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Writing Helped Me

ModKatB

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When I began this journey I started writing in a journal and it helped me to get thru some of what I was feeling. These are some of the things I have written and shared over the last couple of years.

 

A loved one got their angel wings and it has left a

big hole in my heart. So if I don't want to talk, please

allow me the silence. If I don't want to leave the house,

please allow me my solitude. If I strike out at you, please

allow me my anger. If all I can seem to do is cry, please

allow me my tears. It will take time for me to fill this

empty space left, so please be patient and let me

heal. One day the void that was left will be filled

                                                                                                          with happy memories and my heart be whole again. KB

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When you lose a loved one your world is turned upside down and

there are so many emotions to deal with. People don't know how to

treat you and fear saying or doing the wrong things so they tend not

to come around or call.

I wish they could really and truly understand

that you don't need them to have all the answers. Just be

a friend willing to listen if you need to talk. Maybe just someone to call

or come by for a visit. KB

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Day or night.

Hours or minutes.

None of it matters any more.

Having my heart ripped apart.

I am no longer able to find any peace.

There are too many memories that haunt me.

No matter where or how far I go.

Sadness and pain always find me.

There is no where to hide. KB

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Who am I now that you are gone?

What am I supposed to do with this life?

I did not want to be alone, without you by my side.

How can I take one more step or one more breath?

It hurts more than anything I have ever felt before.

This can't be happening, maybe it is just a dream.

No this is my reality, my new way of life.

I would give all I have just to have you back.

There is nothing for me to hold onto since you are gone.

I am just a jumble of emotions and no place to hide. KB

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Darkness haunts me as I try to run away. Can't seem to

find the light no matter where I go. For those who have

never been engulfed by this sadness, you will never

understand. There is a place I go, one inside myself.

No longer able to hide it finds me everywhere. It

chases me even as I sleep. Awake or sound asleep

you follow me. Just waiting to cover me in the darkness

that searches for my soul. My feelings rush ahead and

leave me to doubt the things I feel. I want to find the

light and be able to feel the warmth of being free.

No more sadness, no more anxiety, no more DARKNESS. KB

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There are so many questions but no answers.

So many tears that fall like rain.

Time spent feeling like nothing will never be right again.

You feel like others have forgotten already.

You are expected to just quickly move on.

They need to understand that we are in pain.

We are works in progress and not complete.

This is not something that can be fixed overnight.

No it takes lots of time, patience and understanding. KB

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My heart is broken and my life is a shell of what it used to be.

I am lost and unsure of which way to turn.

It happened so fast and you left me before I could tell you how much

you meant to me. I did not get to say goodbye. How do I move on when

our story was not complete? How do I get past the pain of having you

ripped from my life? I will try to be strong and move on with life. Keeping

my head up and waiting until the time when I will see you again on

on the other side. KB

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The process of grief has no right or wrong way and no particular

order you need to go thru. It is a daily if not hourly journey that we

all have to go thru to get to the other side. I know for me it seems like

I am never going to be able to breathe again. There are so many feelings

all the time, love, hate, fear, anger, sadness, guilt, depression. Then there

are all the questions of why now? why them? how do I go on?

Everyone says it will get better and I know it will but right now it takes

all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. I keep hoping that I

will be able to feel the warmth of the sunshine soon and have it be

where I can make it thru to where I want to live again. KB

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All of this is so hard, not knowing how to feel.

Emotions going from happy to sad and back again.

Feeling like a ping pong ball, hit from one side then the other.

I am damaged from such intense pain and fear.

Not understanding why I have to be here alone without you.

Feeling like my life is not worth living but knowing I must continue on.

Looking for something that will give me hope for tomorrow.

Wanting to see rays of sunshine, not just tears that fall like rain.

Knowing deep down inside that you would not want me to give up.

So I am going to have to find a way to save my sanity.

I will try hard to find a way to move thru all of the pain.

Because I am the keeper of your love and memories. KB

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When I write, the words rush out trying to find their place. Sometimes they are perfect together and other times they make no sense at all.

Feelings of love , hate, sadness, anger, happiness and pure fear.

I am okay, but no I am not. I laugh then cry, scream and then say nothing at all.

When you have a part of you taken away there is no right way to feel.

You never forget but as the time passes the memories stop hurting so much. You learn to live with the pain of what you lost. KB

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There are not enough words to stop the pain of losing a loved one.

To the ones left behind it is like being lost in a storm and trying to

find your way home. No one is ever prepared to have to say

goodbye to someone they love. Someday in the future you will

start to heal and the hole left in your heart will mend itself with

all of the good memories from time spent together. KB

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We may not can take the pain away but we can be there to help you pick up the pieces and help you to slowly put your life back together. Friendship is a port in the storm and a ray of sunshine on the darkest of days. KB

 

Sometimes you don't know how strong you can actually be until something happens that puts you to the test. Have faith that all will be as it should be and don't be afraid to lean on those around you. Love of family and friends along with prayers can work miracles. KB

 

Forever in our hearts and never to be forgotten. We will always have sweet memories and thoughts. All our love till we meet again. There are tears to be shed by those of us that are left behind and it will take time for the sadness to fall away. Just remember them as they were before the illness and know that they are with family that left us in the years past, celebrating their arrival and waiting for the day we will join them. KB

 

In the days to come there will be tears because you miss them and there will be laughter when you remember the good times. As the time goes by I hope that your hearts will begin to heal and that you all will find the strength needed to move forward. KB

Even though the ones you love are gone.You still have all the memories to keep you company. Granted it is not the same as having them with you but it allows you at least a few moments of a smile as you think back on all of the good times. KB

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How do I move on when all I have are questions?

How can I put my life in order when I can't make it thru one day without falling apart?

How can I make sense of what happened when I don't understand any of it?

Anger helps me handle the pain sometimes but then again nothing helps.

I have cried more in the last few weeks and months than anytime in my life.

I feel like my life has been destroyed and I am having have a hard time trying to pick up the pieces of what is have left of my life.

Maybe one day I will be able to read this and not burst into tears.

I need to find a way to get thru this because I don't want to fall into the pit of darkness that can come with depression.

I want to be healthy and happy one day.

It is going to take time but I hope one day soon I will be able to smile and laugh even when I am thinking of you and the love we shared. KB

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One second, one minute.

One hour, one day.

One week, one month.

One year or forever.

I will never forget what I lost.

I have moved on because I had to.

I moved on because the world would not wait.

If waiting here would bring you back,

I would wait here forever.

My memories are kept safe in my heart.

I bring them out to remember you.

I remember always, good or bad.

I want to turn back the clocks and start again.

I want to see your smile, if only for a moment.

I will dry my tears and move on to tomorrow,

knowing that one day I will be with you again.

I won't forget, not now , not forever. KB

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Many times over the years I wondered what life would be like without you.

Now I know and it is only, silence and tears.

Single sets of dishes and only meals for one. No one to ask what's

for dinner tonight, just silence and tears.

Trips to the grocery store and the other things I must do.

Only to return to home to silence and tears.

I don't reach for you at night anymore as I sleep in my single bed.

No waiting for you to join me, only silence and tears.

I am having to learn to live without you.

No more hearing your voice, only silence and tears.

Wondering why I am here and you had to leave me alone.

Trying to figure out this life, of silence and tears.

No joy, no happiness, no desire to even take my next breath.

Nothing to stop the silence and tears.

I would gladly go thru the hard times so you could be by my side.

Anything at all to stop the silence and tears.

Maybe one day my life will be something I don't mind participating in

and not just, silence and tears. KB

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G = Growing

R = Relentless

I = Intense

E = Emotional

F = Feelings

 

No perfect answer!

No magical cure!

Nothing will stop the feelings.

Nothing will stop the tears.

Only time will allow us to replace the pain with precious memories. KB



2 Comments


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As time went by and I was able to see things a bit clearer my writing changed from just being about the pain and anger from losing my husband to me feeling like there is actually hope that I can survive this. Here are some of the more recent things I have written.

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I hope that being able to read things from those of us who are further along in this journey will give hope to those who are just beginning. As I have said many times in the past, there is no timetable for grief and there is no correct way to grieve. We just have to get from one day to the next and hold on to the hope that somewhere down the road things can change for the better.

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At the beginning of this journey.

My mind knows you are gone from this world.

                  BUT THEN

My heart keeps asking me to find you.

My eyes keep watching for you to walk thru the door,

My ears are listening to hear you say “ I love you”.

My hands want to touch you one more time.

My arms are reaching out for another hug.

 

Time passes by as I look and I listen for you.

Then I realize something very important.

You are with me each and every day.

In each and every memory of our time together.

Remembering you and our love will keep you with me, Always.

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Today my love I sat down and thought of you for a while.

Shed a few tears, had a few laughs and even got to smile.

Yes I miss you, but I have all these wonderful memories of you and I.

So I will think of us in love before we had to say goodbye.

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 THE MEMORIES THAT BRING PAIN AND TEARS TODAY, WILL ONE DAY BE THE MEMORIES THAT BRING HAPPINESS AND SMILES.

 

 

 

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