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Journals

It Seems Unreal

It seems unreal, from time to time, the fact that I lost so many loved ones in such rapid succession. Sometimes I want to pinch myself and wake up from the worst nightmare I've ever had. I think, sometimes that if I could just rewind time to February 6, 2019, and I could then pause time everyone I love would still be here. I know that it's not possible for these ideas to ever happen, but a girl can dream.

Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43 in Dealing with Life

Just Sharing

The worst day of my life is when I lost my dad, Al. The second worst day of my life was when I lost my husband, Jeremy.    My father and my husband passed away 2 months and 2 days apart; Daddy's Angel Date 02/07/2019; Jeremy's Angel Date 04/09/2019, and I felt, for a while, like I had completely forgotten about dad. However, one day from out of nowhere, I heard my dad say, "You haven't forgotten to grieve me. I stepped back when you lost your husband. You will eventually be able to pro

Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43 in Getting to know me

Over the Last 2 Years

Over the last 2 years, I have been aiming to be, striving to achieve, aspiring to become a woman who over the next 20 years, will just barely remember this time and the hurt that I have been since February 2019. I'm not talking about running off. What I am talking about is this: the day my husband died, a gigantic part of me died, too. What I'm doing is absolutely hypothetical and symbolic, but in this way I have to say, 'The person I was then, no longer exists. I buried her the day I told you g

Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43 in 03/24/21

Good Man, A

There are times when I want to say, No, Father is not dead; he's simply gone on a long journey--but he's coming back. There are times when I cry and think surely Father will hear and come; that he will rise at the sound of his Baby's wailing, hold me to his heart and all would be well again. This thought comforts me for a time; the thought of him holding me high like when I was a baby; his eyes beaming up at me, his precious little daughter. But that is just a dream, like having an imaginary Fri

TLN

TLN in Honoring the Dead

03/23/2021

Today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today.  I responded to a post on a women only site that requested we give love advice we should all live by and this is what my answer was:  Always Be Honest and Your Loyalty Will Never Come Into Question  I'm aimlessly ramblin'. I have adult ADHD and get bored pretty quickly so I will just start talking to hear myself talk.         

Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43 in 03/23/21

Can't find anyone

There are a couple of people who have reached to some of my content, but I can't find anyone to send friend requests to.    @KayC  @Sparky1 Will you please let me know how to find you both, and could 1 (or both) of you please tell me how to find others? I would greatly appreciate it. - Clever Pennywyze

Pennywyze43

Pennywyze43 in Finding Friends Here

Tools for Sharpening

There are things I have learned in this life since my Father died; things that help me claw myself out of Grief--this grief which feels like a dark presence in my soul. Writing is one of those things. My Father used to tell me, Keep thinking. Keep thinking and you will figure it out. Good words from a father who loved his daughter. One thing I recently learned helps me is mathematics. I was never any good at math in school; but I find now in this spirit-killing Grief that working out even simple

TLN

TLN in Tools

Loneliness of Grief, The

There is a loneliness that comes with grief; a now hollow and jagged heart that comes from being ripped in half. I call it the Death-Star-Heart. No joy. No hope. Just loneliness. There is a song lyric from decades ago that fits my heart since my Father died: Talkin' to myself and feelin' low.  I feel it every day. There seems to be no moving past it. No comfort. My Father would say to stay close to God; but I do not feel His presence the way I did before MAYDAY, the day my Father died (May 2, 20

TLN

TLN in Loneliness

I Called Him Father

Most people I know call their fathers "Dad". I always called mine Father, with a capital F. Why? I think because of the way he carried himself in life. "Dad" did not seem to fit him; it sounded too playful, like "Daddy". He was not one to play; but neither do I mean he was cold. Father was a joy to me, just to talk to. And talk we did, indeed. Since his death three years ago this May 2nd, I learned that those who have been the coldest toward me in my grief; those who disliked my Father and

TLN

TLN in Jealousy, Understanding

Heaviness, Body and Soul

There is a certain heaviness of body and soul in carrying the burden of grief through this world; as though you are carrying the weight of your loved one on your back and, if you do not push against it, your knees will buckle and you will collapse under the burden. I feel as though I am carrying both me and my Father through life now, the little carrying the big--and at times I fear I will not be able to continue; but at the same time I fear laying down my burden. Something, strange though it mi

TLN

TLN in Burden

New Normal, The

What is life now that he is gone; now with this thing called Grief dogging my steps all the day long? I have been told I had an especially close relationship with my Father--closer than most; and I think that is true. I was his Baby; and he and I were two peas in a pod. Many a time he just needed a sympathetic ear to listen, someone who understood his pain, and I was blessed to be that to him. I will never forget it. There were times where we would just sit and talk, even all day; not a holiday

TLN

TLN in New Normal, The

Few Moments of Reprieve, A

I just wanted to share with everyone a few moments of reprieve I felt these last few days. They were shortlived; but for those moments I actually felt alive again, like there is hope after all of life after grief. It doesn't sound like much, just a few moments; but after nearly 3 years of uninterrupted, abysmal despair, these few moments were like precious drops of cool, clear water to a parched and dying woman. So what was I doing when these moments of reprieve happened?  Just living. Groc

TLN

TLN in Reprieve

Bad days ahead

Its March and I'm dreading this month and next. This is the year anniversary of my DH fall, the fall that began his quick and untimely demise. Its like I feel it more now. The memories come back, during the day, and at night in my dreams. Its more like a slow moving nightmare than just a dream. It hits me, at all the wrong times. Its like suddenly a memory just flits across, unbidden, whether I want it or not. I wondered how I would feel. How I would take this time. The first year, the year

CatL

CatL in Musings

He Called Me Baby

My Father and I were like two peas in a pod. He called me Baby. His Baby. I knew no one else like him; there were times growing up when I was terrified of him; but as I grew I came to know his love, and knew I could never do anything that would make him stop loving me. Although everyone I knew (aside from a very small handful) found him objectionable, even his own family; he was my best friend. I never understood why people disliked him so much. Most of them have gone on their way; they have mov

TLN

TLN in Honoring the Dead

February storm

Here in Texas we've just survived a set of  snow and ice storms. Its the worse weather we've had in decades. We even broke records for snow (7" here), ice, and 6 days (144 hours) of weather 32 or below. I've fared okay, the house is okay, the dogs are okay. Technically I should be fine. Except I've been missing Bill so much. Covid and social distancing has had its own problems. But I realize how close I am to an edge spending a week without being around anybody, I feel like its breaking me.

CatL

CatL in Ramblings

Waiting

I'm sharing this because maybe it will make it more real. I still feel like I'm in a nightmare. Kind of like this situation isn't real. I was shown in counselling the "wave" of grief. My conscious mind won't even let me hit the peak of "said" wave. I'm just a surfer out on a calm day....waiting....waiting for the water break. Preparing myself for the ultimate wave to come, knowing I'm going to fall and break myself when it comes. I'm not sure whats worse. The anticipation or the actual scenario.

OSL

OSL in The begining

Daytona, Daytona, Daytona...

It’s that time of year again, NASCAR season is about to begin again. I love racing since I was a little girl. Growing up in Virginia it was all around me. My favorite driver was the “King” Richard Petty. Over the years, I have had to change favorites as they have retired and left the sport. The biggest race in NASCAR is the Daytona 500. It’s my favorite race of the year because it is always close to my birthday.  My partner and I got together in September of 2015. We spent some of our weekends

LBrown

LBrown in Just rando thoughts

Expressing gratitude and regaining hope

I sat down last night a wrote out thank you cards to the caregivers at each of the hospitals that took care of my partner while he was ill with Covid. I had purchased the cards just a couple of days after his death but every time I sat down to write a note in them I was just overwhelmed and dissolved into a puddle of tears. But last night I was determined that I was going to get it done.  The card to the first hospital was easier to write than the second one. They had done a good job in taking

LBrown

LBrown in Random thoughts

Lack of empathy

I have a really strange relationship with my daughter. She is 31 years old, married with 3 children. Her husband and I do not care for one another. He hold me responsible for a situation that happened the weekend of their wedding. I have apologized several times and have tried to re-establish a relationship with him for the sake of my grandkids. It was so bad that they denied me visitation to my grandkids because I refused to drop off the left over wedding supplies that they had agreed to come a

LBrown

LBrown in Ramblings on any given day

Checking the boxes

Have you ever felt like you are just checking the boxes on how everyone wants you to feel? That sheet they hand you when you walk into a behavioral health office. That is how I have been feeling the past couple of days. That I have to put on a face to hide my inner feelings to go out and deal with the world. I’m still struggling going out in the real world. Struggling with keeping my emotions in check. The tears still come easily and unexpectedly. I ask myself, how do I keep doing this? I find m

LBrown

LBrown in Ramblings on any given day

A New Year alone

Last night was the first New Year’s Eve that I have spent alone in the last 6 years. I felt so lonely and tired. Just exhausted from dealing with this roller coaster ride since he passed. 

LBrown

LBrown in Ramblings on any given day

First year ramblings

This is still my year of first. And this first Christmas has been hard. Last year was the first time DH wanted an Xmas tree. I remember us going out, finding a lit artificial tree, and a box of ornaments, everything we needed for a tree. Its been hard to decorate for Xmas this year. A part of me feels almost a betrayal to him to decorate without him, to celebrate without him. I'm trying to enjoy the holiday, but its not easy. I know that for Xmas I can't be here in our house. I just can't. I'm e

CatL

CatL in First Year

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