Members Marty2121 Posted October 16, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2016 Another Saturday night pity party except no one ever shows up except my cats! It's been 2 1/2 years since my beloved husband succumbed to cancer and I'm not any better than I was when he passed. I read everyone's posts and can soooo relate and feel everyone's pain. People want us to "move on", but how can we. I know we have no choice, but boy is it hard. Move on to what?? I have been abandoned by many family and friends because I simply didn't know how to act and they got tired of trying. I know we shouldn't be by ourselves but it's so exhausting to laugh and make believe we're enjoying ourselves when our heart is broken. I went to so many gatherings for THEIR sake, not mine. As all of you....I miss my husband terribly it stings. I want to tell people...I know what I can do to keep busy, but I have no energy or motivation to do it. We had one child and he lives very far away. We text daily and he/I visit when we can, but it's not the same. I hate life. Sorry for rambling on....I'm just having "one of those days". ugh.....WHY WHY WHY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Janice 252 Posted October 16, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2016 Hi Marty. Everything you've said I can relate to. My husband only passed 4 weeks ago. This time last month we had a lovely day out at a food festival. Came home had a cup of coffee. He went to watch TV and 30 mins later I found him dead. No warning nothing. I think I'm still in shock. My body certainly is. Can't sleep can't eat. Went to church this morning which helps me. But I has to tell someone " my husband passed away" How many times am I going to have to say that? This new life we have been given is hard. I try to think what my husband would want me to do but it's not easy. Talking on here definitely helps though so stick with it. You'll find lots of support here. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted October 16, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2016 Hi Marty---I can feel your pain and heartache in your words---I'm so sorry. I have no words of wisdom for you. I'm still looking for my own. Have you thought about going to grief support? I have been to one meeting so far, they are once a month here. It does help being with others who understand what we're going thru. This life is hard, try to remember that your husband is not in pain, he's at peace and he sees what you are going thru and he hears you. He would want you to be at peace also. You will be reunited with him in the end. Not much I know, but it is what I'm constantly telling myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marty2121 Posted October 16, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2016 Thank you ladies for you kind words...I am with you in your pain as well. At first I was numb to everything and couldn't eat, sleep, etc like all of you on this forum. The second year is even harder as the fog of disbelieve has lifted and reality sets in. We were married for 30 years and had one of those rare wonderful marriages!! We truly loved each other, but especially "liked" one another. We were inseparable and wanted it that way. He was sick for 14 months and I tended to his every need with pleasure and with a broken heart to watch my love, best friend, confidant, comedian, adviser, and most especially my protector, dwindle to nothing. He was only 50! Like the rest of you....we had dreams of our future and how we wanted to travel, build a cabin, take vacations with the grandkids (which I STILL don't have), etc. I would like to go to counseling, but I can't find anyone in town that doesn't charge an arm and a leg. What's crazy is that I know (or at least I think I know) what I can do to help myself, but I just can't bring myself to do anything. I wish all of us a peaceful Sunday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 16, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted October 16, 2016 I'm sorry, I have no answers, but I feel for you. We can't "move on" because grief is forever, the changes it made to our lives won't be reversed. We have only to adjust to it and that's easier said than done and takes more time than can be imagined. I lost all my friends when my husband died only they didn't even make an effort, I was no longer part of a couple so I was out, just like that. Or they didn't want to think about death, like it's contagious or something. Yes, we will always miss our husbands... If he was on hospice you should be able to get help from them the first year, you might try calling them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marty2121 Posted October 16, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2016 He was in a coma when I decided to bring him home because I promised him that I would not let him die in a hospital. I had to arrange for Hospice in the hospital before bringing him home so they were on their way. By the time Hospice arrived, my husband had already gone to heaven. So they had to accept and then discharge him. I don't know if I would qualify, but I can ask. You would think that the local cancer treatment facility would offer something like that, but they don't. KayC...you have more experience on all of this than I do, does it ever really get better?? Or will I just somehow learn to live with it? My best friend just texted me to see if I wanted to do something today and I had to say no. I just don't feel like "trying" today. Thank goodness she's my only angel left and is understanding and will give me my space, but is also just a phone call away. I will say that it is refreshing to find people that unfortunately for all of us on here...we know each others pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 17, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 18 hours ago, Marty2121 said: KayC...you have more experience on all of this than I do, does it ever really get better?? Or will I just somehow learn to live with it? Both. The intensity of this pain will lessen. Also, we do adjust and learn to cope with it. We never like it though and the missing them goes on forever, we just learn to live with it. I'm glad my husband never had to go through this...well, he did with his mom, but it's way rough to go through it with the love of your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted October 17, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 Thank you KayC for your above message. I really don't think my husband would be coping at all and would be in much more agony if I had gone first. I would have not liked watching him from Heaven going thru what I am now. I think God gave women more inner survival traits because we are the natural nurturers and nester's for family. Hang in there, Marty---prayers for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marty2121 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 Thank you KayC and KMB, You're right....I know we will survive, I just wish it wouldn't hurt so bad. I wish I didn't feel lonely even though there are plenty things to do and people to do it with if I would only put myself out there. I'm just so sad right now to want to do anything. Here's one I heard this morning from my co-worker - "you need to find a boyfriend and go out I think that would make you feel better". Well jeez...why didn't I do that 2 years ago!!! Ugh....they mean well. Blessings to the both of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Janice 252 Posted October 17, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 Hi Marty. Can't believe what some people say! We all have to find our own way through this miserable time and comments like that don't help. I'm just taking one day at a time. Can't look any further than that. My thoughts are with you.x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted October 17, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 Hi Marty---I agree with Janice. People do not stop and think before they talk. My husband's 2 adult children mentioned something similar the very 1st week. Just because I'm 12 years younger than my husband. Oh, you'll find a guy down the road for companionship. I'd rather stay alone. Women friends are one thing but I'm always going to be married to my husband in my heart. We spent 25 years together and I'm not going to let that go and betray the love we shared. I'm always going to love and miss my husband and cherish the memories. One day at a time until we are reunited in Heaven. I have to believe and have faith. Hugs to you all------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marty2121 Posted October 18, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 You are so correct KMB....I may be very lonely, but I'm lonely for my husband NOT for another man. Yes, one day at a time. Have a peaceful evening Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 18, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 Marty, I'm so sorry you got that comment. How stupid can people get? How can some random guy possibly begin to fill the void of our soulmate? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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