Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to return to a life where I actually had good days again.    There are some days where the world crashes down around me and I feel like giving up.  There are days that seem designed to drive me crazy.  Then there are days where I miss Ryan so much that it is physically painful.  The question is when will I have a good day again?   Next week, next month, next year or possibly never?    I have almost given up hope of actually being happy again.  There are moments when I feel like the last 23 years weren’t real because I didn’t deserve such happiness.  Now I sit and wait for some magical moment of happiness........