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  1. Past hour
  2. Oh, my dear, I am so very sorry you find yourself here with us. You are so young to have to go through this painful and seemingly impossible journey. It's horrible at any age and no matter how long we had with our soulmates, so please know that all of us here understand, each in his or her own way, all the emotions, questions, and anguish you are experiencing. I'm going to suggest that you start a new thread just for you. You could even just copy and re-post what you've written here. I promise you that the members here will not judge you or your love. They will not tell you what you should or shouldn't do, think, or feel. They will try to help you in any way they can. Some of our members have the benefit of many years of time on their grief journeys, while others of us are still very new to it. Some of us are young and others are many years older. Some of us had our soulmates for only a few years, while others had the grace of decades together. And all of us "get it" when it comes to the worst loss that will probably ever happen in our lives. Two things for now. You wrote that your husband did not know that the combination of medications could cause an overdose. Try to remember that he did not leave you on purpose, that what happened was an accident and not intentional. That will be difficult, I have no doubt, but I urge you to try. Second, your name really caught my eye. When I was in college (back in the dark ages), my best friend and I collected penguins. I've always loved them. They're so perfectly and absurdly adorable. Of course, over time, I received far too many of them as gifts. I've kept only the few that I love best, but I will never let those go. Please come here often to vent, to question, to cry. The members are a truly caring community.
  3. Today
  4. good morning margarett and mason's. some days are better then others but we know that. i do good hiding it too. except on special days then i just keep to myself peggy
  5. That's awesome news! And what a beautiful puppy! I love the name, too. Very happy for you. Wishing you and the puppy all the best!
  6. Sherri, I too am very sorry for the loss of your adorable cat, Socks. He is, and will always be, a handsome little fellow. And I know too well the pain you're going through. We all do. I lost my precious cat, Lady G., on January 14 of this year, and I am still hurting over her death. And I am not exaggerating, I have cried every single day since losing her. Every single day! In fact, I just came from outside after spending a little time at her grave, and was crying my eyes out while out there. I visit her grave every day and night, out back. Her death has been extremely painful for me. And I truly don't care what anyone thinks of me for loving her so much, or for crying all the time since her death. She was very special to me, and I want the world to know it! I'll proudly continue to talk about how special she was to me. You're not alone in with your pain. And there's no magical way to make yourself feel better. Only thing we have is time, which can help lessen our pain a little. I wish you the very best during this difficult time, Sherri. You hang in there. Rest peacefully, Socks
  7. @Pim My mother traveled almost literally up to the day she died. One of her long trips (5 weeks) was with a group to New Zealand. We teased her that in so many of the pictures we've seen, New Zealand looks a whole lot like the United States west coast. Plus I lived in Norway as an exchange student and then spent 5 weeks there with my husband and mom about 15 years ago, so I've "been there, seen that" when it comes to fjords. Well, she came back absolutely in love with New Zealand. She said that yes, there is much that is similar to our west coast and yes, the fjords are similar too. But she found Dunedin and the area around Queenstown and Alexandra to be incredibly special. Judging by her pictures, I'd have to agree that the entire region is spectacular.
  8. I'm reading the post by youngwidow27 and it feels like I'm reading my own story... I'm 36 and 3 months ago I lost the love of my life. We were married for 11 years. For most of that time he was treated for anxiety, but you'd never know it. Actually, his family has learnt about it already after his death. He was brilliant, funny, and so caring. We had some ups and downs, but as we concluded- we were penguins, together for life. I adored him- he was my everything. One day, just before Christmas, I came from work and found him on the floor. Because he was fit and healthy, till recently we didn't know the cause of death. I've just learned that he took a painkiller that reacted with his anxiety meds and caused an accidental overdose. We were about to start actively trying to expand our family. We had so many dreams and plans. Sometimes I get mad with him that he took all that away from us. Most of the time, I just miss his smell, smile, and wisdom.
  9. Hello, I haven't really fully thought this through, so this post might turn a little bit into stream of thought at points. It was Sunday night, quarter to midnight, when I found my mother dead in her bed. She'd been a smoker for most of her life, had her thyroid partially removed a couple years back and was struggling with low oxygen levels in her blood for quite some time, which was why she had an oxygen machine at her bed, to use during the night. ON top of all this she recently caught an infection in the middle of last week and I guess it all came to a tipping point Sunday morning, when I found her at 6 AM Sunday, sitting on the couch in the living room, barely lucid and struggling with her sense of balance, since she was wobbling back and forth a bit. I tried talking to her to find out if she was ok and what happened. What I managed to understand was her having fallen out of bed and apparently having decided to sit in the living room for a bit. I sat down beside her, putting a hand on her shoulder in an attempt to give her something to focus on, so she knows there is something there for her mind to latch onto. I kept sitting next to her for a little longer, before I then kneeled in front of her and took her hands and tried to urge her to stand up so I could help her back into bed, thinking things would take a turn for the better if she manages to sleep a bit more. She nearly fell over as I was helping her walk into her room and after some more time of her sitting on the edge of her bed I got her to lie down and went back to my room. I kept checking on her periodically, every half hour/hour to see how she was doing and that barely lucid state never quite lifted, as well as her breath being rough. At around noon or so, I heard a loud noice, but stayed in my room thinking the cats had toppled something, but when I next checked on my mother I noticed a glass vase (filled with umbrellas and other things) had fallen over and shattered. I cleaned it up and asked her what happened. I didN't get much out of her besides her telling me it fell over sometimes last night, while it was the middle of the day. At 2 PM I asked her if she wanted to eat something and she managed to ask for tea, which I made her. Turkish apple&fig with some sugar on top. She never drank any of it. The last time I checked on her before I found her dead was 6 PM, when i noticed that her breathing sounded a lot easier. I assume at that point she had rolled onto her side. After this I felt relief and time became a bit of a blur as I returned to my room and read something. When I next realised I should check on her it was 23:44 ... and I heard nothing but silence when I stood in her bedroom door. I ran to the bed, called her name, shouted it, screamed it in panic. I then ran back to my room and frantically googled for the emergency hotline number of my country, since in my frazzled state one for a different one was all that popped into my head. I called the emergency hotline, managed to communicate to them to please send over an ambulance and the operator on the other end then asked me to put the phone on speaker, after which he instructed me what to do. Pull her off the bed onto the ground, push up her shirt and compress her breastbone, about 5 cm deep and nothing else. While he did that he set up something on his end which emitted a rhythmic beeping sound, which I was to use as a metronome to time my compressions to. During this process I also briefly was asked to check her mouth for obstructions, but there was nothing to do there, except pulling out her lower tooth prosthesis. It was about 5 or 6 minutes later when they arrived, I let them in, they checked what little they could, but to no avail. Flatline. They told me that police was on their way, as procedure. They arrived some 10 minutes later and asked me questions about what happened, took notes of it and told me how the rest of the procedure looks like. How after them two people in charge of counseling/pastoral care were to come so I have people to talk to, followed by a pair of policemen from the criminal investigation department and finally two employers from the nearest coronary. Suffice to say, it got a bit hectic, especially considering the two cats we have and the airlock system that is necessary with the two doors that lead into our flat. After the people from the ambulance took over in the bedroom I was led to the kitchen by the two counselors and we sat down, talking about various things. Meanwhile the police took pictures of the place and, I assume, the criminal investigation department people combed thoroughly through the bedroom. What I, looking back, appreciated the most was how there were, at any point in time, at least 4 people in my presence and the pair of people who first arrived only took off after the next two arrived and how soft spoken everybody was. That was a great deal of help. It was about 3 AM when everything was over and the body had been taken away. One of the policemen asked me for contact information, in case they need to contact me for anything else and I was given a business card of the local burial institute, where I was to call later on Monday to make an appointment, since they are there to point us in the direction things need to be going, as well as taking the majority of things in need of doing off our shoulders. I was also briefly asked if family lived in our town, which there is some, but I decided against calling them in the middle of the night. I saw little use in scaring my grandparents out of bed in the middle of the night with such distressing news. I spent the rest of the night without sleep, but instead writing with friends in Discord, as well as contacting some friends I hadn't talked to in a while. At half past six I started making the first phone calls to start informing various parties. My aunt picked me up and we informed the rest of our family and made an appointment with the institute to figure out what needs to be done. All in all, the majority if things that need to be done are done and all I can do now is wait for the death certificate needed to start properly with the consequences of a death that occurred way too soon. She was only 55. Last but not least I would like to end on a more positive note and leave with a little retelling of something I consider to be well worth sharing, which happened to me two hours ago when I woke up. After a night that was thankfully lacking in nightmares. IN the aforementioned Discord chat channel one user had posted a music video which my barely awoken brain used as a catalyst for a rush of positive emotions, after which I did something I recall doing sometimes, when I'm down. I looked and touched random objects and furniture in my room, attempting to feel out what it means that it is here in front of me. How many people are involved in it's design, creation, transport and so on. That exercise gave me an enormous feeling of connection, of pride and of love for humanity and all the positive things we accomplished. So while the pain of my loss is not entirely gone, which it never will be, this exercise took a lot of it's sting away and I will do my best to channel this experience of mine into making this whole process as easy as I can for all the people involved. Thank you for reading.
  10. I too am very interested in this subject. I’ve been reading many books about NDEs and find it has changed the way I feel about death. I find it very comforting. I’m looking forward to reading your point of view, Pim.
  11. Thank you both so much for helping me cope with the loss of my cat Socks. I have never been good at making friends and my animals seemed to fill that need of companionship. Socks was just a very special cat. It hasn't helped that my horse of 29 years died last July while I was volunteering at a Black Bear sanctuary and my dog, who was 13 died two weeks later. So coming home is very hard for me right now. Thank you for sharing with me and being here.
  12. I am still here too. One day at a time, one step at a time. Not a day goes by without sadness, I hide it from most because grief makes people uncomfortable.
  13. Dee and Jack Russell Thank you. She's a little bundle for sure. My Lil guy watches over her already and its only been a day Yeah, i miss my Big Girl but its surely nice to have a puppy again. Probably our last one though as were 59. But its a nice way to put a smile on our faces and makes the house alive again.
  14. Thank you both, it really helps to hear that others understand. It's one of the hardest things to constantly feel alone in feeling this way. None of my family understand my grief well, I was the only one really close with my dad out of my siblings because of him working so much when my older siblings were kids. Not even my mom who was married to my dad for almost four decades doesnt understand and even goes as far to belittling or bad mouthing him any chance she gets even though he was a good man. It's just hard to feel like I'm the behind everyone else because I still I have issues where everyone else is mostly stable. Thank you guys so much because your words helped in a time where I really really needed them.
  15. Yesterday
  16. So am so pleased for you. A puppy ........ well she will keep you busy and she is just gorgeous. We will never forget those we have loved and lost they will always be in our hearts x x
  17. Dear Jocelyn, Thank you for sharing your story with us and giving us comfort. Thinking of you.
  18. Thank you for the comforting words KatB.
  19. Good idea KatB. I was going to suggest another email to everyone giving them the instructions. I find having message banner and the link at the top very useful.
  20. Dear Kayla, I am so sorry for your loss as well. Thinking of you.
  21. Dear Nuvar, I know grief takes us all down this very black hole and its hard to see any light. We all have moments of hopelessness and despair. I know its not easy but you have to hang on and keep the hope. I know I tend to isolate myself as well, but you can do it. Keep reaching out and keep thinking about your beloved mum. How much she loved you and would want you to carry on. Talk to her as if she is in the room. Write to her. She is there in every cell of you. Thinking of you.
  22. Oh I am so happy for you and your family. This warms my heart to see Lily Ann and to know that she will have so much love to look forward to. No it doesn’t replace our loved ones who we hold dear but it creates healing in a different way. i am truly happy that you posted to help share in the joy after going through heartbreak. Dee
  23. @KarenSunshine thought provoking and inspiring. A beautiful and powerful word: HOPE! To feel a sliver of hope is actually magical in the dark moments we all experience. A beautiful share. I thank you.
  24. Today was the day. Wasnt expecting this at all. Got on the internet and starting looking around. My daughter woke up and said I had a dream. I dreampt i was in a garden of flowers and the flowers were wiggling and moving around. I didnt know what they were moving about so i went and looked. It was a Little black-White puppy. And it was in a field of lilies. I said Oh, in surprise. I started lookinh on Craigslist and found a listing for English Shepherds. I texted, one thing lead to another and the next thing you know " Lily" came home with us. The lady that breed her was a game warden. Needless to say Id like everyone to meet Lily. She's 2 moths old, and loving as all get go. I post this NOT to boost, but to tell those who has lost a family member so close they can never be replaced but there's always another one to be loved. Lily, and her new Big Brother. This is Lily Ann at 1 day, 1 week, 4 weeks and 8 weeks.
  25. Kay, your picture is absolutely breathtaking! What a blessed spot of the world you live in. Just as it is for foreverhis, your picture is familiar to me too. Although I have never been to Oregon (would love to however) this is because of the colours: in New Zealand, where Rob's mother lives, there is this part of the country called Otago. What always struck me in Otago are the deep brown colours of the dry landscape and the deep blue colour of the water. So Oregon is a bit like Otago :-) I like foreverhis' statement about the unknowable universe! The beauty of it all, despite the bad things, that is what really keeps me going. That, and my friends' support, both in the real world and online.
  26. We really were lucky. I mentioned to a friend a couple of days ago that even knowing where I'd be now in the depths of pain and grief, I would do it all again. To have 35 years together through all that life threw at us, to have a man who loved me so completely that he could accept me with all my flaws, to have someone by my side who would never betray or hurt me was the greatest gift I could have asked for in the world. I'd still jump in heart first and never look back, but this time I'd be kinder, gentler, more understanding, and just more of everything that made him happy, that made me happy, and that made us happy. My friend and I talked about the couples we've known who have what we could only call "shallow" relationships. Their lives seem so much on the surface with none of the depth and richness that some of us have known. It's really true that you can only experience deep pain and grief if you've had a deep and binding love. Lucky doesn't begin to describe the half of what we've had, I think. Blessed or maybe given the gift of grace or maybe something I can't even put into words.
  27. Thank you, Kay, but it was actually Pim's picture. I was responding to and commenting on it. Isn't it beautiful? That he was able to step out bravely for a while and felt peaceful enough for a moment to capture that beauty is wonderful. Yours is breathtaking. It doesn't matter that you didn't take it. You're sharing something that inspires you. I feel I should recognize the place because it seems so familiar. I've spent a fair amount of time in the Cascades, the Sierras, and the Coastal ranges over my life, so I may have been there or it may simply remind me of other places. I have family in Oregon and my husband worked there right out of college, but we haven't visited in at least 10 years, except passing through by train. Both pictures remind us of the wonder in our world and that we should treasure it. They're also a reminder, I think, of the vast, unknowable universe that binds us all together.
  28. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I've lost a few good friends too. One of my childhood friends passed away unexpectedly a couple weeks ago and it it's super hard.
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