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Approaching the 1 year anniversary of my brother's death. He struggled with addiction since high school. At 35, he died from a fatal mix of cocaine and fentanyl. My parents found him a day later. Devestating to us because he was on 2 years of (mostly) sobriety. My 4 year old daughter was devestated. A year later she talks of him daily. It pains me that he cared more for drugs than for us. He added so much drama to our lives, he was our love too. My little brother with such a great smile, laugh. All my childhood memories. His beautiful face smashed by hitting the table after he died so no open casket. It hurts so badly a year later. Does it ever stop hurting? We had a very rocky relationship (stealing, insane voicemails, threats etc...) but he was my brother and I always let him back in whenhe was sober again. I miss him so terribly but wonder if he knew how important he was to us while he was alive. I wish I had done more to help. Wish I was nicer. And it is true that there is very little acknowledment of sibling.loss. It is an immense gap in my life. Nothing will ever be the same. So much of life npw has a shadow of sadness. I suppose that just grows as more pass. Sometimes I really struggle with why we are here when it all ends in pain. I have only my children keeping me sane. I want them to know a happy life and happy parents. Mentally, I am exhausted and lost and just beaten down. When does this feeling end?

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kytee   

I created an account just to comment on this post. My baby brother just died of an overdose last week and we will be burying him in a few days. He was 23 and had been dealing with heroin addiction since ~age 15. He had been sober for a year after years of trying and fighting. He finally had a stable good life, with a good job, a girlfriend, and earned his associate's and started at a 4-year school. He got in a car accident a month ago and refused any narcotics but after his surgery they pushed them and he took them. He told everyone he was doing fine, even though we were concerned. My stepfather found his body in a bathroom with "paraphenalia." He also fell onto his face and was lying like that for a couple of hours so his face got swollen. It's terrible. My mom is insisting on closed casket because he was too vain (TRUE, haha), but it kills me to thinking of him dead on the floor on his face. At least I can tell myself that he was asleep before he hit the ground and probably didn't feel any pain at all, just went to sleep in a warm bath feeling.

I feel so guilty because his years of addiction took a huge toll on my parents and my whole family. The stealing, the lies, the fistfights, the frustrations, the hopes that he'd get better and the total utter powerlessness to change anything. I was so relieved that he was finally doing well this year and I was totally fucking blindsided when I got the news that he had died. I am still in shock. I saw his body, I know it's true, but it is still extremely difficult to wrap my mind around it. I have taken some time off of work but I work in healthcare and I have to go back to being a caregiver for other people's children and I don't know how I will find the emotional reserve to do it. I am dreading his wake and funeral when I am going to fall to pieces. I don't know what the recovery will be from that. Ugh.

I don't have much to offer other than commiseration and hope that it will get better and I will remember him. I am thinking of you and your loss, too, and want you to know there is someone else out there who knows how you feel.

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