advice Lost my son and best friend just over a week ago

[Laytonsmom]

I lost my baby boy, who was technically a young man, being 20 years old, just over s week ago. He found himself a heroin addict at the age of 17, and despite all his father and my attempts to help him, he ended up being sentenced to 2 years in federal prison for distribution and gun charges. This really extended his life though at the time I hoped it was 'saving ' it. 

Let me go back and mention that my son was truly an amazing person. He was handsome, funny, extremely smart, testing at a 227 IQ level, and he had the most loving and generous hearts of anyone I so far have ever known. He truly had it all going for him. Most mothers and sons have a special bond, but you'll have to take my word for it when I tell you our bond and relationship was beautiful. He never got to old to lay his head in my lap and let me 'pet' his hair when he needed a little extra loving and took pride in bragging to his friends that I was his best friend, and when most boys his age would be embarrassed to admit that. 

He was released from prison just over 3 months ago and we let him move back in, naturally while he got on his feet. We were so proud of how well he was doing, as he almost immediately landed a full time job, had passed ever last random drug test his parole officer ordered him to, was working out and had and over all positive attitude about the great future he would have. Before he was sent to prison, his dad and I worried daily that he would lose his life to either overdose or at his own hands because his depression was severe. And even though we were apprehensively optimistic about him maintaining sobriety, the thought of losing him to his addiction was not currently a concern. 

It came as a great shock to us to discover that he had relapsed and overdosed last Monday. The detective eased my fears that it was intentional because there was still left over heroin, and those deciding on an intentional overdose always use it all, so they don't take any chances of being unsuccessful. They also told us they only found one other track mark, which was old and fading and that they didn't believe he had relapsed more than a couple of times, which is what ultimately led to his death. As what is probably common knowledge, the danger of overdose is highest for a newly relapsed addict because they often revert to the dosage they were last at, overwhelming their bodies because their tolerance has gone way down during sobriety.  In either case, his passing was a great shock and I'm amazed I've made it this far. 

One of the hardest things I'm dealing with is the insomnia, mostly because of the side affects of that are only adding to the grief I'm already trying to cope with. 

Unfortunately, it is not your average sort of insomnia, which I have some experience with having encountered it twice before, both times in varying severity and length. I know all the tricks of reducing the severity and maintaining some level of control over it. What I have no experience with is dealing with or controlling the gruesome images that assault me, just as I'm finally succumbing to unconsciousness, and preventing me from almost going without sleep completely.

You see, I was the one who discovered my sons body. Preliminary testing put his death at approximately six hours prior to my discovery and most people know that the longer time that has passed, the worse the condition of the body. I will spare the details obviously but take my word that no mother should ever have to live with those images of their child.

WHAT DO I DO??  At this point I have only managed about 4 hours of sleep total in the last 72 hours. I was forced to take the day off of work because the sleep deprivation is so bad right now I can't even think straight let alone safely drive or competently put in a days work. I only recently got back to work a couple days ago, feeling that keeping myself busy was healthier than sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. 

I know I am not strong enough to cope with this on top of the unbelievable pain I am already suffering.

Any advice, miracles, etc. would be greatly appreciated 

[Tommy's mum]

I too could not sleep because of nightmares, picturing my son falling and being injured. I was prescribed sleeping tablets and my antidepressants were increased which helped a little. unfortunately nightmares are common because our minds are trying to cope with the enormity of our loss and we are so vulnerable in a sleeping state. sadly we all have to face each day as it comes and make it through as best we can because grief is a journey that takes a long time. Im sorry you found your son that must have been awful for you but those memories will fade slowly and be replaced by happier memories as your healing process continues. is working the right answer for you? It seems very soon and  you may have some PTSD from finding layton. grief counselling is very useful but it cannot be undertaken too early because distraught parents find it hard enough to function without having to be in therapy. is there anyone who can just be with you to hold you and support you for a while? Take advantage of family and friends let them take over some of the daily things so you can rest and work things out in your mind a little. be good to yourself its not your fault. hugs

[Laytonsmom]

thank you for your words.  these images and nightmares have gotten a little better, and faded somewhat.  they don't keep me up for days at a time anymore, though i am not sleeping like i should.

[Alina's mom]

So sorry for your loss. I know your pain. I lost my daughter on May this year. Pain emotional even bigger with each mo. 

 

I have insomnia and nightmares too, taking trazodone, helps sometimes.

 

You can find a supportive group in your area :www.griefshare.org

 

[Tommy's mum]

i take Zolpidem sometimes it helps. sometimes i think your mind is too busy to sleep especially if you are trying to suppress bad thoughts. try a nap in the day if you have too many dark nights. Have you taken time off work? that is really important as too many people rush to go back because it seems the right thing to do and will occupy you. returning to work may be right for you. However that may come back to bite you in the ass and you may find you need sick time later on in the months to come because of a delayed grief reaction.it is still very early days for you laytonsmom and Alinasmom it will very slowly get easier as more time goes by. i  totally fell apart had a complete nervous breakdown and attempted suicide, I was not in my right mind at all. I am on mental disability  and see a grief counsellor and psychiatrist .I realise now that this is what i need to get well and recover so i can be stronger for my other adult children and i try not to feel ashamed of myself for being weak.

[JBMOM]

HI Laytons mom i too lost my eldest son to heroin in january of this year he was only 24. My advice to you is to sit thru it. I havent been back to work since 2 days before he died & believe me ive tried im just not mentally there. There is no right or wrong way to grieve & no time limit. Just know that everybody here understands we are all KINDRED SPIRITS BECAUSE OF THE LOST OF OUR CHILDREN. XOXO

[jerry'smom]

I am new to this forum but I want to send a (((hug))) to you. I lost my 28 year old son and best friend not long after you lost your precious son. It was Oct. 30 and we lost him to alcohol poisoning. My son was lying down on my bed and I thought he was just taking a nap. He would go in my room when his oldest brother visited us because my 2 little grandsons crying and fussing gave him anxiety, especially when he was trying to be clean from alcohol. When I checked on him, to wake him for work he was unresponsive. I called my 20 year old grandson to help me wake him, when he realized his uncle was already cold. He yelled for his dad, my oldest son to come check. My oldest son is an Army medic and our family is now going on  3 years of grieving for his wife (and the mother of my 3 grandchildren) who also died of alcohol poisoning. My oldest son freaked out and said, "not again" and ran out to the back yard". He has PTSD from sleeping all night and not realizing that his wife was struggling and dying. I had to call 911. My baby boy and youngest son was a big dude like my husband and sons, 6"7" and 320 lbs. The medics said it was too late to save him and called for the coroner to come get my son, 2 hours later. He had bled through the nose and left blood on the bedding and mattress. We threw the bedding away but all I could afford to do is try and clean the mattress. The stains are still there and this traumatizes me. I know what you are talking about the insomnia. I work as a teacher and can't take any more leave but I wake up hour after hour filled with horrific visions or just thoughts of if only I had checked on him sooner. I can't even explain why I can write this rationally to you without crying. I haven't really cried yet even though my heart is so broken and I will never be the same. Maybe it is because I have been through all this before after finding my 16 year old son hanging in our garage on 9/11. All I can say to you is continue to vent and reach out to the people in this group. It's what I did after losing my beloved first son. I cried and vented until I couldn't do it any longer. Then I found myself writing to other new parents in the group and offering support. That seemed to help me too. I grieve for both of them, but the pain for my youngest son is still so fresh. Be kind to yourself and take all the time you need to grieve.

[Tommy's mum]

jerrysmom you are one incredible woman and i am so sorry you have had to face this tragic situation for the second time my heart goes out to you. How awful that you lost your second child through alcohol, it is so hard to help someone who is using alcohol or drugs to cope with day to day life and a very unfortunate reality that they can kill. There is nothing you could have done your son just slipped away. How horrific for your eldest son too having lost his wife and also his younger brother and not surprising he has PTSD. i think we all suffer PTSD to a certain extent having lost children it is just part of the grief journey and a really difficult painful time and I wish you and your family well. JBmom Laytonsmom and alinasmom I hope you are all doing ok it is still such early days for you all and you still have all those firsts to get through i am thinking of you all

[jerry'smom]

Thank you Tommy's mum for the kind words. I wasn't able to log in until tonight but found a lot of comfort in what you said.

[Tommy's mum]

you are welcome jerrys mom we all feel the desperate pain. this year i cant deal with xmas at all im on automatic pilot faking it for everyone wishing it was just over and i can start again next year

[Mermaid Tears]

Gratitude Doesn't Erase Grief

 

December 08, 2014

In your grief, have you been told by family and friends to be grateful? I imagine the answer is a resounding yes. If so, I'll be very clear: we need to stop this madness.

In the work I do with people facing trauma, I’m told over and over again how those around them just want them to be grateful. They might even make an attempt at utilizing the advice, but it almost always incites anger, not comfort. 

Promoting gratitude is one of the most misleading—and harmful—offerings you can make to someone in the throes of grief. Yet it remains as popular as ever; it’s become a mindless, pervasive drug.

It's well-meaning bullshit, but it's still bullshit. Why? Because it’s based on two fundamentally flawed assumptions: first, it assumes that gratitude has the ability to fix grief. Second, it assumes that grieving people are less prone to be grateful than those who aren't grieving. Both of these assumptions are ludicrous.

Gratitude and grief serve fundamentally different purposes. Using gratitude to wash away grief is like telling someone who’s received a cancer diagnosis to take an Advil. Their purposes are completely incongruous.

Ungratefulness generally arises in response to the trivialities of life, not life-changing events. The person who complains about every ridiculous detail of their job, or seems to be incapable of appreciating anything, is ungrateful. 

The person who’s lost the love of their life? First, they are often profoundly grateful: for their family, the friends who care for them, the love they receive. They may not actively show it, but it’s often there.  

Yet even this leads to a further assumption: that grieving people should be grateful. They shouldn’t. The immediate aftermath of tragedy is not the time to find things to be grateful for. It is a time to find solace not in happy things, but in grieving itself. 

This also addresses one of the most foolish assumptions many make about the purpose of gratitude: that it exists to make you feel good, which is narcissistic and ends up defeating the purpose of being grateful in the first place. 

Being grateful might lead to you feeling good, but that’s a byproduct of doing the work involved in creating the conditions by which you might find a peaceful heart. Cultivating a grateful worldview probes the depths of your being. It widens perspective, increases your capacity to listen, encourages self-reflection, and leads to a more honest, gentle disposition. All of these things may very well result in your feeling better, but how you feel isn’t the goal. 

A lack of gratitude is often the outworking of a selfish mindset, not the result of tragic circumstances. This is an important but often neglected distinction.

So the next time you’re faced with someone who’s life has been torn apart by loss, please do not tell them to be grateful. It’s useless and dismissive.

Being with a grieving person is profoundly uncomfortable. When someone attempts to come to the aid of a person in pain, they often try to mask that lack of comfort with ridiculous bromides. Gratitude is the most fashionable of these. Unfortunately it almost never makes it better. If anything, it makes it worse. The advice attempts to “get somewhere”, instead of honoring the pain that exists in the here and now. 

Instead of offering some sort of gratitude-infused platitude, stand with your loved one in silence. Be uncomfortable with her, no matter how awful it makes you feel. Listen to her, hold her, stand with her. Doing any of this will foster a thousand times more peace than any sort of gratitude exercise ever could.

Gratitude doesn’t erase grief. Nor should it. It is not an antidote to loss, nor could it ever be. 

You don’t honor grief with gratitude. You honor grief by grieving. 

 

I'm Tim, and The Adversity Within is a blog dedicated to examining the topic of resilience in the face of adversity, while inspiring readers to stand headstrong in their grief and fight for their own evolution. Living with cerebral palsy and epilepsy, I explore topics like post-traumatic growth, survival, and self-reliance. No one should face adversity alone. Subscribe to my mailing list below for free weekly writings delivered to your inbox, and follow me along on Facebook and Twitter.

[Tommy's mum]

It is now 2017 and you are all still here after bravely making it through the holidays I salute you. God it was so hard and so painful but that part of the holidays is over  now. try and look forward and just keep on going y'all. keep on posting and letting your feelings out it is so important to your health and wellbeing and you are heard and understood.