My friend is gone now

[Unclejohn]

I lost my Siamese Friday morning. He was my friend. Eros was his name, and he didn't have a mean bone in his body.  I have known wonderful cats my whole life, but he was special. So much so that the pain rivals any I have experienced in my life through any loss. We were so close for 15 years, and I'm sure he saved my life many many times in the past 3 or 4 years, as I have dealt with some very serious issues. I've been caring for him through his sickness for almost a year now, and dreading the inevitable outcome. My son(20) is as grief stricken as my wife and i are. I came to this forum to read and maybe even understand what is inconsolably present in our lives now, and hopefully begin to heal. I would guess it's hard for some to believe we could be so attached to a cat, and for that I am sorry - but I assure you, we become attached to a beings very soul when we experience love. Something that is thoughroly beyond measure.

[KayC]

I am so sorry you lost your cat...I lost mine in June and I still miss her, so much.  She was part Siamese, by her markings, but she had the tiniest little voice, very feminine and she was flirtatious with any man.  It's hard when you have a cat that is so special and you've had them in your family for a very long time and then lose them.

There are no words to help one over grief, it becomes ever present in our lives, yet thankfully, it evolves and does not stay at the same level of intensity...we could not handle that.  I lost my husband 11 years ago and the missing him continues on a daily basis.  I have a memorial stone for him and each of my pets in the back yard...my kids call it our "family plot", it's where I want my ashes scattered someday.

Peace to your heart...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcQvYh_3Atw

[Unclejohn]

Thank you KayC. I bet your little Kittie had the sweetest voice. Im so mistified by loss. Grief is such a black hole. There seems to be no way to adjust to the vacuum that exists in a loved ones departure.  

[KayC]

It's hard for me to believe she's been gone this long (June 3), I still think about her, a lot.  They really leave a hole behind, no one else can fill.

[Unclejohn]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

It's hard for me to believe she's been gone this long (June 3), I still think about her, a lot.  They really leave a hole behind, no one else can fill.

What was her name KayC? My father in-law said" enjoy their sweet voices "(we had a pair) on his deathbed 15 years ago. I never forgot that thought..

[KayC]

Her name...Miss Mocha.  She had blue eyes and a black heart shaped nose.  She'd blink-blink at men and roll from side to side, extremely flirtatious!  And When she got their attention, she'd give me a smug look that said, "See?  I got him!"

[KayC]

How are YOU doing?

[Unclejohn]

On 10/24/2016 at 6:49 AM, KayC said:

[Unclejohn]

I'm doing alright thank you KayC. It's been an emotionally difficult last year. He developed an abdominal tumor about a year ago, which slowly grew to a plumb size. He was still active and not in any visible pain, so we just spoiled him with his favorites and love. I never viewed him as a good candidate for invasive procedure, and he also was terrified of the vets office. He eventually began to vomit, sometimes as frequently as every two or three days until he began to lose weight. But his appetite remained unaffected, as did most of his qol. I don't know for sure that I made the right chioce, but I am at peace with the decision not to have a vet operate. I just don't think he would have responded well. At 15yo I didn't care to take his peace away. Maybe at ten or twelve I may have tried. I'm not sure.

We had about a year before one day he gave the traditional white flag behavior of a sick animal. He looked for a quite place to die. It took about a day until his breathing slowed. He made an obvious effort to say goodbye to each of his family. He new what was now going to happen. He literally picked up his head, stretched out as he looked to us and put his head down. He he took about twenty more breathes and then passed away.

Your Miss Mocha was a pretty little thing. And the heart shaped nose,.. cute as a button. June must be a very tough month for you. I'm sorry for that.

[KayC]

Thank you.  My dog (Golden Retriever/Siberian Husky) has tumors but I've elected not to operate.  One is in from his armpit, opposite his heart, it's also about plum sized, but it's fixed (not pliable/movable) which usually means cancer, and I don't want them to open him up because I'm afraid it'll cause it to spread, and also am not sure he'd survive anesthesia.  I had surgery nearly two years ago and they over-anesthetized me and I died on the operating table...fortunately they were able to bring me back with thrusts to the chest.  So that worries me now.  He was 140 lbs and I've got him down to 120 now, he isn't overweight, just huge, and super-sized dogs like him live 9 to 1 instead of 7 to 1 of smaller dogs, so that puts him at his upper 70s right now.  Golden Retrievers have a life span of nine, which is what he'll be Valentine's Day.

I think you made the right decision, like you say, if he was younger, maybe, but I had friends who had dogs with cancer and they went through chemo and one lost his leg...because of the surgery it spread and he died within months after going through all that...and he was still just a pup.

12 hours ago, Unclejohn said:

He literally picked up his head, stretched out as he looked to us and put his head down.

Bless your cat's heart, 

[Unclejohn]

I hope for the best with your dog KayC.

Anesthesia is some complicated stuff. I was "put out" once as an adult before surgery, and I don't think I have ever gotten my brain power back after that. Tricky stuff indeed,  because we are all so different in our tolerances. Glad you made it back ok!

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I hope I did the right thing with Eros.

I was listening to George Harrison this morning, " All things must pass". Sort of the beautiful anthem for life and loss. Cried like a baby. I feel like putty these days. And I'm a pretty tough guy.  I'm more convinced then ever hell is on earth, because nothing after death could be so difficult than losing a loved one. 

 

[KayC]

I've lost so many pets over my life, my parents, grandparents, niece, nephew, aunts & uncles, friends, and hardest of all, my husband.  I think losing one's pet that you are close to is second only to losing your soulmate, maybe because in a way that's how they seem, they are our beloved companion, devoted and loving.  I've learned a lot about survival, not sure I could put it into words, but I have learned some things along the way that have helped me.

1) Stay in the present...thinking about the whole rest of your life invites anxiety and staying in the past causes you to miss what good there is today.

2) Look for something good in each day, no matter how brief, how small, nothing is too trivial to consider.  Practicing this has caused me to appreciate and turned my focus positive rather than dwelling only on loss.  It takes concerted effort.

3) I've learned to incorporate my loss into my life, I carry my grief with me as I go about my life...it's not like we are ever over and done with it.  We continue to miss them, but little by little we begin to adjust to this "life without" and we hone our skills at coping.

4) Express yourself.  It helps to know you are heard, understood, validated.  Don't let anyone be dismissive of you or relegate your loss to lesser importance.  Your feelings are valid!  Stand up for yourself and be heard.

5) Build your life the way you want it to be, as much as you are able.  You are the only one who can shape and mold it, no one will do it for you.  Think about what you value, what you like.  How do you see yourself living?  I don't look at this as being something we've ever achieved or are over and done with it, but something to continually strive towards as we are ever evolving and changing.

6) Tell yourself it won't be like this forever.  When I've been in really hard places in my life, that has been my mantra.  Even if the loss is permanent, even though the missing them continues, the intensity lessens as we begin to adjust to the loss.  Our bodies truly are amazing in their ability to adapt and cope, even when we can't imagine being able to do so...we do get through it.  We heal to some degree but never like it was "before", our scars are not only a reminder of what we've been through, but sometimes, like a broken bone healing, we become stronger...and often it has nothing to do with how we're feeling.  Sometimes our strength seems imperceptible to us when we're in it.

 

[forhim7]

I am sorry for your losses.  My Gracie(dog) died last week.  My heart is so broken and the loneliness is overwhelming.  I lost my husband in 2000, my mom in 2001, my dog Alex is 2009, and my Gracie last week.  I am so sick of loss and loneliness.  

[KayC]

I'm sorry you've had so many losses, I have too, it seems loss is a part of life, a part of our relationship and love, but gosh it's hard!

[forhim7]

Yes it is KayC

[Unclejohn]

Sorry for your loss forhim7. Thank you for your condolence.

KayC, it seems life is really ultimately a lesson in learning to let go. To let go of our youth and innocence, our loved ones, our dreams and then ultimately our very lives. Still the world as an impossibly beautiful canvass, and something still compels me to push on.  I do possess faith and that's enough,  to endure the loss of loved ones.