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Day 15 at a loss

Connor, I have reread my earlier post at least 5 times.  I have searched my mind for some spark or special memory from that time.  I want to say that I did reread your letters home from Glenn Mills.  They were full of love, hope and gratitude.  There were letters to your little brother that he didn't remember.  He had forgotten you liked and even loved him.  I know you were in there and cared.  The shadow of all the pain just hung over us.  I think this is why people judge mental health and

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

Day 15

Connor, Hey buddy!  Today is day 15 since you left us.  Yes I am counting it by days.  I am going to continue your story now and this will be some of the really bad stuff.  I have been thinking about this for days.  I do think I had blocked some of this out.   You started 7th grade and it was so exciting.  During this time you excelled at school and remained in advanced classes, wrestled, played basketball and foot ball.  During 9th grade you starting using marijuana and no matter what

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

2 weeks 2/10/22

Connor, I'm still not ready to work on your story.  I'm still processing everything that is going on.  Tonight we went to Matt's 18th birthday.  I made it through and did not cry.  It was nice.  Monday I powered through work.  Tuesday I left at 3 and Wed I walked out at 1pm.  I left my lunch and coffee on my desk, computer on and ran out the door.  I went to the peninsula and watched the ice fishermen for hours.  I then went and found your dad.  He drove while I cried and screamed.  Then he

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

Silence Day 11 2/6/22

Connor, I will get back to your live story but today I just can't do it.  Friday we put your picture show together and Saturday 2/5/22 was your service.  There were so many people there it was amazing.  We held it together and Snoop was the comic relief.  The morman missionaries were there along with some of the people from the church. Luke your boss had Covid so he couldn't come or speak.  Pastor Jeanne from the Luthern Church  spoke and it was so touching.  I spoke and im sure you heard e

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

Day 8 Feb 3 2022

I don't know that anyone will ever read this but me. You may not want to read it because I am pretty blunt about drug addiction and some of the details of my son's death.  If you do read this, maybe it will somehow help another family from suffering and going through what we have gone through.   I need to work out all the thoughts, fears, regrets, love and yes anger that are now part of my every waking moment.  We always knew this could happen but when it did we were totally unprepared.  Connor

Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

Loneliness

The loneliness is a form of hell. When you spend every waking you can with someone & they're are part of your daily routine you just feel lost and alone after they pass. There is really nothing inside me but emptiness. I see no hope. I feel so alone. I wish I could get some symbol or sign that he is watching over me. It seemed like I was a lot when he first passed.

Lost soul08

Lost soul08 in My soulmate

The holidays...

No one could ever prepare you for your first holiday without your loved ones. This year is expecially hard because I lost my grandfather and my fiance on the same day. I'm trying to grieve one loved one at a time and I'm taking my fiance passing the hardest at this point because it is Christmas. I spent a beautiful Christmas Eve with his family they showered me with very sentimental gifts and it was very emotional. I know we lit off biodegradable lights for him yesterday and he gave us so many s

Lost soul08

Lost soul08 in Losing two loved ones on the same day

Just listen - Few who understand.

There really is very few people who understand what it is like to lose two people on the same day or lose someone you love. My grandfather and my fiance...in one day. My grief has turned people away from me it's like they turned against me because they're over hearing about it. Everyone goes on with their lives except the ones that truly loved the person that passed. So then it makes me want to not talk to anybody about how I'm truly feeling and lock myself in my room with all these horrible fee

Lost soul08

Lost soul08 in Losing two loved ones on the same day

Books & Journals

Today, I went to the bookstore, and it actually gave me a glimmer of hope finding hundreds of books that try to help you through grief, books about signs and symbols and just things to help you take it day by day. I got myself a planner so I can start planning what I'm going to do with my life and get back to working full-time. This is the first holiday season without my loved ones that past. My fiance and my grandfather. My fiance and I had lots of plans for the holiday season. I'm hoping that

Lost soul08

Lost soul08 in Losing two loved ones on the same day

Night time..

Nighttime seems to be the worst for me. We would spend a lot of time together in the evening because he worked hard all day long and I was able to work from home. We made the most out of every minute we could spend together. So, I feel especially alone at night. His Cemetery where he rests is less than 5 minutes from my house so I spend a lot of time there but I know he wouldn't want me there late at night so when I come home I just feel empty. I have thousands of videos, pictures, letters, card

Lost soul08

Lost soul08 in My soulmate

It Feels Like My Ex’s Friends Screwed Me

Very frustrated and betrayed but do not want to believe the worst. But it has been a year since my ex’s suicide and his friends wanted to get the house cleaned professionally right afterwards so they could go to the house and pack everything and sell things and salvage stuff. Nothing had anything to do with me but I had to be the one to make a claim through the house, since he and I were the ones who owned it and therefore had the insurance to make a claim. I said I would, but I could not take c

Mianko471

Mianko471 in Ex Files

Trying to be Busy

So i’m Trying to stay busy. Going to counseling once a week lately, trying to go out by myself at least once a week other than that as well. I’ve been trying to take better care in how i dress and make myself up for the day. The past couple outings to the grocery store, i was approached by men who wanted to engage in conversation and pursue more. It is flattering a bit, and a little startling. It has been a while since i was approached in such a manner and i thought i had aged past that time in

Mianko471

Mianko471 in Blog

Thinking About my Ex

Just some random thoughts going through my head these days.  One of my recent losses was my ex-fiancée one year and one day ago today (10-15-2020) due to suicide, but I am sure cocaine and heroin were involved and exacerbated his inner demons lying just below the surface. I hope we all find peace here and do not allow the what-ifs to tear us down.  We are all trying to survive this experience called life the best we can and try to live it the best we can. I just wish we could all

Mianko471

Mianko471 in Thoughts

Feeling reticent but I need to change

Hello there. I have been actively avoiding feeling and reflecting out of wanting to avoid the unbearable pain that such activities lead to. However, I cannot continue this behavior, I know this. Not only is it not helping me heal and causing me to simply wallow and grow stagnant, I am burdening and hurting the ones I love, and I need to stop this selfish behavior.  Before we continue, I wish to get this out of the way. **TRIGGER  WARNINGS BELOW** Some background on me - I am naturally

Mianko471

Mianko471 in My Introduction

Spider Tattoo

Of all of the ridiculous things that keeps going through my head, it's the nagging thought that I should get a black widow spider tattoo.  I have two loves.  The first died 7 years ago.  We had been together over 3.5 years. And, of course, I thought I would never love anyone again. We were still in the teen-aged years of our relationship.  We still had stories that surprised each other.  How I grieved the loss of the years we would never have.  Then, quite by accident, I fell in love again.  And

LesleyE

LesleyE in Stuff and Things

Don't date until you're ready

I tried the world of online dating. Really, I'm just not ready. I'd like to say I am ready, but the fact is I'm not. Its like I can't relax, I compare them to my husband, I try to force being nice or pleasant. I've tried the idea of meeting guys that that are "new" or at least different from what I would usually be interested in. Out of all the guys I've talked to or met (and that's not many I've met) only one is actually interesting. I don't want to force myself to do this. If I'm not read

CatL

CatL in Musings

16 months

Its been 16 months since my husband passed. For some reason, okay there are a few good ones, today its just hitting me. Yes, my father passed away recently so maybe that's adding to my feelings. But today its just one of those days. I don't know why I feel like crying. Its sunny outside, the weather has been nice, even the dogs have been fairly good today. But I just feel like crying. Its like this pall of grief, of mourning, of loss that is just enveloping me. I've had no appetite. I've sn

CatL

CatL in Musings

Here we go again

My dear love passed April 2020. Its been 15 months since he passed. Now my father has passed away. Is this the start of another 15 months of grieving? My mother was hospitalized with COVID last night, before my father died. She wasn't told about his passing until today. Will she survive? Will she get out of the hospital? Will we have a double funeral? Or a single funeral? I don't know. But once again I begin a slow process of mourning. What else can I do? Today someone told me God doesn't g

CatL

CatL in Musings

Knife's edge

Sometimes you just don't really realize how much of a knife's edge you're sitting on until something dumb and little happens. This morning I got up, did my normal routine, had my tea, and even did dishes by hand. I had a couple of pans from last night that needed to be washed. And then I noticed it. I had water on the floor. Not too much, but enough to take about 3-4 towels to dry it up. I'm talking towels, not little paper towels. The pipe under the kitchen sink came undone, actually it looks l

CatL

CatL in Musings

Honestly

I'm going to post something that could be misconstrued in many different ways. HOWEVER, there's no malice towards anyone at all. I'm posting this for those of us who are grieving, and could use a tall glass of refreshing honesty.   Since April 9, 2019, I have encountered objects (things) that have stopped my heart, and then I've sobbed relentlessly. I get it that this is part of the grieving process, but holy CRAP!! I had no idea that these inanimate objects could

Clever Pennywyze43

Clever Pennywyze43 in Welcome

I Never Had a Clue

I never had a clue as to how deeply I would be affected by the sight of a screwdriver, until somewhere around 20 to 30 minutes ago.  The craziest thing occurred over the last couple of years that I wasn't aware of, as well. And as well as that comes the blindsiding reality that I had not even been around anyone that had a screwdriver (for whatever reason) in the last 2 years.  When Steven picked up a screwdriver about 30 to 35 minutes ago, I said, "Don't f*ing show that to me. Babe that's not fa

Clever Pennywyze43

Clever Pennywyze43 in Who Knew????

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