Its March and I'm dreading this month and next. This is the year anniversary of my DH fall, the fall that began his quick and untimely demise. Its like I feel it more now. The memories come back, during the day, and at night in my dreams. Its more like a slow moving nightmare than just a dream. It hits me, at all the wrong times. Its like suddenly a memory just flits across, unbidden, whether I want it or not. I wondered how I would feel. How I would take this time.
The first year, the year of firsts. The first holidays, the first Christmas, the first Thanksgiving, the first birthday for both of us. What makes it hard for me is that DH died eight days after our anniversary. And that is coming up. Its like I dread it. I'm not really sure what to do. How do you act, do you celebrate your anniversary alone? Especially knowing that just a week later is the anniversary of his death, how do I handle our wedding anniversary?
I don't know.
The loss of him hits me more now that it has for a while. I've been finally handling it better, at least I thought I had. I'm not crying as much. I can drive at least some, but I still can't listen to music while I drive. I've even tried to meet a few people. I've attended a couple of community events and I've done okay. It may not seem like much but it is. I know it is. Its like the beginning of getting a life, of living a life.
I know that the grief can feel crushing, overwhelming, all encompassing. And those words still seem inadequate to describe how I feel. The nights when I reach for him. The times I wear his shirts, his jackets, as a kind of comfort. Sometimes doing that makes me feel closer to him. Its helps me. And doing it comforts me, and makes life a little bit easier.
But the anniversary, that's different. How do I handle it? I'm not even sure how I feel about it, how to describe how I feel. The longing, still feeling the loss not just of him, but of his love, his presence, his comfort, that feeling that all is well in the world, that we together are whole - its gone, and this anniversary just emphasizes the loss.
I know I'll get through it, somehow. I'll make it past this time. I may never feel quite the wholeness I once felt, but a scar of sorts will develop.
One thing I know, is DH wanted/wants me to live. So my job is to live my life. When the day comes, and we're back together some where in the afterlife, I want to have stories to tell him. Stories of what I did, of my adventures. Yes, I may find someone to spend time with. I may find companionship, friendship, and I believe DH won't hold it against me. I believe he wants me to live, and its my job to do that. So I have to find a way through this. It may be difficult, but i have to make it a reality.