Young Widowhood

[cindysue]

withani(Cindisue)I don't know whic is better being witht he person as watchin them die so suddenly and expected or not being thier if I have to think about it I am glad me and Byron was with him so he did'nt feel so scared I looked in his eyes and said I love you please don't leave me..but I knew he could;nt control that..but when does the pain go away??? I don't know Cindisue if I can ever love again as much as I loved Roger he was my everything...everytime a guy says somethin nice I am thinkin you freaken pervert...lol..damn I mean I get offended what is wrong with me..I can see why this guy fell in love with you the first time your not only beautiful inside but outside too and he sees that..but yes I do think your still grieving specially when you don't like hearing that and it makes you feel so uncomfortable...I know it would me too but at least your honest with him...I am so happy for you havin such a rewarding job it sounds like you will do good in it..you have the heart and compassion for a job like that...I am sorry you have to find 2 jobs just to go on.. and make ends meet I am very lucky I get social security called widows benefits from Rogers death they went by his yearly uncome and how long he had the job Roger was an over the road truckdriver and was one for 18 years and brought in 190,000 dollars a year in so we were living really well...but you know what we did'nt have a lot to show for it..sure we had a nice car but he always bought things for the kids and his family and mine..he bought both the girls new cars and his mother a big screen TV and whatever anyone wanted he would get them he gave away his money litterly it made him happy to do that...so the money I do get now is around 2,800 dollars a month which is enough for me and BYron to live on without me ever workin..but It does'nt bring happiness..I would rather be a poor person and Have my Roger back but I know that can never happen.....Roger was not a stingy person he even donated money to charites all the time..you know what I find myself doing the same thing and I think man Cindy I can't do that I gotta live on that for me and Byron...Anyways Cindisue good luck with your job they are lucky to have you..:)give your peanut a kiss and a hug for me..Cindysue..

Love And Hugs From Me And Baby Byron

[withani]

Hi CindySue! Hope you're having a decent weekend. It makes me cry when I read how Roger was so scared when he passed...I'm glad you and baby Bryon were there...I'm sure it gave him great comfort although I'm sure it's gotta be hard on YOU!!! It made me sad that Gary was alone and has taken me awhile to deal with that fact.

I don't think the pain will ever go away...as I understand it just gets less intense over time. As far as loving again...from everything I have read and heard you CAN love again but it will be a different love and your love for Roger will ALWAYS be there. I know I don't love instantly...it takes me awhile and I KNOW I'm not ready for anything like that yet.

Today I was suppose to go to the Canoe Guy's Birthday Party he was throwing for himself but I'm NOT going. For one thing...it's his 50th birthday...Gary and I celebrated his 50th together just he and I as usual. It always was just he and I. Anyway...I wanted to take him out to dinner to this great little restaurant he loved called Market Street. Instead..he said Cindi..it's my 50th birthday and all I want to do is get Kentucky Fried Chicken..1/2 a pint of whiskey and play guitars and sing. So...that was exactly what we did..he passed 12 days later.

Not only am I NOT going to this birthday party for Canoe Guy...I'm not going to see him either...I think he's nuts...and not in a good way. He doesn't have his drivers license because of a DUI so I picked him up for the concert Thursday at his house and he has a picture of me he took on the canoe trip as his screensaver for one...secondly a gave him a couple gag gifts since his birthday was actually Wednesday and on the card I wrote Happy 50th Hope you Have a Great Day..Cindi. He told me he wrote the word love above my name in case any of his friends saw it at his party. THEN he wrote me this LONGGGG email about how I shouldn't be afraid to make a commitment..blah blah blah...and I'm NOT going to deal with this guy! History.

Thanks for the congrats on the job...it will be rewarding..I'm looking forward to it and hopefully will open other doors for me. Don't feel bad because I'll be working two jobs...I'm used to working..I've been a single parent for 12 years and Gary couldn't hold a job for very long and didn't contribute monetarily to my household so I'm used to it. Just don't want the pressure of the sales I've been doing for so long so I'm off on a new journey. I'm glad Roger took care of you in that way..who knows..you may end up doing something a couple hours a week just to have some YOU time...after Bryon is older...there's something to be said for that.

I'm going over a girlfriends house tonight that's having a party for one of her boyfriend's friends so I'd better get going...hope you have a decent weekend CindySue...LOVE AND HUGS TO YOU AND BABY BRYON...CindiSUe

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) Wow you said Gary had kentucky fried chucken on his b-day now that is really strange cause Roger had that same meal on his 46th b-day then 2 weeks later he passed away...and even on the day he died the last meal he had was kentucky fried chicken..wow that is somethin that Roger and Gary had the same kind of meal before he died a few weeks later...I almost fell off my chair when you told me that..Cindisue I don't know what I would do if I did'nt have your friendship and love for us..you have made a great impact on my life and have made me feel so much better about alot of things ..I feel like we were mant to be friends on here talkin to you have made my days so much bearable..I know what you mean about not wanting to celebrate this man's b-day cause you think of Gary..to me this guy is really nuts or really madly in love with you when your not ready for that..I know what you men for myself its been a year now since Roger has passed and I know I am not ready to love again..I am glad you not gonna see this nutty canoe guy he sounds a little off to me..and I think your better off without him..but do whats in your heart..I wanna see you happy again..my weekend is lonely and sad..just alot going in my mind..my little Byron with his little kisses and hugs makes me so happy that I have him he looks so much like his daddy...he just loves lookin at his daddy's pics he go's dada all the time when he sees it..and even kisses the pic and I go yeah baby that was your dada..times like that I feel so sad he will never see his baby grow up like he did our girls..but I know he is watchin him all the time and protecting him..well my friend hope you had fun at your friends house...give your sweet peanut a kiss from me and say hi to your daughter also..Cindysue.

Love and Hugs from me and baby byron

[withani]

Hi There CindySue!!! You are right...we were DESTINED to be friends!!! I think Roger is enjoying Gary's company right now and vice versa. They're probably eating Kentucky Fried Chicken and having sing a longs!!! Wow..that is strange how Roger had KFC for his birthday as well.

Yes I did have a decent time last night...I went over my friend Julie's for a party she was throwing and then met my OTHER friend Julie with her boyfriend to listen to his brother's band. Too bad you don't live close you could have gone with us. It was fun...but as you know...there's always something missing. I'm not ready for relationship or another love. The best I can do is an occasion date. That's why with the canoe guy or others that could be like that I'm just going to keep on running. I can't handle it because they simply don't understand. I'm always going to love Gary...I might..in time..love again in a different way but to be honest I don't care if I ever do or not. I feel fortunate that I was able to have one great love and with the ADC's I've been having from Gary I don't want another guy interfering with that.

I'm glad I've had some kind of impact on you CindySue...you're a GREAT LADY and I'm honored to call you my friend..thanks.

Bryon is a VERY SPECIAL baby...DEFINITELY a gift..he is here to help you and the two of you are going to have a WONDERFUL relationship as he grows. Don't forget to go out with the girlfriends though...much needed..in fact I feel it's more important than going out with some goofy guy...lol. Keeps the weekend less sad and lonely and also you don't have to deal with some guys issues. Remember..right now it's all about YOU...hopefully in time you could pick up a class or hobby that interests you and gives you something you can enjoy.

Take care my dear friend...LOVE & HUGS from CindiSue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue)I thankyou so much for the message I need to go out more with my friends but I feel lost without Roger...so I pretty much keep to myself and am so sad..I don't know what I would do without my girls and Baby Byron..my oldest daughter Tina she comes over alot to check on me..she is worried about me..she is 27 years old and is such a loving girl always worrying about me..she has her hands full herself with 5 kids..but always finds time for me..my other daughter Angela she is 21 and lives 5 hours from me and I have not seen her for almost 5 monthes I miss her and her 2 kids..I am very close to her also..she misses me and Byron alot..and baby Byron he is somethin else..he keeps me going and your right he is the greatest last wonderful gift I could ever recieve from my dear husband..even thouigh he is only 2 years old I think he knows when I am feeling sad cause he kisses me and hugs me alot..your right I'll bet Roger and Gary are having a goodtime eating KFC since they both seemed to love it...was my Rogers last supper..and I am glad he ate what he wanted before he had to leave...thankyou fo being a friend to me you are awesome..maybe someday when I know Byron will be ok with his heart condition I can get out more..and learn to relax more and enjoy myself..I still am scared for my baby I don't know if he will be ok after his heart surgery I guess I will have to do alot of praying for him to recover..will talk to you soon again my sweet friend..

Love and Hugs from me and Baby Byron..

[withani]

Hey there CindySue! I know what you mean about being lost when going out...it's difficult and I DO have to force myself. Then when out I talk in my car like Gary's next to me...just habit. I'm sure I look nutso to the cars passing me (hopefully they just think I'm singing).

Your daughter Tina sounds like such a WONDERFUL DAUGHTER...to have 5 children and yet make sure her mom's okay...I hope you know what a GREAT MOM YOU ARE!!! Angela being 5 hours away I'm sure she wishes she was closer but as we know when they're older they have their own lives. I KNOW baby Bryon must sense when you need a kiss and hug. I've always heard children and pets are extremely intuitive and can tell good people from bad (might be why he was acting funny around the jerky guy)??!!! I'm SURE Bryon will come through his surgery with flying colors but can understand your worrying.

My daughter and son in law have been looking for apartments so we know what that means...Peanut goes too. In some ways it will be nice to have some quiet time but I'm going to miss Peanuts hugs and kisses!!! I may have mentioned before that I have 3 children. My oldest son Ronnie is 26 and doesn't speak to me..he was 14 when his dad and I divorced and he blames me for leaving. He didn't like Gary and then when ever he did speak to me it was only to cuss me out so over a year ago I told him if he couldn't talk to me with the respect I deserve as being his mom then don't even bother...I won't call him and he shouldn't call me. I hated to say that to him CindySue but when you have a child like that you just get tired of the abuse.

I thank YOU for a being a friend as well...I always look forward to our writing. Friends that I have here just don't understand what this is like because they haven't been through it so when I go out with them I have to put the everything's okay mask on because people don't want to know otherwise. I KNOW YOU UNDERSTAND THIS. Yesterday...I went to see the movie Wedding Crashers by myself...I noticed it was playing when I ran out to get gas for my lawn mower and thought I could use a good laugh. If you haven't seen it yet you may not want to. There's a portion in it where they're hitting on woman at funerals and it made me sick!!!! I've gotten some nasty emails from canoe guy because he's mad I won't see him and hold onto Gary instead. I think he's got A LOT of nerve to have an opinion on ANYTHING in my life..he doesn't even know me!

Anyway have a nice day my good friend...LOVE AND HUGS from CindiSue

[cindysue]

withani(Cindisue) Gosh, I am so sorry to hear how your son treats you..thats sad he will regret it someday I know he will..you are strong stronger then me I feel like a nervous wreak all the time..I am so sorry that your daughter may be moving cause I know how attached you are to your little peanut and I can see why he is a very beautiful baby...but you will also like it...being by yourself with peace and quiet time just for you...I am lucky to have daughters that care so much Angela called me lastnight cause she was depressed she missed me so much...she also has a 2 year old son and he is so big she told me he was 36 inches tal and 45 pounds a big tall little boy gosh Byron is only 31 inches and 30 pounds what a big difference..and Angela is not a big girl she is only 5'4 and weighs around 105 pounds...she has the two little ones Allen he is 2 and caleb is around 5 monthes old..I miss all of them so much...your right Byron sinces when I am sad which it is all the time and he go's awwww mama and hugs me and kisees me..and sits on my lap..I tell him I love him all the time he its cute he go;s mama me wuv you...lol..I love the way he talks ..hes my special little miracle baby ..I beeen going to alot of meetings for byron so they can help him with his speech and all..my probelem is I am tryin ti find another Roger and I can't someday maye I can feel better about dateing..well my sweet friend I took a sleepin pill and it is takin a hold of me I hope I am makin since..well sweet friend I will send yoi a much better letter tommrroo ....

KIsses and Hugs from me and baby Byron,,

[withani]

Hi CindySue!!! Hope you're having a better day today...you sounded like you were pretty sad yesterday and I hope today was a better day for you. There's no way around it...dating sucks. You've been fortunate not to have to deal with it in over 30 years but since my divorce 12 years ago and with the passing of Gary I feel like I'm getting to be a pro at weeding these out..I Hope!!! What I've always ready CindySue is just to do things YOU like to do and you'll meet someone. I don't think anyone's going to compare to your Roger or my Gary...they'll just be different. I think it's healthy to date different guys while going through the process..don't get discouraged is the first few are lemons!

Your daughter Angela sounds very nice...it's great that the two of you have sons the same age...is it possible for you to go see her for a few days to get a break and out of the house??? I think that would be the toughest part of having a young child now without a husband or significant other and without working. Or if you can get Bryon involved in a play group or something so you can have time to discover YOU and what YOU like!!! It's probably been a long time since you've thought about just you

I DEFINITELY will miss my daughter and Peanut but it's a good thing. She needs her own place and my teenage son Tony is with me 1/2 the week from Wednesday through Saturday at dinner. He's a character...very charismatic..he was fortunate to get the positives from my exhusband and Gary. Gary was very influential in his formative years and Tony is such a joy to be around. When I got the news about Gary he was over his dads and rushed home..sat with me on the loveseat all night with his arm around me...he's always been a very sensitive son and I think you'll find the same with Bryon. He's already showering you with lots of hugs and attention!!!

Believe it or not...I've actually had a pretty decent couple of days. Of course I miss Gary terribly but I had lunch with my sister today and my mind has been side tracked with this new job. I'll take a good couple days whenever I can get them and I wish the same for you CindySue.

Love and HUGS!!!! CindiSue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) Your right I am very depressed and feel like I am fading at being a good parent to Byron...to be honest with you I was ready to take alot of sleepin pills and then call my daughter so she could get Byron...so when I leave this earth he will be at least with Tina.. I cry all the time..I want to be happy but I am kdding myself..I am not..I love all my kids so much..and Byron hugs and kisses me everyday but loook how old I am and have a 2 year old by the time he is 18 I will be in my 60's I will be so old..I ended up takin 2 sleepin pills from the doctor instead of one and I was sick today all day..then I started think oh my gosh what is wrong with me I can't leave Byron he lost his daddy he can't lose me too...I need to get that through my head..my heart hurts so bad though and think of all the things Roger is missing with his son...but I need to feel better I think maybe seeing Angela would do me good I miss her so much as her kids...my heart aches for her..she is a sweet girl she looks just like me...so much that people think we were sisters ..she really is a sweet girl both my daughters are...and Byron is such a sweetei always wanting kisses every min it seems...your son sounds so loving and sweet and he cares about his mom your a good mom and he wants to be thier for you..it has'nt been long for you...and I know how hard it is for you...maybe I will cheer up soon...I hope I do anyways ...thankyou for always being here for me and remember I will always love u You are my special sweet friend...sorry for me the way I am.. Cindysue

Hugs and Love From Me and Byron

[withani]

CindySue...don't be sorry for the way you are...you are a WONDERFUL WONDERFUL person!!! You're not too old to have a two year old..there are many mothers our age with young ones. I think I mentioned to you that Gary's exwife has 4 year old twins from her husband after Gary (she's been married 5 times) and she is 51..so try not to let that get you down. You know so much more in your 40's about babies than you do in your 20's.

I can understand taking the sleeping pills CindySue...I really do..it's something that those of us left behind have to struggle with everyday whether or not to end it so we may end our pain. Your RIGHT BRYON NEEDS YOU!!!! Your daughters NEED YOU!!!! My children have been what have keep me on the up and up as well as my feet on the ground as best as I can during this process. Not to mention talking to YOU...I need YOU as well. As you know...people who have not suffered a loss cannot comprehend all the emotions we feel.

Hang in their my friend...take some time for yourself discovering NEW things you like to do. I know you may not like this idea but maybe Bryon could go to a preschool one day a week just to give you some much needed time.

BELIEVE...I'm POSITIVE it's going to get better CindySue.

LOVE AND HUGS ALWAYS...CindiSue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) Your right I don't know what I am thinkin I just am havin a hard time dealin with this loss..I have a great reminder of my love from Roger 3 wonderful kids that I love so much and I know baby Byron needs me now more then ever I do have him enrolled in a preschool for 1 day at week they take 2 year olds..but I am gonna be with him ..cause they let the parenst stay to be with thier young child and I wanna be with him..he is so little the teacher said he is gonna be the smallest child thier..he is just small for his age..but he is catchin up I was told over 60 percent kids his age are bigger then him...but he is my little sweetie..he's been kissin me more and more lately I think he sinces me being sad he climbs on my lap and takes my face and kisses me in the mouth and go's mama..then he points to Roger's pic on the wall and go's dada...and I go yeah baby..he is so sweet...but I know he knows I am sad and I don't want him to feel sad..he deserves a happy mommy...thankyou Cindisue you are so kind to me and have such a sweet friend to me and I don't know what I would do without talkin to you..You have helped me through such rough times..when I know your havin a rough time also being without Gary..wish I could be stronger...Bless you Cindisue for being my friend...you are an awesome beautiful person inside and out...and give that sweet little peanut a kiss for me...take care my friend...Cindysue

Hugs and Love From Me and Byron

[withani]

CindySue...I read something today that I've heard before but it still helps to see it again. If God brings You to It...He'll Bring You Through It. It's times like these that we have remember little quotes like that. I'm glad Bryon will be going to preschool even though you'll need to stay...it will help I'm sure!!! Just something to be out of the house and thinking about other things is not going to hurt US!!! I know it's difficult to take care of two year old alone...my little Peanut (who actually is a BIG BOY..his daddy's 6'4" and Peanuts got his long legs) gets into EVERYTHING!!! This morning he grabbed my guitar stand and started singing in it like it was a microphone. He's such a goof!!! Trying to appreciate these little things is starting to help...by the way...my kids were always the smallest in the class too!

I still find much comfort in wearing Gary's shirts...he always loved it when I did...he'd would think I was nuts for taking a job that going to pay me less than half of what I was currently making but I am looking forward to it since it's a Rehabilitation Center and will be sending me in a new direction. I keep reading how we are changed by our losses and I believe that. None of us want them to happen...but it's out of control..we've gotta believe there's A PLAN. NO ONE will ever replace our beloved Roger and Gary...they are still with us..just not physically and eventually we'll all be together when our time comes. I can see us now all sitting around eating Kentucky Fried Chicken..on Roger's Boat..with Gary playing Guitar. They'll smile those big smiles of theirs and say they're glad they brought us together!!! I am greatful for YOU as a friend CindySue...it HELPS me to be of some comfort to YOU!!!

Love and Hugs...CindiSue

[annecal]

Hello,

My name is Annie and on August 8 my husband died after being hit by an 87 year old woman. He was supposed to be fine, just lots of broken bones, but he didn't make it. I am 28, and he was 32. We just celebrated our first wedding anniversary.

I've read and heard that sometimes people think about the bad times, but there were no bad times with us. It was love at first sight, and in almost 4 years together we never had a serious disagreement. He was the love of my life, and made me happier than I have ever been.

I still cannot belive this has happened to him, to me, to us.

I don't know anyone else who has suffered a loss like this, so young and unexpected.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Annecal, I'm sorry for your loss, so sudden and tragic. It's so sweet to hear you enjoyed such a beautiful marriage. Grief isn't just thinking of bad times and sad feelings, it can also be a celebration of his life. There are a myriad of emotions that come with grief, loneliness, sorrow, anger, numbness. You may have times of dealing with them, or you may be blessed with not experiencing too many of them. We all grieve differently. Do you have family or friends who are supportive? I haven't yet lost my wife yet, but she's been holding on and fighting dystrophy for several years, now terminal. We also knew our love was present on the day we met, and we married eight months after our first date, almost twenty years ago. My thoughts and prayers are with you for peace and comfort through the sorrow.

_____

Cindi, my best wishes to you on the new job. I hope you find it rewarding and a happy time. I replied to you elsewhere. Thanks, Mark

[annecal]

Thank you very much, I have a wonderful family, and I'm close to his family, though they live in the UK. They were unfortunately not able to get here to see him before he passed. Once he was declared brain dead, I consented to have his organs donated, which was something we both felt strongly about. His family were here for a week, and then returned to the UK a couple of days after the memorial.

It's been mostly numbness and a horrible tearing pain, in waves. For the first couple of weeks I was sad for him, sad that this happened to him, that he'd never see the next season of 24, or read the last Harry Potter book... of course I want to believe that where he is now he'll be perfectly aware of these things...

The hardest thing was that he was supposed to be fine... but was medicated and sedated after the accident, so we never were able to talk...he was my best friend and now I can't believe this happened to us, and to me. It's unbearable.

I'm so sorry about your wife, and this may seem like little consolation, but I'm glad you've had 20 years together. With us it was far, far to short. I wish we'd had children, had more time to travel together...

I'll be thinking of you and of your wife.

Annie

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) thankyou so much my heart breaks so much for Roger and him missin Byron growin up Byron being only 2 and when he had his b-day I had alot of people over but the only thing missing was Roger...I wish he could have seen how happy his baby was..maybe he did...does'nt feel like he's been gone a year now...just does'nt seem real yet..our daughters are so quiet but lately Byron keeps lookin at his daddy's pics more and more and going dada..and laughs..he maybe only 2 but he remembers he acts like he remembers him..he smiles so bright when I show him pics..makes my heart ach so bad..today all day he was acting strange and cryin and cryin and banging his head and kept going dada dada and I don't understand why..its like he is gettin flashbacks of seein his daddy dieing but is it possible he was only 15 monthes old..wish I knew he is actin so strange sometimes freaks me out...I just hope he is ok..he's been real restless and so tired I pray his heart is'nt actin up maybe he needs to see his heart doctor sooner..gosh he does'nt deserve this he is just a baby...I am sorry I am so down tonight...I am scared of losing my baby like I did my sweet husband..I was thinkin of what you said I can just amagine Roger and Gary in that boat...knowin Roger he would have loved to take anyone on the boat he enjoyed other people going with us alot...and of corse eatin KFC.. thanku Cindisue..you are an angel...Cindysue

Love From Me And Baby Byron..

[withani]

Hi CindySue...you've been having some long days girlfriend and I can feel your pain in the letters you write. It's difficult being home all day with baby Bryon I'm sure...at 15 months I don't know what he would remember and not..may be worth investigating with a child psychologist??? Maybe he's sensing how sad you are and it reminds him of the experience and where's dada?? I don't know I'm just guessing here. I just got back from getting my hair highlighted and my hairdresser is the same as Gary's landlord..he called me a couple minutes after I left and we talked in a parking lot...it's difficult to see him...I try to avoid certain things and experience new things. CindySue I hope you can get some time to yourself...or even with you and Bryon to go visit your daughter. A change of scenery may help with your spirit. I know when I'm in the house a couple days at a time without leaving I'm more down than ever. I'm probably going to sell this house after my son graduates this year...too may memories...good memories..but just too many that it overwhelms me some days.

Monday..I have orientation for my new part time job and I'm looking forward to it. They claim death transforms you and I believe this...none of us will ever be the same. We have many lessons yet to learn CindySue and hopefully some will be very positive...don't worry. I believe in my heart Bryon will be fine as well..he will have a tough time picking a girlfriend when he gets older because he'll be comparing them all to mom

Give Bryon a kiss and LOVE AND HUGS from CindiSue..and my sidekick Peanut

P.S. - I don't know if I mentioned it but yesterday morning Peanut heard my voice upstairs..came up and had one of my guitars..I took it from him and he grabbed the stand like it was a microphone and tryed to sing..it was funny!!!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, hi. I'm Mark. I read about the things you're going through with Byron, and I discussed it with my wife, who teaches preschool children. I have a degree in Social Work, but I don't practice counseling. If the things you are writing about are very recent events, we wonder if he may be missing the play time with Daddy. Perhaps, you could consider making an area in your home, like a corner of a room, that's Byron's Daddy area. Enlarge a few photos of Daddy and tape them to the walls, put a pillow or two on the floor, and add a few of his favorite toys. Maybe he'll think he's playing with Daddy again, and it will settle his heart. See if that helps you. If you try it and it works, please let me know. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. Mark

__________

Withani, Cindi, I'll bet your hair looks fantastic. Sometimes, a home is the place of greatest sorrow and depression after a death. The idea of selling and moving, even across town, can be positive for you. Peanut singing must have been a real hit! My grandson hasn't yet found my mikes, but I'm sure it's going to be a riot. May you have all you need. Mark

[cindysue]

Hi Mark, Thankyou so much for your advice right now I will take any advice I can get..Roger my husband has been gone a whole year now...but I do think Byron can remember hin as he always took him everywhere in his stroller puttin him on his shoulders was so happy to have a baby in the house again as both our daughters are grown so havin Byron was a miracle and a blessing..today he did the same thing but he is pointing constantly to his daddy's pics and sayin dada and I get them down for him it was blown to a 8 by 10 just for him and he loves looking at it..but I never tried what you suggested..I just hope I can cope so far I am not doing the best...I wanna make him happy as can be but now he is afraid of everyone when he was'nt before and he is attaching himself to me..he is going to start preschool where they will take 2 year olds one day a week for an hour in a half..maybe it would be good for him to be with other kids..but he is even scred of his sisters now..when they come to see us... so any advice you give me is greatly appraciated..Thankyou so much..Cindysue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) I don't know what to do anymore baby Byron is acting so strange he's attaching himself to me constantly and cryin when we go to places..I can not even take him to any place without him screamming and trying to bang his head..going dada all the time..and he just started this like 5 days ago..makes me so frustrated cause he gets so bad he gets sick and can't breathe and his lips will turn blue..I called his heat doctor and he told me to calm him down as best I can and he wants to see him next week for a checkup..he normally has 3 month checkups with his heart doctor..I am a nervous wreak..I am on nerves pills wonderin if I can help him he means so much to me..he has'nt been sleepin well he stands in his crib and keeps screamming for dada and its wierd cause Roger's been gone a year now..so I don't know why the sudden change and why he is clingling to me more and more he won't even let none of his sisters even hold him when my daughters come..he hides his face and seems to be scred..that I will leave him..which I will never do...It sounds so cute what peanut did did you take a pic of that..he is such a cutie..everytime Byron does some cute thing my darn cam is'nt near by...but anyways I need to calm myself down so I can be a good mommy to him I wanna help him so bad..thanks Cindisue you are such a sweet friend...Cindysue

Hugs and Love From Me And Baby Byron

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, I hope you're having a good day today. I hope I can say this right, without upsetting you. If I do, it's unintended, and I'm sorry. You mentioned a date or something, and I'm wondering if Byron began acting like this about the time you ended that situation? If so, he's grieving the loss of his da-da through that situation. He may act angry, afraid, clingy, and even like he's emotionally younger than his age, if this is the case. In this situation, he will need more nurturing and security from you. This will explain why he's acting out against his sisters. He may be seeing them as a threat to his security, and maybe that they will take you from him, or him from you. Two year olds can think like this when stressed or grieving. I'm thankful for my wife, who is in early child development, and studied so much of this. I would give anything for her to not have terminal dystrophy, but here I am, becoming widowed. I'm too (____) young for this. I hope these things are helpful, and not upsetting to you. Take care of yourself, and give yourself a treat. You deserve it. Mark

[cindysue]

Mark, Hi..no I did'nt think you said anything to upset me..I don't know how to help him when I am still grieving ..Byron has been acting worse since his daddy has been gone and so scared and shy around others and I am gettin where I can't take him into any resturants without him screamming so I just end up takin the food home..I show him alot of attention as much as I can I did'nt think at his age he would be grieving he barely talks says one word at a time and when he wants somethin he pullls at my shirt and points..I did go out on a date with a guy about 4 weeks ago I went out with him around 4 times but Byron acted this way before I went with this guy but even worse when I did go out with him cause sometimes one of my daughters would watch Byron after he was so upset the last time I quit going with this guy cause this guy could not handle me payin attention to my baby more then him at the time..right now I think I am gonna lay off dating anyone when I am still grieving and I think Byron is grieving also...he is'nt sleepin good at night at all..he wakes up alot and gets really scared..I just never thought he could grieve and remember so much at being only 2 years old..but your right he was tested and was tested as being a year and 4 monthes old when he is 27 monthes old so he is going to this preschool to try to help him to talk and do things like he normally would..he has been through so much we found out about his heart condition when he was 13 monthes old he is due for surgery soon on his heart.. and I am a nervous wreak worrying and praying I don't wanna lose him too..like I lost my dear sweet Roger he was only 46 and died of a massive heart attack..the pain of seeing him die and my Byron watchin this also is a big problem I can just remember Byrons screamming and cryin when Roger was dead in our boat Byron reaching out for him and me pulling him back and at that time he was only 15 in a half monthes old but I really think he still remembers..Thankyou Mark for the advice if thiers anything else you can tell me please do I feel lost.. Cindysue

[withani]

Hi CindySue AND Mark!!! My cable has been down for the last two days so I was unable to get online...the transformer blew and I just online and see my two favorite Beyond Indigo friends are communicating! How cool is that!!!!

CindySue...looks like Mark has the background and great information with child development for you which I am very glad to read. Two year old in itself as you know is a very difficult age and with the added stress of grieving I can imagine it feels like you're coming apart. Hang in there my friend...it can only go UP from here and I hope you can get a few minutes in for YOU!!! Keep me posted on what Bryon's doctor says and how preschool went. Is Bryan's first day tommorrow??? This weekend has been hectic with the cable being out and Peanut moved out yesterday...my daughter and son in law got an apartment...it's going to be very strange but I guess it's the universe's way of letting me know time doesn't stand still...new job starts tommorrow...I'm optimistic about these changes and hope that I can be of ANY help to you my friend...LOVE AND HUGS...CindiSue

Mark....yes my hair DOES look fantastic if I do say so myself..lol..thanks! I do believe that home can be the greatest place of sorrow and depression after death. I've lived here for 12 years..my son was in kindergarten when I bought the house and is now a senior in high school..my goal is once he's graduated to move..then I'll feel like I've lived here long enough to accomplish what I had wanted. Started my new job and my daughter moving out over the weekend are other changes which I feel will help with my grieving process...I will miss my everyday Peanut and you're right..he WAS A RIOT! Hope you're having a peaceful weekend...CindiSue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) hey my sweet friend, I miss you..I am sorry to hear about your peanut..I'll bet its very lonely without him but its nice to be alone too I am sure. Byron start preschool Wenesday..so I hope he likes it I know he will be scared and shy cause he is when people talk to him..he is'nt what you call scared just hides his face when someone says somethin..its been a rough couple of days..but I am gonna do what I can for Byron to get through this hard time..and for myself too..the weekends are the hardest for me..cause me and Roger went all the time somewhere and now I feel so lonely I been asked out alot but said no to them cause first I wanna make sure Byron is ok with his heart I am gonna concentrate more on him right now...he needs me more..today so far he is actin pretty good..he keeps wanting me to hold him though so I do..I'll get through this it may take me time but I am tryin..I am scared for his appointment with his heart doctor they will do the usual test an echogram and a EKG and his blood pressure the echogram takes the longest it takes about an hour its like a ultrasound they rub gel on his chest and he has to lay thier for at least an hour and thats hard for a 2 year old too do..he's been going through this since he was 13 monthes old every 3 monthes...so they can see if thiers been a change...well I guess I will know soon when they will do the surgery on him..another stressful time for me...but thanks my friend for caring and being here for me..I will let you know what I find out...Cindysue

Love And Hugggs From Me And Byron

[withani]

CindySue...Wow...having a two year old lay still for an hour IS a LONG TIME!!! Sorry you have this additional stress in your life. I know what you mean about weekends...Gary and I always looked forward to Saturday to go dancing and Sunday for flea marketing...I read in one of the books I have that when you lose your partner you stop looking forward to the WeekEnd and start looking forward to Mondays and I Believe That!!! I try to keep myself busy and go out with friends and so on but as you know...it's NOT the same. The guy I went on the canoe trip with and to the Steve Miller Concert got really mad at me and sent me a nasty email because I told him I wasn't interested in a relationship...TOO MUCH PRESSURE FROM THESE GUYS!!! Don't blame you for wanted to focus on Bryon

I stopped to visit a girlfriend of mine today and her new husband was really down in the dumps...he lost one of his good friends this week from a bee sting..I told her about the Beyond Indigo site for losing friends..so sad..I guess just another reinforcement to live each day to it's fullest.

Take care my friend...Love and Hugs...CindiSue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) yeah an hour is a long time and he never wants to hold still he cries and wiggles around and I have to hold him down and sometimes they can't get a good reading if he cries to hard..but its wierd seeing his little heart beat on the moniter I don't even know what looks normal and everytime they do that I am scared to death that they will tell me bad news..you know what you said you read somewhere that when you lose your loved one that you don't look forward to the weekends and I believe that I can't wait till the weekend is gone..I sit thier and watch TV and feel so lonely and depressed and times like that I think of Roger..then I start cryin and my mom keeps sayin Cindy get over it but how..I was with the man since I was 15 how is that possible to just forget him and what we had..she of all people should know that..I can never forget but I know I need to go on...as for that canoe guy man Cindisue he sounds creepy and scarey..maybe he's a pervert...course I am starting to think most guys are perverts now that write me cause they ususally write perverted things and thats one thing I don't like to hear..they act like they are in heat and need to be hosed down...lol..not that I don't like sex but I don't like talkin about it all the time I think that should'nt be the main thing like most guys think it is..I guess I been burned..of thinkin that now I know I will not give myself to easy with the next guy I date...gonna be more careful..to many wierd stalking guys out thier..I hope this guy will leave you alone..I am worried about you I just don't want him to bother you ..You sure don't need that you have had enough things to worry about..besides Gary will watch over you..and keep you safe.. well my friend have a great day and work and know I am always here for you...

Love And Hugs From Me And Baby Byron

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, I am sorry you have not only suffered this loss, but also the emotional upset from those who need lessons in being a gentleman. You are showing such wisdom and strength. Good for you. I hope you don't mind a grandfather giggling a little when I read about Byron wiggling around so much. He sounds like a happy, healthy two year old in that way. Keep the patience, be nurturing, and continue to raise him like you were anyway.

Cindi (withani), I never gave a thought to weekends. What you said made me think of how much Mary and I did all the time, concerts, plays, hockey games, even operas. We may not get to enjoy these things together anymore, but our love is still strong. I cry to think she won't be with me much longer(even now I'm crying). She has often told me insistently to leave her and marry another, so our children and I are spared sharing of her painful death. I can't even think of someone else, when I'm so in love with the woman of my dreams.

Ladies, I thank you both for such insight that I can't conjure on my own. Us men think a certain way, and we need the wisdom of a lady to help us through the many issues of life. Goodnight, and I pray you both have the best of days Monday. Mark

[withani]

Hey there CindySue! Hi Mark!

CindySue....Whew my first day back from orientation..I think I told you I took this job that pays nothing but was going to supplement it with unemployment....well just found out I don't have any more unemployment (after only 3 1/2 mos)...definitely sucks and I don't make enough on the New Job so I gotta look for another job...now! You're right..canoe guy is creepy...I'm just GLAD he doesn't know where I LIVE!!!! Gary always considered himself my protector and I believe he's still in that role I can understand how you must feel...especially with the added having been with Roger since you were 15!!! I don't know how you can move on from that...only time my friend. LOVE & HUGS CindiSue

Mark...I know what you mean by love still strong even though you and Mary aren't able to do things together like you used to...Gary and I spent every Saturday out and the last year..wow..I spent a lot of time watching him sleep and throw up...but we did get a handful of Saturday nights in...even the night before he passed..that's what made it feel sudden. It's going to take you lots of time as well...there's no way to avoid the pain that's coming your way for you and the children..unfortunately...God bless you...Cindi(Withani)

[cindysue]

Hi Cindisue and Mark,

Cindisue, I am glad you got rid of that canoeguy..he sounds so creepy makes my skin even crawl....I love Byron so much and worry about him alot...today he was jabberin away in his crib and I have ni idea what he was sayin but when I walked in thier I thought oh byron that with devil took his diaper off and was grinning at me and pointed to his diaper on the floor and go's bad..lol..I laughed and go oh no Byron so I started to lift him out of the crib and the little stinker pissed on me and go's ah ohhh ge started gigling and I go's I do do mama...he is so cute..good thing I did'nt get it in my face..I go sweetie you posed to go in your potty chair and then he runs to it and sits down and I go too late now...lol...so I hurried up and put a diaper on him so he don't do that again..my day went better today...still depressed and think about Roger alot but I know as much as I wish he was here to see Byron grow up like he did our girls it won't happen so I am tryin to give him extra attention ..and I fured if a guy can't except my baby then I don't want him either...Good luck my sweet friend in your job...

Hugggs And Love From Me ANd Baby Byron

Mark, I am soooo sorry your wife is so sick..makes me feel so bad that you only have a short time left with her...and you know her time is limited I guess I am lucky in one way when Roger died it was fast and I did'nt know it was gonna happen but knowin I think would be so much more stresful..you will always be in my thought you and Mary and I will pray for you both..to get through this..you will always have a special place for her in your heart that will never go away people say in time its gets easier to bare but I don't know its been a year for me and feels like yesterday..I try dating but my mind was a;ways on Roger and what we shared..but havin Byron helps alot he looks like his daddy so its a big reminder...and makes me even feel closer..Bless you Mark I will pray for you...Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindi, I am speechless about you needing a second job. Just take care of yourself, and don't let it annoy you too much. It's just a job, right? Wise move to not give your address to canoeguy. Protect yourself no matter what.

Cindysue, I love children. That's sooooo cute! Well, not what he did to you, but . . . Thanks, I needed a little giggle. You have the perfect idea. If some guy doesn't accept Byron, more, if he can't love him, drop him like a bad habit. Just keep showering Byron with all the love you can. He'll get through his grief, and in time, start to ease back into the little boy you have known.

Thank you both for the kindness. My daughter died suddenly during a rape, and my wife drags on in this dystrophy's painful hell. Either is painful, but as the one we love lives on in pain, I think what gets the worst is our fatigue. In my grief for her pain and dying, I've prayed that it could be over. I must relent to whatever in its time. It's not in my control. Have a perfect day, today. My thoughts are with you. Thanks. Mark

[withani]

CindySue and Mark,

I'm glad to see you both posted today...my favorites!!!

CindySue...Bryon is such a SWEETHEART...how cute is that being a human pee fountain...lol!!! You're right...you can't go wrong with showering him with extra attention...he's gonna grow up and look after his mom My youngest son Tony who is a senior in high school this year is always saying "mom I hate to see you working so hard all the time and stressed..when I make it big I'm buying you another house and I don't want you to have to work"...he's planning on his band making it big so you may see me sometime on MTV Cribs. I'm happy you have a son!!!!

Mark...I'm not too worried about having a second job if I have to..just survival. I can't imagine having lost your daughter in the way you did...it's amazing to me that you can even muster up a kind word and not be bitter at the world. I'm not familar with dystrophy or it's final stages but I am happy your wife has your support and feels loved during this time in her life...I was fortunate enough to see Gary through the end and I could just kick myself for not spending every waking minute next to him...you're fortunate to have this time with Mary.

CindySue and Mark...I started my new job today at the Rehabilitation Center which is their after school program...I've never been in this field but it certainly is laid back and the people are so nice...it makes you realize how fortunate we all are. The children here are special and everyway and although the pay is certainly not what I'm used to monetarily the rewards are going to be more then I've ever known...Gary worked with disables adults several years before I met him and I feel as if this is my mission to be there ..I'm considering selling my house when my son graduates because I won't be able to afford it on my mission and I'm considering going back to school possibly for a Speech Therapist or Occupational Therapist...nothing but options here.

Would you believe that canoe guy called here tonight...BOY AM I GLAD HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE IT LIVE!!!!!

LOVE AND HUGS from CindiSue(withani)

P.S. - Mark...my actual name is Cindi Sue and the only one that called me that was Gary.

[cindysue]

Hi Cindisue and Mark,

Cindisue tomorrow is Byron's big day at the preschool..Wenesday..I am nervous I hope he behaves and does'nt get too scared course I will be with my little man which helps..knowin me I'll be cheering no matter what he does..all he would have to do is put the toys away in thier and I will be standing up cheering and look like a stupid fool..clapping and cheering..and say BYRON BYRON YRON..and then they would take me out of thier for sure...lol..well I know if Roger was thier he would have ssaid thats my son...and he would be gabbin with everyone he made friends so easy he would talk to strangers even ..and talk for hours..gosh I wish he was with me when I go...I know he is gonna be watchin and being so proud of Byron..well byron did it again..took his diaper off in the crib I went to check on him and he was sound asleep with his little butt up in the air like a newborn..sond asleep and his diaper was on the floor..so I had to gently put another one on him...I give you so much praise Cindisue for workin with the disabled I have a brother that is mentally retarted and he is the sweetest and most kind person...he went to a special school and now he is 44 and works at wendy's and has been for 17 years...he works only 2 to 3 hours a day but he loves it..well will write more tomorrow...

Love And Hugs From Me And Baby Byron..

Mark, gosh I am so sorry to hear of your daughters death..I can't amagine what you have went through..losing her to such an aweful thing..and uyour wife sufferin like she is..be strong I know it is hard but sometimes you have to be the strong one...looks whos talkin I am not very strong myself..but I am tryin its so much harder then what I thought it would be..Yeah Byron is all the time doing somethin like today he tried once again to flush the poor kitty down the toilet when I heard him laughing I thought oh no cause I heard a splashing sound..and he was tryin to flush the poor kitty down the toilet again..this time he thought he will use a plunger luckly I resued the wet kitty..and Byron was soaked..thanks goodness the toilet was flushed but I had to give him a bath anyways...so he keeps me running all day..but I would'nt trade him for nothing...he keeps me young ....Good lUck to you Mark you will be in my prayers...Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, withani, please pardon my stupidity - I feel like a schmuck. I would never think of upsetting you or adding to your sorrow. I hope you're doing well today. You sound happy in your new job. Oh, that canoeguy again. I'm so sorry for that thorn.

I'll keep watching for your son in the studio. I don't remember if I told you my career, but I'm a musician. Happy is the man who make a living from his hobby (some old proverb).

The dystrophy Mary has is wasting her muscle strength like MD (Jerry Lewis telethons), but causing severe pain. Her pain is so bad, we can't hug like we used to. We've had to rethink things, including our cuddling time. One thing you said is so true, I'm fortunate to have her. In 1985, I decided I had to love her on the night we met. Within two weeks, we started dating, and two weeks later, we were engaged. At the end of the semester in college, we married, and have been so happy.

Thank you for the kindness about me through this time of pain. Without Mary, and a few good friends, I'd be weaving baskets and scribbling in coloring books in the funny farm. I also get a lot of strength from my 17 year old, who is in college. I'm so old! lol. I'm only 44. My daughter would turn 31 in October if she were alive.

Take care of yourself. Spoil yourself just a little, please. A bubblebath, manicure, even a perfect cup of coffee, will help lift your spirits. My heartfelt best for your peace.

Mark

[withani]

Mark...I didn't know you where a musician...my son plays bass guitar..I play acoustic...he's VERY good...I've got a lot of heart for it. I believe the old proverb of Happy is the man (or woman) who makes a living from their hobby...

What a beautiful history you and Mary have together...I'm so sad for the two of you that you're unable to cuddle and hold onto each other at this time in your lives. The two of you are so fortunate...love like that is rare..since Gary's passing I have to question myself if I appreciated how MUCH he loved me. He knew I loved him and that I would always be with him and he with I...it just became increasingly difficult with his alcohol problem and then being bipolar on top of that...yes we could hug and cuddle but the mentally he was out of it for several months before passing and after passing you have a lot of could of's...should of's..wished I'd's....I'm happy you're making the most of these days Mark...it is SO IMPORTANT. Even when you don't have the time...to make the time. I had wished I'd made more time...that's probably why I felt myself in the weaving basket modes on many days. The week Gary passed was so hectic with my son in law being home from the service for the holidays..and he and his wife and peanut living with me along with my 17 year old son..people in and out...HOW I WISH I could rewind back to that time and took more time with Gary the past couple days instead of letting my work and family take up the time.

Thank you for your well wishings and peace....they are important in this healing process...take care and god bless you and Mary...CindiSue (Withani)

[withani]

CindySue...Woohoo..first day of school for Bryon..it's funny how all our lives keep changing whether we want them to or not. This is a BIG step for you and Bryon...I wish I could take a picture of the two of you on your first day of school... Roger is with YOU and is soooooo proud

I like reading your potty training with Bryon stories...Peanut's going through potty training now too. His daddy left for Korea yesterday and won't be back until March. They moved out over the weekend but I have a feeling my daughter and Peanut will be spending more time here than at their apartment...which is fine with me

With my new job although the pay is not good the rewards I believe will outweigh the money. I didn't mention to you either that my oldest son who is 26 now was in Learning Disabled classes all through school so I've always had a special interest in this field and to be honest...the love that pours out of these children is just awesome.

Hope you're having a Great Day...love and hugs from CindiSue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue..Byron and me made it through the day he llooked so cute on his first day..but he was so scared..he was playin real good till the teacher told him he had to help put thing away and that did'nt go to good with him..he through a fit and screamed they are teachin him sign language too cause of his hearin in one ear.he had fun with the other little kids thier..the other kids were so cute too.they tryed havin byron go down a little slide thier in the room made for the indoors a little slide but he was scared to death to go down..and started shaking and I felt so bad I can not understand why it makes him so scared..I did'nt know your son was in a disabled classes so Its helpful that you love helpin these people I think its great..I don't know much about the diabled classes none of my girls were in it but I know some kids that have ..I don't know if Byron will be going to somethin like that when he gets older or not but the preschool he is in is like that to help him cause he has alot of delays mostly in his speech and cordination and stuff like that. I felt Rogers presence the whole time I was in thier with Byron..I felt his hand on my shoulder and I felt him sitting right beside me and when I looked I thought I seen him..then it like disappeared..I know it was Roger he was smiling then he just disappeared and I was like shaking..I got so nervous..but I felt so much happiness after that like wow Roger is watchin his baby..itd funny the teacher thought I was like 30 and I told her no I am 47 and she was shocked she said I did'nt look that old..and I thought wow I love this lady...lol..what a great teacher..but least I don't look 60 and havin a little one then people would think I waas the grandma..but everyday I think God I have Byron at my age..to me he will always be my miracle baby..that Roger gave me before he passed away..well Cindisue I gotta check on Byron he is posed to be sleepin but I can hear him jabberin away in his crib..I sure hope he has his diaper still on..lol..talk to you later my sweet friend...

Love And Hugs From Me And My Baby Byron The School boy..lol..

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, doesn't it feel good when someone says that, making us feel so young? I get a good laugh about being confused for being my grandson's dad. No, I'm his grandfather. I think it's sweet of Roger to be with you for Byron's big day. I hope you have a perfect day, with no more little "showers of blessing" from Byron. Mark

[withani]

CindySue...YOU MADE IT GIRLFRIEND!!! Bryon's first day of preschool...what a milestone..he will enjoy I'm sure as he get's used to it. It doesn't surprise me that he teacher thought you were 30...you LOOK 30! I'm sure Roger was there and happy to see you and Bryon take this step together...it is strange how you see them in a flash sometimes..when I see Gary usually it's in the mirror behind me because that's where he always stood after we got ready to go out...

I have many life stories including my son with the learning disabilities..I used to take him to speech..occupational therapy...vision therapy..he's 26 now and has been living independently for the last 4 years..has an apartment a car..unfortunately he doesn't speak to me because when his date remarried (a week after our divorce) he and his new wife turned him against me because I was the one that left and filed for divorce. When I would call him he's cuss me out so I told him a over a year ago that if he couldn't talk to me with respect then I won't call him and he should have a nice life...anyway I really love this new job...I'm going to work as many hours as I can because I need them right now more than they need me. The love you feel just being in the room and interacting with the kids just penetrates the center of your soul.

Hope you have a peaceful day...LOVE AND HUGS...CindiSue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

withani, CindiSue, all that with your son must really hurt, girl. I'm sorry some people in our world are so cruel. I'm not going into the stories about all I can say of it. Anyway, here's a hug for ya. You two get to see your guys? How absolutely awesome! I get hugs, but no visuals yet. I am sssssoooooo happy to hear your new job is going this well for you.

If you all would keep a thought and a prayer for my almost "daughter", Tina, she's seeing her doctor today, and I think she's supposed to be scheduled for surgery to diagnose endometriosis. Tina is the girl who I believed to be my daughter up until July, when I found the birth certificate for Jennifer.

It's cool that you play the guitar! I play guitar, bass guitar, and a little bit of mandolin. The bass is what makes me happy, though. I love that instrument. I do a bit of recording, which keeps me out of trouble.

Have a great day, everyone. love and hugs for all. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Can my life get any worse? My 12 year old was shot this evening in our front yard by a 5 year old with a pellet pistol! The little _____ shot my son in his foot! This kid's useless "mother" lets him play all kinds of violent X-Box games, so it's like a real wonder the little _____ did this. My son is doing alright, but I'm going to have some intense legal problems for that little kid's "mother." If he does this at 5, picture what he'll do at 15, 25. Oh, I forgot to tell you, his "mother" is so loving, she still has him in diapers! Would you like me to describe the rest of her children? CindiSue, CindySue, if either of you see anything wrong here, or if you think I'm out of line for being upset, please feel free to speak your minds.

Have a good night. I need to tend to my wounded son.

[cindysue]

Mark, Oh My Gosh I am sooooo sorry to hear about your son what is wrong with his mother for letting such a small child with a pellent gun.???.and diapers at 5 years old NOW that is a problem..thiers somethin wrong witht that mother..I hope your son is ok..Wow she has other children too? please tell..I feel so bad for you ..You are havin such a rough time...your not out of line one bit for being mad, upset I would feel the same way...your son pronbably is hurting pretty bad I heard it can be painful...please let me know how he is doing and I would do the same thing you are doing...something needs to be done with that mother for allowing her little boy to be playing with guns..I am praying for you..hang in thier Mark...Cindysue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) How you doing girl? me I am doing as good as I can I guess..babysat for my daughter's little girl she is 18 monthes old and not much smaller then Byron..it was so cute they seen each other and went to each other and kissed each other right in the mouth..I wish I had my cam to capture that..they was playin and pretty soon they was talkin to each other baby talk and I have no idea what they was sayin but I was watchin them and then they both started laughin while they was talkin..and I thought ok they must have said something funny to each other it was so cute watchin them...they were probably talking about me...and laughing cause I could'nt understand thier baby talk thier little code.. how is your job going? I'll bet your kept busy..Oh shoot I am writing and did'nt even see your message yet..I guess I will read it when I am done posting this...I guess I am tired today..your not gonna believ this but I was watching TV and I saw Roger again am I losing it? I saw him standing right in my hallway smiling at me and he winked and then he was gone..this time I was not nervous I felt like he is watchin over me and baby byron sure gave me peace..wellI will go now gotta check on Byron he just fell asleep least I think he did he's awefully quiet...have a good day. and night,,,Cindysue

Love From Me And Baby Byron

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, you are not losing it. Just relax, and don't try to find Roger, but let him come to you. I only say that from being trained in theological seminary. Don't try to raise his spirit, to disturb him, but let him come to you peacefully, willingly. Isn't love a beautiful thing? He loves you so much, girl! I think he's still flirting with you . Jenni hugs me quite frequently, and on a trip home one night, when I was real tired driving alone after a concert, I am sure I felt her tickle me. She just wanted to keep me awake.

So, you like my neighbors? I wouldn't dare tell you all of their antics. It would make a great Mom like you cry. If you'd like, I could email some of it, but I'd rather not put it in public. This is all going to court, and I don't need more screaming and yelling. Oh, you'd be shocked at the crap I can tell you, and it's all true.

Now, I'll bet Byron playing Romeo looked sooooooo adorable. Get one of those disposable $5 cameras, and stuff it in your purse. You'll always have one for "those" moments. Maybe they aren't the best for clarity, but they're good for the "I gotta have that picture."

[withani]

Mark....You are DEFINITELY NOT OUT OF LINE for being upset with the Mother of the 5 year old!!!!!!!! How's your son????? I bet he's a chip of the ole' block...probably caring and sensitive and a little angry 5 year old shoots him...what the heck?????? I don't get how this could happen...what lives inside that troubled 5 year old......so sad.

Yes it is sad that I can't have a relationship with my 26 year old son. He hated Gary even though Gary was never unkind to him...I am still hopeful that someday we can have a relationship again. When my son first moved into his apartment I brought sheets..blankets..decorations etc for him and he made me dinner and I was hopeful then but he directs all his anger at me. I have been understanding of it for many many years but something I left out was he molested my daughter (his sister) as a young teen...I honestly don't think he knew any better...I found this out when my daughter was in therapy after drinking rubbing alcohol. Whew! He believe I took her side when I'm just stuck in the middle.

New job is going great...at this point in my life I need these children more than they need me. I was hired on as 20 hours a week and I asked the Director if I could sub to get an additional 20 more...she pulled me aside yesterday and told me she really likes me and is going to make sure I get the 40 hours..wants me to be with the infants and small children but since I was hired by the supervisor for the After School Program she has to go through the system but in the meantime will get me plenty of hours. We went outside with the kids yesterday and a little boy who has been quiet and biting grabbed my hand tightly and wouldn't leave my side...it was a touching moment.

As far as instruments...I play the twelve string and 6 string (I should say DID play)...I'm having a hard time getting myself to play again since Gary passed. He played for several years and when I started playing four years ago he and I would play a couple nights a week...we have a song book of what we would play and we'd play..sing..laugh. I've tried to play since January but it's just too upsetting to me right now. One year for Christmas Gary gave me a beautiful mandolin and I was going to learn how to play but unfortunately one time while I was on a break from him he sold it on EBay. The visions and hugs I have from Gary are very comforting....I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!! The holiday weekends really get to me without him as well.

I will pray for your daughter Tina...I had a friend with endometriosis and she was eventually able to have children. I'm a little confused about the birth certificate that says Jennifer...is Jennifer Tina???

I gotta get running for work soon...good luck with THE NEIGHBOR....LOVE AND HUGS CindiSue

[withani]

CindySue....that is SOOOOOOO cute how your granddaughter and Bryon played..I hope you have a video camera to catch these upcoming moments. Sounds like having her over is just what the doctor ordered for Bryon...she can help him come out of his shell...boy would I have loved being a fly on the wall to see them playing!!!! Hopefully Bryon and your granddaughter can start getting together often...it's a good thing. I missed Peanut last night...my son said my daughter and he stopped by the house before I got home from work and he was running through the house yelling "nana...nana"...I can't wait to see him this weekend. I've got a 30 year class reunion tonight...I didn't want to go but one of my girlfriends talked me into it..she doesn't want to take her boyfriend and asked me to go with her so looks like I'm going.

New jobs going well...I mentioned in a posting to Mark that the director really likes me and is going to let me sub to get 40 hours in and she said she wants me full time with the infants and toddlers but since I was hired by the manager of School Age...she have to go through protocol. There was a little boy yesterday...I say little but he's 17..that was biting the day before..we were going out and he grabbed by hand and I thought uh oh...but he just wanted me to walk with him...I enjoyed it extremely...felt like we were connecting.

You're NOT LOSING IT!!!! Roger's with you...I like Mark's explaination that he's still flirting with you!!! CindySue you two were so close it only makes sense that you'd be seeing him. I thought I was losing it when I see Gary in the mirror behind me standing with that beautiful smile of his...and I see his face every night when I close my eyes....he's with me and Roger's with YOU...we are fortunate that they're coming through...keep your mind open girlfriend and I'll do the same. I'm glad you weren't nervous when you saw Roger this time

Love and Hugs...CindiSue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

withani, CindiSue, thank you so much for thinking of my son. I am blessed with a real sweet spirited child. The Tina - Jennifer thing is a mess. Tina is a girl I met who we had come to believe was mine, and I am considering adopting her, because she doesn't have her father. Jennifer is mine, and my professional name is on her birth certificate. Tina will be having a baby to clear up the endometriosis. So, I get another grandbaby!!!!! ( by adoption? who cares! mine! )

I'm sorry to hear of the struggles with your son, and I understand them completely. I agree that he may not realize what he did was wrong. My prayers will be with your daughter for the long term effects and healing.

Talk about coincidence? You play the mandolin, too? My 17 year old is also learning to play the bass. He just wanted to be like his Dad. lol.

Take care of yourself. Do something special to pamper yourself tonight. Take a bubble bath, or do your nails, or get some ice cream. Just make CindiSue feel good about herself. I'll talk to you later. hugz and luvz, Mark

[cindysue]

Mark, My gosh I can't believe a mother can be like that and let thier little child play with guns and don't even care..thats a sad thing..yeah I think your right I'll let Roger come to me..everyday I cry missin him more and more missing what we had..and him missin on Byron even though he loved our girls he always wanted a son..now he can't see him grow up and that bothers me..well I can say at least he knew he had a son and enjoyed him for 15 monthes before he passed away..I remember him cryin int he labor room and I never seen him cry before and the girl were teasing him and go dad are you cryin and he go's no I am not and he was hiding his face..I guess he figure he did'nt want anyone to see him cry....but I am glad I could make him so happy..cause he made me so happy..and I felt so loved ...and with Byron lookin like his daddy so much it just reminds him of him more and more its wierd Byron is so small and Roger was so big..he was 6'3 250 pounds and he was big built I guess byron takes after me more on that...but looks wise he looks like his daddy so much...he even carries a toothbrush around which is wierd cause Roger always carried one in his shirt pocket he was an over the road truckdriver and always made sure he had a toothbrush on him..now Byron is doing that and it spooks me out sometimes..but also makes me feel good...well good luck with you son I will pray he gets better let me know what happens if you don't want to tell me over on this site write me at cindy_loveu2002@yahoo.com..talk to you later..Cindysue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) hey girl I am so happy that they all like you at your job...your so easy to like so it don't surprise me any..Byron and my daughter's little one her name is Brianna they was playin again today...they were so cute soon as she seen him she ran to him and was kissing him...he kissed her back..it was cute seein them hug each other..then they started the baby talk again..she was showin him her baby doll and he was lookin at it..and he started kissin it then..then he gave it back to her cause she was screamming cause she wanted it back...she is 18 monthes old and so cute...I miss my youngest daughters boys so much they are 2 years old and 5 monthes old..my daughters 2 year old is 6 weeks younger then mine..but he's like 2 times bigger then byron..but they are really close and they also love playin together but I have'nt seen her babies in 4 monthes and I miss them alot I see my oldest daughters 5 kids all the time but not my youngest daughters kids..with the darn gas prices who can afford to travel..its over 3.00 a gallon here last time I looked it was 3.19 ..hope it don't get any higher..thats just crazy...darn I am lonely for Roger I need to snap out of this before I go crazy..oh guess what that guy I dumped..a month ago called me and had enough nerve to ask me out again he said he was sorry and now he said I will except Byron he go's your so beautiful I can't get you off my mind I told him you stupid pervert I would never give you another chance after you said what you had to say about my baby..he just wants to bed me again..well he's got another thing commin..and I will give it to him alright with my foot in his you know where...lol..I hate guys like him..my baby will always come first no questions asked he will never get another chance he blew it...am I right? I think I am...well girl time for me to check on my sweet baby and go to bed..have a good weekend and a safe one..will write again tomorrow..Cindysue

Love And Hugs From Me And Baby Byron

[withani]

Mark...how is your son??? That is so cool how you're considering adopting Tina so she has a father...you're such a good dad Mark. I was going to learn how to play the mandolin but before I learned and I was on a break from Gary (I would have to take breaks here and there for a couple months because of the alcoholism and bipolar issues) he sold my mandolin on eBay so I never got to learn...oh well. As far as your seventeen year old playing the bass he sound's like a chip off the old block. I love listening to my son play his bass with his friends that play..they've written a couple songs and have been playing for about 5 years. Sometimes they'll come over and play around the dining room table and I just love it!!!!

Hope you have a peaceful weekend and enjoy your beautiful wife's company...love and hugs...CindiSue-Withani

[withani]

CindySue...how adorable that must be to see Brianna and Bryon play together plus you get the added bonus of being the mother and grandmother..how cool. I do like the job very much..we're going to have a bake sale next week for the Hurricane Katrine survivors...I love things like that. Gary had a bag full of Halloween costumes..that was our favorite holiday..we always got dressed up and went out dancing...he was Austin Powers about four years in a row and we'd have so much fun!!! Anyway..I wish I had the childrens costumes we collected to give to the school where I'm working...the kids would really enjoy them but unfortunately his exwife has them. There were two Hershey kisses costumes that my son and his son used to dress up in when they were little and run around the house...I have so many fond memories...Halloween is going to be difficult. I'm glad you're spending time with the grandchildren..sounds like Bryon is getting a lot out of it

I know what you mean about being lonely for Roger...it's ESPECIALLY hard on long weekends like this you miss doing the things together that made holiday weekends so special and you don't want to go out with someone because the could be a creep so you're stuck in the middle. I'm surprised that guy had the nerve to call you...this may sound mean but it can be gratifying blowing a guy like that off..you're doing the right thing by staying away from him!!! You'll find someone you're interested in when you're not looking...so I hear..lol!

Love and Hugs...CindiSue