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Lucygucy

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  1. It sounds to me as if she is possibly afraid of being hurt again? Unless she and former husband had kids together, perhaps she should distance herself from her MIL who is picking away at the scab of your GF's grief so that she can't heal. Note: you should not be the one to suggest this to her...it will backfire. I'm not suggesting that MIL is doing this maliciously or even consciously, but I am guessing she sees your GF as a living thread to her deceased son. In any case, I'd leave her be, for the time being...too soon for cards and flowers that she may read as pressure. Let her have the space to work through this by herself. Maybe in a few more weeks, you can send a 'just saying hi' type of card and see if you can get a sense of whether she is still stuck. I don't actually see her behavior as uncaring, as much as she has the maturity to not string you along while she is conflicted by a lack of closure regarding he husband's death. I understand that suicides, too, bring an even extra level of grief and guilt. I can only suggest that you give her the time to work with her counselor. I know that's hard advice, but you ARE caring for her by giving her the space and opportunity to resolve this.
  2. I feel like for politeness' sake I should say 'I'm so sorry' or 'I know how you feel'...but the words feel so shallow in the face of such loss. My husband passed on ( using that term intentionally, because I know it is only his body that has died and that the real *he* still survives in heaven or an afterlife...just my own beliefs, not intending to foist them on you) just 3 months ago. In all honesty, I have very limited recollection of the first week or so...I guess I was numb, but I do recall even the numbness as being hellishly surreal. I recall feeling like Lucy in the Charlie Brown cartoon strip, with me being Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, and God as Lucy yanking the football away at the last minute. My husband had cancer, too, but had successfully reached and maintained complete remission only to die from a preventable side effect of a medication he had just started to maintain that remission. So we went from the high of being assured at his last oncology checkup just 2 weeks before he died to the blow of slipping away from a medical mistake. I understand the anger and the rage and the need to scream and that horrid sense of being unable to breathe...I want to assure you that it is normal, imo...but torturous. I have some good days, or a series of good days, followed up by days like today that come close to breaking me. I've spoken with other people who have lost their spouses, some as long as 9 or 10 or more years and there are still bad days. So...not to scare you...but if you are wondering if there is anything wrong with your reactions and feelings...NO, YOU ARE OKAY for feeling the way you do. Like you, Colmort, I felt and still feel so isolated even now. My own family is gone, and my husband and I had no children together. His adult kids were not very attentive to him while he was alive, and it's as if I don't exist. His siblings, too, have rarely called...no cards, no flowers, nothing. In fact, while I was still holding Tony's hand growing cool after he passed, his brother came into the room and told me to stop crying. There' s something very cold--or maybe just too fearful---in modern culture that treats grief as something like a disease. You are so right...that alienation is a great hurt, all on its own. The one thing I am grateful for is that Tony insisted on no funeral, only cremation. No fuss, no muss, remembering the agony of funerals for his and my parents. I am, however, pretty sure that you will not be *feeling better* after the funeral, as your friend believes. I wish I had some killer advice for you in how to deal with the pain...I will say this, don't hold those tears back like I tried to do at first, because I felt like I would be swallowed up in grief and never come back. I learned the hard way...the first time I went to the grocery store after Tony died, I burst out in tears over the frozen turkey breasts...he loved his turkey and the memory really pierced me through. So now...I cry when I need to. Allegedly this is supposed to help you heal. Anyhow...sending you a virtual hug and kiss and know that you will be in my thoughts ( and prayers, if that's okay with you).
  3. I'm in this club, too, lol. My husband passed on 3 months ago tomorrow. I know many people would say that my pure raw grief right now is making me say I'll never marry again, but I know I won't. I fully believe in heaven or an afterlife or in whatever term we want to give it. We love ( yes, present tense!) each other immensely...He was my world and I,his. We did everything together and hated being apart for any reason. He always glowed when he would tell me I was the love of his life. He was and remains the love of my life. He took at least half of me with him. Now, I know a psychologist or someone like that would be tempted to call it co-dependency or whatever catch phrase is in vogue. I hate to break it to them, but love IS co-dependency, it's the nature of love so I'm not really open to their suggestions that a soul-mate kind of love is somehow unhealthy. I can not imagine God giving us something so beautiful and life-sustaining ( and actually sacred) , only to tell us that in heaven, we won't be with that one person with whom we really shared our heart and soul. The idea that love is so...I don't know...disposable...?...depresses me. Frankly. I know that I can not ever love another man in the same way. That can never be duplicated and anything less would certainly not be fair to a new guy because he would never have my whole heart and soul. My husband passed unexpectedly so we never really had any discussion of either of us marrying again, but I recall that after his brother passed, my husband was upset that his widow remarried within a very few years. He felt that this indicated that her love was superficial. We only had a few days to absorb my own husband's impending passing, but I made him promise to come for me when it was my time ( and frankly, I would not mind if that time were soon...not that I am going to do anything, just sharing an honest thought. ). He promised he would. He knew he was carrying my heart with him. As I said earlier, I am certain that we don't die...we shed our earthly bodies, yes, but our spirit lives on in heaven and I believe that what makes us *us* stays the same. However happy and satisfactory our marriages on earth will, so much more joyous will they be in God's heaven, imo. So...no, I can not imagine telling him that I would want him to remarry, because I wouldn't. And I know him well enough to know that he would not remarry..,please forgive me for sounding cocky, but I knew how very deeply he loved me.
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