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Journals

Loneliness of Grief, The

There is a loneliness that comes with grief; a now hollow and jagged heart that comes from being ripped in half. I call it the Death-Star-Heart. No joy. No hope. Just loneliness. There is a song lyric from decades ago that fits my heart since my Father died: Talkin' to myself and feelin' low.  I feel it every day. There seems to be no moving past it. No comfort. My Father would say to stay close to God; but I do not feel His presence the way I did before MAYDAY, the day my Father died (May 2, 20

TLN

TLN in Loneliness

I Called Him Father

Most people I know call their fathers "Dad". I always called mine Father, with a capital F. Why? I think because of the way he carried himself in life. "Dad" did not seem to fit him; it sounded too playful, like "Daddy". He was not one to play; but neither do I mean he was cold. Father was a joy to me, just to talk to. And talk we did, indeed. Since his death three years ago this May 2nd, I learned that those who have been the coldest toward me in my grief; those who disliked my Father and

TLN

TLN in Jealousy, Understanding

Heaviness, Body and Soul

There is a certain heaviness of body and soul in carrying the burden of grief through this world; as though you are carrying the weight of your loved one on your back and, if you do not push against it, your knees will buckle and you will collapse under the burden. I feel as though I am carrying both me and my Father through life now, the little carrying the big--and at times I fear I will not be able to continue; but at the same time I fear laying down my burden. Something, strange though it mi

TLN

TLN in Burden

New Normal, The

What is life now that he is gone; now with this thing called Grief dogging my steps all the day long? I have been told I had an especially close relationship with my Father--closer than most; and I think that is true. I was his Baby; and he and I were two peas in a pod. Many a time he just needed a sympathetic ear to listen, someone who understood his pain, and I was blessed to be that to him. I will never forget it. There were times where we would just sit and talk, even all day; not a holiday

TLN

TLN in New Normal, The

Few Moments of Reprieve, A

I just wanted to share with everyone a few moments of reprieve I felt these last few days. They were shortlived; but for those moments I actually felt alive again, like there is hope after all of life after grief. It doesn't sound like much, just a few moments; but after nearly 3 years of uninterrupted, abysmal despair, these few moments were like precious drops of cool, clear water to a parched and dying woman. So what was I doing when these moments of reprieve happened?  Just living. Groc

TLN

TLN in Reprieve

Bad days ahead

Its March and I'm dreading this month and next. This is the year anniversary of my DH fall, the fall that began his quick and untimely demise. Its like I feel it more now. The memories come back, during the day, and at night in my dreams. Its more like a slow moving nightmare than just a dream. It hits me, at all the wrong times. Its like suddenly a memory just flits across, unbidden, whether I want it or not. I wondered how I would feel. How I would take this time. The first year, the year

CatL

CatL in Musings

He Called Me Baby

My Father and I were like two peas in a pod. He called me Baby. His Baby. I knew no one else like him; there were times growing up when I was terrified of him; but as I grew I came to know his love, and knew I could never do anything that would make him stop loving me. Although everyone I knew (aside from a very small handful) found him objectionable, even his own family; he was my best friend. I never understood why people disliked him so much. Most of them have gone on their way; they have mov

TLN

TLN in Honoring the Dead

February storm

Here in Texas we've just survived a set of  snow and ice storms. Its the worse weather we've had in decades. We even broke records for snow (7" here), ice, and 6 days (144 hours) of weather 32 or below. I've fared okay, the house is okay, the dogs are okay. Technically I should be fine. Except I've been missing Bill so much. Covid and social distancing has had its own problems. But I realize how close I am to an edge spending a week without being around anybody, I feel like its breaking me.

CatL

CatL in Ramblings

Waiting

I'm sharing this because maybe it will make it more real. I still feel like I'm in a nightmare. Kind of like this situation isn't real. I was shown in counselling the "wave" of grief. My conscious mind won't even let me hit the peak of "said" wave. I'm just a surfer out on a calm day....waiting....waiting for the water break. Preparing myself for the ultimate wave to come, knowing I'm going to fall and break myself when it comes. I'm not sure whats worse. The anticipation or the actual scenario.

OSL

OSL in The begining

Daytona, Daytona, Daytona...

It’s that time of year again, NASCAR season is about to begin again. I love racing since I was a little girl. Growing up in Virginia it was all around me. My favorite driver was the “King” Richard Petty. Over the years, I have had to change favorites as they have retired and left the sport. The biggest race in NASCAR is the Daytona 500. It’s my favorite race of the year because it is always close to my birthday.  My partner and I got together in September of 2015. We spent some of our weekends

LBrown

LBrown in Just rando thoughts

Expressing gratitude and regaining hope

I sat down last night a wrote out thank you cards to the caregivers at each of the hospitals that took care of my partner while he was ill with Covid. I had purchased the cards just a couple of days after his death but every time I sat down to write a note in them I was just overwhelmed and dissolved into a puddle of tears. But last night I was determined that I was going to get it done.  The card to the first hospital was easier to write than the second one. They had done a good job in taking

LBrown

LBrown in Random thoughts

Lack of empathy

I have a really strange relationship with my daughter. She is 31 years old, married with 3 children. Her husband and I do not care for one another. He hold me responsible for a situation that happened the weekend of their wedding. I have apologized several times and have tried to re-establish a relationship with him for the sake of my grandkids. It was so bad that they denied me visitation to my grandkids because I refused to drop off the left over wedding supplies that they had agreed to come a

LBrown

LBrown in Ramblings on any given day

Checking the boxes

Have you ever felt like you are just checking the boxes on how everyone wants you to feel? That sheet they hand you when you walk into a behavioral health office. That is how I have been feeling the past couple of days. That I have to put on a face to hide my inner feelings to go out and deal with the world. I’m still struggling going out in the real world. Struggling with keeping my emotions in check. The tears still come easily and unexpectedly. I ask myself, how do I keep doing this? I find m

LBrown

LBrown in Ramblings on any given day

A New Year alone

Last night was the first New Year’s Eve that I have spent alone in the last 6 years. I felt so lonely and tired. Just exhausted from dealing with this roller coaster ride since he passed. 

LBrown

LBrown in Ramblings on any given day

First year ramblings

This is still my year of first. And this first Christmas has been hard. Last year was the first time DH wanted an Xmas tree. I remember us going out, finding a lit artificial tree, and a box of ornaments, everything we needed for a tree. Its been hard to decorate for Xmas this year. A part of me feels almost a betrayal to him to decorate without him, to celebrate without him. I'm trying to enjoy the holiday, but its not easy. I know that for Xmas I can't be here in our house. I just can't. I'm e

CatL

CatL in First Year

10 am, 9 Nov 2020

I’m still occasionally vaguely suicidal. It’s not often, it’s not actionable, and I do talk to my therapist about it. I think this means I’m not past the early grief stage yet.  That’s ok. I’m not in a rush. The last 5 years have been without any kind of road map, so why should that change? This is the point when I’m grateful that I’m non-theist pagan. I think I’d die of misery if I thought that this whole thing was part of some sadistic higher power’s “great plan” for me and my h

Wirefish1

Wirefish1 in Mental health

8 Nov 2020

I've been wondering just how long I've been living through various types of grief since the cancer diagnosis in Feb 2015. There's the obvious "my partner died" grief that's the newest. There was the end-game grief after he washed out of the trial drugs because the tumor had entered the inferior vena cava and formed a thrombosis. That was partially anticipatory grief, but also loss of the hopes and possibilities for debulking the tumor or surviving 'til CRISPR, There was the initia

Wirefish1

Wirefish1 in care-giving

Lost and alone

I'm feeling completely overwhelmed right now.  I have no immediate family after losing my brother suddenly last year, and my parents several years before that.  I have a niece who lives in another state and she's my closest relative.  I vacillate between feeling like I have many things to be thankful for and feeling like I'm the only person on the planet who has no family.  And truthfully, I don't know anyone else, personally at least, who has no immediate family.  The enormity of it hits me at

Betty Lou

Betty Lou

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is always something that I have struggled with.   I tend to dwell on things to the point of nearly complete immersion.  But today I read something and it made me realize that the person I am hurting most by not forgiving others is myself.  I allow situations to consume so much of my energy.  I allow the negative emotions to eat away at me and really the person I am hurting the most is myself.   So today, I am choosing to forgive.  Not forget but forgive.  I am going to try and let go

jwahlquist

jwahlquist

Today I Choose Happiness

Today is a new day.  The sun is shining and the birds are singing.  Today is one of those days where I can be happy.   I don’t have to work and I can just enjoy the day.   Today I am not going to fret and worry over things I cannot change.   I am going to give myself some grace and just be me. No matter what happens next........for today I choose happiness.

jwahlquist

jwahlquist

Flawed & Broken

Lately, I have been pondering if I have been so desperate for my life to return to normal that I have created something in my mind and heart that isn’t truly there.   I created this perfect little world in my mind but rather than having a solid foundation as I thought it would........it turns out to be severely flawed.  I know that invariably due to the flawed nature of the human race as a whole that everything has some flaws.   But how many flaws can exists before it all crumbles?   Is there re

jwahlquist

jwahlquist

Uncertainty

In a life where nothing is promised or certain, how do you learn to trust anyone or anything again?   I am often too trusting and too naive for my own good.   I am honest to a fault.  I believe in the good in people.  I believe they will tell me the truth.   So when they don’t I am left with a level of uncertainty that I don’t know how to process or overcome.   The truth is a precious thing and when one twists it...........it hurts so badly.   Forgiving is a process.......now where to start?

jwahlquist

jwahlquist

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