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My Thoughts

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Hope even when things are bad.



I usually don’t tell everyone about all of my past because I am not wanting people to pity me. I was adopted at 3 months old and the person that adopted me promised my birth mother she would take care of me and give me every advantage possible but she lied.


Turns out my adopted mother had lots of problems and the main ones were her drug abuse and her love of abusing me. I was treated as her personal slave and she did not mind beating me when things did not go her way. At 7 years old I was locked in a basement bathroom that was about the size of a 5x8 trailer and no light inside. She left me there for about 3-4 hours and when she came back and found that I had cried myself to sleep on the floor she beat me with the buckle end of a belt. Anything that was handy was used to hit me with. If she did not “sleep” at night neither did I because she wanted me to sit by her bed and god forbid if I happen to fall asleep while she was sleeping. Of course there was all of the verbal abuse that went with the physical. She was very fond of telling me that I was such a worthless piece of **** that my own mother did not want me. Then there was the alcoholic step-father to deal with but at least with him you knew when the blow up was going to happen. 


The one person growing up that I felt loved me was my grandmother and when I was with her things were better except for the old man neighbor that liked to touch me where you shouldn’t be touching a child. So much for growing up in a good home.


Then came adult life and it has been a roller coaster ride. I married my first husband not because I loved him but because I was trying to get away from my adopted mother. Turns out I went from the frying pan into the fire with that one. He was a alcoholic who hid it until we had said I Do and I found out I Didn’t. That marriage lasted 9 months.


Second marriage was because I loved him and things were good for a little while until he used me for his punching bag. His father stepped in and basically threatened him and he stopped the physical abuse but then would use verbal abuse to get the reaction from me. I know people are going to say why didn’t you leave but it isn’t that easy when you have 2 small kids and abuse is all you have known all your life. Eventually we did divorce after almost 10 years together.


It was hard being a single mom and trying to raise my 2 kids better than I had been raised. I did make a promise to myself that I kept no matter what, I never laid a hand on my kids when I was angry because I knew what would happen. I was single for 2 years and not looking to go down that road again until I met my 3rd husband.


Our story is like a fairytale and it happened very quickly. I met him thru mutual friends because my car broke down and they said we know someone with a tow truck. He came and picked up my car and so it began. I was at his home because he lived next door to my friends and it was around 9pm and I had a headache. I didn’t have anything to take and asked him if he did and he said no he didn’t. He then got up and put on shoes and grabbed his keys and told me he would be back in a minute. When he came back he handed me a bottle of tylenol and a rose. He stole my heart that night and I made the decision right then to give it a chance. We moved in together after 4 days and got married after knowing each other for 4 months. When he died in 2018 we had just celebrated 21 years of marriage in Oct. 2017. He was the love of my life and treated me like I was the most special person in the world. As a stepfather my kids could have not had anyone any better and they will tell you that they knew he loved them.


Having him in my life was a blessing and I will always remember those years as the best years of my life. Granted we argued like any couple and neither of us was perfect but we were perfect together. I also felt very lucky because I started to have lots of health issues and he was with me every time I had to go have a procedure done. In fact 2 weeks after I moved in with him I had to have major surgery. He called his mom and got her to come take care of my kids while I was in the hospital and then take care of all of us until I was back on my feet. 


Just to let you know the medical list is kind of long. I have had 8 surgeries, 4 serious medical procedures and one of those was for skin cancer. There are also several conditions which I will have for life and take meds for but no need to go into lots of gory details.


In the last 2 years I have had to deal with my husband getting sick and us being told he had stage 4 colon, liver and lung cancer and then he passed away 1 month later. During him being sick I also had to deal with selling our home. The start of that process was done before we knew he was sick. After he died I had to pack up my home and move to another state to live with my daughter because I had nowhere to go. I am thankful she and her husband gave me a place to live. 


So I have been stumbling along dealing with the grief of losing my husband and learning how to live without him. It has been just over 2 years now and I am getting on my feet and finding out that I can do this one step at a time and that while I still miss him and would give anything to have him back, I am doing okay. The medical issues continue and recently I had a very scary experience being told that I could die if I did not get the proper treatment for an issue. Thank goodness I was able to get it all taken care of and am on the way to a full recovery. Bad thing is it happened during all of this mess with the virus going around. But here I am still kicking and complaining and crying and laughing and a host of other emotions.


I am writing all of this because I want people to have HOPE that they can survive and that there will be better days in the future. I have lived thru so many things that you should not have to deal with but I have managed to make it thru it all. I do understand that life is not easy and some of us can handle some things a little easier than others, but you are stronger than you think. My granny used to tell me that when you get to the end of your rope you have to tie a knot in it and hang on. So tie that knot and hang on because one day it will get better, not perfect but better.

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Hope is like the stars up in the sky. Always there even if you can't see it.

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