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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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  2. 40 BRUTALLY PAINFUL DAYS

    Peggy I am also very sorry for you. Sometimes the only thing that helps is writing about the way I feel & reading the stories of other people on this site (How sad it that). Yep I feel like this pain is slowly killing me. Cause there Is nothing I can do to change the fact my son is gone. That hurts so bad. Everyone says I will be ok with time. I can't see it the pain is like no other. I am so thankful for this site. Ericasmom, Tears in Heaven, Shorty16 & so many more have helped me. I don't know where I would be if I didn't find them great people. I hope one day we can be where they are at one day peggy someday.
  3. Today
  4. 40 BRUTALLY PAINFUL DAYS

    samantha i know i am feeling the same thing. i just want to end it all. yesterday was a month. i haven't stopped crying for the entire day yet. i don't know how my body handles it i really don't. my pain is just so so bad i can't take anymore. i will never see him again i just can't face that.i want him back right now. i feel like i will never get better either. i don't think i can make it either. it is a slow death inside out good way of putting it. my heart hurts so much. i can't stand it anymore i just can't. i am so sorry for you cause i feel every bit of it. i am so sorry for us. oh my God please help us please. peggy ronnie's mother
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    niquesmom it is true that often in the fog of the early grieving days impetuous decisions are not always the best decisions. A new job in the same area is different. House selling and moving is a whole different issue although I completely understand the desire to run away. Even if you do run away your grief still follows and then you are in a strange place knowing noone and not being familiar with the town or driving and it is very easy to become isolated. Your grief will follow you because you loved Dominique and always will, you just have to make your way through grief there are no shortcuts. I do not mean to sound harsh, please don't get me wrong, I am speaking the truth. However remember "Advice is something you listen to. The decisions are your own." Take care my friend.
  6. Saturday 2/17/18 I lost my little baby after 13 years. His name was Porkchop. had to put him to sleep after I was told he was going to be around for a year. Saturday Morning I planned to give him a bath, instead I took him to the Vet and put him to sleep. Porkchop was jumping around and playing with my other dog Nana a month ago, one day two weeks ago I noticed urine in the house, my dogs never do that.. I know its him for the amount of liquid, Porkchop a 12 lbs Chihuahua and Nana a 75 lbs Golden Retriever mix .. you can see the difference. We take him to the Vet and Doctor says he needs to go to the emergency room, porkchop has a glucose level of 483 and a lump in his liver, a tumor in his adrenal glands, his little kidneys are suffering, his little pancreas is done.. its serious. After 4 days in the ER and a bill of $4,600 we go home thinking we have him for a year, a week later and insulin shots twice a day. Saturday morning we wake up, go outside, shots, water food, regular routine.. 1 hour later he vomited, looks lethargic, shaking like he will pass out, I know this is bad, so I rushed to the vet with him, Doctor says Porkchop once again has pancreatitis, fever of 103, glucose level of 580.. I ask "Doctor, if porkchop was your puppy, what would you do? He answered " I wouldn't let him suffer".. So at that moment I know it's over.. called my ex husband, my 21 year old daughter, my 14 year old son.. Porkchop was in my hands, he was so scared but I know he felt the love we had for him there, he was not alone, I told him I loved him and that he was the best dog in the world, he faded away, his little head got heavy, he closed his little eyes, he was gone. We all broke down, my son sobbing.. the doctor actually cried and said to me in a low voice "I'm sorry" This was one the most painful moments I have ever experienced. complete agony. My son was 2 years old when we got Porkchop, my daughter slept with him every night. at night I go to my son's room and we just cry, my daughter said to me yesterday "mom, I had a dream Porkchop was sleeping next to me.. I woke up it was just blankets" I walk around looking for him, waiting to see my little baby, when I did laundry he was next to me, in the kitchen, watching TV... It's complete heartbreak.. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. my kids are heartbroken and I don't know how to fix it. I start going through all these thoughts in my head.. was I good to him, did I feed him the right foods, Did I administer the insulin wrong.. my kids are doing the same thing. The feeling of guilt is horrible, the pain, the tears, breaking down at any second, anger with the hospital.. why would you keep a little animal there for 4 days if he was so bad.. its complete anguish. Nothing feels better. Nana is not eating, she is depressed. I feel like I lost a child. My dog was not a dog, he was my buddy, my baby, my constant, my responsibility, my son's younger brother, my daughter's first love. How much I miss you Porchy. My litte baby.
  7. 40 BRUTALLY PAINFUL DAYS

    The last 40 days been painful for everyone in our family & brutally painful for me. Nothing seams to helps. Although the sun peeks out at times & dries up my tears it doesn't change the way I feel inside. I"v always been a strong person. Losing my son has made me extremely weak. I can't get this together. The second I'm alone I'm a total mess. Today made 41 days Anthony went to heaven. I miss him more then words can say. This pain is brutal & I feel like it will never go away. I miss him so much. My husband & I cry everyday for most of the day. This is the first time in my life that I felt my husbands pain. I feel i can't help him. We had a memorial mass in celebration of Anthony ' s life yesterday. Its was beautiful but I felt so much more pain inside. Today my insides are like jello, my eyes heavy, my mind runs wild, I feel crazy in silence. I feel even crazier when I find myself screaming out loud like a wild coyote inside of myself. Anthony's death is brutally painful this is a slow pain of death. I feel I am slowly dying from the inside out. I don't know if I am going to be able to live in this world with out my son. People say the pain will go away but it doesn't. It seams to get worse day by day.
  8. my dad died suddenly in 2013 when i was 13 years old from a massive heart attack & i've never been the same. suddenly ive been having severe panic attacks cant sleep or anything because i seen one of his family members. if i were you i would just move somewhere else and start a new life. if you need someone to talk to im here.
  9. Wishing you peace during your grief. I lost my boy on 2/19. It’s been a rough couple of days for me as well. Using his memories on earth as a way to cope. Nunu’s Mom
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Only trust someone who can see these three things in you: The sorrow behind your smile, the love behind your anger, and the reason behind your silence
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    The 'experts' say....try not to make any big changes in the first and second year after experiencing a huge loss..trauma...catastrophe. I never knew the judgement of that until I lost John David. I experienced a 'foggy mind/ foggy thinking/ and a lot of second guessing.....which was so different from my usual way of decision making. I have always been very definite in my decision making. I did experience a lot of fantasy thinking of 'running away from it all'...which is normal for one wanting to out run...get away...flee...from all the sadness and dark grief. Niques Mom....we are not telling you not to follow what you want to do....get another job and move....we are simply here to give you a pause....as Dee suggested....think this through...get all your ducks in a row....so you will not be facing this kind of grief and having to acclimate yourself and son to many new experiences and places. It was hard for me to grieve and be in my own home. I so understand how you would love to see your girl...walk through the door....a wish that I wished 1,000's of times....
  12. All Dogs ago To Heaven

    Thank you this was so comforting to read. You feel my same sentiments. Nunu was an awesome son. He reminds me of myself humble, loveable, but feisty. I think about him and his favorite spots in the house. One being on the bed. He was so small I always had to pick him up and put him on the bed I miss doing that now Nunu’s Mom
  13. All Dogs ago To Heaven

    He was a beautiful little dog. Hang in there, we will make it thru this. give love to your other little pup. they go thru depression too. Here are some ideas I read for my Nana. https://www.thespruce.com/dogs-and-grief-1118470
  14. All Dogs ago To Heaven

    I feel the love from this group. Thank You for your heartfelt responses. It’s so comforting
  15. All Dogs ago To Heaven

    Thank you this was so comforting to read. You feel my same sentiments. Nunu was an awesome son. He reminds me of myself humble, loveable, but feisty. I think about him and his favorite spots in the house. One being on the bed. He was so small I always had to pick him up and put him on the bed I miss doing that now Nunu’s Mom
  16. 3 months tomorrow...

    I can't think in terms of months, I just count days. Every morning the calender in my head clicks off another one. Today is day 116 and I don't know if I'm counting upwards from the day he died or downwards - another day less until I get to join him. Days I can deal with. Months and years? Nope - I can't even begin to go there. I try to keep each day in and of itself, just concentrating on what I have to do that day. I'm actually going on holiday in March. I booked it a while ago when I just felt I needed to get out of the home Clive made for us, get far,far away and try to get some perspective. I wish I hadn't done it now. Everyone in work keeps asking me "How many days now til you go away?" And I have to answer that I'm really not sure because, well, is there another day after today? I really can't think that far ahead.
  17. Hello everyone, I'm new here. I am 32 years old, a wife, and mother of 2. I have a tendency to ramble on so I apologize in advance for what promises to be a long post. My little family has been absolutely shaken by loss in a very short amount of time. In mid October we unexpectedly lost my mother-in-law who lived with us. We were all very close, especially my 9 year old daughter who shared a room with her. It was very hard on my whole family but we felt we were going to push through even though it hurt every day. We were finally settling into a feeling of at least half normalcy by the time the holidays came around this year. We invited my mother to come stay with us and spend Christmas with her grandchildren a few days before Christmas Eve. My mom and I planned our large traditional Christmas Eve meal, talked about all the fun holiday things like what the kids Elf on the Shelf would be doing, making cookies and basically were enjoying our time together as a family. I woke up at 6:30am on Christmas Eve to have my morning coffee and moment of clarity before the kids were up and moving. I peeked in on my mother who was typically up way before me and she was snoring away. The kids woke up around 8:30 excited to see what their Elf was up to and my husband was moseying around. I turned to him and said "Wow, mom is really sleeping. She must be comfortable. She might not even be breathing" honestly just meaning it as a joke but she wasn't. He took a look at her and told me to send the kids to their room and we called 911. I did CPR on her, the EMTs did CPR and other procedures and got her heart to start back up 3 times between my home and the hospital. By that night it was determined that she had been without oxygen too long, her blood pressure was very low on 3 medications to keep it up, and she was on a breathing machine. At about 4am Christmas Day we got the phone call that she had passed away at 56 years old. This has been the absolute shock of my life. I am an only child and my parents were divorced 20 years ago. It's been her and me for as long as I could remember. I'm handling grief a lot differently than I though I would. I had 2 actual breakdowns, Christmas Eve when the ambulance left and also at the hospital. There have been moments of my day since then where I'm doing things and cry for maybe a minute. The entire planning process of her funeral service and at the actual service, I kept telling my husband that I felt like everyone was waiting for me to cry...and maybe that's why I didn't? I'm really not sure but I know everyone grieves in their own way. My heart hurts and I am broken inside, but I feel like I'm all cried out and can't do it anymore. That's half of why I'm here...I don't care about being normal but I don't want to seem like a "cold" person. I'm torn apart but I know I have these 2 amazing kids I have to be strong for...and I also feel like maybe there have been so many other parts of life that have broken me already that maybe I'm used to emotional pain. I don't know if that even makes sense. The other reason I'm here is because I'm having some issues with family after her passing. I love them all very much and know they love me, this is not the problem. I find myself avoiding talking to most of them right now. I feel like I need SPACE. I have talked to my grandmother several times and everything she wants to talk about is things that I need to DO instead of just checking with how I am. For this reason I've mostly been avoiding her. I know that sounds awful but I wouldn't answer the phone for most people on a normal day before all of this because of anxiety and depression. When I talk to her, it's always her telling me to run to my mom's house 30 minutes away to do something, or go to the post office in my mom's town to check her PO box, or coming to her house that's almost an hour away. After all the loss my family has gone through we are financially burdened...it has come down to the last few dollars to our name going on food and gas for my husband to get to work. We are on the verge of being evicted if we don't have our rent together in a week. I feel awful to tell her that I can't do these things but I honestly just can't afford to constantly be running around everywhere right now. So for this reason I've been just blocking her out even though I know it's wrong. I hate to have to tell her the financial situation we're in I think because I'm not a person who like to admit what feels like defeat and failure. It's tearing me apart because I know I should be calling her, but I don't know how to handle any of it right now so I just shut down. I know I have a lot of responsibility in taking care of my mother's home and getting it cleaned out and ready to sell but I feel like it isn't going anywhere and right now I just need to be the most present person for my kids and husband and keep pushing us to get things together. I'm overwhelmed by stress, grief, anxiety, depression, and trying to appease everyone around me. If people ask me how I am, I just say that my soul and spirit are tired. Anyway, I don't know if anyone can relate to anything I've said, or maybe I'm just losing it through all of this. No one teaches you how to cope, and no one could possibly teach or tell you how to act or feel when these things happen. I'm going forward with this the only way I know how whether it's right or wrong. I would love it if anyone had any insight to anything I'm feeling, to maybe help me feel like I'm not crazy or a bad person, or even to tell me I am. I'm struggling with my feelings and the way I'm handling things every day.
  18. 3 months tomorrow...

    @Sunflower2 I know what you mean about “your story” and the “ what if’s”. I normally don’t have to share the story anymore, the people close to me already know it and some people who asked... I ignored. Just a couple days ago one of his friends found out that he passed and asked for me to tell him the “story”. It was like opening up a semi healing wound and pouring salt into it. I had to retell the “story” and all those “what if’s” I’ve pushed deep down came back up to the surface. Then yesterday, his 3 month anniversary, I was just in a bad mood. Even today.. I feel extra sensitive.. @KayC 13 years! And you’ve survived! I can’t seem to see that far into the future, but then again... it’s a day by day process. Sometimes we are def stronger then we think we are. I’m horrible at anything car related.. and bookkeeping... hoping for a good day today.. for all of us.
  19. Loss of an Adult Child

    Be careful about making huge changes during your first year of grief, only because your body/spirit/mind are all trying to assimilate to the horrible changes, adding more change just confuses things and sometimes, those changes are not for the good. If you feel strongly about moving, take your time researching where and when and slow your schedule down if you can.
  20. 3 months tomorrow...

    I'd venture to say most all of you are smarter than I am. I have no confidence when it comes to anything mechanical, by that I mean anything with two parts or more. I'm a whiz at bookkeeping, the best, I can spot a number that's off in a report, I know how to get the desired results. I can run an office, was a great Office Mgr and Bkpr for 45 years. I was a great mom, did a great job raising my kids. I can cook, sew, clean, do laundry, pay bills, and am super organized. BUT I know NOTHING about the running of a machine. I take my car in to have it worked on. I shovel snow because I know how to rather than buying a plow because I don't know how to operate it or take care of it. But somehow I've survived nearly 13 years alone and I'm doing it. No matter how big or small our accomplishment, I know they're proud of us, we're learning to go it alone and that has been no easy feat. I survived surgery with no one here to help me when I didn't even know if I could get up by myself once I sat down. I managed to. When I get scared or anxious I remind myself of all I have made it through and that I only have to deal with getting through TODAY. Today. I try to stay in today.
  21. Grieving my future

    That’s horrible! I would take my husband’s snoring, love for war movies and unfiltered humor back in a heartbeat.
  22. 5 LIES YOU WERE TOLD ABOUT GRIEF.

    Jeff, That article is right on! People who think we should get over it don't have any idea what they're talking about. My grief specialist would never purport those lies, she went into this line of work after she lost her child, she's never lost her husband, but she has learned enough about grief not to say those stupid things. She knows to throw away the word "should". She knows our grief journeys are unique. And as for time, it takes what it takes, for many of us it is a rest of our lives thing, although it evolves and doesn't stay the same. She knows not to compare, not to discount someone else's grief, feelings, or experience. And I thank God for her, I've learned so much from her. It's good to hear from you again!
  23. Grieving my future

    You all are so right. I love my sisters and they're wonderful but they don't get it, they all have their husbands, they have not a clue. They still go on their vacations and have someone to take care of them when they have surgery or are injured. They still have someone to talk over their day, share expenses with, and share affection with. They still have someone to drive them places when they can't drive, someone to do half the chores, someone who cares about them...someone who leaves the garage light on for them. My one sister even goes so far as to say how lucky I am because I don't have to listen to sports! Are you freaking kidding me!!!
  24. I used to have an iPhone and I loved it but when I retired had to let it go. I have my son's 15 year old Droid and it won't update because it's so old, so can no longer get on the web and it never would Facebook. Only for phone calls and texts and sometimes email comes in on it. So you are way ahead of me, all the changes the last few years and I'm out of it! Would like to get a new one someday but can't justify the expense since there's no cell coverage at my house anyway. All you do is click on "choose files" in your post and then you go to where your pictures are stored, click on the picture, then "open" and it will put it in your post, wait for it to load and then "submit reply". Done!
  25. Loss of an Adult Child

    Today is 2 months. it feels like an eternity and a blink of the eye all at once. I talk to Dominique everyday, and yesterday my 4 year old son told me he sees Dominique come through our door. i asked him to let me know the next time he sees her. I wish i could see her, i think it will take more time, because I want to see her so desperately. This is such a hole in my heart. I buried my parents and thought that was bad, this is 1000 times worse. I wait for the moments of happiness, they are few and far between. I know she wants me happy but its so hard. I too am looking for a new job, looking to move out of Colorado, this was supposed to be a new adventure, moved here from Phoenix a year ago, but Dominique died on the street outside our home. I have to drive that road every day. Looking to move to Florida, not sure how I would do in a job interview though. everyone here knows all about my daughter and I get sad pity eyes, so when I am having a good moment they bring me down. Sorry, I am rambling. Thank you for listening, I cannot learn anyone's names but I read all the posts.
  26. All Dogs ago To Heaven

    I am so sorry. Nunu is beautiful and I can only imagine what you are feeling right now. It's so hard to go through. Been through it too many times. Dogs are the most wonderful creatures, so devoted and loving. Wishing comfort and peace for you.
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