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Random Ramblings

A blog by jwahlquist in General

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Entries in this blog

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is always something that I have struggled with.   I tend to dwell on things to the point of nearly complete immersion.  But today I read something and it made me realize that the person I am hurting most by not forgiving others is myself.  I allow situations to consume so much of my energy.  I allow the negative emotions to eat away at me and really the person I am hurting the most is myself.   So today, I am choosing to forgive.  Not forget but forgive.  I am going to try and let go
jwahlquist

jwahlquist

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Today I Choose Happiness

Today is a new day.  The sun is shining and the birds are singing.  Today is one of those days where I can be happy.   I don’t have to work and I can just enjoy the day.   Today I am not going to fret and worry over things I cannot change.   I am going to give myself some grace and just be me. No matter what happens next........for today I choose happiness.
jwahlquist

jwahlquist

1

Flawed & Broken

Lately, I have been pondering if I have been so desperate for my life to return to normal that I have created something in my mind and heart that isn’t truly there.   I created this perfect little world in my mind but rather than having a solid foundation as I thought it would........it turns out to be severely flawed.  I know that invariably due to the flawed nature of the human race as a whole that everything has some flaws.   But how many flaws can exists before it all crumbles?   Is there re
jwahlquist

jwahlquist

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Uncertainty

In a life where nothing is promised or certain, how do you learn to trust anyone or anything again?   I am often too trusting and too naive for my own good.   I am honest to a fault.  I believe in the good in people.  I believe they will tell me the truth.   So when they don’t I am left with a level of uncertainty that I don’t know how to process or overcome.   The truth is a precious thing and when one twists it...........it hurts so badly.   Forgiving is a process.......now where to start?
jwahlquist

jwahlquist

2

Common Sense and Commitment

There are so many days where I feel grief has clouded my judgement.   My need to feel acceptance and love trumps my common sense. I know deep down that my course may not be the right one but I keep heading down the path nonetheless.   I am sure my therapist and nearly everyone else would tell me I am acting rashly and irrationally.   So this begs the question.......why?    I feel incomplete on my own.  Often I feel like I am empty.  I guess I am willing to except a half life built upon half trut
jwahlquist

jwahlquist

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This year vs last year

Last year at this time, I was excited to set up my new classroom.  Ryan and Cadie helped me hall things in and make it mine.   Ryan was so proud of me because I had worked long and hard to get a classroom of my own as opposed to sharing one with another teacher.     This year I am facing the start of a year that is nearly impossible.   Special education students for the most part are hands on and need support to be successful.  How can one do that through distance learning?   I am also wi
jwahlquist

jwahlquist

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Today is NOT the Day....

Today is not the day where I am going to be dry eyed and smiling.   It is not the day where I don’t miss Ryan.   It is not the day I have someone to share my grief with.   It is not the day for watching TV because concentrating on anything is just too hard.      Today is a day for tears.  It is a day for loneliness.  It is a day for introspection.  It is a day for wishing like hell it had been me instead.  
jwahlquist

jwahlquist

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Don’t Feel Sorry for Me

I don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me.  I feel sorry enough for myself........anything extra just pushes me over the edge.    Why do I feel sorry for myself?    Let me count the ways..... I lost my best friend.   I lost the one person that kept my world from spinning out of control.       I am now a single parent.    Which is 10 times harder than having someone to help you.    I live in uncertainty daily.   I hate the feeling that so much is out of my control.      I
jwahlquist

jwahlquist

2

Good day or bad day?

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to return to a life where I actually had good days again.    There are some days where the world crashes down around me and I feel like giving up.  There are days that seem designed to drive me crazy.  Then there are days where I miss Ryan so much that it is physically painful.  The question is when will I have a good day again?   Next week, next month, next year or possibly never?    I have almost given up hope of actually being happy again.  There are m
jwahlquist

jwahlquist

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What keeps one going?

Even though I feel like giving up more days than not, I keep going day after day.   I guess my first thought is my daughter and the need to create a will so that she is taken care of.      My next reason is that I met a friend online who is funny, makes me laugh and roll my eyes more than I have in the last 7 months.   Lately, aside from spending time with my daughter and niece, these conversations are the only thing that has brought me a small modicum of comfort and perhaps even happines
jwahlquist

jwahlquist

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Why Me, Why Today?

Why me is one of the things I ask myself daily.   Is there some reason why I have to go through all of this?  Losing my husband, my hot water heater dying the same day, my shower door leaking copiously a few days later, a grieving child who lashes out at me because I am the only one near, my lawn mower dying, losing several chickens, & having to put one of our dogs down.   So far the last 7 months have been more than challenging.  Each day I wake up and ask myself, “What depressing and awful
jwahlquist

jwahlquist

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