I tried the world of online dating. Really, I'm just not ready. I'd like to say I am ready, but the fact is I'm not. Its like I can't relax, I compare them to my husband, I try to force being nice or pleasant. I've tried the idea of meeting guys that that are "new" or at least different from what I would usually be interested in. Out of all the guys I've talked to or met (and that's not many I've met) only one is actually interesting.

I don't want to force myself to do this. If I'm not ready, I'm not ready.

Yes I miss my husband. Its been a year and half, and maybe I'm really not quite where I think I should be. Maybe I'm pushing it. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe I'm sabotaging myself because I really shouldn't be doing this. Maybe I should drop the should be.

I miss the relationship I had with him. I miss holding him. I miss kissing him. I miss having my arms around him. I miss having my husband. I miss his being next to me, feeling his arms around me, the affection we had.

For all these reason I told myself to try online dating. Its really a bad idea. I realize I really don't want my missing him to lead me to making a mistake, or leading me to desperation. There's too many guys out there looking for one night stands, looking to control women, looking for booty calls. I miss having a special someone in my life, I really do. But now is not the time, and this is definitely not the way. Someday I will hopefully find someone to spend time with. Someone that cares about me. But after 6 months of trying this, I'm pulling myself off online dating. Someday, but that day is not here right now.

What does this have to do with my grieving? We don't and shouldn't give ourselves a time line. We shouldn't think "I give myself this much time, then I need to move on". It will take what it takes. Don't let grieving lead to desperation or desperate acts just because you're lonely. Being lonely is better than making mistakes.