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Fresh, new, raw grief is all encompassing. Come here to help you navigate this new journey you are on in life.
  1. What's new in this club
  2. Hello. First off, I am very sorry for your loss. I understand your pain... I loss my partner 2 days after your lost yours, sudden death as well, and it's jarring and you feel like your whole life's meaning suddenly changes or it's gone. I read all of what you wrote and it shows that you've gone through a lot not only during his death, but after. And again, I can understand a lot of what you wrote. About your questions at the end... well, first off, take each day as it comes, one day at a time, baby steps, slowly but surely. Focus on one moment, and then the next. When you can handle that, focus on one day, and then the next. The big jump from there is to plan ahead a week but well, that's a big challenge from day to day to week to week, so be patient and forgiving with yourself. Is it worth hanging on? Well... I think it is, but why don't you answer, what would Jason answer you there? Would he tell you to hang on? What would he tell you? And I know you didn't ask, but about something you wrote before, that you blame yourself for everything and that you should've "made" him go to the hospital... I have two questions for you: how could you have known? And, do you think it's fair to yourself to ask those questions, considering that he made his choices? I've learnt to respect other people's choices, whether I agree with them or not. It's not easy... but it's necessary. We are all our own human beings, responsible only for ourselves unless we are parents or have dependants. Each independent adult is responsible for their own health, for better or worse, don't you think? But again, what would Jason tell you?
  3. Mianko471

    Connecting with the circle

    Hello I’m also new here and wondering also how to navigate The circles and their role on this Platform. I lost my mother 2 years ago, my brother last year, so I share at least somewhat in the loss you feel. thank you for sharing.
  4. Today marks six months since the passing of my older brother, who was 33 when he very suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. It would have been his 34th birthday on September 15 and I found the day so incredibly difficult. I feel like I was recovering well over the past couple of months, but I have found the past few weeks impossibly hard and feel like I'm moving backwards again. I accept that he's left us but I cant quite believe that I won't ever see him or speak to him again, and I feel so much injustice in my new situation as an only child, having had my only sibling taken away from me. I don't know what to do in order to start moving forward again, so any advice from anyone who has been in similar situation would be really appreciated.
  5. Hi, I know what you're feeling. I lost my soulmate a month and a half ago and it's been impossible to get through the days, I am also 25 years old. I understand what you mean, this past month it has been so hard for me to keep myself from always talking or at least thinking about my significant other. What you need to know is that it's okay for you to be overwhelmed with emotion right now. I know that you need support from your friends and significant other right now and sometimes its hard for people to understand what you're going through when they haven't felt the same pain you're feeling. Having lost someone very suddenly with no warning, the advise I want to give to you is to cherish every single moment with your mom that you can. When you're feeling that disconnect from your friends, go with honesty. Just tell them that you're going through a lot and that if they're willing, it would really help if you could all hang out more while you're getting through this. Tell your significant other how much you care for him and that even though you may seem occupied with your own thoughts and feelings, it doesn't mean that he isn't incredibly important to you. Tell them that you don't want him to feel hurt because you spoke about your mom at his grandmother's funeral but that you have so much raw emotion that its difficult to hold it in sometimes and that you want to be real with him about where your mind is at. And above all else, when you're feeling left out, go to your mom and spend as much time with her as you can. I wish that I had even 2 more minutes with my soulmate to tell him how much I loved him. It's okay to feel how you're feeling and if after being honest with your friends they don't understand that, then maybe they aren't the best people to be around while you're getting through this. I wish I had more advise for you, but I just wanted to at least reply so you know that you're not alone.
  6. The love of my life, Jason, passed away suddenly on August 2nd, 2021 at 25 years old. He passed away right in front of me in our home. I did CPR and everything I could but he was already gone when the paramedics arrived, it look them 15 minutes to get here and the station is 2 blocks away. He always had acute asthma and had a cold (which made things worse), started to have an asthma attack and it turned into a heart attack. My insurance wouldn't let me refill his inhaler prescription that day, they said they couldn't do it until the next day, and he didn't make it. He didn't want to go to the hospital and we had always, always gotten through his asthma attacks together through the years. I should've made him go to the hospital earlier that day but he said he would be okay. I blame myself for everything. His family's way of grieving is to have someone to blame as well, and that person is me. Although we had been together for 4 years and picked out a ring, he hadn't proposed yet. I found his plans to propose on his phone 2 weeks ago. Because we aren't married his family has taken everything they legally can away from me and even tried to take our dog (I got him back). He hadn't worked in a year and a half because we didn't need him to and it was good for him to have a break (and I loved having him home with me while i work from home) and we used his bank account for savings and his family took it all. We had been through so so much but it never mattered because we had eachother and no matter what we loved eachother unconditionally. I didn't realize that true love existed until we met and instantly had an inexplicable connection. Do you know that feeling of just pure love for every part of your significant other? Even the parts that others around you might see as bad, I always just saw it as a part of him and he wouldn't be himself without mistakes and downfalls and I loved every single part of what made him Jason. The past year we were so happy living in a beautiful home with our dog in the mountains. All I ever wanted was to spend the rest of my life with him and now he's gone and it doesn't make any sense. He deserved more time and I don't know what to do without him. As he would say, "looking into your eyes, I found myself, I found love". We were always together and shared everything and now that he's gone our house is so empty, I can hardly get out of bed because of all the memories. I just miss him so much and what we had was so special, I know that we were meant to be together and he was my purpose. I always told him that if I lost him that I wouldn't be far behind, and even having stayed on this earth this long feels like I'm breaking that promise. I know that this pain is never going to stop and the only reason why I'm hanging on is because I don't want to cause my brother any sadness. Before I met Jay I honestly didn't even understand what love felt like and I know that most people don't even get to experience what we had. I still can't comprehend that this is real and he's really gone and I can't even describe the pain I feel every second of every day. We had our whole lives planned out together and now I have nothing. I just want to ask, how do I possibly get through this? Is it even worth hanging on?
  7. Hello, A few weeks ago we found out that my mother terminally ill with cancer and will likely not make it two years longer--I am 25. I have been trying really hard to process my emotions without overwhelming myself and it has been a hard balance. The main problem I'm facing right now is that I overflow with emotions when something seemingly trivial happens. The other day our fire alarm went off and it sent me into a meltdown. I am afraid this is going to cause problems in my relationships--which I deeply need right now. This weekend, my partner and I attended his grandmother's funeral--I used all of my energy not to break down at the funeral, or talk too much about my mom as for just this one day I wanted him to grieve and for me to support him, as he has been doing for me. Later that evening after the funeral I found out that a group of my friends got together to an event I thought I was invited to. This sent me into a really dark place and I couldn't hep but break down. This is something that wouldn't usually bother me so deeply, but right now it feels like everything bad thing that happens is the last straw. I'm afraid that my partner is hurt that I couldn't go one day without making it about me. I really tried. But right now, everything that I process goes through a filter of "my mom is dying". On top of this, I am crushed that my friends didn't invite me, especially as they know what I am going through. I really need my friends and partner right now, and I am afraid that I will push them away if I don't learn to handle these emotions better. I am trying to make new friends who are more supportive, but my partner is endlessly supportive and I worry that I may find the limits of his compassion during this process. I also fear he will never be able to fully support me throughout this, as he doesn't understand. All of this is causing resentments, fear, and anger in a relationship that I cherish. Please, please let me know if you found a healthy coping mechanism for processing all of these intense emotions.
  8. Dont blame yourself ,dont take that guilt on after all you have done for your family. I lost my mom after she found out she had cancer two weeks prior then my grandmother a month later. I have had alot of guilt for not spending more time with my momma. I had a newborn, worked and i was honestly in denial about the cancer. I often spend my time alone because i work so much and have a special needs kiddo. The one day off i have, i spend alone and it gets tough. losing my mom and grandma hit really hard and continues to be difficult as they where the glue that held the family together. its tough but i keep moving forward, i encourage you to keep moving forward also. my heart is with ya! i joined as many grief groups as i could and am on a waitlist for grief counseling, have you thought of giving it a try?? Please dont take on all this guilt, i know i did and how this past year has affected me living in all the guilt and shame. I'm on the road to healing though and hope and pray for the same for you.
  9. I’m sitting here after not being on this website for a few months. My dad died in March and I still blame myself for not getting him to a hospital because we were afraid of covid. His doctor told us to get a covid test. If his doctor had said this is an emergency or to go to the hospital then we would have. I’m not a doctor I just try my best. now I’m sitting here for the maybe tenth time with my brother in the hospital. Not sure what’s wrong this time but other times have been severe panic attacks. I keep calm but at some point I have to call 911 because I get scared too. This time he was unconscious and now hasn’t been speaking or moving for hours. I think the hospital triggers my thoughts of my dad and the blame. Wondering if I had gotten him to a hospital would he be fine right now? Or would he have caught covid? Would he have passed at the hospital? Died in surgery? Or would they have fixed him and he be home and our life back to how it was? I know I made the best decisions at the time with what I knew. It just doesn’t feel good enough. I’ve taken care of this family since I was 16 and my mom died. I know I’ve taken on a lot and blah blah blah. It’s ok because I loved my dad and I love my brother and I loved my mom. It’s just scary sometimes. Wondering when I’ll have someone by my side. After so much trauma, what do you do? I keep going. I’m going to keep telling myself it’s not my fault every time I think it is. Even if I had gotten my dad to a hospital who knows what would’ve happened. And it wasn’t even fair that I had to make those decisions. But that’s how it was and that’s how it is. I’m my mothers daughter and she would be proud. I just wish I had gotten him to a hospital. Maybe it was better because I wouldn’t have been able to be in there with him during the time because of covid. I wonder if covid wasn’t around, would we have even hesitated. This is horrible. I hate that I had to make all the decisions and I feel that one was wrong. im sorry dad.
  10. Kristal

    losing my mom

    Oh i'm so sorry for your loss! I lost my momma last year and if i wasn't in recovery I would have lost everything. I'm so happy to hear your in treatment and in recovery. I wish i could say it gets better but the pain is still there,very raw. I just have learned how to cope,i suppose.
  11. Kristal

    Lost my Dad

    Hey Bren, I understand what your feeling and going through. I lost my mom jan 5th 2020 after she found out she had cancer 2 weeks prior. it was so unexpected and i was in denial. Then lost my material grandmother a month later. It's been super hard! on the outside it would appear im great but inside im not. I feel super alone. I dont have much family left and family is everything to me. I'm here if you ever need to chat, I am so sorry for your losses
  12. Brenian

    Connecting with the circle

    Hi Cory! I just joined as well in hopes of talking to someone who knows what I am going through. I just lost my Dad last month and I just feel so lost. I am so sorry for your loss.
  13. Brenian

    Lost my Dad

    Hi all my name is Bren and I lost my Dad to cancer about a month ago. I feel so lost even though I seem to have it together on the surface. I was by his side through his 5 month journey and was there holding his hand when he passed. I am hurting so bad….
  14. Kristal

    Losing My Grandfather

    Im so sorry for your loss, i know exactly what your feeling. I lost my mom and grandma a month apart. i'm still grieving a year 1/2 later. Please know you are not alone. Prayers
  15. Hello, my name is Kayla Yates I'm 18 years old. I have decided to join this group in hopes of finding people who can understand what i am going through, where I can receive advice and if anyone would just like to talk and connect I am here. no one should have to grief alone. My grandfather was my best friend. He was my entire heart. Growing up my father wasn't in my life so my grandfather took the title and became my dad. in January I got news my grandfather would be put on hospice due to a heart attack he was on hospice for 25 days until he passed january 26. losing him ive lost apart of myself and do not know how to continue in daily life because he was by my side through it all.
  16. esmartin28

    losing my mom

    august 1 is my moms birthday. august 1 of 2018 i sat in the hospital with my mom alone watching her leave me. i never left i stayed by her side the whole time. My brother, aunt, uncle, and grandpa got there at 9am and left around 3pm knowing she was gonna make it. i watch them all walk out and leave. i was up all night with my mom. At 5:27 am August 2 2018 she took her last breathe. Worse day of my life. and i didnt have my mom anymore i didnt care about much. i started using drugs, i sold drugs, i push away my true friends i quit my jobs, i got into alot of trouble. now im at a treatment center and i been sober for a lil over 4 months. im learning how to live life sober and coping with my moms death.
  17. My mom died of cancer last week, my ex died from drugs, and I lost a friend I dearly loved but not through death. It’s so much grief I can barely breathe. I’m not interested in anything except sleeping. I also struck out at my ex’s family as well as my friend and I really regret doing that. I don’t know how to cope and I don’t really have anyone to talk to where I live, which is why I’m on here. Three people in three days is gut wrenching.
  18. I am so sorry for your loss and can relate totally to what you are saying. My husband of almost 34 years passed April 26 and I know that empty feeling you have inside-it doesn't go away. Like you, a caretaker for the last 15 years and I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. Even with all of his health issues, he still tried to remain positive and still encourage me. Which in turn, I kept telling him to hang in there for me and our little fur baby. Many days he would say he was hanging on for us but didn't know how much longer he could deal with the suffering. Hated hearing the part of his suffering which selfishly I kept telling him I would help him feel better in whatever way possible. I knew there was going to be a huge void w/o him here and there is. It's worse than I ever imagined. Some days are more overwhelming than others and the reality of him never coming back is painful.
  19. Omw92

    I'm not that strong

    Sorry for your loss. I loss my gran on 7/24/21 and there is never a day that I don’t miss her. Sometimes I call her home number because we use to talk daily. Don’t really know what to say other than I can relate.
  20. annie123

    Lost my 11 yr old son 3/25/21

    I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. My thoughts and prayers are with you. May God comfort you.
  21. Recently lost my son in an unexpected traumatic event at the beach. It’s been very hard I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. My husband my daughter and I witnessed his accidental choking and could not save him. He was without oxygen for too long and was declared brain dead. I’ve been in denial and have been feeling a lot of guilt and have been questioning why everyday. It’s been a nonstop cycle. He was always the comedian and the life of the party. He was the main character in everyone’s life he came across. It makes it hard to believe this is real because the main character doesn’t die. He was only 11 but definitely an old soul. I really believe the Lord takes the best.
  22. My Big Mo

    Guilt and grief-please reply

    My husband of 40 years passed away on April 2, 2021 after a 18 month long terminal illness. He had several hospital stays that were very traumatic-a perfectly normal person got hospital induced dementia that took quite a while to bounce back from. In the last month of his life, doctors were very anxious for him to go back to the hospital to help balance out his fluid levels-he did not want to go so we started the tests outpatient. He was very weak and collapsed and died at our front door when we got back from his last ultrasound. Not a moment goes by that I don't think-"what if..." fill in the blanks. It has been heartbreaking and now I am finding I am able to write more of the story-if we had taken him to the hospital: I would not have been with him due to new covid restrictions and he would have been alone, the fluid rebalancing would likely have been short lived as it had been in the past, his physical suffering and mental anguish would have continued. I also understand that this guilt is part of grieving as we use it to not start the grieving process and to defer acceptance that we have lost a loved one. In the last month I have found that grief is not linear-I am a pinball in a pinball machine, some minutes I know which way the ball is going, other times I am bouncing from side to side uncontrollably. For now we need to try to not be so hard on ourselves and try to have that inner voice use language that we would use with a friend in the same situation.
  23. Hello all, I am new to this site; I am looking for ways to help me through the grieving process of losing my dad. I unexpectedly lost my father December 19, 2020. I have been filled with grief, pain, sadness, anger, and fear since he took his own life 4 months ago. My father struggled with mental illness for most of his life. My father’s side of the family, has struggled with mental illness most of their lives as well. My father’s father (my grandfather) took his own life (intentional death by police shooting) when his children were young, between the ages of 6-12 years old. My father, his siblings and his mother (my grandmother, aunts, and uncles) have carried the terrible and tragic loss of their father their entire lives. The pain I feel for the loss of my father and the struggles he has gone through is immense. I struggle with anxiety myself, similar to my father and his family members. My father and I had rough patches throughout our lives and our relationship. In the last year before he passed, he and I were working towards mending our relationship. We were working together to gain clarity, to gain understanding, knowledge, of ways to work with and embrace the stress in our lives. To share our pain, to help guide each other to more positive outlooks of life. During his lifetime, there was not always the understanding and help available to people with mental illness. As I was growing up, I remember different hospital visits where they were trying to "help" or "fix" my father. They did shock treatments, and many different types of medications to try to ease his suffering and pain of depression, anxiety, and bi-polar disorder. As a teenager and now as an adult I have been through things with my father that most will hopefully never experience. Moments when dad was struggling, when he was hospitalized during times in his life where is mental illness was out of control. Being in a hospital room with my dad, the man I looked up to and loved the most. Seeing him lose the clarity of reality when his mental illness was taking over him. He would be in a place where he did not recognize people or situations for what they truly were. In high school, before I (or anyone else) fully understood the severity of his mental illness, dad disappeared for 3-4 days. This is when his mental illness was discovered to not only be anxiety and depression but also bi-polar. Dad had a manic episode and this is why he disappeared. No one could get ahold of him, knew where he was, if he was okay, or alive. After days of hearing nothing my dad called me. He was in another state, telling me he was doing everything he could to get back home to me. He eventually made it back into our home town where he was stopped by police and brought to a place to be cared for. Later in my adult life, there was a time he was in a hospital, and I cannot remember exactly how or why he was there. But I was there with him, through it all. I had stepped out for lunch and was gone for maybe 5-10 minutes when I received a phone call from the hospital that multiple security guards, nurses, and doctors were in his room because he had become violent and confused. When I arrived back within a few minutes of the call, he yelled at me and told me I was conspiring against him with the doctors and nurses, that they were trying to hurt him, not help him. I sat down next to him with all of these people in his room standing around and watching everything unfold. I had to calm him, reach out to him and try to help him understand that we were all there to help him. He eventually calmed down and we were able to move forward with trying to get him the help he needed in that time. Situations like that started giving me a different view of my father, I was a daddy's girl my entire life. And seeing him so lost and confused was one of the most heartbreaking experiences of my adult life, until now. The pain, the struggle, the illness that eventually ended my father’s life is now what I am left with. These moments in time where we tried to help, tried to make things better, this is what I am left with, knowing that it was not enough to overcome his own demons. Growing up and realizing I have the same issues with depression and anxiety, I tried to find my own way of coping with those demons. I have found meditation, my own form of yoga, journaling, and trying to live a healthier lifestyle is what works best for me. My father had not tried my methods for trying to heal so we had started the conversation about him trying some of my coping mechanisms. He was trying to eat better, exercise, and spend time with family. I know that I was trying to help him work through his own demons just as I was doing for myself. However, in this deep dark part of me, I tell myself it wasn't enough. I wonder if there was more I could have done, something I could have said differently, more time I could have spent with him. The what ifs are never ending in the scenario of how I could have tried harder to save my father from his demons. I am struggling friends; I have lost 15-20 pounds since the passing of my dad. Most days I struggle to eat, I struggle to give myself self-love and care, I struggle with large amounts of stress that are deteriorating my body and my quality of life. For the most part since my father passed away roughly four months ago, I have struggled every day. I have made myself busy to keep some of the pain at bay, to distance myself from it. The act of grieving, feeling the pain, sadness and loss is so much to bear. It has been easier for me to look past it, rather than deal with it. I know that I need to grieve and cope. But allowing the full pain and sadness to come through is so overwhelming. Any comments, wisdom, replies, advice is greatly appreciated and valued.
  24. I keep waking up early and the emotions hit me hard. We got my dads Ashe she the other day and that was a huge trigger. I felt like I did something wrong by letting them cremate him. When I saw him at the hospital, I had this intense urge to yell at the doctor and tell them they had to done enough. To come fix him. When I got his ashes, it almost felt the same. I was almost his caregiver, and he looked to me to help. He asked me for help when he wasn’t feeling well and I did everything I thought was right at that moment but I didn’t help him like he wanted. I keep going back and wondering what if I did this and what if I did that. If covid wasn’t around would I have taken him to a hospital? In the months leading to his heart attack, I would try to get him to stop smoking. I’d try to get him to eat better and we’d try walks. It felt like I had horribleness anxiety around losing him ever since covid started and sometimes I blame myself for that. I blame myself for quarantining him, wondering if I didn’t need do that would I have seen the heart attack sooner. His last day he spent alone in his room because of me. At night he was really hurting And I was up listening and checking on him. But it doesn’t feel like enough because it wasn’t enough. My brother said, “we shouldve just taken him to a hospital when he wasn’t feeling well”, and that triggered me a lot also. I just feel like this was my responsibility and I let him down. I’m not a doctor, I keep getting told. I did what I thought was right in the moment, I keep getting told. But none of that seems right now. Now when I google things I see the symptoms. I was worried for months he was sick,but I thought it was just my own anxiety. I worried about him and my brother so much after all we’ve been through. I know now there are stages, and my loss just happened under a month ago. But it feels like the guilt stage is never ending. I want to believe that his is not my fault. I want to believe even if i had gotten him to a hospital it may not have turned out ok still. I want to believe there was nothing more I could could’ve done. That’s just impossible right now. My friends who supported me are now back to work, back to their lives where all their loved ones are living. And I’m here, crying, trying to reach out but everyone I see asleep to rest for their next day. This just sucks so bad. My dad wouldn’t want me blaming myself. He’d tell me not to worry, he always did tell me that. He’d tell me that we didn’t know. If I knew he was that I’ll, the entire day would’ve been different. The entire year would’ve been different. I guess sometimes I feel I can be in control of things I really am not in control of. Being the mom since I was 15, when my own mom died, probably has left me with some ideas that just aren’t true. I just feel like I spent the entire year anxious and scared to lose him. I didn’t hug him as much because I was working outside the house and didn’t want to expose him. I’d watch tv and eat dinner in my room instead of with him because I wanted that time but I always thought I should eat with him. I did, just not enough. Like I said, I’m told no matter what it would never feel enough. But I just want to know these feelings I’m not alone in. It would help if someone else was feeling the guilt I am. Thanks for reading.
  25. Yorkshirelass

    I'm not that strong

    Thank you, I pray you have that relationship. My gran passed away last Thursday morning and the grief ebbs and flows, sometimes I'm calm and I pray , other times I burst. What a massive loss, we're all broken. May god bless her soul and look after her x
  26. Raisha

    I'm not that strong

    How beautiful your relationship must be with her to feel so deeply. I'm sorry for your sadness and your loss. Sending you a hug and letting you know I appreciate what you have shared. It gives me inspiration to how it may be possible to have such a connection with my one year old granddaughter.

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