This is still my year of first. And this first Christmas has been hard. Last year was the first time DH wanted an Xmas tree. I remember us going out, finding a lit artificial tree, and a box of ornaments, everything we needed for a tree. Its been hard to decorate for Xmas this year. A part of me feels almost a betrayal to him to decorate without him, to celebrate without him. I'm trying to enjoy the holiday, but its not easy. I know that for Xmas I can't be here in our house. I just can't. I'm e
I’m still occasionally vaguely suicidal. It’s not often, it’s not actionable, and I do talk to my therapist about it.
I think this means I’m not past the early grief stage yet.
That’s ok. I’m not in a rush. The last 5 years have been without any kind of road map, so why should that change?
This is the point when I’m grateful that I’m non-theist pagan. I think I’d die of misery if I thought that this whole thing was part of some sadistic higher power’s “great plan” for me and my h
I've been wondering just how long I've been living through various types of grief since the cancer diagnosis in Feb 2015.
There's the obvious "my partner died" grief that's the newest.
There was the end-game grief after he washed out of the trial drugs because the tumor had entered the inferior vena cava and formed a thrombosis. That was partially anticipatory grief, but also loss of the hopes and possibilities for debulking the tumor or surviving 'til CRISPR,
There was the initia
I'm feeling completely overwhelmed right now. I have no immediate family after losing my brother suddenly last year, and my parents several years before that. I have a niece who lives in another state and she's my closest relative. I vacillate between feeling like I have many things to be thankful for and feeling like I'm the only person on the planet who has no family. And truthfully, I don't know anyone else, personally at least, who has no immediate family. The enormity of it hits me at
Forgiveness is always something that I have struggled with. I tend to dwell on things to the point of nearly complete immersion. But today I read something and it made me realize that the person I am hurting most by not forgiving others is myself. I allow situations to consume so much of my energy. I allow the negative emotions to eat away at me and really the person I am hurting the most is myself. So today, I am choosing to forgive. Not forget but forgive. I am going to try and let go
Today is a new day. The sun is shining and the birds are singing. Today is one of those days where I can be happy. I don’t have to work and I can just enjoy the day. Today I am not going to fret and worry over things I cannot change. I am going to give myself some grace and just be me. No matter what happens next........for today I choose happiness.
Lately, I have been pondering if I have been so desperate for my life to return to normal that I have created something in my mind and heart that isn’t truly there. I created this perfect little world in my mind but rather than having a solid foundation as I thought it would........it turns out to be severely flawed. I know that invariably due to the flawed nature of the human race as a whole that everything has some flaws. But how many flaws can exists before it all crumbles? Is there re
In a life where nothing is promised or certain, how do you learn to trust anyone or anything again? I am often too trusting and too naive for my own good. I am honest to a fault. I believe in the good in people. I believe they will tell me the truth. So when they don’t I am left with a level of uncertainty that I don’t know how to process or overcome. The truth is a precious thing and when one twists it...........it hurts so badly. Forgiving is a process.......now where to start?
There are so many days where I feel grief has clouded my judgement. My need to feel acceptance and love trumps my common sense. I know deep down that my course may not be the right one but I keep heading down the path nonetheless. I am sure my therapist and nearly everyone else would tell me I am acting rashly and irrationally. So this begs the question.......why? I feel incomplete on my own. Often I feel like I am empty. I guess I am willing to except a half life built upon half trut
Last year at this time, I was excited to set up my new classroom. Ryan and Cadie helped me hall things in and make it mine. Ryan was so proud of me because I had worked long and hard to get a classroom of my own as opposed to sharing one with another teacher.
This year I am facing the start of a year that is nearly impossible. Special education students for the most part are hands on and need support to be successful. How can one do that through distance learning? I am also wi
Today is not the day where I am going to be dry eyed and smiling. It is not the day where I don’t miss Ryan. It is not the day I have someone to share my grief with. It is not the day for watching TV because concentrating on anything is just too hard.
Today is a day for tears. It is a day for loneliness. It is a day for introspection. It is a day for wishing like hell it had been me instead.
I don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me. I feel sorry enough for myself........anything extra just pushes me over the edge. Why do I feel sorry for myself? Let me count the ways.....
I lost my best friend. I lost the one person that kept my world from spinning out of control.
I am now a single parent. Which is 10 times harder than having someone to help you.
I live in uncertainty daily. I hate the feeling that so much is out of my control.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to return to a life where I actually had good days again. There are some days where the world crashes down around me and I feel like giving up. There are days that seem designed to drive me crazy. Then there are days where I miss Ryan so much that it is physically painful. The question is when will I have a good day again? Next week, next month, next year or possibly never? I have almost given up hope of actually being happy again. There are m
Even though I feel like giving up more days than not, I keep going day after day. I guess my first thought is my daughter and the need to create a will so that she is taken care of.
My next reason is that I met a friend online who is funny, makes me laugh and roll my eyes more than I have in the last 7 months. Lately, aside from spending time with my daughter and niece, these conversations are the only thing that has brought me a small modicum of comfort and perhaps even happines
Why me is one of the things I ask myself daily. Is there some reason why I have to go through all of this? Losing my husband, my hot water heater dying the same day, my shower door leaking copiously a few days later, a grieving child who lashes out at me because I am the only one near, my lawn mower dying, losing several chickens, & having to put one of our dogs down. So far the last 7 months have been more than challenging. Each day I wake up and ask myself, “What depressing and awful
Oh Sweetheart, how did we make it to 90 days already? I still feel like it's been a few days. The first two weeks were blur where I barely remember anything at all. I do remember the kindness of everyone who reached out by sending texts, making calls, arranging for the delivery of flowers, and the sending of cards. These days very few reach out. Friends and family have fallen back into their routines and I don't blame them as they say "call if you need anything." I don't call.
Honey, you must have been so scared and confused. I know you kept wondering if you made the right decision on the day they took you to the hospital. You were not able to do the things that were once so simple to you. You must have ached and fought off pain. At the hospital alone you must have been frustrated and all of the pain medications you had in your system must have made you feel foggy and out of control.
You were septic and fighting pneumonia. I am sorry you had to go through all
Although it's been eighty seven days since you passed, I am still in disbelief. How is it that I have made through these days and nights without you? Oh honey, I miss you so much. I know it sounds material but this is a material world and I miss the tangible things about you. I miss seeing you. I miss holing your hand. I miss your hugs (I felt I was so safe). You were my home.
I feel so cheated. We were supposed to be getting married in a month. Now I am trying to learn to what purpose
So this was a click away from being just another FB post and then I decided to go into a different direction.
Update... after listening to this (the Summer 2002 mix CD) I can say I'm one step closer to rock bottom in terms of overwhelming grief and sadness. I hope it is rock bottom! Some of the lyrics eerily represent how I feel. "Angel of Mine", "Would you cry if you saw me crying?", "I do believe I failed you... I know I let you down", "Instead of making me better, you're making me ill",
I started this journal to offer the REAL me, the one that is not well. My posts on Facebook to this point have been super refined and, well, fit for public consumption. I need this as an outlet for what's really going on in my head which, quite frankly, the average person doesn't want to hear. Allow me to share my prior Facebook posts so we're all caught up. Carolyn died on May 2, 2020. The first post was published the morning after. Then in this blog I'll get to the trauma...
I lost my older brother Mike On 4/1/2020. It was sudden and soul crushing. I didn't lose him to the Covid virus. I lost him to heart disease and Vodka. He was all I had left of my "growing up" family. My parents are both gone, mom died when I was 14 and dad died when I was 17. Grandma who lived with us died three years after my dad. It was Mike and I against the world for years. He was my brother, father figure even though he was just three years older, my biggest cheerleader and my best fr
To my adored son;
Losing you took the roar out of my lion heart, the sun out of my sky...I am not capable of understanding why you were taken away so young, I cannot express to the universe enough how meaningful, amazing and good you were, now everyday is cruel...it’s brutal, your absence is like an elephant on my chest...I miss you, Oh god, I miss you so much!
I have accepted life gets no better than the 20 amazing years, I was blessed with you. I promise to honor your life and one d