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About MargeeTx

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    Advanced Member

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  • Gender
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  • Interests
    Not sure right now
  • Loss Type
    Sudden death of 44 year old son
  • Angel Date
    January 23, 2018


  • Occupation
    Retired Registered Nurse
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320 profile views
  1. Hey Peggy.....maybe it is just everyone is really busy with summer going away and all that happens in August and September. I miss all of you and I know I haven’t posted nearly like I have wanted to. But mine has been because I have been in such a funk since Jason died in January last year and this is my first damned anniversary of that. I saw a therapist back in 1991....I can’t even remember her name. But she helped me ALOT. I found my old notebook that I used while I was seeing her. I think I told y’all that I am not motivated to do anything but sleep or cry.....probably for the past month. One thing she suggested is that rather than “looking at all that I know I need todo ,pick one thing and do only that ...setting a time limit....then when I have done whatever, I can then decide to do another something or not.....but whatever is ok. I am thinking of making a list. Mike has told to hire my yard guy to do all of my fall stuff.....that took an elephant off my mind. I have ruined my nose with all the blowing andihave a fever blister up inside my right nostril. But I have my heart surgery April 9. Light some candles and start praying. Been out for 8-10 hours Care’s the piss out of me . thank you all for letting me vent. It does help ooxxmargarett
  2. I have not received any posts since January. Did I do something?
  3. I just finished watching A STAR IS BORN or rather , cried, watching the movie. I love almost any type of movie and found this one to be really good. I never really ‘got’ GaGa before but she is really talented. Is anyone else having issues since the last Microsoft update? Hell, it takes me forever to find the simple comma. Another doctors appt in the morning to run an update on the .....ready.....$6000 monitor they have me on..Some dude will hook me up to a computer and run all kinds of tests. I am not complaining....I want all of the fancy-dancy equipment tobeinperfect shape and I hope like hell the doctor doesn’t drink the night before surgery. And of course , he looks about 13. alrighty then, as Matthew McMonahey (sp) would say catch you alll later. xxoomargarett
  4. Hey everyone : I am sorry I haven’t been here in a while. I swear this January ‘February and March have been absolutely horrible for me. I know the one year anniversary was January 23, have been the worst time for me since jason died. I am crying when I’m not sleeping. I know some of this is because my heart is acting up. I am wearing a 24 hr heart monitor and I get calls all the time and then I spend 30 minutes on phone with doc and monitor service as to wether I go911 or not. Surgery is scheduled for April 9. Wish me luck. They will be stopping/restarting my heart multiple times and surgery will last 10-12 hours. Then flat on my back another 12 hours. This is what really messed my back up last time. My sacral discs do not handle that length of no change in position. And then I feel like a blubbering idiot for worrying about my issues. It has to get better. Xxoo margarett
  5. Good evening to my friends: yesterday, Jeremy, Natalie, Carson, ad Ryder came by for a quick GRAND-MA-Ma and GRAND PA-pa visit before they went to a Birthday dinner for one of their nieces. Is there anything on this earth that compares to a grandchild's love, hugs, and conversations? I don't think there is. I had this incredible feeling in my heart and soul. But, my oh my, they are growing up SO fast. i was perfectly ok until they started to leave.....Jeremy has Jason's truck, and when I saw it in the driveway, I fell apart. Memories of how proud Jason was when he got the truck...he paid cash for it, and only got to enjoy the truck from Oct to Jan. That he was mindful enough to pull off the highway right before he died- avoiding an accident. This all had to be a God thing. He wanted Jason with him. He needed a 6'4" angel. Today I stayed in bed all day....deep in reflection, memories, and prayer.So doggone glad I never have another MONDAY at work. It was better than a hot fudge Sunday. Talk with you all soon. ps....for all my yankee friends.... it was a beautiful 68 degrees here today. I really feel for all of you dealing with the nasty, freezing snow and ice.
  6. Good evening to all. No, I haven't been abducted by aliens using an anal probe.....I have just had the worst January, ever. I find myself talking to Jason as if he is right beside me. Then, I remember something that I wished we had talked about. Then I cry.....and cry ... and then cry some more. My nose has no skin left on it, going thru boxes of tissues. Other than seeing Jeremy, Natalie , Carson and Ryder, I have not seen another human ( except doctors and technicians) since the beginning of the year. Am I now an official recluse? I will be having the A-FIB ablation sometime in the next couple of weeks. Just 2-3 days in the hospital. If I can get this better, I shouldn't continue with the dizziness and falls, and not need the $800/month RX. Have any of you ever 'thought' you saw your child/love one? I have had several episodes where I could swear I saw Jason...usually when I am driving. My heart nearly breaks in two when I realize it is just a wishful hallucination. ( they have medicine for those). Still no dream. i read all of the posts here. My God, so much pain, so much loss, and so much that you cannot make any sense of it. I have gotten closer to my siblings. There are now 5 of us left from 8. Since Jason died and my oldest brother had his health issues, we are texting each other in a group thru messenger. This has helped. We are all jousting getting older and older. I need my heart fixed so I can be ready for my spring gardening in Jason's beds. My little garden helper is ready as soon as I can.
  7. Greetings to all my wonderful friends, that came to me because Jason died last January 23rd. I was talking to one of my nursing supervisors.... she really helped. So many do not feel comfortable talking to me....they don't seem to know what to say. Have found one way to say to them..... when was the last time you saw Jason? What were you doing? Then I try to think of something humorous to break the ice. This has helped those friends to start talking about Jason... i just need to really, really try to get myself into some kind of routine. I need that to help keep me more grounded. There are days when I literally do nothing. saw the cardiologist yesterday.... waiting now for the surgeon to call and we are going to do the ablation. Fun. I am a nurse and iHATE hospitals. More later....please know that you all have a very special place in my heart. xxoo margarett
  8. Hey everybody: Cold, windy here in Dallas, but thankfully, no ice/snow to muck up the roads. I've been watching LIVE PD. Somewhat mindless TV, but since my Mike was a police officer for over 40 years, he gives me believable commentary, and mostly it is just funny. I have been on the very thin edge of a complete and total " losing my mind" the week, with one year passing..... oh so quickly. And then I had a blessed revelation.....if time continues to pass this quickly, I should be able to gather enough sanity to remain in the human race. Thank you to all that have shared their personal experiences about cardiac ablations. I am off cardiac and blood thinners until my 3 day hospital stay to change medications. The side effects are so horrible that just getting a break from them makes me want to jump and dance. BUT, my Alabama loss was still really hard to swallow. And, I have follow the Saints because they are right here close to us. I realize that that was a completely screwed up sentence, but oh well. i have a really funny political joke, but I will best filter my thoughts and politics is just being discussed too much already. Gotta go and put my roast, onions, carrots in the crock pot for tomorrow.....having Jeremy, Natalie, Carson, and Ryder will be over for Sunday. I just love you all and wish we all lived close enough to see each other some. That would cause us some joy. Xxoo margarett
  9. Good evening to everyone: I have managed to continue to breath even as this one year anniversary is here. But, I cannot think one rational thought for the past 2-3 days, just knowing that the anniversary is here. Thinking of all of you.... xxoo margarett
  10. Good evening friends: Boy, we are all struggling to stay half-sane and keep between the lines. I have been in bed, nearly all week....A-FIB with heartrates over 160 ar times. So dizzy I can barely walk. In conversation with my cardiologist, looks like I will be having a third ablation soon. I am not looking forward to it, but I just can't find an RX. that doesn't get me with side effects and still not effectively handling my heart rate. The surgery will be 8-10 hours, then flat on my back for 8-10 hours. This is what messes my back up so bad. I also know that I am in hysterics which are bottled up..... reading all of Jason 's text messages from last December and January before he died. My youngest son, Jeremy, is doing the same thing. It is as if I can't NOT do it. Again .... I'm looking for a hut in the Caribbean to recover from the heart surgery. to all of you... thank you for always being here. xxoo margarett
  11. Good evening to everyone: I was sitting here, in my bed, and thinking of all my previous "NEW YEAR EVE'S" and where, who, what I have done in the past. It is also my grandson's birthday (we tease his Dad about REALLY wanting a tax deduction that year ). One thing I am becoming aware of....I can't seem to be able to come up with any type of daily routine. Some of this has to be related to my work retirement and Jason dying in the same year. Some days I want to do something and other days....."just leave me alone." But I can never predict how I am going to feel when I get up in the morning. Thank God for my husband. He says it doesn't matter....that neither of us have to have a schedule anymore....I think I am afraid I will be useless. So I hope I find a therapist soon. My life is so totally different now. Retirement is weird. But, God must know what he's doing...I would have never been able to function in my work environment. Thinking of you all....xxoo margarett
  12. Hey everyone: " I have been in survival /don't blow up". Mode all week . I am also researching 'therapists' and hope to get an appt with someone, soon. Problem: since I worked in the mental health arena for over 10years, I know most of them. I don't want my story to become subject feeder for coffee breaks. I am so thankful and saddened by our new folks. But, this is somewhere that will not provide anything but understanding, coping skills that can work, and no prejudice. I always get so much more than I can give. I am facing my one year in January. Does anyone have a hut on an island in th Caribbean? My dark humor is only meant to relieve..... no pain. ooxx margarett
  13. Oh my....what a strange and unpositive time, for me, all of you &all the many folks who don't use this site for understanding and strength. Last nite, I woke up around 3am, and spent the next couple of hours reading the mountains of posts. I truely don't know how so many of us continue to move forward. Then I started flipping channels and found a really old Billy Gragham telecast. He was a amazing man of God. For the first 12 years off my first marrriage,,we never missed a service. The twins were babtized at 12... Jeremy was 10. They never complained about going to church. I had a "pretend marriage" at age 40.. it only lasted 14 months and. Was a raging alcoholic. Then I met Mike... we have been married since 1995. Our anniversary is 9/11....and, no it wasn't planned way. Mike is calm, steady, and so dependable and honest. He has the strongest heart of anyone I have known. And he loves my children. And he is a HUNK!!!! I am learning mediation.i have to find something that I can turn to when the terror hits. And you all know what I mean. I reffused to use drugs or alcohol. I will be glad when I an get back to my walking. I was walking 5 miles. I have never timed it,; our town developed a trail thru the woods... it is so peaceful. Unti 2 years ago, I have always worked in nursing management. I had a job back in 80's, I traveled every week . Great money but Traveling gets old pretty quickly. And another God thing..... He kept me well until it was retirement time. I have used one entire spiral notebook since I began my journal . It does help me tremendously to sit and just write. It might help others. There is therapeutic is impact with writing.... oh, and BTW...... have a bunch of baby squirrels in one bird house.........they are so cute!!!!! xxoo margarett
  14. Hello all: Ok, the nurse in me figured something today. Remember how I thought I had 'overdone' my activities on Friday & Saturday? Well I. Stayed in bed ( as ordered) by the doc, other than bathroom. TODAY I FELT BETTER. I am not at 100%, but at least I know what 'bedrest' means. So I am going to be really good until I see the doc on Friday. Christmas was Jason 's favorite holiday he was the one who was on the roof with lights since he was 12. That explains his certificate in high air construction. "The higher up, the better I like it" he did bungee jumping, sky diving, getting licensened to drive any type of construction vehicle... my wild child who didn't just roll to a different drummer.....he heard an entirely different orchestra. it seems strange to not have a tree and all the Christmas stuff out....maybe it is a God thing, to prevent me from going off the rails trying to decorate. we have so many of us with Christmas angel deaths. I wish I could say something meaningful......just love your family. We have no guarantees about tomorrow. xxoo margarett
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