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Husband died suddenly.. I can't take this pain..


GinaN

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Hello, this is my first post. I am devastated. I lost my husband of 12 years suddenly 7 weeks ago from an aortic dissection. He was 55. He complained of back pain and called a doctor friend of his. During the phone call he said he actually felt better and we were about to hang up when it happened. I thought it was a seizure, called 911 immediately and did CPR until ambulance came. I saw him die in front of me. I've never felt so utterly helpless in my life. 

Every day I yearn for him every moment of every day. I cry constantly. He was the love of my life. People have told me it doesn't ever get easy, but it gets easier. I don't believe it will be easier. I feel worse every day. I can't let go. I miss him so much. He was the love of my life, my best friend, and my everything. 

We have two young children. It's so very hard for them too. It kills me to see them depressed and crying in such agony. I find no comfort in anything at all. After a long day of taking care of the kids, and the stress of homework and just taking care of young kids, including one with special needs, I always looked forward to him coming home from work. We would chat, we'd watch a show together. He always knew how to make me laugh. He did so much for me always. It was always a treat being with him. We had a good relationship, and he was a good and loving husband. He loved me so much and I loved him. 

I honestly believe I will be sad and miserable for the rest of the days I have left. I feel like my life is ruined. I'm 37 and the idea of living 30+ years without him (I'm in great health) terrifies me. If it weren't for the fact that I have kids, I would wish for death today. I really don't know how I'm going to get through life. I never imagined emotional pain could be so utterly horrible. 

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Hi Gina---You came to the right place looking for comfort. I am so sorry that you are going through this like the rest of us on here. I'm in this unbearable reality only one week longer than you. My husband also passed of an instant heart attack. Right here at home while I was sleeping.  I am 57 and I cannot comprehend how I am to go on for x number of years without the love of my life. i struggle through the days, trying to be strong one minute and breaking down the next minute.

Please, consider yourself and your children. Your husband wants you to take care of and raise them. Your children are a part of the both of you, the best part.

I went to my 1st grief support meeting last month. It's held at a local hospice office. It helps being with other people that completely understand what I am trying to cope with. Maybe you and your kids can find a place for support. Grief therapy counseling costs money, so if that's not an option, look for a free community program like I did.

Sending hugs and prayers to you and your children.

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Gina

I am so sorry for your loss. Reading your story has me in tears, I know how you feel about losing the love of your life. I was with my husband for 16 1/2 yrs. He was 10 yrs younger then me only 46 yrs old, there is no reason he should have been the first to die. We did everything together and so there is a great big emptiness in my life now like a big void that will never be filled. I cant imagine going through what we are going through with children and having to help them through what we are not sure how we will get through it. Though let me tell you a story of a friend of mine.

 She had been in a really bad relationship and I wont go into those details, just know it was bad. She got out of it by the help of a great guy who she ended up marring later on. He was really good for her and her 3 kids who had been through hell. Nurtured them all back to some sense of normality. Then 3 yrs after they were married, he died. She was devastated, here was her knight who had rescued her, now all of sudden he was gone. She had 3 beautiful girls that she loved with all her heart. She sank into a really deep depression and didn't know if she could live without him. It got so bad one day that she went to his grave with her gun, knowing she couldn't live without him. She loved the girls but was not thinking about them, only the depression that had taken hold of her. She actually put the gun to her head and pulled the trigger, but the gun jammed and nothing happened. It made her realize that this was not the thing to do. She went home, made it through the healing process. Her thoughts on why the gun didn't fire is that her husband reached down and stopped the gun from firing. She has gone onto marry another really great guy and the girls have grown up with another father in their life. They have since taken that gun out and shot it many times since, it has never jammed since that one time.

So know this, that though it seems so dark and terrible right now. The days will get better, sometimes they will get worse but it will get better, maybe not easier. Take advantage of any help you can get from anyone on anything, you need that help right now. Do not be afraid to ask for it, even if it is something small. You need time to yourself also, you have to have the time to grieve. Know that there are others on here who are going through this and will help you with words and kindness and understanding.

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Hi Gina. So sorry to read your story. My heart goes out to you. I lost my husband in very similar circumstances. I know my body is still in shock and will be for some time. There are some very supportive people here and I hope you will find some comfort. Your children are your husband's legacy. Live for them. Sending hugs. X

 

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Gina,

I'm so sorry, I know it's the hardest thing in the world losing the love of your life.  I, too, had a wonderful husband, we were so in love, so connected, I couldn't imagine how I could live life without him.  It's been eleven years and somehow I've had to...one day at a time.  I've lost my job three times, had to deal with house repairs, broken right elbow, surgery, losing my mom to dementia, and so much else, and somehow I've made it through it all...alone.  Yes it's hard, but it can be done and gotten through.

You have children that need you...I've a dog and cat that need me, they're my incentive to get up and keep going.  I've learned that while the big joy in my life (George) is gone, there are little joys that come my way and it's up to me to embrace them and appreciate them fully.  I have also learned to carry him inside of me and when I need him most, I reach inside and receive his comfort and encouragement.

In the beginning, thoughts of him brought pain, now thoughts of him bring a smile...although I still miss him like I always did and sometimes lament and cry out for him!  At least the pain isn't as intense or frequent as it was in those early days/months/years.

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Although I was not yet married, I can understand some of the feelings you may be experiencing. When I first lost him I too thought despair was my new reality. Nothing seems as great as his smile or laugh. But I actually remembered a conversation we had about what we would want if one of us passed(we had hoped it was far in the future of course), and he said he would just want me to learn to be happy again, live with a purpose and live fully. I am sure your husband would want that and so much more for you and your kids. 

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Thank you all for your responses. I'm sorry for your losses. Sorry I didn't reply.  I'm just  trying to keep it together but this is killing me. This was supposed to be a happy time for us. We were going to be moving to a new home soon. I've been getting rid of things we weren't going to take with us. We started the process the weekend he died. It was an exciting time, and he was just ripped away from us. I feel like everything we worked for was a waste of time. We put off so many things to work hard and now when we were supposed to enjoy the fruit of our years of labor and after putting our life on hold, vacations on hold, this happens. I feel so shorthanded. I feel like life doesn't matter. We were choosing bathroom designs, paint, counter tops.. We waited years for this and now it doesn't matter. Now all I want to do is raise my kids until they are independent adults then I hope I just die. I've been going through this torture for 2 months today. I am still crying multiple times every day. The loneliness is killing me. He used to call me multiple times a day. We used to talk about everything. Who do I talk to about the kids now? Nobody.. because only parents care about their kids the way parents care about their kids? I'm so overwhelmed and tired. Sorry this is probably semi-coherent. I'm just typing what I feel, but I'll stop now. 

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Gina----It's ok to get your feelings out---we all need to. The loss of your husband, the loss of your plans, the loss of your future with all of your family. It's all overwhelming and painful. I know how hard it is for you. How are your kids doing? Your husband would want you to take care of them and yourself.

Hugs to you and your kids----one day at a time

 

 

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Gina, 

I hope you have family around for you.  I also hope you have help with the house and moving.  No wonder you feel so overwhelmed, doing this grief with kids is a double whammy.

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Hi Gina

i know EXACTLY how you feel. My fiancé passed away suddenly and unexpectedly 6 weeks ago today. I was also there, it's the worst day of my life. Neither of us had any family and I just miscarried our pregnancy, we were each other's worlds!! He is my everything. It gets harder and more painful each day without him. I have no one. All I want now is to go to him.

It must be so hard for you to be looking after the children, but honestly, you're so lucky to have them because they are a big reason to live for. I know it wouldn't take the pain away though. No words can take the pain away. But as hard as it is for you to see right now, you're lucky to be loved and needed by your kids.

I'm not sure if it's your thing, but I had a Skype reading with a psychic medium who connected with him, the medium knew everything, it's undeniable that she connected with my fiancé. It's helped me so so so much, let me know if you want the details. 

Im so sorry for how you are feeling, it's torture, I know. 

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My fiance died Nov 16th and Im falling apart, I do not want to go on,this is the worse pain I have ever imagined and I can not bear another day without him!!!!!

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On 10/20/2016 at 5:47 PM, GinaN said:


Hello, this is my first post. I am devastated. I lost my husband of 12 years suddenly 7 weeks ago from an aortic dissection. He was 55. He complained of back pain and called a doctor friend of his. During the phone call he said he actually felt better and we were about to hang up when it happened. I thought it was a seizure, called 911 immediately and did CPR until ambulance came. I saw him die in front of me. I've never felt so utterly helpless in my life. 

Every day I yearn for him every moment of every day. I cry constantly. He was the love of my life. People have told me it doesn't ever get easy, but it gets easier. I don't believe it will be easier. I feel worse every day. I can't let go. I miss him so much. He was the love of my life, my best friend, and my everything. 

We have two young children. It's so very hard for them too. It kills me to see them depressed and crying in such agony. I find no comfort in anything at all. After a long day of taking care of the kids, and the stress of homework and just taking care of young kids, including one with special needs, I always looked forward to him coming home from work. We would chat, we'd watch a show together. He always knew how to make me laugh. He did so much for me always. It was always a treat being with him. We had a good relationship, and he was a good and loving husband. He loved me so much and I loved him. 

I honestly believe I will be sad and miserable for the rest of the days I have left. I feel like my life is ruined. I'm 37 and the idea of living 30+ years without him (I'm in great health) terrifies me. If it weren't for the fact that I have kids, I would wish for death today. I really don't know how I'm going to get through life. I never imagined emotional pain could be so utterly horrible. 

My husband was 7 years younger than I am, so i thought we would pass roughly at the same time. I'm only 54, he was 47, almost 48.  I have had thoughts of suicide, but not suicidal. I know suicide would, according to my beliefs, make it difficult for me to join him. I feel so alone, in this home we'd saved up for and begun "improving" bit by bit. Now it is just a house, not a home. 

My hands shake at times, some days I can't even leave the house. I had to give cpr to my husband as well, but the emts could not get a pulse or heart beat back. I sometimes wonder if God just said, that's enough and took him because it seemed like difficulty after difficulty after the heart attack. My husband liked doing things for himself, and was having a hard time with me doing lifting and catering to him, a real hard time. I just keep thinking if i had stayed awake all night and watched him i could have caught it earlier, instead of when he woke me up gasping for air. 

I did not understand loss until this happened. I had no idea. Being in a grief support group has opened my eyes to this world that was invisible to me before, the wrenching loss of a spouse, your beloved, your bright star, and how it leaves you with a life like a vacuum. 

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@bea I don't know how I missed your heart's cry, I'm sorry.  You are so fresh in this, so is Michelene, and having the holidays on top of it just makes it seem all the harder.  You will get through this but not unscathed, it's the hardest journey there is, but I've learned we do survive.  I felt as you did in the early days.  I wrote this article based on my 12 year journey, I hope at least something of it is of help to you...it's what I've learned.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Hi Gina,

I just experienced the same thing, however my husband was only 32 and we've been married for 2.5 years. He was definitely the love of my life and I don't know how I can cope as well. I'm thinking, we'll never get to experience having a baby, or so many other things. I just can't believe this happened, and I think that because it happened so suddenly I'm having a hard time dealing with it. For me, he wasn't home he was away, and I don't know which is worst. My husband had been working out and went to the hospital with back pains, shortness of breath, chest pains, and his right leg went numb. They sent him home with a sciatic nerve injury. Four days later he passed away in his hotel room. 

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@Sheera  I am so sorry.  I was only married 3 years 8 months, not as young as you, but it took me a lifetime to find him and we didn't meet until our mid 40s.  Life can feel so unfair.  It's taken me years to make my way through this.  I know it won't always feel as intense at it does at this moment, but you will always remember him and your love continues even in his physical absence.  

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Sunflower2
On ‎6‎/‎7‎/‎2018 at 8:56 AM, KayC said:

I know it won't always feel as intense at it does at this moment, but you will always remember him and your love continues even in his physical absence.

this we need to keep hearing. That sudden loss and the flashbacks.  That panic and fear and trauma you experienced will get lighter but there is a flashback of that moment that will create that moment again in an intensity that will be excruciating,  It hits but doesn't last for hours.  That moment we felt so hopeless and that moment we feel the guilt and regret...if only....

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KayC

I really appreciate your tips.  How might I get a copy of this? 

To all of my sisters in widowhood, thank you for sharing.  We are not alone, although it feels like it.  My husband, died 4 weeks ago -sudden cardiac death.  I am a nurse and have never had to give CPR to a patient - I didn’t think I would ever be administering it to my husband on our kitchen floor. We were winding down for the evening to snuggle and watch a little tv before bed...the usual. How could he be walking with me one minute and gone the next?  He was my second marriage - I was hurt terribly by infidelity in my first marriage and never thought I could do it again.  I had 2 children to raise and focused on that.  14 years later, this most precious gift of a man comes into my life and loves me and my adult children as if we had been family our whole lives.  5 years later, when we are only just getting started, empty-nesters ready to enjoy our freedom together, he is gone.  He loved me for 50 years worth of love and I now know what unconditional love looks like in the flesh.  I am a Christian and know Jesus loves me like this but to get this gift, live and in person, is more than I could have dreamed of.  I am lonely.  COVID-19 makes it much lonelier.  I still don’t think my heart comprehends that he isn’t coming back.  The pain is unbearable, crushing...seems that way, anyway.  I want to make him proud and love like he loved but I can’t move sometimes.  How can this be?  There is no one like my Justo and I will forever be grateful to God for allowing me to experience a love like ours. I love you forever, babe.

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@VCRico I'm truly sorry for your loss. It's so hard when you lose your husband suddenly, one second he's still breathing, the next he's gone. I lost my husband due to sudden heart attack too just last week. I did anything in my power that day too, CPR, got ambulance and brought him to hospital, but it was all useless. This happened during the lockdown from covid made everything tougher. I had to arrange the service and funeral with very limited and minimal requirements. And then the authorities asked me and my son to self isolate ourselves for min 14 days. All that happened really breaking me apart. It's so hard. 

The forum here help though, members here been through similar experiences, they understand and dont judge us. I hope you can keep coming, or writing or whatever you feel here. 

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11 hours ago, VCRico said:

 How might I get a copy of this? 

Just copy/paste, save to your computer or print. If you don't know how to do that, I'll include a word document you can download.

I am so sorry for your loss.  George wasn't my first husband either, my kids' dad got a divorce 23 years in.  I lost every friend I had plus my church in that divorce, and he cleaned out our bank account.  George is the only man who ever truly loved me and we were so happy, he was a great stepdad too.

I hope you'll continue coming here, it helps to express yourself and know you're heard...and we all get it.

 

 

Tips to Make Your Way Through Grief.docx

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@VCRicoI am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband a little over a week ago, suddenly, heart issues. He was at our neighborhood pool. I wasn’t there. Just got a call from the EMT that they were taking him to the hospital. It was the worst day of my life... to be taken into that little room and be told he’s gone. We just celebrated our 4 year anniversary. I never knew live could be so unconditional and all engulfing until him. I feel like I walk through a haze everyday. I’m just broken...

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@LoveyouforeverW I am so sorry for your loss.  I know it's the hardest thing in the world, my husband was my soulmate and best friend, he died barely 51 on Father's Day 18 years ago.  It  felt so wrong, we were the happiest we'd ever been.  !8 years later I still love him and miss him!  
It doesn't stay in the same level of pain though, thankfully, it evolves little by little, although I know you probably would have a hard time believing it.

My heart goes out to you in your loss, I wish I could take it away.  It helps to come here to read and post, it helps us process our grief and to know there are others going through the same thing.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

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Hi Gina.

I lost my husband 3 weeks ago to aortic dissection. He was 51. We were together for over 20 years,we were best friends too.

The feelings you describe, they are mine too. I don't want to survive this, I want to disappear.  I have grown sons. They have told me outright that they still need me in their lives, I have to hang on.

I am told that we have to feel the grief  and it will start to hurt less some day. But I never thought I could hurt this much, feel so lost.

So maybe I'm just writing to say  you are not alone. I feel a little less alone having read your post.

This is awful. But I guess we'll get through it somehow.  That's how it's supposed to work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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