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CatL

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Nights


CatL

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There I was, lying in bed reading a book. I turn to DH to tell him about a passage. Then BAM, I'm just crying my eyes out because he's not there, and never will be again. All I could do was just cry and call out his name. I'm sitting here crying as I write this. There a part of me that goes "suck it up buttercup", but that's not working. Its been over a year now, and there's things I'm getting better at. My garden is doing better. I'm better at cooking for myself and making sure I eat. I've even begun taking care of some things in the house I've been neglecting. So I tell myself I'm doing better. I tell myself I can get thru this. I tell myself I'll be okay, that I am okay.

And then something happens, nothing happens, and it hits me all over how totally alone I am. Yes, I still have my dogs, but they are a poor substitute for my husband.

I tell myself to try dating. I even signed up on a dating website. A few of the people have seemed nice. Some have been really not what I would even want to date. One guy, basically my age, retiring this year, said his big plan for retiring was to go watch a little league baseball game. One game. Not a season of watching baseball. Not his kids games, his kids are grown. I felt sad for him. One guy was looking for a "discreet relationship", he wants an affair. Some seemed to take offense at my questions. I would ask them about something in their profile. I guess they didn't really expect someone to actually read what they said. Some guys put up pictures of young half naked women as their profile pictures - what's with that. And these guys want a date?? Some flat out say they want someone gorgeous - at least they're honest. But these are guys 60-75 years old. They're not exactly good looking, hot sexy hunks anymore. But some have even said let's get together, and I don't even know anything about them. I think they're just looking for a hook up, quick sex, boot call - call it what you want. But it's not happening. 

And so i still find myself alone. Without my husband. With just my dogs for company.

And I want my husband back.

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Amyjohnfolkers

Posted

Me too , all I want is my husband back, don’t want to live anymore,what’s the point 

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realdonna

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feel the same....what's the point...nothing has any joy or meaning without my sweetheart...

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Amyjohnfolkers

Posted

Exactly, life is sucks now, no one will share anything with you, no more restaurants eating together,no more holding hands walking, no more looking into each other’s eyes, all the little, simple things are becoming most painful things, I can’t stand anymore, I just want to die, right now, please just don’t wake up , an other day without my dear husband, and next day every day is gone be the same, why why why why why why, just let me die!

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I want my husband back too.  I would do anything to have him alive and in my arms again, I would never let him go.  I used to tell Jim about my books also.  I woke him up one time giggling about a part in a book and then read it to him and we giggled together.   No more of that.  I wish I would have died with him. 

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