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OSL

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Waiting


OSL

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I'm sharing this because maybe it will make it more real. I still feel like I'm in a nightmare. Kind of like this situation isn't real. I was shown in counselling the "wave" of grief. My conscious mind won't even let me hit the peak of "said" wave. I'm just a surfer out on a calm day....waiting....waiting for the water break. Preparing myself for the ultimate wave to come, knowing I'm going to fall and break myself when it comes. I'm not sure whats worse. The anticipation or the actual scenario. It hurts pretty bad waiting. I keep seeing a wave start to roll in but, it seems to dissipate before it gets to me. My body, mind and soul seems to have an effect on whether I get to ride this or not. For that matter, "The Big 3" seem to be controlling the waves. It's kind of weird how fight or flight instincts work. It scares me to my core. Can I really not handle this? I mean, to the point that ancient DNA reactivates to protect me from the inevitable? Am I going to be prepared for the inevitable outcome of this bizarre dreamlike state I'm stuck in?
I suppose I should explain myself. I'm 37 years old. I lost my mother who was 60 herself. This isn't a tragic story. It's a stupid thing that happened...that happens to millions of people every year. To be exact, an estimated 1.35 million people a year die on roadways globally.
My mother, exactly one month ago, lost the lottery. She was just on her way home from work and the roads were slippery. The oncoming truck slipped on the corner speeding up for a speed change while she was slowing down. She drove a 2003 GMC Yukon...not a small car, safe you would think even. Still made of steel and big, right? Wrong. Turns out, all of that joking around I've done about the F150's "HIGH-STRENGTH, MILITARY-GRADE, ALUMINUM-ALLOY BODY" wasn't so funny after all.
She died and he went to the hospital with minor injuries after losing control and driving up the driverside of her SUV. The pictures that I have seen of his truck, well, I'm appalled he's even alive as well. He rolled, she didn't. There was nothing left of the cab of his truck, hers was just crushed in. It's just stupid. He was probably just on his way to work and she on her way home. No speeding. No disrespect for the road. Just a stupid accident that no one ever thinks will happen to them. For crying out loud, I have a higher risk of dying being a haul truck driver for a living(2 story house of a truck that hauls upwards of 400 metric tons of material down mountain sides)  than she did as a lab tech yet, here we are.
Maybe that's why my real wave hasn't come. I just can't believe how stupid this is. It's so stupid it can't be real. It's just plain ridiculous. But this happens to 1.35 MILLION families each year.
I kept asking her over the last decade or so, "When do you actually feel like an adult?" She would say, "You don't." I never believed her. When I hit 27 I thought, maybe 30. When I hit 30 I thought, maybe 35. When I hit 35 I thought maybe 40. Now I'm 37 and don't even feel like a teenager navigating the scary world anymore. Now I feel like a scared 4 year old girl who is just lost looking for her Mom. I feel like I will find her, because I always do. It's just scary right now but, I'm calm and looking for her crazy frizzy hair in Sears. And that's exactly it. I feel like I just lost track of her. Not that shes actually gone for good.
So now as they say in the grief counselling, meetings, blogs, and books, the world has kept spinning. For me? My world is exactly what they say, standing still. Stuck on January 18th, 2021 at 7:30am EST,  when she was still alive in the world and just leaving work to head home. I feel the patience wearing thin with my fiancee. He's over this. He's really over me not being me. I dare not take anymore time off of work. My Dad and brothers are so heartbroken I can barely manage to get a word out of my mouth for fear of them knowing how shattered I really am. I don't want them to worry about me because I'm more worried about them. I care not to burden the 3 friends I do have who, have their own battles to fight. So the rest of the world turns and mine is obliterated.
 I don't feel lonely, I just feel scared. I am afraid of the storm that's about to hit. I had assumed I would get the time that other's are afforded. To come to terms and say goodbye. Not that I wished illness or suffering on her, like I watched my grandparents go through. Or that I think it would have been easier. I just assumed I had some time. Time to plan a wedding with her. Time to get more recipes. Time to learn more. Time for more hugs. More laughs. More crafts. More clothes. More food. More...stuff. It turns out, I didn't.
I hope she was proud of me. I hope I made her laugh enough. I hope I hugged her enough. I hope that I listened to her enough. I hope I was there for her enough. I hope she knew how much she means to me. I hope she knew that I forgave her for past turmoil and, that I have always been incredibly regretful for causing her turmoil in return. I hope she knew she was my North Star. I hope she knew she was an amazing mom. Most of all I really hope she knew how much I love her. I love her with every single fiber of my being and I feel like I've lost a limb.
What I wouldn't give for her reassuraI'm sharing this because maybe it will make it more real. I still feel like I'm in a nightmare. Kind of like this situation isn't real. I was shown in counselling the "wave" of grief. My concious mind won't even let me hit the peak of "said" wave. I'm just a surfer out on a calm day....waiting....waiting for the water break. Preparing myself for the ultimate wave to come, knowing I'm going to fall and break myself when it comes. I'm not sure whats worse. The anticipation or the actual scenario. It hurts pretty bad waiting. I keep seeing a wave start to roll in but, it seems to dissipate before it gets to me. My body, mind and soul seems to have an effect on whether I get to ride this or not. For that matter, "The Big 3" seem to be controlling the waves. It's kind of weird how fight or flight instincts work. It scares me to my core. Can I really not handle this? I mean, to the point that ancient DNA reactivates to protect me from the inevitable? Am I going to be prepared for the inevitable outcome of this bizzare dreamlike state I'm stuck in?
I suppose I should explain myself. I'm 37 years old. I lost my mother who was 60 herself. This isn't a tragic story. It's a stupid thing that happened...that happens to millions of people every year. To be exact, an estimated 1.35 million people a year die on roadways globally.
My mother, exactly one month ago, lost the lottery. She was just on her way home from work and the roads were slippery. The oncoming truck slipped on the corner speeding up for a speed change while she was slowing down. She drove a 2003 GMC Yukon...not a small car, safe you would think even. Still made of steel and big, right? Wrong. Turns out, all of that joking around I've done about the F150's "HIGH-STRENGTH, MILITARY-GRADE, ALUMINUM-ALLOY BODY" wasn't so funny after all.
She died and he went to the hospital with minor injuries after losing control and driving up the driverside of her SUV. The pictures that I have seen of his truck, well, I'm appaulled he's even alive as well. He rolled, she didn't. There was nothing left of the cab of his truck, hers was just crushed in. It's just stupid. He was probably just on his way to work and she on her way home. No speeding. No disrespect for the road. Just a stupid accident that no one ever thinks will happen to them. For crying out loud, I have a higher risk of dying being a haul truck driver for a living(2 storey house of a truck that hauls upwards of 400 metric tons of material down mountain sides)  than she did as a lab tech yet, here we are.
Maybe that's why my real wave hasn't come. I just can't believe how stupid this is. It's so stupid it can't be real. It's just plain ridiculous. But this happens to 1.35 MILLION families each year.
I kept asking her over the last decade or so, "When do you actually feel like an adult?" She would say, "You don't." I never believed her. When I hit 27 I thought, maybe 30. When I hit 30 I thought, maybe 35. When I hit 35 I thought maybe 40. Now I'm 37 and don't even feel like a teenager navigating the scary world anymore. Now I feel like a scared 4 year old girl who is just lost looking for her Mom. I feel like I will find her, because I always do. It's just scary right now but, I'm calm and looking for her crazy frizzy hair in Sears. And that's exactly it. I feel like I just lost track of her. Not that shes actually gone for good.
So now as they say in the grief counselling, meetings, blogs, and books, the world has kept spinning. For me? My world is exactly what they say, standing still. Stuck on January 18th, 2021 at 7:30am EST,  when she was still alive in the world and just leaving work to head home. I feel the patience wearing thin with my fiancee. He's over this. He's really over me not being me. I dare not take anymore time off of work. My Dad and brothers are so heartbroken I can barely manage to get a word out of my mouth for fear of them knowing how shattered I really am. I don't want them to worry about me because I'm more worried about them. I care not to burden the 3 friends I do have who, have their own battles to fight. So the rest of the world turns and mine is obliterated.
 I don't feel lonely, I just feel scared. I am afraid of the storm that's about to hit. I had assumed I would get the time that other's are afforded. To come to terms and say goodbye. Not that I wished illness or suffering on her, like I watched my grandparents go through. Or that I think it would have been easier. I just assumed I had some time. Time to plan a wedding with her. Time to get more recipes. Time to learn more. Time for more hugs. More laughs. More crafts. More clothes. More food. More...stuff. It turns out, I didn't.
I hope she was proud of me. I hope I made her laugh enough. I hope I hugged her enough. I hope that I listened to her enough. I hope I was there for her enough. I hope she knew how much she means to me. I hope she knew that I forgave her for past turmoil and, that I have always been incredibly regretful for causing her turmoil in return. I hope she knew she was my North Star. I hope she knew she was an amazing mom. Most of all I really hope she knew how much I love her. I love her with every single fiber of my being and I feel like I've lost a limb.
What I wouldn't give for her reassurance right now. For her criticism. For her laugh. For her remedies. Most of all, just a hug. No one can make this better. This is forever. My compass is gone and I am lost for now. I know that time will dull this pain but I haven't even hit the peak, nor do I see it in sight.
So now I wait in tense, but conscious silence. The warm salt water lapping on my thighs as I uncomfortably brace myself on a surfboard. No life preserver this time. I take deep steady breaths of the salty humid air.My awareness is set on where the sky meets the water. I wait for my wave to come in. Until then, the best I can do is honor her by using the strength she gave me. To ride that wave when it does come and remember, there's 1 million people beside me.

 

 

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