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Lost my mom, finding it hard going on


oliviaborrego

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oliviaborrego

Im 31 years old and just lost my mom. I wasnt prepared for this, my mom was a very strong and healthy woman, and i thought she had many more years. She was 67 when she passed. She died of pancreatic cancer stage 4, she was diagnosed 2 months ago. She was so strong, we had no idea anything was wrong until she started having pains in her stomach a month before.

Its been such a nightmare, my mom has always been the glue that held me together, the one person that loved me unconditionally. I had to go from overly depending on her, to suddenly having to be her carer, and a support for her. Watching her be in pain has been so hard on my. In part i have relief that she doesnt have to suffer anymore, another part of me just wants her to be with me again. I always thought i would be older when i lost her, but i doubt that would have made this any easier.

I had so many regrets, and things i wished i could change. I have siblings i am close to, but its not the same. My mom is the one person that knew all the good and bad parts of me, and still chose to love me, and accept me as i am, thorns and all. I struggle with sad memories, i was there both times that she passed away. She died at home, her heart just suddenly stopped. I still remember the look on her face, and then she passed again at the hospital. They managed to get her heart going. But she was living off the machines. I had to hold her hand and say goodbye.

Now i feel so lost, and just want her to be here. I've had some dark moments, where i've prayed i could have cancer too, because i just want to be with her. I promised her on her death bed that i would live on, because shes known ive been suicidal for many years. I've lived on until now out of fear of hurting her with my passing. But i keep praying i could get cancer so i could be with her, and not have to pretend that i actually care about this life. Everyone is telling me to improve my life to make her proud, but i cant keep to get myself to care about myself.

 

 

 

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sophiapetrillo

I hear you.  I lost my mom three weeks ago and I have similar thoughts. I have a dr. appt in a couple of weeks and I keep thinking maybe I'll have cancer and who really cares if I do.  I hope we are both able to move past this point!

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I lost my mother on September 30th this year. She was only 66. she passed away 4 weeks after diagnosis .  I am having such a hard time as well .  we were so close, it sounds so cliche but she was my best friend. I feel so alone even though I am surrounded by all my family. I'm having a hard time taking care of my 2 young kids. I just don't know how to go on.

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oliviaborrego
8 hours ago, sophiapetrillo said:

I hear you.  I lost my mom three weeks ago and I have similar thoughts. I have a dr. appt in a couple of weeks and I keep thinking maybe I'll have cancer and who really cares if I do.  I hope we are both able to move past this point!

i hope that we can move on as well, i know our moms would want us living and enjoying life. But the truth is i just want to be by her side. I will also be checking myself in a few weeks to see if i have anything.

5 hours ago, Adipas said:

I lost my mother on September 30th this year. She was only 66. she passed away 4 weeks after diagnosis .  I am having such a hard time as well .  we were so close, it sounds so cliche but she was my best friend. I feel so alone even though I am surrounded by all my family. I'm having a hard time taking care of my 2 young kids. I just don't know how to go on.

i understand what you mean about your mom being your best friend. My mom was the only person that understood me and loved me unconditionally. I feel like a part of me is gone, and i feel broken. My mom was my friend as well as my mother. I try my best to be with family, and i smile and laugh on the outside. But in the inside all i feel is an emptiness that threatens to consume me.

i keep remembering when we first heard that there were masses in her pancreas, she told me not to worry that she was going to be fine. She kept telling me she could defeat me. Even though i knew the reality of her diagnosis, i still prayed until the last minute for a miracle. But now her words haunt me, and i keep remembering them over and over. 

My mother lost her brother when she was pregnant with me, 31 years ago. And she thought of her all the time in those 30 years. She told me that she cried for him and never got over her loss. I wonder if now i will have to carry her loss for the rest of my life. And if i will be strong enough to do so.

My mom had her children to help her to keep going. But except for my family, i am on my own. I am painfully shy, so guys never noticed me, and i was never brave enough to try. I always thought that if i never managed to get married, that at least i wouldnt be alone. But now i feel so alone, and lost. :( 

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I am so sorry for your loss. I too am grieving the loss of my mother who passed away suddenly on the 23rd of October 2016. She had a stroke. I still cannot believe that this nightmare is real. She was 63 years old. I am 38. Like previous response I am finding it very difficult to deal with my grief whilst caring for my two young children. I have to go on. I have to keep functioning but I'm not sure how. 

You have to kero fighting for you mum. I'm sure she would want that. 

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Has anyone tried talking to a professional? 

My mother told me before she passed to make sure I get help and talk to someone she knew I was going to need it.

Just curious if anyone has had any positive outcomes talking to a greif counselor?

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Me too. 6 days today. I cannot function at all. I know mom would hate to see me like this but I feel like I fell into a deep black hole and I cannot crawl out. I was her carer and the days have no meaning anymore. I'm so lost. 

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We have the same story it seems except I am not very close to my siblings. I know they love me but not too close. My mother died of pancreatic cancer in September and was diagnosed in April. It was too fast  too soon. I was so close to her and seeing her pass was one of the most devastating things I have ever gone through. I was depressed and anxious for most of this year and she also knew. Towards the end I was so anxious that I did not know what to do, it was too much seeing her suffer. She was my rock, everything I know or am is because of her. The good parts not the bad...that was my doing. I have isolated myself from family and friends. I can't muster the energy to leave my house and if I do its only for a little while. Then the anxiety comes in and I have to get home ASAP. 

Hospice offers grief counseling but I have not gone. I am very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with everyone on this post. 

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On 5 November 2016 at 11:26 AM, Monty said:

I am so sorry for your loss. I too am grieving the loss of my mother who passed away suddenly on the 23rd of October 2016. She had a stroke. I still cannot believe that this nightmare is real. She was 63 years old. I am 38. Like previous response I am finding it very difficult to deal with my grief whilst caring for my two young children. I have to go on. I have to keep functioning but I'm not sure how. 

You have to kero fighting for you mum. I'm sure she would want that. 

My heart goes out to everybody out there. So sorry to join this club. I too lost my dearest mom on October 23rd to a brain stroke. She never complained or had any health problems, it just happened. It makes it even harder to believe as just that morning we were making plans for the rest of the day.. 

My mother was also in her 60s, and I am 35 yrs. old with 3 kids, all of whom were very close to my mom. Mom came to visit me (I live in another country, far away from home) and I brought her back to my dad in a box of ashes. That's insane.

I am having a lot of "if" moments, it's exhausting. Every day I ask her forgiveness that  I could not save her. These moments when the ambulance took her and later we found out that the stroke was hemorraghic and not operable, are still haunting me. 

I lost her instantly without a chance to say good-bye. We never talked about death and what if... I wish we could have done that... I would love to have something to hold onto. My mother lost her mother exactly at the same age as I am now, I was too little to remember my grandmother. But I remember my mother always grieved for her, and at some point I grieved too as I never met my grandmother. This is what is going to happen to my kids. My youngest one is 3 yrs. old and even though she spent a lot of time with her grandma since her birth, I grieve that she never gets a chance anymore to meet my beautiful mom who loved her so.. The most heartbreaking thing was finding Christmas gifts for my kids after her death which she had already bought prior to her death. 

But beside my intense pain I also feel much anger. I cannot get any time off work and it kills me both emotionally and physically. I barely function at work, cannot concentrate. Everybody acts as if nothing has happened, but I want to shout that yes, my worst nightmare happened. I am normally a very funny, communicative person, I liked to hang out with people, spend time with friends. But I was left utterly alone in this thing. None of my friends have experienced a loss of a mother, and did not support me at the funeral and stuff. Because funerals are inconvenient, frightening, make you think of the mortality of your own parents. So only one of my friends attended the  funeral. The hardest thing was finding out later on facebook that other "friends" were just having a good time on that Friday. Somehow it hurt me so much. I not only lost my mother, but I lost people who I considered friends. What really scares me is that anger building up inside me - I just wish one day they lose a parent and they understand this pain. Because after my mother died and now I only want to talk about her, and they want something more "positive". 

I still have my dad and during the course of  events we have become very close, sharing every thought of mom and sharing our pain. However, mom was everything for me, my whole world.

It will be two months soon that I have not talked to my mom, heard her voice. The worst part is that, I guess, I still cannot process that she is really gone. I am not spiritual and do not believe in anything. Yes, she is in my mind every second of every day, but her physical presence would make me a saner person. But I still cannot process the fact that she is really dead. I mean, how can she one minute be here and gone another??? My dad and my sister feel the same - it's like she is wandering somewhere out there, but not dead. Is it normal that almost two months after I cannot really accept the fact that she is dead? 

Christmas will be hard..

 

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Hey, Athina.

Welcome to the forums.  It's a terrible place to be, but as good a place as any given our situations.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friends--that's a really tough one.  I'd be so upset, too, if my friends just declined because they couldn't be bothered.  As it was, I was angry at some of Mom's neighbors who didn't show (especially the church-going ones who make a big deal about their faith but don't end up acting in a very Christian manner.)

Christmas really does suck, doesn't it?  There's this random commercial in the US about a guy who gets a coffee maker from his Mom, and he interrupts a conference call to phone her and thank her for it.  I really hate that one.  I even hate those damn bell-ringing Hershey's Kisses. 

Sometimes I can be OK, because I convince myself that this is just like any other time between our visits.  Then I remember that I can't ever have one more hug, one more smile, one more laugh.  Aaaaand I start crying in the middle of the spice aisle in the grocery store. 

One thing I find comforting is reading/posting to this forum.  I felt so utterly alone before I found it.  Then I started reading everyone's posts and seeing my deepest sadnesses put into words by others.  That makes it feel a little less earth-shattering somehow.

 

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