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tessa

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About tessa

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  • Loss Type
    mother
  • Angel Date
    4 August 2017

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  1. Hi Nuvar, yesterday, I was faced with an issue that I did not know how to handle. So I asked myself, what would my mother do, what would my mother want me to do, what would my mother expect me to do. And that is what I did. So, what would your mother want you to do? And go and do just that.
  2. Hi Nuvar, Why don't you just disown your relatives for now. You can always re-own them in the future. I'm thinking - if you forget about your relatives, it'll take the stress off, which in turn will make it more easy to cope with your father which will in turn reduce/stop you from shouting at him which in turn will stop the neighbors annoying you and the whole circle starts to unravel. My father disowned one of his brother's after their mother died. He never spoke to that brother again. I'm no longer talking to one of my sisters. Disowning realtives is a common practise.
  3. Hi Cybil, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. What I do, instead of using substances, I pretend my parents have gone on a long holiday. And I think one day I will get to join them. Think of it as your parents have gone on a long holiday to another place. And find things to concentrate on. I have a cat now. And the cat keeps me laughing. It helps me forget about my parents. They're both gone now too.
  4. Hi Auburnazd, I'm so sorry for your losses. It's not easy to just get over it. I too have been losing people starting 6 years ago. Sometimes it feels like they are all leaving and I'm left here on my own. The way I keep going is firstly, I have told myself I have to keep going. I can't just die. I don't know how to just die so I have to just keep going until it is my turn to leave. But what do I do in the meantime. I can't just sit here for a couple of decades just breathing. I have to do something. So I got myself into a hobby and it has been much better since I did so. I now have something to wake up to everyday. That is what I recommend for everyone. Find something to do that keeps us interested, something to wake up to everyday. It could be trading the stock market. Wake up everyday to see what the stock market is up to. It could be chickens. Have to get out of bed to feed the chickens and collect the eggs It could be a pet. Have to look after the cat/dog. It could be volunteer work or study or sport or anything. Just something to get us out of bed everyday and give us something to think about. But not too hard or challenging or stressful. I was thinking of getting some chickens or maybe a veggie patch. I am useless at gardening so I will a have to start small. It won't bring them back. We will miss them always but having a reason to wake up everyday keeps depression away. Start small and slowly, slowly re-invent yourself and create a new life. You can do it
  5. Hi Jo, It will be OK. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow but it will be OK. I promise you. 3 months is very raw. It hurts real bad at 3 months. I didn't get back to nearly normal until over a year later. Even now, 1.5 years later, I still miss my parents real bad but at least I can function again. It will be OK. Cry it out, let the hurt go away. Be kind to yourself. Take care of your little one. Slowly slowly it will get better. You will always miss your mum but it'll get better. I promise. Time will soften the pain. XOXOX
  6. Hi Blue Rabbit, Yes, I read every word you wrote How do we continue without them? My answer is because I have to. I have to live each day I wakeup. That's what I tell myself. I "have to" until I am allowed to go join them. It's only been a month for you. This is the really, really, really awful stage. It gets better with time. I was a zombie for the first 1.5 years. I looked alive but inside I was nothing. Then I started filling in my life with new things and slowly slowly, life felt better again. But not good. I still miss my parents every day. I keep remember the way it used to be. It will never be the same again. But we must keep living. That's what your mother would want you to do. Are you able to have a holiday? My advice is to take it easy for awhile if you can. Just let those awful feelings do whatever they want to do while you just veg out, take it easy. This is if you can, some people can't cuz they have commitments like kids and finance. I also talk to my mother before I go to sleep. I pretend she can hear me. I tell her all the things I would have told her if she was still alive. Sending you lots and lots of hugs XOXOX
  7. Hi silverkitties, sending you hugs. Hang in there.
  8. Hi Nuvar, Do you go to the gym? A good workout or a run might help you deal with the frustration. It won't solve your problems but a good workout helps us process the stress, give us some relief so we can better deal with things.
  9. Hi Chriselle, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. People who have never experienced such a loss can't comprehend what it's like so they say stupid things like "get over it". They wouldn't be saying it if it was their dad. They just can't understand it like most of us here couldn't understand it until it happened to us. They will understand one day when it's their turn. As for you, it is a major shock and takes time for the body and mind to adjust to. Just take one day at a time.
  10. I agree with Reader regarding taking up the respite care. When we are under a lot of stress, we can't see straight, we can't see the light. I look back at the time when I was under a lot of stress and I made bad choices simply because I couldn't see straight because of the stress. Respite care will give you a break, a breather to enable you to clear your mind and sort out the issues The anger will disappear on it's own without you needing to do anything about it when the stress goes away. That's what happened with me, the bad moods disappeared on their own.
  11. Hi Nuvar, Do you have access to a counsellor or psychologist, someone to talk to to let out your frustrations. You're under a lot of stress and over-stress can lead to anger, bad moods, shouting, impatience, feelings of despair etc. The people around you - relatives, neighbors, they don't understand what pressure you are under so they judge you falsely. You're not unfilial, you're just under a lot of pressure and the stress of it all is causing your outbursts. You mentioned you're Buddhist. Are you part of a Buddhist community? Do they have any monks that you can talk to? Can you talk to that nice aunt and tell her you're not coping. Maybe her church has people that can help. I was in a similar situation when my father was ill. I was under a lot of pressure with father being ill but still needing to work for money. I was constantly in a bad mood. I couldn't see at the time how life could get better. Looking back, I see that it was all stress. I needed to remove the stress and learn how to cope with stress. You're not a bad person and it doesn't matter whether you're tall or short, fat or skinny or ugly as long as you are healthy. Ugly is subjective anyway. In some cultures, people desire to be big and fat because it is a symbol of wealth. In other cultures, people want to be skinny to the point of anorexia. It's subjective.
  12. Hi Lostnbroken, 2 months is still very, very raw. It's awful. But it gets better. The emotions become less raw and life gets more copeable with time. Hang in there. It gets less worst. For me, it was a year before life became a bit more normal (although it will never be the same for me).
  13. Hi Nuvar and Streamingthelight, It is still early days for you 2. It took me a year before the emotions subsided. I didn't want to go on after my mother passed away. I lost my appetite. I couldn't see a reason for living. I couldn't see a reason for dying either. I was like a zombie, a walking robot for the first year. It gets less worst. I can't say it gets better. I can only say it gets less worst. I still haven't found a reason to keep living but I no longer wish to be dead. Just hang in there. Time will make it less worst. I live each day now because I have to. If I wake up in the morning, I live the day. That's all I know. Nuvar, if religion works for you, I recommend it. Not only does it give us a reason to do or not do things, it also provides a community for us to belong to. I envy the church people. Unfortunately, I can't believe what they believe anymore but I wish I could.
  14. Silverkitties, I read what you wrote in Nuvar's topic about your father not taking on the responsibilities of a father, husband and provider. We have one of that species who married into our family. He killed by mother (with stress) After my father passed away, I discovered he was living off us, quietly siphoning money from us. He kept his money for himself while he lived off my sister (his wife) which overflowed onto us. I threw him out which started the fights. My mother died of stress and a broken heart. She had 2 daughters fighting because one was married to that POS. She couldn't pay rent. The children had gone astray. It was a mess and my mother suffered the disappointment and grief. I understand your anger at your father. I have the same anger over the one that was in our family. He's been thrown out. We're now one sister less because she went with him.
  15. Hi Nuvar, with your father annoying you with dumping things, mixing soups, hanging out dirty laundry, remind yourself that he is ill. It's a sad illness and they don't mean to do crazy things. They just can't help it, that's the illness. It's difficult. When we are stressed out with so many issues like you have, it's hard to be patient. Try and remind yourself that he is ill and see if that can help you cope. I had similar problems with my father in his last 2 years of life. I just went about and cleaned up after him or fixed what he broke etc. It's like looking after a child. It requires patience and one way I find patience is to keep reminding myself that they don't mean it, they can't help it. They are sick.
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