Lost fiance at 29 yrs old to heart attack last year

[Dint]

    

  It was just an ordinary day on September 15th, 2015 when suddenly things took a terrible turn and I learned the news that Phil, my fiancé, was being flown to the hospital in Duluth, MN for a heart attack. I was at work when I received this devastating news. I left work immediately and one of his cousins was good enough to drive me the hour it took to get to the hospital…

 

  I will take a moment to describe Phil’s parents, and a bit of their own health issues as it plays a major role in my grieving to this very day…

 

 Phil’s dad is blind and has a degenerative muscle disease known as IBM, or Inclusion body myositis. Daily tasks for him are a struggle as his fingers, arms and legs no longer have the strength or the dexterity to function properly.

  Phil’s mom has severe heart issues of her own and also suffers from diabetes and has been on kidney dialysis for several years. Her eyesight is also poorly, has no feeling in her legs, and also has great difficulty getting around and doing certain tasks. Phil was their only child, and he saw his parents every day and took great care of his mom and dad…I respect Phil so much for loving his parents and taking such excellent care of them when he was alive. It’s one of the things that attracted me to him. He was so giving of himself to others and didn’t think twice to be there for someone…  

  But, our worst fears were realized after we finally arrived at the hospital and learned that they were fighting for his life and his condition was very critical.

 I remember hours of waiting before we could even see him. The long walk down the hallway to the operating room was agonizing. We made a human chain with our arms linked together down that endless hallway. And when I first saw Phil laying on the table with just a white sheet covering him up, and giant tubes coming from his legs, was the most terrible sight. The priest gave him the Sacrament of The Sick and we prayed over him, and suddenly we were brought back out to the waiting room.

After a while, they finally wheeled him out and he was moved to a different floor...there were highs and lows---one moment we would hear reports that he was doing well, and other times we learned that they had to do chest compressions to keep his heart going. We spent the night in the hospital in the family room. We would visit Phil when we could, when the hospital staff weren’t working on him and he was stable enough for visitors. The night seemed to last forever…

 

  On September 16th was the last time Phil was able to communicate with us. He was brought out of his coma for just a while when he was stable enough and they wanted to check on his brain function.

We were very blessed to have had those few moments as Phil was able to squeeze our hands and we were able to say we loved him. It was a positive sign that we desperately needed as it brought us hope that things would be ok.

As the day went on, things got worse, and they decided to transport Phil to the University of Minnesota as they didn't have the resources to care for him in Duluth. More complications arose, and he had to go back into surgery before he could be transported by airplane to the cities.

  We got moved to a new waiting room, and hours later one of the surgeons came to us and told us what had happened. One of the tubes in his legs that was connected to the artery came dislodged and he was bleeding profusely, causing a massive hematoma under his skin. He had lost a lot of blood. They ended up having to stop the bleeding in that leg, and connect both tubes to the other leg. The surgeon was hopeful and told us, "Bring him back when he gets better. I want to see him!"

Then Phil's journey to the cities began flying by airplane and fighting for his life.

When finally arriving to the cities, we were destined to wait for another 4-5 hours as they did another emergency operation on Phil as soon as he landed. They connected the tubes from his legs directly to his heart.

Hours and hours and hours! The waiting was horrible. Finally he was out of surgery and was moved to a different floor. After more waiting, we were finally able to see Phil.

  It shocked me to see him like he was. He was puffy all over, tubes and wires everywhere. Again, the white sheet covered his body up to his shoulders, and hid the awful truth of what was really happening underneath. Seeing someone you love so much in that state is unimaginable. Just earlier that day we thought he would get better, and now our hopes were dashed again as things became more bleak.

  We had Phil receive the Sacrament of The Sick once more, this time with family and friends packed into his tiny room, surrounding his bed, spilling out into the hall way--we laid our hands on him and prayed with the priest over him. His body was anointed again. It was beautiful---you could FEEL everyone's prayers for Phil, we were so close together, smashed in that tiny room shoulder to shoulder with everyone who loved him so much...

 

....Brain damage, nursing home, wheel chair, the loss of use of his limbs. All of the above. All possibilities of what the future looked like for us.

But God chose for us, and on September 17th, 2015 family and friends gathered all together in another little room, the doctor told us that there was no brain activity, there were signs of a stroke, or multiple strokes, that he probably died sometime the night before--that there was nothing else to be done. Phil was 29 years old…

 

  It has been a year since that awful day, and I am grappling with his loss every day since. The hopeful future we were planning together is now lost. October 8^th was supposed to be our wedding day…

  Facing life without him is proving very difficult. We had dated 6 years, and on June 22^nd, 3 months before his passing, he proposed to me.

  You can imagine the devastation his parents are now dealing with as well, and I have tried to be there for them as much as I could. For months I went to see them 6-5 days a week to just be there with them and to do things for them. It was to the point that I saw them more than my own family, and it ended up being too much for me. They are not yet emotionally ready for assisted living and I feel it’s not my place to say anything. I gradually reduced my visits to once a week, and to take Phil’s dad to church on the weekend. But since I have done this, things are not the same between us. Phil was their only link to the outside world as their lack of mobility keeps them homebound.

  I feel incredibly guilty for this. I feel as though I am failing Phil by not being there for his parents like he was. I tried very hard, but I found myself thinking about his parents and their struggles more than anything, and I am slowly realizing that I don’t think I have had time to grieve for him properly on my own. I love his parents dearly, and they have been very kind and generous to me. But I have been feeling so angry lately…I am fearful...I feel guilty. I never thought I would be facing these challenges without Phil being here. Life without him is something that I am trying to accept. It’s lonely, and my family doesn’t know what to say to me anymore because I am always obsessing and worrying about his mom and dad. The guilt is overwhelming sometimes…

  Phil’s mother is constantly in and out of the hospital and it has been worse since Phil’s passing. I feel like a failure. I am trying to tell myself that I can’t take Phil’s place. No one can. This is where I am on my journey without Phil. It’s hard…I try and think of what he would want me to do. I hate when people tell me “This is not what Phil would want for you.” Though I know they are trying to comfort me, it doesn’t help. I know that if it was me gone, and if my parents were in such a state Phil would be there 100%. It’s the kind of guy he was…I don’t know if I am irrational about this or not---how does a fiancé of a deceased person deal with their ailing parents? What are the boundaries? What is appropriate for a would-be daughter-in-law?

  I wish I could talk to Phil and ask for his advice. He always had a plan and could figure things out…I am trying to lean on my faith in God and trust in His plan for all of us…

  So I'm going to ask whoever is reading this to please say an Our Father, because that was Phil's go-to prayer in times of need. He prayed while in the ambulance with one of the EMTs when he was picked up from the hardware store where he first felt symptoms of the heart attack...say an Our Father for someone you love!

  Also, give your pets extra loving as Phil loved all critters small and fuzzy. Treat people with respect and ALWAYS say hello. That was a big deal to Phil. A simple hello and "How are you doing?" goes a long way. Give your attention to little kids--Phil always took the time to play and talk with little ones! Build something cool and follow your passions, whatever that may be! Phil was at the hardware store to buy supplies for a foundry he wanted to construct to melt copper and metal! He was always creating and tinkering with something.

Phil, I miss you like crazy, but I will see you eventually---please pray for us down below and help us be good and kind through your good example!

 

Jesus, I trust in You. (Though it’s very difficult.....)

[KayC]

I am so sorry you lost your Phil...I lost my George to heart attack, suddenly and unexpectedly.  Those last hours/days haunt us, every moment, everything indelibly etched in our soul.  

You ask about dealing with his parents...that is individual depending on your relationship with them.  If they seem open to it, I would extend myself towards them and try to help them.

People want to fix us, but they can't.  We have to learn to live with this changed life and it takes more time and effort than they can imagine.  

[claribassist13]

Dint, 

I can very closely relate to a lot of your concerns over your in-law's (because that's essentially what they were). 

I lost my fiance in a car accident back in December. The loss shocking and unexpected, and he had been dead for hours by the time his family was informed. I was informed minutes after they received the news for themselves. 
I left work straight away that night and went over to their home, where I stayed for the next week as I helped his sister and mother plan his memorial service. Every weekend for months after that week I would stay over at the house. I did this for months and months, being the strong shoulder for everyone to cry on. His mother would spill her griefs to me all the time, his father grieved very privately and could not share in his mother's grief.
I put aside grieving for months before I began noticing some of the same feelings you described feeling in myself. I was angry and bitter all the time. I loved his family as much as my own, but I was beginning to harbor resentment towards them, especially his mother. No one in that house was in a position where they could ask me how I was doing. They would try, but they were so consumed with their own grief that the conversation would always turn back to them.

I was angry, lashing out at inappropriate moments. I felt guilty about what I was feeling; I felt that I should have been doing more for his family. I promised him that I would care for his family, and I felt that I wasn't living up to my promise.
But I had to scale back. I could feel myself going crazy in my own mind. I just knew that I would burst at any moment and that all manner of awful things would come flying out of my mouth. It was difficult to do, and I felt incredibly guilty for having to pull away some. It was the best thing I could do for myself, though. I could be of no use to his family if I was not taking care of myself.

I have always been extremely close with his family, so I am well aware of what boundaries do and do not exist. As far as it concerns your in-laws, that depends on your relationship with them. I admire you wanting to be there for them, but you absolutely must take care of yourself.
If you feel like it's a good idea, keep up the once weekly visits. Maybe call during the week. Do what you feel like you can, and don't be afraid to bring up your concerns to them. If they love you as much as you love them, they will see that your concerns come from a place of love.
All you can do is what you can do. It is ultimately up to his parents to make the final decision.

I will tell you that it means so much to his parents that you have 'stuck around' so long after Phil's death. I say this because I know that my continued involvement in my fiance's family means the world to them. I was a member of the family long before his death, and it's been comforting on all sides to continue on with the relationship.
In the end, you must do what is best for yourself. Unfortunately, we cannot save everyone.

If you ever want to talk, please feel free to private message me. I can definately relate to your situation.     

[Ajsmother]

Hello Dint,

Honey I can relate to your story as well. the love of my life was 28 when he passed from a fatal motorcycle accident. it has been a little over 2 months since his passing and I still at times think that it's a dream. It's reality. I commend your faith in God love, as that has been my only source of comfort. 

Do not beat yourself up for taking time for yourself. it is very imperative that you don't lose yourself. you are only 1 person and can only do so much. I am sure his parents are elated that you are helping them, and your fiancé is ever more thrilled that you are helping out as well. it is ok, to take a step back and re-evaluate things as we now have to create our new normal without our loved one . 

On Sunday ,  my pastor preached about God Whispering. for the past couple of months, I have prayed for God for strength and comfort and sometimes I feel as though he is not listening. it took my pastor to tell the congregation, that God does his best work in the midst of our storm, and just because we can see him or hear him, doesn't mean that he is not working in our favor. I have been expecting God to work on my behalf  but in a loud and flamboyant way. I know now that God is working and talking to me, he is just whispering. so for you love, cast all your cares on to the Lord, sit still and listen because God is whispering and in order for us to hear him  we have to be still. I am praying for your comfort and peace. 

[MLG23]

I also lost my fiancé and have found it difficult to focus on myself with his mother trying to reach out often. The one thing I have tried to do is to make sure I am emotionally prepared and ready to answer any texts or questions I'm being asked. If the very sight of a number popping up or thinking about a situation gives me stress, I know I need to back off and focus on me. Still hard to do, but the more stress you put on yourself to do everything or anything, the harder the grief or healing process can really be. This is coming from my own experience though! 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, MLG23 said:

If the very sight of a number popping up or thinking about a situation gives me stress, I know I need to back off and focus on me.

Very wise to realize!  When we are grieving, we really do need to focus on ourselves, it takes everything within us to process this and live through it!

[Dint]

Please forgive me for this reply--I wish I could respond individually to each of you, but I am still trying to figure how how this website works...!

  Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful responses to my post. They have all helped me in my time of doubt and to help deal with my grief. I am still struggling, but I feel strengthened that there is support from good people here. I feel I am able to be more open here, and it is so helpful that there are those who are going through similar struggles. Let me say to each of you, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one leaves such a deep wound in the heart. This is my first experience with losing someone very close to me, and someone whom I loved (and still love!) very much. I hope everyone here can find some kind of solace. I will keep each of you in my prayers!

 

  I think what scares me most right now is the prospect of another funeral in the future with Phil's mom. I'm terrified of reliving, in a sense, what I already went through with Phil. His mother's health is always a big issue, and she recently had surgery on her leg because of a fall she suffered in the apartment where she lives with her husband. I'm still trying to be there when I can, but to also try and live my life. However, I feel that things are put on hold once more as she is now trying very hard to recover from this recent trauma. And as the hospital where she is recovering is an hour away, I feel it is my duty to bring her husband to see her as he can't drive. I feel like things just keep on getting worse---I fear being stuck in the routine I was in before, I fear what may happen if Phil's mom were to pass away from complications due to the fall she recently suffered and her other health issues...I fear for Phil's dad and what may happen to him...sometimes fear and sadness overcome me when things like this crop up and the stress and worry feel too much. I feel very selfish sometimes...

  I know Phil's dad especially appreciates me bringing him to see her, and I am glad to help...I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes. I will try to keep everyone's kind words in mind through this recent trial. I really can't thank you all enough for the encouragement and kindness. It's what I desperately need at this point in time and I appreciate the support!

God bless <3

[KayC]

If you are feeling overwhelmed, you probably are...is there anyone that can help you with his parents, take turns, give you some relief?  You have a lot you're dealing with right now.  
I hope you're able to get some help from professional grief counseling, they might know of some resources that could help, maybe senior services.  Hospice is a good support but if you never had that connection, that's a moot point.  

[claribassist13]

Dint, 

You can always use the "Quote" option below a person's post to respond directly to them. Or, you can click on their name. It will bring you to their profile where you can privately message them. 

I have to second KayC's advice. If there is someone else who could help you, that would be ideal. You have to make sure that you are taking the time to deal with your own stuff. You can't be helpful to anybody if you are struggling with your own stuff. 

Losing his mother would be hard, but I also believe that the loss would be very different. You will have to decide for yourself as to how involved you want to stay.