Although it's been eighty seven days since you passed, I am still in disbelief. How is it that I have made through these days and nights without you? Oh honey, I miss you so much. I know it sounds material but this is a material world and I miss the tangible things about you. I miss seeing you. I miss holing your hand. I miss your hugs (I felt I was so safe). You were my home.
I feel so cheated. We were supposed to be getting married in a month. Now I am trying to learn to what purpose in life I serve. I was your caretaker in the end. You were mine int he beginning. We made it through the good and the bad - the rich and the poor times. We took care of each other and now I am alone in that way. I am scared of life without you.
You were diagnosed with lung disease on January 1, 2020. We spent days driving to doctors appointments. I spent hours on the phone to connect with doctors and medical supply companies. At some point we learned that you had pulmonary fibrosis and were down to 20% of your lung capacity. I know you were suffering more than you let on. You were so brave to try to act tougher so that I didn't fall apart. I am sorry for the times I got frustrated and told you how alone and stressed I was. You had enough to worry about.
lived to make you meals and to take care of you. For six months I thought I could fight hard enough to get you a lung transplant so that I could be selfish on hold on to you. I knew you did to want the transplant and would not enjoy life if you allowed me to convince you to do it. You were in misery. I was too. I think we coped the best we could.
On May 6th 2020 two of your hospice nurses came to help you be more comfortable. They had you on two oxygen machines. They could get your SATS up so they sent you to the hospital. Due to covid I was unable to be with you when you were alert. When I finally go a call that you were unresponsive it was about 10 pm. I went to ICU and ran to the sliding doors. They didn't open and I had this panic in my stomach that was telling me to run. I saw the ER entrance and began to run towards the red letters but saw a hospital worker walking. I ran over to him and although I forgot exactly what was said I know he felt my sense of urgency. I remember telling him that I thought you were going to die. He prayed to God and as he let me into the building he gave me a hug. That man was so kind - an angel in disguise.
I made it to your room and was stunned. You looked pale and so much thinner than you had only hours before. I kicked off my shoes and sat on the bed with you. I held you and told you was sorry. I told I loved you and that you didn't have to fight and suffer anymore. A times your SATS got better and you would wake up and try to get out of the bed. I don't know if you saw me or knew I was there. I hope you did. The nurse kept giving you ativan and moprhine and finally she said we needed to take you off oxygen. I held you as you fought for your last breaths. I also held for a long time after you were gone.
Your hands got cold and your lips were still in a way I have never seen before. I still held you. I kissed your hand and your lips. I was trying to remember every thing about your physical presence so I could old on to some part of you. I was so scared of leaving you.
Laura took me home and I was in shock. I was tired and confused. "Did that really happen?" I kept asking. It was playing on repeat in my head. The shock helped me to avoid a complete mental breakdown. I grabbed your shirt that had your smell and I slept with it. After that there is a blur of family members coming and going. I cannot fully recount the events of the following two weeks. We were able to get you cremated and returned so that we could have a celebration of life ceremony for you in the black hills on May 12th.
When Everyone left and I was alone...and the silence and stillness set in I tried to stay busy and although I cried a lot I was able to somehow get myself up and out of the house. For some reason NOW I am unable to leave the bed. I only do to take care of the dogs and to do the bare minimum to stay alive. I am having panic attacks and anxiety that lasts all day. My mind is flooded with memories that make my body ache.
Friends and family are concerned but the professional help I am seeking seems to be that of the mindset that I need to be still. Take time to surrender to the feelings and begin to process them. I don't know how to do that. I am so confused. How did this happen? How did we get here? Where are you? Will we ever be reunited? Will I suffer like this until my dying day?
You have ceased to exist in the world I live in and now it feels like a cage. A holding cell. Do you still love me? Are you nearby?