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Lack of empathy



I have a really strange relationship with my daughter. She is 31 years old, married with 3 children. Her husband and I do not care for one another. He hold me responsible for a situation that happened the weekend of their wedding. I have apologized several times and have tried to re-establish a relationship with him for the sake of my grandkids. It was so bad that they denied me visitation to my grandkids because I refused to drop off the left over wedding supplies that they had agreed to come and pick up. A friend of theirs called the cops and said I was trying to kidnap my grandson even though I had babysat him the night before with her half-sister. It’s confusing and crazy. 
But now to where we are today. The gentleman that I recently lost, she did not like. She never met him, but based her decision on things I had shared with her and decisions I made that she did not approve of. My daughter and I had a discussion at one time sometime in the past eighteen months to two years, that she might not like some of my decisions and I might night like some of hers, but we were both adults and entitled to live our own lives. And she agreed. So I called her on 12/22 to use her as a sounding board for some of the medical decisions that I had made and were going to make concerning my loved one. I told her what I planned to do. I just wanted someone to listen. And she flew off the handle and let me have it with both barrels. That these decisions were not mine to make. They were the families decisions, that I should sign the power of attorney and medical directives for their father over to them. That I had no right making these decisions, I wasn’t his wife or family. She didn’t give me the opportunity to continue with the rest of what I wanted to say. That I had the doctors briefing the family and yes, I had the ultimate decision, I was making it in conjunction with the doctor’s recommendation, my personal medical knowledge, his desires which are the most import thing and talking with his kids. I wasn’t just basing it on blind faith. I have not heard from my daughter since. I lost him on 12/23 early in the morning. 
is it too much to ask for some empathy from my only child? To give me some support while I hurt? To give me the same courtesy that I gave to her when her father passed even though we had been bitterly divorced. I help her through the entire process with her dad. His funeral arrangements and settling the estate. I didn’t get a call from the grandkids for Christmas. I didn’t get notified that they are transferring to the east coast. Nothing. I finally reached out today and asked if I could video chat with the grandkids? I got to talk with them. But she never came in view of the camera, refused to answer or comment on any question that I asked her. 
What do I do with this? How do I react? My grandkids want me to come visit. I had to tell them that I would talk to their mom  later about it. They want me to drive down tomorrow. I told them I couldn’t do it quite that soon, I had some things going on here at home. It is a nine hour drive.I hate telling them that, but don’t know what else to say. Part of me is very angry about her doing this. Part of me realizes that her dad was the same way. Part of me wants to lash out. Part of me wants to remind her of our agreement. And part of me just feels hurt and alone. I live by myself and I have no one to grieve with except one of his sons who is not local. 
Lord, give me strength.

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Just read your post, so sad what your daughter is doing , I’m in the same boat, it’s no fun, at least she is letting you talk to your grandchildren, go visit them and put them first and keep in touch often with them and hopefully your daughter will come around, my daughter won’t let me see my grandchildren, it’s been 3 years and it feels like 30, my mom just passed away and my daughter didn’t even call me, take care

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