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First year ramblings



This is still my year of first. And this first Christmas has been hard. Last year was the first time DH wanted an Xmas tree. I remember us going out, finding a lit artificial tree, and a box of ornaments, everything we needed for a tree. Its been hard to decorate for Xmas this year. A part of me feels almost a betrayal to him to decorate without him, to celebrate without him. I'm trying to enjoy the holiday, but its not easy. I know that for Xmas I can't be here in our house. I just can't. I'm even getting out of town with a friend just because I can't celebrate Xmas here just by myself. I know its not a betrayal, and I have to go on and do something, but this one is the first and that makes it the hardest.

I'll be okay, and I remind myself I'll be okay. It'll just take time.

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Going out  of town with a friend was a good idea. I am also in my first year of loss of a spouse. This year I did not put up the large lighted tree that we put up the year before. I also did little to decorate outside as I usually did. All of those things I did because my wife so enjoyed a tree with gifts under it and a yard lit up with lights and deer as well as a blow up Christmas Penguin. My family used to celebrate Christmas at out home on Christmas Eve so they could be with their own family for Christmas. We also celebrated out Wedding Anniversary that night.

I was coping all right until the Holiday Season came upon us. My problems began when my support cat, Domino, succumbed to cancer before my wife's birthday. On her birthday I was missing my beloved wife and my support cat that so loved me. Our Anniversary came with no celebration. Christmas was spent at the residence of my younger son. While I enjoyed the visit it was difficult to return to  be alone in my home. If that was not bad enough I have New Years Eve to look forward to. My wife passed away on New Years Eve. My regret is that I did not take advantage of grief therapy offered for one year by the hospice company that cared for my wife before her passing. The pain of her loss is worse now due to the anniversaries and the holidays. I now have to seek assistance in getting on with my life without her.

I promised my daughter that I would do nothing to shorten my life and make memories. I do know that unless I get over this loss my grief will have an affect on my life.

I wish you the best in getting to the tip of the mountain that God has given each of us to climb.

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