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  1. The past couple days have been particularly difficult. I was hit with this huge wave of grief and haven't been able to leave my room for three days now. I've been trying to fight it and try to get myself excited about school or about seeing my friends and family, but it lasts for about five minutes before the grief hits again. I know he wouldn't want me to sabotage my life like this, and it makes me feel worse because I feel like I'm letting him down, but I just feel too tired to do anything about it. Looking forward to everything I have mapped out for the next few months and years, at one time I was excited for it, but now I just feel like I'm trying to achieve the impossible. I walked into the kitchen to try and make myself something to eat, but ended up just standing there staring into the fridge before giving up and crawling back into bed. I just want everything to slow down or stop for a while, I'm exhausted
  2. Dear Vstopaz, I'm sorry for your loss, my uncle recently passed away on January 6th of this year from an aggressive form of skin cancer. He was diagnosed in 2010 and fought it for almost 10 years. Even though we had a very long time to prepare and brace ourselves for his death, we were completely blindsided when it finally did happen. Honestly, you can prepare yourself all you can but when it comes to the people we love, there's nothing you can do to really prepare. Everyone experiences things differently, and everyone handles their grief differently. Maybe for your mom it was easier for her to push you away rather than to leave the memories of her being ill in your mind. With my uncle, I was there every day during his last few months. While I'm so grateful for that time with him, it was very difficult to watch someone I love waste away like that. There was a point where I realized that the most prominent version of his face in my mind was him while he was sick in his hospital bed. Without even realizing it, his illness had overridden my mental representation of him. Because he had been sick for so long, sometimes it's difficult to remember him before his illness. Maybe your mom wanted to help you preserve your memories of her smiling and laughing and healthy. I know how helpless you can feel when someone you love is taken away by something you can't help, but I hope I can offer you comfort as someone who has observed the last few moments and can tell you that when my uncle took his last breath, he smiled. Maybe it was because he knew that it meant that there would be no more doctors or medications or treatments, or maybe it was because his pain was finally over. Though I can't tell you exactly what happened with your mom, I hope you can find comfort in the fact that no matter how things went down, she's no longer in pain. I hope this helps you sort things out, -Lia
  3. Hi Nicole, Thank you for your kind words, I hear everything you've said and I know you're absolutely right, but as you've also said, sometimes it's a lot easier said than done. I hope to eventually make my way into counselling, but I don't think I'm quite ready to talk about it face to face without completely breaking down. I hope in a few months maybe I'll be ready, but until then I think I'm content with posting here and reading others' stories about their own experiences with grief. It gives me hope to hear from people like you who are struggling, but at the same time slowly finding their way. Thank you for sharing with me, Lia
  4. Hi Kiera, I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost my uncle to cancer around the same time and I completely understand what you've said about not having time to think while organizing funerals, etc. and I also know how hard it can hit you once things settle down. I'm not going to pretend like I have it all figured out, because I'm struggling just like you, but I just wanted to offer you some encouragement and to remind you that you're not alone in this. This forum is filled with people who understand what you're going through and who are rooting for you to get through this! But also I'm sure there are people in your real life who also are rooting for you, so make sure to hold those people close while you work through your grief. Our society sets us up to believe that we have to always be "okay" and I think that creates such a huge obstacle to the grieving process since when you lose someone you love, the last thing you feel is "okay". Someone told me the other day to not be ashamed of not being "okay". It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, it means you're a human who's experiencing a loss. You don't have to be the "strong one" if you don't feel up to it because we all need support sometimes. It's not a sign of weakness to accept help. Just take this time for yourself to get in touch with your feelings and take care of yourself first. Sending you all the best wishes, Kiera. You WILL get through this.
  5. My uncle passed away on January 6th of this year after a very long battle with metastatic melanoma. He was a second father to me, and he was the one person who supported me in everything I did and who believed in me unconditionally. It has been a series of ups and downs for years since he first got sick, but recently it has gotten really bad for me. After he passed away there was a lot going on. We're Filipino, so there a series of rituals we had to follow: we had a 9 day vigil, then a viewing service, then a funeral mass over the course of two weeks. Then in addition to that, at the end of the month we flew to the Philippines with my uncle's body because he wanted to be buried where he was born. Once we got there we did the 9 day vigil all over again, then another funeral service, and then finally he was laid to rest about a month after he passed away. The entire thing was so drawn out and the entire time I was surrounded by friends and family, so it was very easy to ignore the pain and this allowed me to believe that I was fine. I made it through the funeral and saying goodbye without completely breaking down, so didn't that mean that from then on I was going to be okay? I didn't know that the hard part was just about to begin. I've since returned home to Vancouver, Canada, and since I've been home I've been struggling. First of all, I've had a hard time adjusting because of the time difference and because we're in the dead of winter so I went from 30+ degree C weather to snow. I've also gone from being surrounded by people to being mostly alone; all my friends and family have their own lives and responsibilities and I understand that, but at the same time it feels like everyone is continuing to live around me while I'm stuck drowning. In order to attend the funeral I missed two weeks of university classes, and though my professors were very accommodating and helped me to catch up, right now I'm doing the worst I've ever done in school. I left the Philippines determined to jump back into the semester at 110%, but now I'm struggling to just stay afloat. I wake up every morning feeling tired no matter how much sleep I get, I have no appetite most days, and I can't stop crying. Today I tried to sit down and work on a paper that's due on Friday, but instead I just sat there and cried. Then when I finally stopped crying, I started to cry again because of how frustrated I was at my lack of ability to concentrate. I feel so ashamed that I'm struggling so badly that when people ask me how school is going I lie and tell that I'm doing well. My instinct at times like this is to go hang out with my uncle and talk about it, and it kills me that I'll never be able to do that again. I keep surrounding myself with reminders of him because I'm terrified of forgetting what his face looks like or what his voice sounds like, but every time I look at his face or hear his voice it hurts. I don't know how to pick myself up from this.
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