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72 Days


JustMe840

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It's been 72 days since Bill died. 72 days that feels every bit of 72 years. I can't stand the thought of living the rest of my life without him. I was so angry with him for taking away our wonderful life and future for nothing. I'm not so angry anymore, just heartbroken. It's worse now than ever. Every day I miss him more. I just don't care about anything. I do everything I'm supposed to but there is absolutely no joy.  I just want to go to sleep and wake up the day I'm to join him. Just skip all this. It's just too hard, I'm not as strong as people believe I am or I thought i was.This is by far the worst thing I've ever had to deal with. I just don't know where to go from here.   

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I know what you are going through because I'm going through the same. It sucks doesn't it. My husband also died from an aortic dissection. I found out after his death that he had had  abnormal lab results for his heart and was referred to a cardiologist back in February, something he never followed up with or told anyone about. He was 55 and I'm 37. I feel exactly as you do. I just want to skip  to the end. Nothing seems worth it anymore. I don't know where to go from here either. I have young kids, so I go through the motions and take care of what I have to take care of and manage to look like I'm doing okay, so people think I'm strong, but inside I'm dying and I really don't know how I'll get through life like this. I'm sorry, I can't be much help. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Sending virtual hugs your way. 

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I am so sorry for your loss Gina. I can't imagine having to care for young children in this state of mind. Yes, it does totally suck.  People  here say it eases up eventually, I am soooooo hoping that's true. I do not want to feel this way for the rest of my life. If I figure anything out, I'll be sure to pass it on so maybe it will help you.  Hugs to you. 

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JustMe840----I'm so sorry---I feel the same as you and the timing of our loss is the same. I feel worse everyday. I have 2 pets to take care of, everything else I've had to do has been robotic. I live alone, besides the pets. My life revolved around my husband and I constantly feel alone without my husband here. A lot of your words I can relate to. I hate getting up in the morning.There are plenty of times I wish I could just stay in bed and skip this existence also. I don't have too much of a support system either. My husband and I were basically each other's support. He had a lot of friends which were my friends but everyone goes back to their own lives. People tell me to take it one minute , one hour, one day at a time. It's been a struggle and I don't sleep well. We were married in 1998 and my job was getting downsized. My husband told me I didn't need to work because he made a good income, so the following year I became a homemaker. My husband was a self-employed logging truck driver and I had more time to handle the paperwork end of the business and more time to spend with him. I took my marriage vows seriously and loved my husband with all my heart. I was proud to be his wife and my daily life revolved around him and our home. I'm supposed to move forward now and develop a different life. I can't comprehend anything. I loved the life I had with my husband. He was my everything. I don't have an interest in anything, no motivation to do any of the normal chores. I'm just an emotional, lost mess. I was always strong for my husband and he admired that in me. Without him, I don't have anything in me now. I hate to let him down, I want him to be proud of me for going on somehow until we're together again in the afterlife. but I'm 57 and I can't comprehend being here in this life without him.

Sorry I rambled. I wish I had words to help comfort you. This is the biggest, most devastating event in my life. I've lost family members when I was still growing up. My husband and I both lost family members and close friends, but we were there for each other. What do you do when you lose your partner in life and you are on your own to deal with it?

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JustMe840,

You are describing what we all feel when we lose our spouse.  My pets gave me incentive but it's the hardest thing in the world to keep going when we don't feel like it.  All I know is, if we give up we remove all chance of anything ever getting better.  I've tried really hard, worked hard at my grief, processing it, finding purpose again, rebuilding my life, it's taken more effort and been harder than anything I've been through in my entire life, and that says a lot.  It's been eleven years for me, I think it took me about three years just to process my grief, it's different for everyone depending on our own coping skills, the grief work we put in, our personalities, etc., but I want to encourage you that it can be done.  I try not to look at the whole "rest of my life" but just take on today, that is enough.  Sure I have to plan for the future to some extent, taxes, etc. but other than that, it helps to stay in today.  I try to look for good in each day, no matter how small...it has transformed me.  It might be something small like a puppy's kiss, a rainbow, seeing a hummingbird, etc.  Anything that might have been meaningful to the two of you I accept as a sign.  

It does help to come here and express yourself.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve, only your way.  We are here to listen, to care, and to validate your feelings.  I'm sorry it's so rough.

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I know exactly what you're going through. It's day 37 for me, it only gets more excruciating with each day. My fiancé died unexpectedly.

Feels like I was in a plane crash, everyone died and I'm the only survivor, left to live half-dead. He was my everything, I have nothing else. I would have preferred for my life to be taken too. 

Wish I had words of comfort for you, but I'm not sure there are any such words. Somehow we just keep going. 

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