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CatL

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About this blog

Just ramblings

Entries in this blog

Don't date until you're ready

I tried the world of online dating. Really, I'm just not ready. I'd like to say I am ready, but the fact is I'm not. Its like I can't relax, I compare them to my husband, I try to force being nice or pleasant. I've tried the idea of meeting guys that that are "new" or at least different from what I would usually be interested in. Out of all the guys I've talked to or met (and that's not many I've met) only one is actually interesting. I don't want to force myself to do this. If I'm not read

CatL

CatL in Musings

16 months

Its been 16 months since my husband passed. For some reason, okay there are a few good ones, today its just hitting me. Yes, my father passed away recently so maybe that's adding to my feelings. But today its just one of those days. I don't know why I feel like crying. Its sunny outside, the weather has been nice, even the dogs have been fairly good today. But I just feel like crying. Its like this pall of grief, of mourning, of loss that is just enveloping me. I've had no appetite. I've sn

CatL

CatL in Musings

Here we go again

My dear love passed April 2020. Its been 15 months since he passed. Now my father has passed away. Is this the start of another 15 months of grieving? My mother was hospitalized with COVID last night, before my father died. She wasn't told about his passing until today. Will she survive? Will she get out of the hospital? Will we have a double funeral? Or a single funeral? I don't know. But once again I begin a slow process of mourning. What else can I do? Today someone told me God doesn't g

CatL

CatL in Musings

Knife's edge

Sometimes you just don't really realize how much of a knife's edge you're sitting on until something dumb and little happens. This morning I got up, did my normal routine, had my tea, and even did dishes by hand. I had a couple of pans from last night that needed to be washed. And then I noticed it. I had water on the floor. Not too much, but enough to take about 3-4 towels to dry it up. I'm talking towels, not little paper towels. The pipe under the kitchen sink came undone, actually it looks l

CatL

CatL in Musings

Movies

Its sad, maybe even scary. I had some work to do on my laptop, so I turned the TV on. One of my favorite movies came up, Four Weddings and a Funeral. Unfortunately I tuned at at Carrie's wedding, the one where Gareth passes away. So I turned in just in time to watch Gareth die, and watch the funeral. I used to always feel for the poem that is read at the funeral - W.H. Auden, Funeral Blues. If you don't know it, or haven't heard it, find it online and read it. Now I understand the pain of i

CatL

CatL in Musings

Nights

There I was, lying in bed reading a book. I turn to DH to tell him about a passage. Then BAM, I'm just crying my eyes out because he's not there, and never will be again. All I could do was just cry and call out his name. I'm sitting here crying as I write this. There a part of me that goes "suck it up buttercup", but that's not working. Its been over a year now, and there's things I'm getting better at. My garden is doing better. I'm better at cooking for myself and making sure I eat. I've even

CatL

CatL in Musings

That time of year

Well its that time of year. It was almost a year ago that DH passed away. The anniversary of his fall, I just couldn't stop thinking about it. In a few days is our wedding anniversary. Then 8 days later will be one year since he died. I've been dreaming more about him. At least these are not nightmares like some have been. These are more pleasant, more relaxing, more forgiving, and more loving. I'm not sure if its an okay to move on, or what, but I feel better in some ways than I did before. But

CatL

CatL in Musings

Bad days ahead

Its March and I'm dreading this month and next. This is the year anniversary of my DH fall, the fall that began his quick and untimely demise. Its like I feel it more now. The memories come back, during the day, and at night in my dreams. Its more like a slow moving nightmare than just a dream. It hits me, at all the wrong times. Its like suddenly a memory just flits across, unbidden, whether I want it or not. I wondered how I would feel. How I would take this time. The first year, the year

CatL

CatL in Musings

February storm

Here in Texas we've just survived a set of  snow and ice storms. Its the worse weather we've had in decades. We even broke records for snow (7" here), ice, and 6 days (144 hours) of weather 32 or below. I've fared okay, the house is okay, the dogs are okay. Technically I should be fine. Except I've been missing Bill so much. Covid and social distancing has had its own problems. But I realize how close I am to an edge spending a week without being around anybody, I feel like its breaking me.

CatL

CatL in Ramblings

First year ramblings

This is still my year of first. And this first Christmas has been hard. Last year was the first time DH wanted an Xmas tree. I remember us going out, finding a lit artificial tree, and a box of ornaments, everything we needed for a tree. Its been hard to decorate for Xmas this year. A part of me feels almost a betrayal to him to decorate without him, to celebrate without him. I'm trying to enjoy the holiday, but its not easy. I know that for Xmas I can't be here in our house. I just can't. I'm e

CatL

CatL in First Year

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