you rake in a fortune for those people. As we get into this more, I may just go there with Tina to help a little. It gets us out of the cold of winter? lol. Now, what is it with everyone wanting to be alone over the weekend? We should have all gotten together for a little fiesta.

Interactive role in my grandchildren? Girl, I just wish I weren't the grandfather who was 950 miles away. Especially at 4 bux a gallon. I don't care if I need to hitchhike in a tractor trailer, I'm going to be there for my grandchild's birth. Crusty old codger - at 44. I'm glad you had some Peanut time over the weekend. If he's like my grandson, he's a tornado. His phone calls are kinda like, "Grandpa, I fed an alligator. My friend Emily kissed me. Ya know what Mommy did?" But of course, he always turns me to mush by saying Grandpa, I love you! The first time he said that, I was standing (I'm usually in a wheelchair), and I fell to the floor.

May you be blessed doing for those suffering so much today. Thanks for doing something so kind.

hugs and prayers, Mark

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CindySue....I don't blame you after the last date of being leary of another..be cautious girlfriend of a guy saying he has strong feeling for you and Bryon when you haven't even spoken on the phone yet...as we know..there's a lot of kooks out there...lol!!! You will never get over loving Roger...the same as I will never get over loving Gary...if and when a love comes along again it's going to be different...it's suppose to be but your Roger is always going to be in your heart. No matter who I come across and if I'm fortunate enough to love again..as soon as I pass I'm running to Gary as fast as I can!!!!!!!!!!! In the meantime..though..we need to be careful because we're soooooooooo vulnerable and even though we want to have a connecting relationship again this is going to take time...I think it's healthy to date around and not get serious unless it feels right but not leaving behind the memories of our beloved.

I hope you have a good day CindySue...wished you lived closer girlfriend!!! Love and Hugs...CindiSue

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Mark...me in a bake sale is laughable..I'm a terrible cook but I'm glad we're getting the kids involved with this. The pictures I'm seeing from the devastation from Hurrican Katrina helps to put my grief in prospective. To think some of the people we're seeing even now..aren't going to make it. So sad........

I only spent one day alone over the weekend...you're right a fiesta would have been a nice touch :)

I didn't realize your grandson was 950 miles away...that's difficult I'm sure...I'm used to Peanut being right here and now he's only 30 minutes away. He called me Sunday morning crying saying "I want my nanna"...I met he and my daughter for lunch and to see their new apartment and hopefully since she works close by they'll stop over this evening for a little bit...I've very fortunate. I'm happy Gary got to meet Peanut.

Hey 44 is not old!!!! I'm 48 here but I still think I'm 26...I've heard from several people the 50's are great so something to definitely look forward to. I'm so sorry to hear the pain Mary's been in...god bless her..and you!!!! I didn't know you were in a wheelchair? The two of you have been through so much. How's your son? Take care of your beautiful wife and I hope you both enjoy a peaceful day...love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

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alwaysmyjennifer

Hey now, no boo hooing over me being crippled. I was born with spina bifida, so I'm accustomed to it. Terrible cook? Nah, you're a great cook! If something goes wrong, blame it on the stove. lol. Last weekend wasn't a total bust, you know. My son-in-law and I had a "bonding" time, cracking mother-in-law jokes for about an hour. He got the zonk prize for a mother-in-law (not Mary, Tina's mother), and we had fun with the jokes. Now, T was born before my 14th birthday, almost exactly the same time as Jennifer. She married a guy only 3 years younger than me. Picture him trying to call me Dad, when he's taller and bigger than me, too. It's hilarious! This is my silly family. Be good, and hugs to you. Mark

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Well Mark and CindySue they got out of my cooking at school...lol...I got moved to full time work in the special needs toddler room...I'm excited about it...I liked your comments about a silly family...they're the best..who wants to be ordinary!!! Love and Hugs...CindiSue/Withani

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Mark, thankyou for your kind words..wow 44 is'nt old at all..I am 47 with 7 grandchildren..now I feel real old when my oldest grandson is 11,10,6,4,2,18monthes and 5 monthes...so having them all plus my 2 year old thiers usually a houseful on the holidays..I tell my girls slow down witht he kids..lol..I know I don't want no more..having Byron was a blessing enough for me..Your right Roger is always in my dreams and I am not sure why that is..if he is comming through to me or what..but I feel he is...I had no idea you was in a wheelchair..you will be ok..you are a very strong man..and such a caring heart..I really appreciate you giving me time and making me feel good about myself..I know life will never be the same without Roger..but I am proud he gave me 3 great kids ..and he finally got a son he always wanted before he passed away..just like it was meant to be...Gosh I am so sorry to hear about Mary having such a hard time...its hard to see your loved ones suffer..But she has you with her and knowing you love her so much is comforting to her..but I am always praying for you both all the time...Good luck and your a very sweet caring man..Hugs, Cindysue

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withani(Cindisue) Hey girl, I think your right I gotta be careful thier are alot of crazy people out thier and its scarey..they think they love you and I think how can they love you when they never meant you or anything..It must be thier perverted minds or something..I am sorry I am starting to think most guys seems to be perverted,,,I want to love and be loved but not right away..I know no one will take Rogers place I mean my gosh I was with him since we were 15 I could'nt feel the same with anyone else..we went through high school together and when we were both 18 we could'nt wait to get married..and people kept sayin oh it won't last..well we proved them wrong I guess they thought well we were kids but our love never died it was stronger every year..thats whats so hard..to go on but I am gonna do it for Byron..:) Cindisue I think its wonderful what your doing with your job..sounds like you really enjoying what you are doing....man its wierd Byron fell asleep today on the chair and I was watchin TV when something came on and the guy looked just like my Roger on Tv and I bursted out cryin well I did'nt know Byron woke up he walked to me and pulled my head up and go's mama and he hugs me and kisses me...and that made me feel so good..I just put him on my lap and hugged him tight..he hates to see me cry and hugs me all the time..but I had no idea he was awake and heard me..he is such a sweet baby...so loving..gosh he reminds me of Roger when I would cry Roger use to do the same thing ..well I mean he did'nt crawl on my lap...lol..but he hugged and kissed me..I don't think I would want a 6'3 245 pound man sitting on my lap..lol...but anyways girlfriend I sure wish I lived closer too you are such a good friend to me..and alway make me feel special when I don't feel it no more you and Mark are like a blessing to me..Well time to check on Byron talk to you later..Cindysue

Love And Hugs From Me And Byron

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alwaysmyjennifer

CindySue, you win the award for grandchildren. WOW! The way Byron acts, I'm going to say he either has a very strong genetic predisposition to be identical to his Daddy, or Daddy is paying him visits. He's getting this from somewhere.

To get another grandbaby is such a blessing, and I'm about to see if I have more news. When I was sixteen, a girl I knew had a baby, and she put her up for adoption, too. Yes, another one. Until the test is back, I can't say much. If it's a positive, I'm gaining more grandbabies. Now, don't get all boohoo over me being in a 'chair. I really kinda like it. It's the way I am, and I'm comfortable. I'm upset Mary is the way she is. Her breathing is now getting involved with the illness, so I'm trying to adjust to her needs.

Your thoughts about love and perverts are wise. Are you related to the Dahli Lahma? My sweetie's been telling me to remarry, but how? Nobody can ever love me, nor can I love anyone, like her. She's a part of ME, my soul, my spirit. Even if I love again, she's got to know I must still love my sweetie forever.

Take care of that adorable little boy, and yourself. Thoughts and prayers for ya, with hugs, Mark

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CindySue and Mark...today was funny being with the 2 year olds...I was like a fish out of water when I was asked to sing songs to them (having been in business the past 15 years) but I did and it was fun.

CindySue...you are so funny girlfriend...I cracked up when I was reading about Bryon acting like his daddy except you wouldn't have wanted a 245 lb man crawling up on your lap...lol!

No one can EVER take the place of your Roger...the two of you together since 15 against all odds and loving each other stronger every year...how cool is that!!!! I'm sure you WILL love again..but like we keep saying...it will be different and the tough part is going to be not to compare. I can only imagine what it's been like for you...with Gary I met him at 36 a couple months after leaving my husband of 16 years who I didn't have a connection with...my great love of Gary seemed to most that it had no rhymn or reason..I just did...the first to ever make me feel anything..it was as if I was a robot before. I know with his loss I lost a part of me..and I honestly felt like I lost my mind! We'll get through this girlfriend! Love and Hugs...CindiSue

Mark...what a special guy you are and the love you feel for Mary just pours out in your writing. I'm so sorry you have to see your love in so much debilitating pain...my thoughts and prayers are with you both. I'm glad you are taking such good care of her and I'm sure it's not easy on you. Although Gary passed suddenly...about 9 months prior he was going steadily downhill and I know it's tough to see the one you love go through this..you feel so helpless and when they have a good day you think all will be well. As you advise me :) ...do something for YOURSELF!!! Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

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alwaysmyjennifer

withani, oh, CindiSue, that's not tee hee funny, Mary did that for about twenty years. She's so natural with little children. I love watching her teach them. I don't want to go crying all night over this, but you said something that dredged up a few memories of someone I once knew. I'll have no apologies, because these are happy memories. We lived together for about four years in northern Ontario. When you wrote the word helpless, I thought of someone I met a long time back, and these are his words.

There is a town in north Ontario, With dream comfort memory to spare,

And in my mind I still need a place to go, All my changes were there.

Blue, blue windows behind the stars, Yellow moon on the rise,

Big birds flying across the sky, Throwing shadows on our eyes.

Leave us

Helpless, helpless, helpless Baby can you hear me now?

The chains are locked and tied across the door, Baby, sing with me somehow.

Blue, blue windows behind the stars, Yellow moon on the rise,

Big birds flying across the sky, Throwing shadows on our eyes.

Leave us

Helpless, helpless, helpless.

Do you recognize the song? It's Helpless, by Neil Young. It was one my old girlfriend liked. Okay, I'll do something for me. Thank you. You dear ladies enjoy the evening. I'm praying for you. Mark

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Mark, Yeah its so wierd how Byron is imating his daddy..like he does it just bring me such great memories..and he is so cute acting like him but boy is he a handful at times always doing something..I go Byron where are you when he leaves the room ..I go mama he says..and I look in the kitchen and I thought oh no what is he doing and he got into my coffee creamer and had emptyied it all over the floor and had it in his face and hair..I thought not again this is your 3rd bath at its only 2pm..lol..all my time is puttin him in the bathtub..and he just loves it..I thought ok buddy time for nap time so I can go to sleep...I am so stressed out I am having such a hard time today my medicaid dropped me and Byron cause they said we get to much social security from my husband death..and now we have ni medical insurance..so I been like cryin all day worring who is gonna take us now when he has a hear condition and I was right too worry all the insurance companys I called tells me I am sorry we can't take you cause your baby has a heart condition and its preexisting..:( so now I am worried about what to do so I am tryin other things..so how is Mary? I hope she is feelin even a little better..my prayers are with you both..

Lots Of Hugs for you both..Cindysue and Baby Byron.

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Withani(Cindisue) Well was a long day Byron gets into so much..today he got onto my coffee creamer and had that all over the floor and himself he was so sticky and a mess that was around 2pm and around noon he got into my makeup when I was on the phone and took my lipstick and painted his face and smeared the walls and when I caught him I go Oh No byron he go;s I petty mama..that how he pronounced pretty as petty..it was so cute his mouth looked like a clown the way he had the lipstick on..and if that was'nt enough he rubbed baby lotion on his hair too..I guess to slick it back....oh what a mess he was...he had a total of 4 baths for the day his normal lately has been 2 to 3..lol..hey when Roger was alive and my kids were home I used to make then steak or porkchops or somethin and I remember cutting up thier meat and stupid me was doing Rogers too and I got into that habit so mmuch I was cutting up his meat even up to the day he died..man I think I babied him cause I would like dress Byron and he would go honey I need help too and I would put his socks on and his shoes on and then I would think what am I doing he is 46 years old..he can do his own..lol..I think he was liking that attention but I would do it all over again...:) Today was a rough day..my stupid medicaid just dumped us they told me I made to much on my widows benefits that I get for me and Byron and I thought what the heck I was on it a year and now they are tellin me this..so now I have no Insurance and havin trouble gettin it and the bad part is Byron is gonna need a heart cathertzation done soon..so I am tryin the health dept..and they are gonna see what they can do about least havin Byron's upcomming surgerys paid for and his appointments..my eyes are all swollen from cryin so much..another thing to worry about now..well girlfriend I am gonna run for now have a goodnight..

Love And Hugs From Me And Baby Byron

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alwaysmyjennifer

CindySue, thank you! After the morning I just had, I needed to giggle over Byron's antics. Now, about the insurance, stop worrying for the moment, cry on my shoulder, and give me until Monday to find out what I can do. In NY, we have all kinds of loopholes, even though they're getting plugged up with government poodles. If they can be found, we'll see what we can do. I may need to have you do a little leg work, but we'll do all we can. For a start, will it help if you bury the overage of your income into an education trust for Byron? Then, write a letter, notarized, stating that amount of income is unavailable for your monthly livin expenses. See? Loopholes. I also know of an insurance company that is cheap, and doesn't look at pre-existing conditions for children. I just can't remember the name of it. I'll find it, and see if you can get it there.

I don't want to make you worry, but Mary had a crappy nite, praying for death. Seriously. Today hasn't been much more fun. I'm about to drop for a nap. I need it. I'll be online tonite, maybe, if I can wake up.

prayin for ya, and big hugs to ya, Mark

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Mark....I'm glad they were happy memories that were dredged up and yes I know the Neil Young song Helpless!!! Great song...a have sooo much great music that Gary left me with...he burned 975 songs on my computer and I started burning cd's over the summer in case my computer crashed...it did in the spring and I thought I'd lost ALL OF THEM...anyway..I got about 1/3 of the way through burning the cd's but I had to stop because I couldn't stop crying burning them and then having to listen to make sure they were alright...maybe I can get back to them in the winter....we'll see.

Anyway..I'm so sorry to hear Mary had a rough night...I hope you did something for yourself.

Toddlers wore me out today!!!

Take care...love and hugs..cindisue/withani

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CindySue...don't worry too much girlfriend..Mark provided you with some GREAT ADVICE!!!!

Bryon is such a character...4 baths!!!! I think he's a chip off the old mom block!!! Helping a 46 year old man get dressed is funny...I'm sure Roger loved the attention and it made him feel so loved. He was truly blessed in having a wife like you CindySue.

I'll write more soon...toddlers wore me out today.

Love and Hugs from CindiSue

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alwaysmyjennifer

Yes, CindiSue, I did something just for me. I processed film, and messed with the guitar my children gave me for Father's Day a couple of years ago. Now, I'm surrounded by my children, grandchildren, and nephews and nieces, and one great niece.

So many songs, so much work, so many memories. Take your time through those, and overload your emotions on any one day. You have time for these things.

I'm not in much of a mood, all my own hangups. I use a system for grieving, and it works well, but I found a glitch recently. It's one flaw seems to be in dealing with memories. Anyhow, thanks for asking of my sweetie. She's had a tough day too. This is getting to be too much on her. I hope tonight isn't a replay. I'm taking my happy little sleepy pills, and then I'm going to drop.

Goodnight. hugs and prayers. Mark

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Mark, I don't know how to thankyou its been such a worry to me..I got on this program called BCMH and its place for medically handicapped lids..and they told me today that Byron's all his heart doctors appointment and surgerys will all be paid for..so thats one less thing to worry about now the insurance for other things is what I worry about..thankyou Mark fo checking on some places for me I really appreciate that..its been such a worry..I am so sorry to hear of Mary suffing like she is..its not fair that she has to go through so much pain..well I think Byron was tryin to eat coffee today he got into my canister and was poring it out and he decided to eat some but he did'nt like the taste..he was tryin to get me to get it out of his mouth..I think he thought it would be good..boy he keeps me busy..he had 3 baths today so its a little better ..man he's got to be the cleanest baby in the town I live in..well thanks again Mark and I hope Mary sleeps well and I hope you do also sounds like you need the rest..thinkin of you both...Huggggs to yopu,Cindysue

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Withani(Cindisue)Gosh Byron is lively..today he got into some coffee grounds and was tryin to eat it...lol..he did'nt like the taste though then it made him mad so he dumped it on my kitchen floor ..so while I was cleaning that out he decides to get in my purse again and gets my foundation out and spread that all over his face and hair..and he decided to por some on my end stands..I am like yellin Byron NO and he;s starts running and I caught him..and go to his level and said no Byron that was bad..he looks at me and kisses me..and I thought oh great he's got me wrapped around his finger how can I be stern with him when he looks at me so cute and makes kissing sounds like his daddy used to do when I would bitch him out...lol..wow that is so wierd how he is actin like his daddy..Roger would say if he was alive thats my boy..I know him...well he is doing better Cindisue he had 3 baths instead of 4...lol..wow am I tired ..well I know he's a clean baby but he loves baths he is like a little fish...well I am gonna go to sleep now I am beat was a long day of callin insurance companys and gettin nowhere..:( oh well maybe Mark will come up with something but I am gonna keep tryin everywhere maybe I will get lucky..have a goodnight girlfriend...

Love and Hugs..From Me And baby Byron

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alwaysmyjennifer

CindySue, I hope you are well today. Oh, what else can that sweet little guy get into? Are you on bath number three yet today? His skin must look all wrinkly. It's okay, girl, you just keep caring for Byron the way you are. He's a special boy. I have a website for you, and all you have to do is scroll down to the state listing, hit your state, and find the closest office. They will help you with the red tape of getting the MA reestablished, and getting the income to where the beaurocrats are happy with it, so you can have your insurance. Yeesh! I hate government red tape. I know what it's like, living on Social Insecurity and trying to play my guitar to supplement a little. The website is, http://www.ilusa.com/links/ilcenters. I did my counseling internship in an Independent Living Center, so I've done advocacy, counseling, disability claims, the whole string.

Thank you for the kind words. We don't understand this illness well enough to know how it will effect her as an individual. The Lord only gives us grace for the day, not the year. Patience Mark, patience.

Hugs for you! Have fun with Byron today. I'm thinking and praying. Mark

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alwaysmyjennifer

withani, CindiSue, I hope you are also doing well today, buddy. Did you have fun with all those little ones? Now, use the weekend to recover, while you play with Peanut. hee hee. Cheeky little cuss, aren't I? Just take it easy for a little bit tonight, and use it for your own special time.

Mary had a bad day, full of pain. My son has only a tiny scar from his shooting incident. My older son brought his girlfriend home to meet his Mom and Dad, so I guess they're getting interested in eah other. Oh well, it's bound to happen.

Take care, my friend. Enjoy the weekend. I'll catch you somewhere tomorrow nite. Hugs to you, with prayers, Mark

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CindySue and Mark....you guys I wish we all lived close to one another...CindySue Bryon is such a character with his baths and getting into stuff and just growing despite everything that has been happening around him and bonding with dear mom...I love it!!! I am soooo glad Mark have you information on who to contact etc. with regards to your insurance. You'll be alright girlfriend. Mark...I would have loved to have heard you messin' with the guitar...I'm such a junkie for guitar playin'..Gary and I used to have a blast every Monday and Tuesday playing from out songbook...a lot of Cranberries..John Prine...John Fogerty..Joan Baez..Bob Dylan..wow I miss that!!! As I've mentioned...I can't get myself to play...I did initially but I quit...just too painful. Anyway the little one's were very cute today..getting used to me...haven't seen Peanut for several days so I hope he shows up this weekend. That's nice that your older son brought his girl over. I'm sorry Mary had such a bad day...I know it's difficult for both of you. I know Mary is very sick and I also know I took great comfort while being sick with minor illnesses when Gary would play his guitar or read to me...I'm glad you did somethings for yourself today..take care my friend.

Love and Hugs...CindiSue

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Mark, Thankyou so much for your information I am gonna check that site out..I will probably do it tomorrow when I all rested up and Byron is takin his nap..well another day is Byron's adventures..I was doing the dishes today and the phone rang so I went in the other room to answer it and when I got done talkin..Byron decides to help do the dishes..so he grabs a chair climbs on it and was washing the dishes but instead of the disehes wasing he was washing his face witht he water and putting some in his hair and when I walked in thier his head was full of suds and he looks at me and grins ..he had water everywhere I picked him uo and go's ohhh great your 3 rd bath for today...lol..I am surprised I don't have a high water bill..but anyways, thankyou again Mark for your help..I do appreciate it alot..I hope Mary is feelin ok today I been thinkin about her and praying she is'nt suffring to much today..this has to be so hard on you to watch your love suffer I am glad in a way Roger did'nt linger on and was in a vegetable after he stopped breathing...cause he went so quick..that he could'nt have suffered least I pray he did'nt...Bless you both I am always thinkin of you..and will let you know what I find out with this insurance thing..Hugs and Love to both of you..Cindysue

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Withani(Cindisue)Your right Byron sure knows how to keep me running today he decided to help me witht the dishes..only he was all wet with suds all over his hair and he was soaked...I had no idea he was tryin to help witht the dishes till my phone rang and I went to answer it..that little devil took a chair pushed it against the sink and was helping alright he had water everywhere...whew his 3rd bath or the day at that was only like 3PM he had another one before he went to bed cause guess what he got into too...he somehow got the fridge opened and was eating sour creme and not only that he found some butter he rubbed that all over his hair and face,,,lol...I swear I can be talking on the phone and he can be right in front of my face and get into something...well I tried calling all the insurance companys in town and no one will except Byron cause of his medical condition they will me but not him so I guess I need to check the site Mark gave me..he was so helpful...I am glad I have you and Mark as friends I don't know how I could get through the night without you two..well my sweet friend time for me to lay down after a long day of running after Byron..now I wonder what is in store for me tomorrow..tkake care..Cindysue

Love And Hugs, Cindysue and Byron

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alwaysmyjennifer

CindySue, I don't dare ask what's next now. That boy is a non-stop laugh. Of course, I'm not cleaning up after him. Maybe he thought the sink was just another tub of bubbles? The independent living centers are for people with disabilities, like Byron's heart condition. They can help you sort out how to keep insurance going. I hate red tape! If I can help, just ask. Mark

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Withani, CindiSue, what do mean, we don't live close? I'm just outside the biggest city in the country. Don't worry about playing the guitar for a while. You have enough for your heart. I'm happy to hear the children are starting to warm up to you. Give it time, and you'll be so hooked with love, you'll never want to leave the job. Mary stayed in it for over twenty years. I love seeing her with children. She's in her element with them. Well, I have to wrestle with some housework. I'm afraid it's going to win today, cuz I'm also hurting pretty bad. It's starting to get cooler at night, and that makes me hurt. Hugs to you. Mark

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CindySue...Bryon must be squeaky clean..I always had trouble with my kids when I'd get on the phone it was like a free for all..they'd be hangin' from the phone cord..gettin' into stuff..Bryon's gonna keep you hoppin' girlfriend but that's EXACTLY what you need right now :) !!! I have a feeling this is how it's suppose to go for you right now with Bryon keeping you busy and amused. I'm sure everything will work out as far as insurances etc....Mark has good advice about that. I had a couple bad days this week..seems to happen with the changing of seasons it reminds me of what happened last year at this time...from September to when Gary passed it was just a downward spiral...Halloween is definitely going to be the toughest..it was our favorite holiday and we used to dress up like Austin Powers and his shagette for four years in a row..we'd always win first place but last year Gary was so out of it he didn't even dress like Austin..just a clown with pink lipstick on his eyebrows and face...it was sad...

I need a Peanut fix...haven't seen him for a week!!! I've called him twice but at 20 months the response I get is huh..yeah..huh...

Anyway...I hope you're doing something enjoyable this weekend for yourself...love and hugs from cindisue

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Mark...Hope you do not have to deal with too much pain today...you have a full plate. Thank you for saying not to worry about playing the guitar..it was good to hear that. I think you're right about getting hooked on the love that comes from the kids..being with them 9-6 for just three days I am starting to feel that this is going to be good!!! Mary working with children for over 20 years..wow..she is one special lady Mark..the two of you are so fortunate to have found each other and to have so many happy memories.

Hope you some good hours this weekend...hugs and love from withani

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Withani(Cindisue) I know what you mean about the holidays its gonna be rough I am sorry that halloween will be so hard for you..wish I could have seen Gary with the lipstick on ..I'll bet it was funny...the first holidays seem to be so hard without the love being near you..but they are with you..:) I heard me and Rogers song too..not sure if you know it but its called I never had a dream come true...me and Roger always loved that song and said it was our song I heard it today and cried...cause it reminded me of him so much..its by club7 ..its a pretty song..and its makes me feel good to listen to it...:) Byron was a little better today...its cute when you said you talked to peanut and he go's huh all the time..cause Byron does that alot...I don't know whay but today I feel real crappy..and down..well its when of them days I guess..when everything go;s wrong..Byon had 2 baths today which is good for him...real good...Well I think I am gonna lay down I feel kinda sick to my stomach...but I hope you get to see that gorgeous little boy soon..he is such a cute baby...

Love And Higs From Me And Byron..

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Mark, Thanks for everything...today is a depressing day for some reason..I guess hearing me and Roger's song brought back alot of emotions..I don't know if you ever heard of it or not Its called I never had a dream come true..me and Roger always listened to it..and he always thpught that and follow me by Uncle Kracker he said that will be our songs..and everytime I listen to it..I cry...wishing more then ever he was with me...How's Mary feelin? I hope you both ahve a great weekend I am gonna lay down since I feel so crappy...Love and Hugs..Cindysue

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alwaysmyjennifer

Thank you both for the kindness and support. Without you, I'd be daffy by now. Thank you for asking of my love. She had another night of pain. We've been awake since about 2am, and I couldn't get her asleep until after midnight. I'm getting nursing in soon. I think you have the best idea, CindySue, I'm going to go back to sleep. Maybe I can get some rest. hugs and love to you both. Mark

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CindySue and Mark...

CindySue...no I don't think I have heard I Never Had a Dream Come True or maybe I have and don't recognize the title..I'm glad it's comforting for you to hear it :) Have you ever seen the movies What Dreams May Come and Mulan Rouge...those were Gary and mines favorites...I can't imagine watching them..maybe in a year or so I'll be able to. I accidentally say Ghost on cable a couple months ago and I couldn't get myself to turn the channel..watched it and couldn't stop crying through the whole thing but sometimes it good to have a cry like that. Hope you're feeling better later today...I'm sure Bryon won't let you lay down too long..lol!!! Love and Hugs..CindiSue

Mark...hope you have a day of piece...wow if you can get a nursing service that would be awesome...Mary really needs you to take care of yourself :) I had to laugh to myself when I read your posting saying without the CindySue and myself you'd be Daffy because that's my nickname...no wonder I feel close to you and CindySue...since CindiSue is my name and Daffy's my nickname..how funny!!! Hope you get some rest...hugs and love..withani

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Withani(Cindisue) I had a screwed up and aweful day..I went to a picnic a GM picnic my mom and stepdad invited me to go to..well my mom bitched at me the whole time..she was mad cause she does'nt think I am doing my part as a mother she said my gosh Cindy Byron is 2 years old and he is scared of slides and swings..and she said you won't let him be a kid...she is all the time treating me this way..she said how can you be a good mother when you all drugged up a nerve pill damn I gotta take when one she is around...she complains cause I don't see her enough and when I do she complains...so I rather stay away...I cried all day since 11am till now and its like almost 1am...I am tired of tryin so hard to be a good mother then ahvin her and my stepdad tell me I am not..:( she keeps tellin me don't use the excuse your stayin home all the time cause of Rogers death he's been gone a long time..and I go mom its only been a little over a year..I can't do nothing to make her happy so why do I even try anymore...thiers times she can be so sweet..then thoers times where I get bitched out all day long...if I talk about Roger she just tells me you can't make a shrine out of your plce by lookin at his pics all day long...why does she make me feel so unhappy..and make me feel like I am being a bad mother when I try so hard..maybe I do need to get out more..but its too depressing at times to go all be by yourself..I am soyy I am so down ..just a hard day today..I hope your weekend went good...thanks to you and Mark for always being here I don't know what I would do without you two...be depressed more probably..have a goodnight my friend..

Love And Hugs,

From Me And Byron

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Mark, I hope Mary is doing ok today...I wish I could say I had a good weekend but I did'nt it has'nt been good at all..me and my mom don't get along the greatest so it was an all day arguement on how to raise Byron I am not doing good enough for her I guess..really brings my self esteem down pretty low..I try to get along but I will never unless I agree with everything she says...I mean my mom is a caring and sweet person its just that she treats me like I am a kid and need her help in raising my child..I guess I am not doing as good as what she wants..she thinks its aweful cause Byron is scared of swings and slides and he is so shy around other people..but I guess I need to not let her bother me so much I just feel like an outcast with her..I have 1 sister and 2 brother and she treats my sister a whole lot better then me...my sister and her act alike and look alike..and they were always close...she is the oldest I am next to the youngest..oh well I need to not let her bother me..well I will lay down after today I am tired am thinkin of you both..

Love And Hugs,

From Me And Byron

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alwaysmyjennifer

CindiSue, (withani). Daffy, eh???? hee hee. I promise I won't get too sarcastic. How ya' doing? I really hope you're well today. Here's to you having a blast with all those little angels.

We hope to have the nursing in here by the end of the month. I'm now plotting a new car for her for our anniversary, next week. I want another Vette, but we do have children, so . . . I don't want to sound gloomy, but I spent the weekend feeling like I'm starting to emotionally withdraw from her. I hate that! She's my heart, my soul, my life. I know that spouses go through these spells, to adjust, but I still hate it. I have noticed that I must also repeat things for days now, because she just doesn't connect the dots to what I'm telling her. She's in her own world, I guess. Then again, she does have to use methadone for pain. Nasty stuff.

Be good to yourself, and spoil yourself rotten. Hugs and love. Mark

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CindySue, Just treat yourself well, and keep doing your best with Byron. If you didn't love him, you wouldn't be giving him three and four baths a day. My neighbor still lets her five year old wear diapers! That's an unfit mother, and yet, not one agency will do anything to make it right for those children. I can relate to the parent thing. I had it so "good", I left home at 13, just about the time Jenni was born. My parents have little to say to me, unless they want me to do something for them. I won't bother telling them about my second daughter, because I got such a "warm" reception from the first. You're doing well with Byron, and yes, my friend, some two year olds are afraid of slides and swings, like my son was. Now, he's training for rescue diving from helicopters and shooting machine guns. What can you say? Some flowers bloom in spring, others in summer. You are a beautiful person, and a wonderful mother. Rest in that. Hugs and, Mark

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