The nights are the worst

[Tommy's mum]

I find the nights are the worst. At least i have now joined this forum and can speak some of my thoughts and emotions. After my son died falling 14 storeys from a building in Hawaii trying to save his suicidal friend who did survive, I had shattering nightmares for months. picturing what happened, my son falling, did he scream, did he call out for me? i know he was barely conscious on the ground grieviously injured and with a very severe brain injury beside other fatal injuries. I hope he was not too aware or in too much pain although the police reported both men moaning in pain. He had no last words, tommy arrested in the anbulance and having spoken to the doctor who treated him i know they fought to save his life but failed. i know he had several fatal injuries and could not be saved and also that we were spared him being on life support and having to switch it off but we also could not see him alive to say goodbye and maybe that would have helped my peace of mind. i still have recurring thoughts of what happened but i can talk myself down by repeating that he could not be saved and that he would not have been too aware of what was going on. My grief counsellor has been amazing. is there anyone out there who did have to make that appalling decision to stop life support and did it help being there to say goodbye in person? i feel guilt even though I did not have the choice.

[janris]

I agree the nights are the worst!! the dreams of him and visioning the accident are horrible. I have them too! when we go to the site where he was killed I have the same thing I see him there and see the cars hitting him. horrific. I cant tell you about having a child on life support that had to be unplugged but I went through it with my brother and it was very peaceful he was very sick with cancer and in a lot of pain...so the circumstances were different but it comes down to what is best for them not for you. I am not sure I could make the unselfish decision with a child of mine if I was faced with it. I would be too hopeful that everything would turn out ok

[Tommy's mum]

At night since I found this forum I post. speaking and reading articles is so helpful. i feel everyone's pain in their stories.  i am sorry for the pain you are still going through it is not easy and you have sufferred the loss twice. How do you keep going? i have the churchyard where Tommy and my other kids were christened that i go to to feel close to Tommy. It is on a small cliff by the sea and very peaceful. I don't go into the church because i lost all my faith. his ashes will be scattered next year in Pennsylvania USA where the kids all grew up so i won't be able to afford to visit there again. We lived there for 18yrs before moving back to the UK. the kids wont allow me to have any of his ashes because they don'y want him split which grieves me greatly but i know Tommy is always with me even if i can't see or hear him.