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Does it ever get better...


Broken mommy

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It's been 13 most devastating months of my life since my baby boy passed on just 2 weeks before his birthday. Till now i just can't swallow the thought that i need to go on all by myself, i still feel so empty and have no edge of living. I was not there the moment he needed me the most, that just drains everything inside me.I still wonder what happened to my son till today. My stepmom had offered to go with him to visit her family just after i got a job, thinking it would be the best way for me and him to stop breastfeeding. Not knowing that will be the last i see my precious baby, few weeks later they came back with a dead baby, was called at work not to see my son but a dead baby lying on a hospital bed. I think i died that day as well, but sadly i still have to drag my dead body around every day. I can not bare the anger inside of me... My family took the first plane out of my life, only had my boyfriends family for support and when they talk to me now they want me to go along with them as if nothing ever happened like my son never existed. I'm so close to losing it, my son was my all i ever had and now i feel so alone and with no purpose without him. Makes it harder when everyone else expects you to be done with the grieving. When they don't want you to mention the name of your baby, like he was never there. no hour goes by without me thinking about him, what he would have been doing if he were here, most of all what we would have been doing together. I am miserable, confused don't know how to go on, please help

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Dear Dear Broken Mommy,

every word & every thought & every feeling you stated here, except the circumstances are different is exactly how I felt thru the GREIF of losing each of my sons being in my husbands family.

how I am sill living, stil, so to speak, still living is beyond me, 

except like you, just every day, in the beginnings of my losses just finding myself waking up every day

and,as you mentioned trying to find my way to adjusting and living the rest of this life on planet earth without each of my sons.

THEN, haveing to be bombarded by a so called family who I was expected to just go on amongst this monster

famiky thru each day, holidays, birthdays ect as if they never existed.

i know it's hard to grasp but one day,,,,,way down the line you will feel different,,,,

time dies not heal,,,,,but time does have a way of lessening the total, terrible gramma of the devastation of ones hearted soul and phyci.

forgive my misspells etc.

you are perfectly normal in where you Re at..

yet, people will stupidly tell uto get on,,, move on,,,you have to do feel think this and that for the sake of whatever..

all these things being said because THEY feel uncomfortable...

and of course you feel this Avery helming anger, rage,,,,I would think esp.

towards the ones who you son was in the care of....

i found anger was all I had for a long time till I realized I had to somehow diffuse it or be destroyed twice over.

i know all my words will not easy your unspeakable pain.

just know you are not alone.

i care.

keep writing,,,I call it talk Therepy..

Rainie

 

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For the very first time in my life I do not see a solution on this one, it is all such a huge mess. I feel like the whole universe is against me, nothing I touch with my hands  turns right. is it normal to feel like giving it all up, cause honestly this life ain't worth the pain i'm going through right now. I feel stuck in my own bubble, can't get anything right. Is death a solution?

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dear broken mommy. I;m sorry you lost your precious baby.giving up seems like the right solution but i can tell you from experience it is not. We are meant to be here i dont know why yet but in time it will become apparent to us all. It maybe that talking to others is the reason. maybe we can stop someone else from quitting their life because we can be there with words of support and love as all of us have sufferred a terrible loss and understand what you are going through. bee strong keep posting and read others words it helps. love your family and special friends and take it one day at a time.

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Broken Mommy, please reach out to a crisis facility immediately. I fear for you because of the incredible depression you are the quite obviously experiencing. I just found this sight today seeking my own help for how overwhelmed and lost I am. I only just lost my son a little over a week ago so I have no words that could offer you comfort or that could bring you some piece but please know, suicide is never the answer. Even if the only reason you can latch on to is that is not what your precious child would want for you. Hold on to that one small lifeline if you can't find even one other reason not to. 

I'll pray for you to find some small bit of comfort in the tragedy the tragedy that surrounds you . I wish I could offer you more 

 

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Broken Mommy,

YES, it is normal to feel as you do after losing your child...

and No,your death is not the answer.

altho you FEEL like death is a choice,,,what you really need is relief from this pain.

i have read that death is a perminate solution for a temporary problem.

like you

i felt that same way after the death of first one,,,then the other of mt son.

my son Rocky died of a motorcycle accident ~~~~

his death justabout killed me...

THEN MY SOB RONNIE DIED OF SUICIDE ~

belive me if losing children could be put in cadagories of which are worse than others..

i know by experience that a suicide loss is the worse for the ones left behind..

please as one here suggested,,, reach out to the suicide hot line or some such place where they

ca  help or at least listen to you and care

down the road dear one, one day you will feel different that u do now,,  

time dies NOT HEAL but time does lesson the total trauma      It takes a long time   And honestly when someone initially asks me

how I survived i say I do not know    

Of course this is a complex issue and many things and much time had to go buy as I walked this road..

how imam still functioning and still walking upon planet earth is ONLY the grace of God      And believe me God and I have not been on good yearns lotsa times thru these years.

RAiNiE

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Thank you so much, everyone feels a little better hearing all the words you said, feels really genuine coming from people who have been through a similar space. Sometimes I go on until I get to a point where I tell myself, 'you getting better now' 'you are a lot stronger you can still have a normal life', it gets worse when I wake up feeling the opposite of all those things. Unfortunately, when those come they come much stronger than the positivity I had had and the misery is really overwhelming at times  and I just feel so alone and lost.

I have taken the innitiative to get some councilling twice already but it hasn't worked yet. I have tried to find support groups but that has only proven to be a mission impossible. Having to be living with my partner the pain becomes more when i sense his diminishing tolerance on my breakdowns. i wish i could be more to him but I feel like I am not that girl anymore and i doubt i ever will be. I feel like we are some old couple stuck together at times and it's probably because of my instability, its all so complicated.:unsure::unsure: I attached a pic of my gorgeous son miss him a lot

2016-04-04-00-49-42-388.jpg

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dear broken mommy. what a lovely photo i am computer illiterate so dont know how to put photos up and i still breakdown when i see photos of my son so i avoid them although i have them. I do have photos of him in my home as i do my other kids but i just cant look at other photos it is still too painful.

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How long has that been Tommys mum?   its been a month for me and i can't look at his pictures, or his things, or even consider going upstairs to the loft that he lived in at our home.  My husband keeps trying to push me towards it, saying that i am reacting in an unhealthy manner, but I just CANT!!! is this a normal reaction?

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ARESOUNDING YES,

it is perfectly normal how you feel...

apparebtly men Handel losing a child different.

why oh why do not people who mostly HAVE NO CLUE the gramma each of us,,,,you,,are going thru only a month out?

why oh why can not a person be allowed to geirve and feel all the things we feel?

so lotsa us walk around appearing normal yet inside we are totally heart broken, TRAMATIZED in a society who sure let us know how we should be or do because it is they who are uncomfortable so I is really THEY they are looking out for...

how hard could it be for someone to hug one and say I am soooo sorry...

for beyound that they have no words unless they have walked in our shoes,,,

land I have found out even ones who have lost a child,,,,if it has. Even a looong time they seem to forget...

Laytonsmom,,,

now all u have the strength for is surviving...

now is when you are vulnerable to thing ,,get rid of things. THE you are not ready for yet...

stand your ground bower you can...

do not let the people rob you of your journey thru the loss of your dear child.

rainie

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Laytonsmom everything you feel is normal and there is no time that you have to do "stuff" just when you feel you are ready. A month is so so fresh you definitely need more time. For me Tommy died aug 16th 2015 and every day is still so painful. I guess im lucky because he had never lived in this house because he chose to stay in the USA when we came back to the UK in 2011. he then moved to hawaii so none of us had seen him since 2011 and none of us could afford the flights to or from Hawaii. I spoke to him every night figuratively speaking of course as he wasnt there and prayed to God that i would see him soon. Then when he was killed I lost all my faith as i had been asking to see tommy for 4years and when i finally saw my beloved son it was at the funeral home to say hallo and then goodbye. I had a small box of his belongings sent over so I have his favourite hoodie hanging up in the hall and his favourite Air jordan sneakers on my shoe mat so I figuratively have him home. i know its weird but its all i have of him. so i didnt have to dismantle his room or anything like that so my heart goes out to you. just do it a little bit at a time and keep what you want and let others have what they want. I put the rest of tommy's things in a box in the attic and i have added things to it like a copy of my eulogy at his funeral, the newspaper articles about him ( google man falls from hawaii dorms) and a copy of the hero of the year award he was awarded after his death. I put in it a copy of all the messages we sent each other and some of his clothes. my kids all took something of his they wanted as a keepsake. i will add to it as time goes by.  I have a shelf in my family room with some of my favourite photos, a lock of his gorgeous red hair, a memory locket and a heart ornament that i was given with a photo and a quote of his tattoo "Strength through Pain" that i was given by the family he lived with in Hawaii, and a wind spinner with tom written on it. i just cant look through old photos yet but i still have them in the attic. stand your ground as rainie says each person has a different timeline grief cannot be rushed but when you are ready do it in small chunks, as time goes by you will be ready to do more. I will be thinking of you.

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Dear Broken Mommy,

I signed up to this forum because of your first post. I felt every bit of your pain in your words. I just didn't have the strength to reply.  Today, I feel compelled to as I saw your photo of your beautiful little angel.  Oh how my heart melts for you to see his picture.  I can understand your pain, gosh! Just remember that it's still early days for you even after 12 months.  That raw pain can't just go away over night.

I lost my 4 year old daughter 20 years ago & I can categorically say that you never get over the pining & aching.  I have learnt to live with the fact that she is never coming back but I still have bouts of depression, grief, anxiety & wishing that time could go back to that terrible day.  I still find it hard to talk about her death.  She died in my arms. I still blame myself & wonder what terrible thing did I do to deserve this. I even wonder if someone put a curse on me (I was brought up in a very superstitious household).  My heart still goes into aching mode to the point of thinking its going to break to pieces. I just hide it well from people around me.  I realised that it makes people uncomfortable. I also realised that my grief became an inconvenience to people.  They don't want to face those kinds of facts of life.  My reality was to real for them.  People, especially in todays world seem to just want to be around superficial people with no substance.  So my husband & I had to find our way through this whole process together united because no one else wants to be bothered.

My husband dealt with his grief  differently & at first I resented him because I didn't understand his grief process.  I thought that he didn't love her like I did.  I thought, how could he be over it so quickly but he wasn't over it.  He just took on the rock strength role for me.  We were told that there is a high chance that marriages break up after the death of a child so we made a pact to stay through it thick or thin.  We joined a church together to help get through the pain.  It turned out to be a bittersweet decision & we left after 20years of association (long story to that). 

Now after leaving the church, I'm going to therapy & feeling the true grit of the grief process again & have been diagnosed with severe PTS.  It only takes small triggers when I'm having a bad day.  I go through feelings of wanting to die so that I can be with her again to just waiting for my life to draw to a close.  I do have good days & I'm trying so hard to get my strength back again to keep going.  I've taken up Art for therapy & gardening to release the anger & rage out of my system.  Physical work & creativity does wonders.

Anyway, I will tell my story one day.  I just wanted to reply to you as I felt really connected to your story.

All my love to you & your baby.

Gwen Little from Australia. 

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Hi Gwen thanks for sharing your loss with us here it is so sad that it is all so raw maybe you were unable to process at the time and there are still unresolved issues for you. i hope your therapy goes well and you find some peace/ i dont think anyone ever gets over the death of a child ever it is always a raw wound physically and mentally. I believe we all have to do whatever we need to do to heal somethings take longer than others because it is a process, a painful long process.

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