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60 On The Path

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About Pmarie

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  1. Me, too! The fatigue I feel is almost disabling. I slept 11 hours last night and no matter how much sleep I get, I still wake up exhausted. Grief is indeed a mental strain.
  2. Dear Streaming the Light, My deepest condolence to you and your irreplaceable loss of your mother. I am presently also suffering the loss of a long term relationship with my boyfriend who very recently died, too. I don’t know how life expects me to endure all this. I had broken up with him right after my mom died, as I just felt I was too unstable and could not handle hardly anything. When he came back into my life again, unexpectedly, I was still suffering greatly over the loss of my mother, but felt very grateful he had returned. I missed him so much. His return was a huge blessing to me and he helped soothe some of the massive grief of losing my beloved mom. I felt a bit of light in my dark life once again, but now he is also gone. I feel like this has double hit has given me severe and chronic depression. It makes me realize how alone we all really are in life. I have a hard time getting out of bed again, too. To get dressed is an extreme effort. At your seven months, I was still in huge shock I had lost my mother who was my everything. I went through four years of living in a trance. I knew I would never again be the same. The very moment she died, I just knew it. It was all so nightmarish. Life, for me, was over. I only wished to die. Her death changed me forever. I’ve become a different person than before. That was over five years ago and I’m still not the same person. My advice to you is to live for the small moments of happiness that will come your way, no matter how fleeting. In time, only the good memories of your dear mother will be there and they will be a source of great comfort. Her love will never ever leave you, she’s alive within you. Be good to yourself, because you even have her precious DNA. Thus, being good to yourself means that you are also being good to her. My mother has now internalized her presence within me, it feels likes she’s with me somewhere inside of myself. I even notice I’m becoming more like her, which feels very comforting to me. Strangely, she no longer feels so far away. I feel her strength and love right inside me as if she is sharing my body as a very welcomed guest. I am trying to live my life in ways she would be proud of, something I never really thought about before. Sometimes I think we love someone even much, much more after they die and that kind of super love is so sacred. It took me four years of nightmarish hell to get to this point. You are still so early in your journey (as I am, with my boyfriend who I just lost). Please let me know how you are doing.
  3. “ I'm glad he didn't suffer longer but it seems the suffering transfers to us, doesn't it.” So, so true!!!
  4. Life is for the living, but it’s also for the dead. Just look at all the past people of history that still influence us today in all areas of living. Music. Literature. Art. Film. Science. Poetry. They are all dead, yet still very much alive. May we live our lives “meant for the living” and always remember them, for only you can keep their memories alive. Talk to your grandchildren about them or keep a diary or journal of their memories with you. As the Native American, Chief Seattle, once wisely proclaimed, “The dead are not all together powerless.” They are still here with us each and every day!
  5. KayC, you are an angel. Thanks for taking the time to offer your wisdom and to give much support to us all. I’m going to try to follow your advice and force myself to feel just a “moment of happiness every day. I did that once before (when I was enduring a major trauma in life) and it got me through somehow.
  6. Pmarie

    Multiple Losses

    Thanks so very much! As a person with a big imagination, plus one having had multiple losses and being well acquainted with grief, I thought of another possible subject: People who find out a (negative) secret about a loved one, after the loved one has passed. I tried to google that and I see a lot of people are experiencing this, but the subject is not typically found on any website concerning grief. There is very little support in that area. Just a thought that I came up with! Thank you for listening. (PS. Also, off the subject, I’ve been having problems with posting in the past few days. I sometimes have to cut and paste my message, by leaving the page and going back to it, or it won’t post. Often it states to “clear editor” and I don’t know why.)
  7. The fatigue I feel is absolutely overwhelming. Most days it’s just too hard and too much of an effort to get up or dressed. I feel like someone has pulled out the plug to my life force. When I have to go somewhere, I return in an even more exhausted state than before. Perhaps, if I could find an ounce of energy, I would feel better.
  8. Pmarie

    Multiple Losses

    Since I have only read the forums so far, I guess I noticed that it was missing. Perhaps just a simple header such as “Multiple Losses” (as with the other categories). Multiple loss seems to have extra layers of psychological hurt and it feels very complicated. Perhaps it would be helpful to many. Glad you like the idea, but it’s up to you, of course (how to best present it). I’ll have to also acquaint myself with the rest of your wonderful and very welcoming site! It’s been a life-saver!
  9. I contacted a music school yesterday to see if I can enrol so as to do something I love, singing. I do not know if that will help my situation but I am willing to give it a try.  I think it will help. When my mother died, I immersed myself in creative pursuits which gave me purpose and meaning. I barely had the strength to even get dressed, so just staying at home and doing this was very ideal for me. I volunteered almost a decade with my mom and with my (now deceased) boyfriend when they were alive, and it afterwards became almost too hard for me to do, as it brought back so many, many memories. So, I immersed myself in creativity and it became my new spirituality. I’ve found I’ve become a far less extroverted person after much loss.
  10. I guess I am feeling exactly like HPB. I feel completely dead inside, as if I have no more life left inside of me to physically move my own body. Everything is an extreme effort. My future looks so monotonous and dull. The future, that only a little while ago seemed so much shinier, has collapsed in on itself. Everything feels over. I’ve lost my big love so recently and have also had multiple extremely huge other losses, as well. Reality has been wiped out. The future, as I had dreamed it, is over and gone with no hope of it ever (the dream of it) returning. Death is final. How much choice do we really have in this life? All of us must find a reason to exist. I think that volunteer work is excellent for the more extroverted among us and that pursuing a hobby (an old or new one), or pursuing an interesting area of research, would be very helpful to the more introverted. We must treat ourselves with care. In a way, we are all newborns, feeling helpless, and having no idea at all of what future is ahead (as its impossible). One day at a time. That’s all I can do, I can’t see past this evening.
  11. It seems like there is some kind of light to be found even in the pitch darkness of great tragedy. I hope this is a hopeful beginning of a beautiful and life-long relationship between you and your nephew! He may need you more than you do him. Much love, wisdom, and luck to both of you! As for your brother, I sadly believe some people do exist whose wounds just go way too deep to ever heal, or be understood. May he finally Rest In Peace. Thank you, also, for your kind condolences.
  12. I am so sorry. Losing my beloved mother was one of the most painful experiences of my life. We were the best of friends! At first I was in total shock, like you. It couldn’t possibly be real! Someone at her memorial service even said they were surprised I “was taking it so well,” when I absolutely wasn’t!! I was so numb and in protective denial for about 8 months and it was horrible. The nightmare was always pushing in the back of my mind wherever I went and whatever I would do. It took a long time after that to process it and keep recycling through the different stages of grief. I just now noticed this is an older post and you may not read it, but hopefully it will help someone else. Each death is different, but mine was a very long path to even find some resolution and for a long time I felt no mental peace. But I believe nature has wired our brains to eventually heal, and it will happen when it is time. We can not control grief, nor predict its duration, we can only follow the path till it leads out of the thickest darkness.
  13. Dear Debra L., I am going through something similar in not being able to find complete closure with a close death, due to unanswered questions I still have and will likely never know. This makes the grief feel much more complicated and confusing. I hope that, in time, we will be able to make peace with the unknowable and to heal this biting pain. It sounds like your brother led a sadly troubled life and maybe, himself, did not know who he was. It appears he was looking for answers. I’m not sure if this will make you feel better or not, but I once read that sociopaths rarely commit suicide. There are other personality disorders that can mimic that condition in the Cluster B personality disorders that often involve a lack of a true inner identity. It sounds like he did radical things to try to find himself. Forgive him, he was a troubled soul. Sadly, this was how he found peace. My deep condolences to you.
  14. Pmarie

    Multiple Losses

    Me, too. Because no one else seems able to understand my pain. I’m always trying to hide it, which I hate. I think others just feel I have a “bad attitude.” Maybe that’s my imagination, but I don’t think so.
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