Oh Sweetheart, how did we make it to 90 days already? I still feel like it's been a few days. The first two weeks were blur where I barely remember anything at all. I do remember the kindness of everyone who reached out by sending texts, making calls, arranging for the delivery of flowers, and the sending of cards. These days very few reach out. Friends and family have fallen back into their routines and I don't blame them as they say "call if you need anything." I don't call.
I finished the book my grief counselor said would help. It seems that as I did finish reading it I seem to have a better understanding of my grief. The book is supposed to help me find meaning in your death and to find meaning in my life now that you are not in it (at least no physically). I am struggling with that because although I don't want to suffer with the pain of losing you I also can't seem to shake these deeply rooted feelings of despair.
I don't know what comes after life. I am holding no to the belief that you are in a better place. A place that provides you access to me so that you can be near me whenever you want. I think that where you are time is different. The book kept repeating that your life ended not our love for each other. I get sort of angry because I didn't want your life to end. I didn't want to lose the ability to touch you. To hear your opinions - even to argue with you over forks left in the sink.
I never ever wanted to miss looing into your blue eyes or to be able to hold your strong hands. Do you miss me? Can you see me suffering?
I haven't been taking the dogs f walks like I did when you first passed. I have been selfish and have been barely getting out of bed. My mind feels fragile. Like I could snap or break at any moment. I am told to take care of myself and to lean into my feelings as they come up. Right now I am numb. I mean I get that you are not here. I get that you won't ever be here again. It just seems that my mind is not connecting the dots as to what that really means. I still feel like I am your girl. I still feel like you are my man. When I think of all you did in our last days together I cannot help but love you more.
You tried to take care of me. You did everything in your limited power to take care of me. You knew you wouldn't be around much longer but I doubt you knew that you were going to be leaving me as soon as you did. I promised you that when you were in the hospital I would take you home and I am sorry I could not keep that promise. I didn't know that was going to happen. I thought you would get better and maybe even be able to walk more. Or at least be more active.
You once told me (when I asked) that you thought your best days were behind you. It hurt me because I have been waiting for my best days. Now that you are gone maybe my best days are behind me too. I thought we would travel more and build our own home that would our sanctuary with our two dogs. I thought we would have holiday parties and make memories with friends and family and now I am in a state where I know a few friends, have no family, and I have YOU to grieve.
You once said to be happy, that things would get good for me, and that i should let someone take care of me. How can I do any of that with your big shoes left behind to fill. I know you thought you didn't do all you could for me but what you didn't realize was how much I loved you and ow much I saw in you. I wish you could have seen yourself through my eyes. Even as you got sicker you were still the strongest man I have ever known. You were MY man. I wanted and need you. I still do. You are forever the love of my life. How am I supposed to find someone else? I don't want to. I want you. I want to hold YOUR hand. I want to hug YOU. I want to kiss YOU on our wedding day. It's coming up you know...we are about a month away from our wedding date - or what would have been our wedding date.
I am pen to continuing to live. I am open to forever feeling the loss and emptiness. I am also open to joining you. I am scared of death. I am scared of whatever is beyond this life but I want to be with you again. I want to be with you. Honey, I love you now and always. The love I have for you is very real and very deep. It doesn't just subside as time goes on. In fact my love for you got bigger since May 6th. Has your love for me gotten bigger? Will we see each other again?