Today is not the day where I am going to be dry eyed and smiling. It is not the day where I don’t miss Ryan. It is not the day I have someone to share my grief with. It is not the day for watching TV because concentrating on anything is just too hard.
Today is a day for tears. It is a day for loneliness. It is a day for introspection. It is a day for wishing like hell it had been me instead.
I don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me. I feel sorry enough for myself........anything extra just pushes me over the edge. Why do I feel sorry for myself? Let me count the ways.....
I lost my best friend. I lost the one person that kept my world from spinning out of control.
I am now a single parent. Which is 10 times harder than having someone to help you.
I live in uncertainty daily. I hate the feeling that so much is out of my control.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to return to a life where I actually had good days again. There are some days where the world crashes down around me and I feel like giving up. There are days that seem designed to drive me crazy. Then there are days where I miss Ryan so much that it is physically painful. The question is when will I have a good day again? Next week, next month, next year or possibly never? I have almost given up hope of actually being happy again. There are m
Even though I feel like giving up more days than not, I keep going day after day. I guess my first thought is my daughter and the need to create a will so that she is taken care of.
My next reason is that I met a friend online who is funny, makes me laugh and roll my eyes more than I have in the last 7 months. Lately, aside from spending time with my daughter and niece, these conversations are the only thing that has brought me a small modicum of comfort and perhaps even happines
Why me is one of the things I ask myself daily. Is there some reason why I have to go through all of this? Losing my husband, my hot water heater dying the same day, my shower door leaking copiously a few days later, a grieving child who lashes out at me because I am the only one near, my lawn mower dying, losing several chickens, & having to put one of our dogs down. So far the last 7 months have been more than challenging. Each day I wake up and ask myself, “What depressing and awful
Oh Sweetheart, how did we make it to 90 days already? I still feel like it's been a few days. The first two weeks were blur where I barely remember anything at all. I do remember the kindness of everyone who reached out by sending texts, making calls, arranging for the delivery of flowers, and the sending of cards. These days very few reach out. Friends and family have fallen back into their routines and I don't blame them as they say "call if you need anything." I don't call.
Honey, you must have been so scared and confused. I know you kept wondering if you made the right decision on the day they took you to the hospital. You were not able to do the things that were once so simple to you. You must have ached and fought off pain. At the hospital alone you must have been frustrated and all of the pain medications you had in your system must have made you feel foggy and out of control.
You were septic and fighting pneumonia. I am sorry you had to go through all
Although it's been eighty seven days since you passed, I am still in disbelief. How is it that I have made through these days and nights without you? Oh honey, I miss you so much. I know it sounds material but this is a material world and I miss the tangible things about you. I miss seeing you. I miss holing your hand. I miss your hugs (I felt I was so safe). You were my home.
I feel so cheated. We were supposed to be getting married in a month. Now I am trying to learn to what purpose
So this was a click away from being just another FB post and then I decided to go into a different direction.
Update... after listening to this (the Summer 2002 mix CD) I can say I'm one step closer to rock bottom in terms of overwhelming grief and sadness. I hope it is rock bottom! Some of the lyrics eerily represent how I feel. "Angel of Mine", "Would you cry if you saw me crying?", "I do believe I failed you... I know I let you down", "Instead of making me better, you're making me ill",
I started this journal to offer the REAL me, the one that is not well. My posts on Facebook to this point have been super refined and, well, fit for public consumption. I need this as an outlet for what's really going on in my head which, quite frankly, the average person doesn't want to hear. Allow me to share my prior Facebook posts so we're all caught up. Carolyn died on May 2, 2020. The first post was published the morning after. Then in this blog I'll get to the trauma...
I lost my older brother Mike On 4/1/2020. It was sudden and soul crushing. I didn't lose him to the Covid virus. I lost him to heart disease and Vodka. He was all I had left of my "growing up" family. My parents are both gone, mom died when I was 14 and dad died when I was 17. Grandma who lived with us died three years after my dad. It was Mike and I against the world for years. He was my brother, father figure even though he was just three years older, my biggest cheerleader and my best fr
To my adored son;
Losing you took the roar out of my lion heart, the sun out of my sky...I am not capable of understanding why you were taken away so young, I cannot express to the universe enough how meaningful, amazing and good you were, now everyday is cruel...it’s brutal, your absence is like an elephant on my chest...I miss you, Oh god, I miss you so much!
I have accepted life gets no better than the 20 amazing years, I was blessed with you. I promise to honor your life and one d
by Deb Sims, MS,RNCS,LCSW
When a death occurs or is about to occur, our friends and family members frequently react in ways we don't expect. Some people will immediately reach out and offer appropriate help. Others will be there for the funeral and then be gone. It would appear they don't care. However, in fact, they may care deeply but not know what to do. Sometimes they mistakenly think they would be intruding by calling or stopping by.
So what can we do to help others know what our