How do I get through this

[Janice 252]

Hello to my lovely friends Kay C , KMB and Sarah. How are you all today? I hope you are finding some strength. I'm not good. Had another night with so little sleep but still struggled to get out of bed. Then once I am up I am so looking forward to nighttime so I can go back to bed. Everything makes me so sad. Bill and I loved to travel  and we're lucky enough to have seen a lot of the world. In fact on Monday we were heading to Las Vegas then onto los Angeles to take a cruise to Mexico. Now I don't want to leave the house never mind the country. We had plans to redecorate. What's the point now ?  I can't see the point in anything - now there's just me here. I'm trying really hard not to get depressed for the sake of the family. But it's so hard. The life ahead which I thought we had has gone and I'm devastated. A good friend who lost her husband 18 months ago told me not to turn down any invitations as after a while people stop asking. I know she's right but when I go out there are couples everywhere and I hate it. Why are they still together and I'm all alone. I know we're all asking the same question and there is no answer. Sending hugs to you all x

[KMB]

Hi Janice----Wished we lived next door so we could console each other with actual hugs! I'm sorry you are not doing good, I had a day like that yesterday.  I'm feeling worse as the days go by. The reality sinks in more. Coming to a place of acceptance of being without my husband is a long, lonely road. I fought off crying, could feel it building all day. Finally went outside late afternoon and let it go. I didn't want to cry in the house in front of our pets. I know our dog and cat are feeling miserable and lost also. Our dog has been sticking close to me, doing his best to offer me comfort.  I did feel some relief from the crying. Came in and fed the pets their supper and ate a deli sandwich for myself. I haven't done any cooking. I cooked for my husband and right now I have no desire for it. The daily existence of being alone is hard with so many changes. So many adjustments that make me want to scream and cry when out in public places like in grocery stores, etc. I can't buy my husband his favorite foods, do his laundry, cook for him, clean up after him. No more conversations or bantering---except when I talk to him in my head. No comfort of our companionship. I walk into another room and he's not there.

I read somewhere that there are 11 million widows in the world. Statistics show that the majority of husbands pass away first. I can't believe I'm now one of those millions of women. The oceans of tears and the pain and heartache must be so huge. How does anyone go on? But then, I wouldn't wish this agony on my husband if I had been the one to go first.

Another hurt right now is where did everybody go? So many people for me in the beginning. They go back to their lives and I feel abandoned even more so. There are a few who stop over or call so I'm grateful. At the grief support meeting I went to a couple weeks ago, it was mentioned that we have to be the ones to reach out to others. Not a nice concept to accept when it's not something I've ever had to do. My husband was my go to and support.

Just have *a day* Janice, like I'm going to try to do. Make it through until bedtime when the escape from everything is somehow more bearable. I don't sleep much either but the darkness sometimes is more bearable than the daylight.

HUGS

[Janice 252]

Hi KMB. I'm sending virtual hugs across the miles. That'll have to do us. Sorry you're having bad days too. I know it's early days for both of us but I get scared by some of the posts on here from people who are many years down this sad road and seem to be still experiencing this level of grief. I know we will always be sad and bereft but if I thought I would never get some level of peace I don't know how I would go on. Like you I'm not eating either. The smell of cooked food makes me feel even sicker than normal so I'm living on sandwiches and some chocolate. I know that's why I'm feeling so bad physically. Lack of sleep and lack of food but there's nothing I can do about it. As you say let's just get through another day. Im glad you have some real friends who are there for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you x

[KMB]

Well, It was planned earlier in the week for me to go down today and visit my son, his girlfriend and my granddaughter. Saturday is the best day for my son, due to his working the night shift and not having to go to work tonight. I called him a bit ago to let him know I'd be on my way. I woke him up. He told me maybe in a couple hours he'd call if he managed some sleep or maybe I can go down tomorrow morning . Now, what do I do? I'm not a fan of night driving, don't really want to go down late afternoon and have to drive home in the dark. I'm under the assumption that the baby kept my son from getting sleep earlier so I have to tough this out for the rest of the lonely day. Have things to do---so much in the house with clutter that always got left on the back burner the last several years because my husband and his health conditions became my priority. So many things I could be doing to keep busy but there is zero motivation. Everything around me is pointless. Wish I could talk to my husband and ask him what he thinks I should do to cope. What would he be doing if he were in my shoes? I know when his mom passed away,( 9 years or so before I met him) he took it hard, but he had his work to keep him busy. He eventually sucked it up and managed to soldier thru. He was in the military, so he knew how to do that.  I don't. All the times throughout the years while he was working long hours or the times he was in the hospital, he knew I was taking care of business and holding down the fort here. I was strong for him, for us. I want him to be proud of me for carrying on until we are reunited in Heaven, but I don't know how to begin.

You mentioned the comment about me having real friends. I wonder about that. Maybe once a week now someone will call or stop in. One of our neighbors stops in once a week. He's well know in the neighborhood for stopping in at all the neighbors for coffee because he has not much else to do. He's a bachelor and I think it's his way of not feeling so alone. My husband and I used to joke about how the neighbor just went around looking for gossip and being nosy, which is true to some extent. Now, it's a comfort that someone does come over occaisonally.  I know that death is part of life. My husband didn't choose to leave me. His physical body and the health conditions caused that to happen. Still hard to wrap my exhausted brain around that fact. If it wasn't for our pets needing me and my sense of responsibility in taking care of them and my husband's affairs, I don't know where I'd be right now.

Don't know what I'm going to do to get thru the rest of today.-------HUGS

[KayC]

About turning down invitations...I realize that's true, but all the same, in the early days it's pretty hard...I was invited to a 4th of July party two weeks after my husband died and there's no way I could have gone and I didn't want to dampen everyone else's time.  Unfortunately, I was never invited to anything by them again.  Some of that cannot be helped...when I'd declined I'd said I appreciated the offer, it meant a lot, and perhaps later on but right then was too soon.  I don't know what more we can say, I left the door open for future attempts but they closed it all the same.

Sometimes we find we fit in better with a different crowd that DOES understand what we're going through.  all my friends disappeared when George died (so did his as well as his family) but I did make new ones, although not as many.

[KMB]

Hi KayC---Appreciate what you said here. It resonates so well. Finding different people who are going thru the same is why I decided on the grief support group. Only went to one meeting so far, once a month is all the group has.  Thought that maybe eventually I could make friends with someone from that group.

[Janice 252]

Hi KMB. Sorry you didn't get to see your family. When you look forward to something which will give you a bit of a lift it is so disappointing which it doesn't happen. Hopefully you can get there tomorrow. I know what you mean about the clutter. My Bill had lots of hobbies and he was a hoarder. He has 100s if not 1000s of books. He was also a big American football fan which is quite rare here . He even managed a junior team for a few years. So we have all of that to sort and he loved a gadget so lots of those too. And like you I have no motivation whatsoever.  It's all i can do to get through each day. Hope your friends stick around. I have a couple of good girlfriends who keep in touch and hopefully will be there when I feel up to going out with them. I'm not ready yet. Well I'm now in my bed -in my safe place. I'll watch some rubbish on the TV and hopefully get some sleep. Hope you have a better day tomorrow. Sending hugs x

[Janice 252]

Hi KayC. Not surprised you couldn't go to a party 2 weeks after you lost your husband. I could hardly get out of bed. I'm not even ready to meet my friends for lunch. Hopefully I will get there and they'll still be around for me. Time will tell. I'm glad you have made some new friends. Sending hugs x 

[KMB]

Hi Janice---Hugs to you. Trying to get myself together emotionally so I can make the drive down to visit the grand baby. I'm all jittery inside and nauseous this morning. Very little if any sleep last night. I have to keep trying for my husband's sake. For my own, somehow.  Before I leave for the drive, I'm going to pray to God and my husband to help me thru another day. I don't really want to go anywhere, but I know I'll make myself even more miserable staying home and I can't let the kids down.

I'll pray for you today also-----

[Janice 252]

Hi KMB. Good luck with the drive. I hope you feel a bit better once you're on your way. Hopefully the baby will lift your spirits a little. I have not even driven yet. I'm so sleep deprived I don't think it would be wise. Went to church this morning which always helps. But for the first time I had to tell some people that my husband has passed away. How many times will I have to say those words ? Back home now and I think I'm taking a cold. Wouldn't be surprised. My immune system must be so low at the moment. Hope you have a lovely day with the family and the drive isn't too stressful. How far away are they ? Sending hugs and prayers. X

[KayC]

We're in a storm here in the Pacific Northwest, it's hard to go through something like this completely alone.  My family all has their husbands, they can't relate.  They say at least I don't have to listen to football.  What I wouldn't give to have my husband back listening to football!  They don't get it, how could they!

This morning my truck wouldn't start.  It'd be so easy if my husband was alive, but nothing seems to be easy when you're totally alone.

Janice, I remember how hard it was going to church right after my husband died.  Everyone knew he died, but they'd ask how I was and I'd burst into tears.  And it was hard seeing his spot empty or worse yet, someone else sitting in it.  I moved to a spot across the church.

KMB, I wish the group met more often, like once a week.  I hope you make a friend there, somebody that understands...

[Janice 252]

Hi KayC. Hope the storm passes soon. I used to love lying in bed beside Bill (who was fast asleep!) listening to the thunder and lightning. I felt so safe. Not any more. And when things like your truck not starting happen, it's just another reminder of what our life now is. And it hurts so bad. My church recently opened a new complex of halls including a coffee bar and we have a new service there at 9.30am which is just as well as I don't know when I'll be able to sit in the actual church again . Not for some time I think.  Hope you find something positive in your day. Sending hugs. X

[KMB]

Hi Janice and KayC---Went to see the grand baby. The drive is 35 minutes one way. Took up 4 hours out of the long day. My heart isn't in it for the baby yet. Maybe when she gets bigger and more interactive. She just eats and sleeps right now. I went for my son's sake and I know it's important to my sanity to get away. I still feel like I'm going insane though. It's a warm, beautiful, sunshiny day for fall. Can't help but keep thinking how my husband and I would be enjoying it, going for a 4 wheeler ride or sitting out on the deck. Just being together. He'd want me to enjoy it for him but I can't do it. Maybe I should just go for a 4 wheeler ride anyway and pretend my husband is with me. With everything I read about Heaven, it is said our loved ones are always with us. I just wish I could get a little glimpse of my husband's spirit around me. To know it's true.I try to be aware of signs he's with me like other people experience but maybe I'm to much in pain to notice.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Janice 252 said:

I used to love lying in bed beside Bill (who was fast asleep!) listening to the thunder and lightning. I felt so safe.

Me too.  this is way different, high winds and rain like I've never seen, threatening to destroy whatever is in its path.  It's frightening to go through alone.  The high winds have abated but the rains remain, they're torrential.  I'm not liking this!

16 hours ago, KMB said:

With everything I read about Heaven, it is said our loved ones are always with us.

I do hope so.  If wishful thinking could make it so, it would be!  I just wish he could answer me.  I did have one time when I was fraught with panic/anxiety, and I felt the sensation of his touch on my back, it was very calming, very reassuring...that was a few months ago.  Maybe they save the effort for when it's really needed?  Maybe they know we have to get used to living alone.  I don't know.

[Janice 252]

Hi KMB. Glad you got to see your family. Your little granddaughter will bring you so much comfort once she's a bit older. Very young babies definitely don't do a lot but once she's able to respond to you it's be so much better. An "I love you gran" from my grandchildren can lift my spirits so much. Don't think I've said but I'm an only child and was the sole carer for my mother who went into residential care about 4 months ago. She has some dementia but still knows us all. I haven't told her about Bill as I know she would just worry about me then. But I've also realised that I'm grieving for her too. She's still here but I can't have the relationship with her which I had so I guess I've lost 2 of the most important people in my life in the last few months. Saw my dr this morning who told me that the shoulder pain Bill had had in July was unlikely to be angina. So I feel a little better about that-i think.

KayC - I looked at the weather for your area and it is scary. So many houses with no power.Hope you're safe and it passes soon. 

Sending hugs to you both x

[KMB]

Hi Janice--Sorry to hear about your mom. Your situation must be a huge burden for you to carry and try to deal with. Praying to God to help you is all the advice I can give. A friend of ours calls me every Sunday, bless his heart. He lost his mom over a year ago and some siblings over the years. I asked him how does he cope. He told me you just have to keep reminding yourself that they are in God's care and you have to keep busy. Life is going to keep moving forward like it's meant to. Not much consolation right now, but it is common sense when you think about it. I've been told that we are all spiritual energy beings from Heaven just here having a life experience and that when our time here is up according to God's plan, we return to our spiritual self. We have all been here before many times to learn lessons before we stay permanently in Heaven on God's level. Hard to wrap my head around all that. I guess it's an individual belief system about why we are here and where to do we go when we leave this earth. For some reason we are supposed to be here yet and it was time for our husband's to leave and be back in Heaven.

Hi KayC---My youngest daughter lives in Washington state. She's told me about all the storms. She said it rained all day Saturday. A small storm went thru here at 1 AM this morning and left another 1/2 inch of water which we don't need this time of year. I was so tired from not sleeping the night before that I just blocked it out.

Personally, I believe our loved ones show somehow they are there for us when we really need them. That sensation of the touch on your back when you needed the reassurance was amazing. I guess it takes a lot of energy for them to come thru like that. Are you into meditation? There are self-guided meditations on youtube and you can buy cd's. Learning meditation can raise your own vibrational energy level to connect to Bill. I tried meditation years ago to try and keep myself grounded and calm but life was so much in the way and I was unable to focus. I have a hard time shutting off the mind chatter. I'd try it now but I have to work my way thru the sadness and depression that I know would be blocking me.

HUGS TO YOU BOTH!

[Janice 252]

Thanks KMB. Today is mum's 89th birthday so we brought her out of the home and up to my house for a while. However she's very frail and getting her in and out of the car was very difficult. Not sure when we'll tackle it again. But I can visit her so that's what I'll do. I have tried meditation many years ago and I do think it would help but as you say it's the "mind chatter" which would hold me back. Are you eating any better? Any time I think I can manage something I eat as I have no idea when the nausea will come back. I've lost so much weight, my trousers are in danger of falling down. Hope your weather improves. I hate the dark nights. Off to bed soon. Curtains pulled. TV on. Hope you have a better day tomorrow. Sending hugs x

[Janice 252]

Hi KMB. I forgot to ask if you have been able to sort out your finances yet. I have done so little in that line. Just realised I haven't even told the bank. With mum moving into residential care and giving up her apartment I was still sorting out her finances . Now I have all ours to sort out. Thankfully I looked after most of our banking but there's lots to do . I'm sure with you and your husband having a business together it's even more complicated. All this to deal with, on top of all this pain. I hope you have a more positive day. I'm struggling to get out of bed but I will have to get my head around all that has to be done . Thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs. X

[KMB]

Hi Janice---I'm a little shaky this morning, every morning is like that.I try to block out that I'm facing another day alone without my husband. I hate getting out of bed and right now I feel like going back and pulling the covers over my head. My husband was an early morning person, I used to be also. Wondering what the new day would bring and how best to be productive. Somehow, I managed to get thru yesterday morning. It was an unusually warm day because of storms coming in later and I spent part of the afternoon cutting back a couple of flower plants. I washed the car. Just to keep busy and stay outside. I hope my husband was proud of me for keeping busy. The productive stuff comes in spurts. The things I always have done here as part of our life together.

As far as the financials and legals----My husband has a will which the attorney is seeing to. I get papers in the mail of copies of what he is doing. It hurts every time. Had to give the attorney a list of what's on the property as far as vehicles, equipment, etc. I've been procrastinating, but finally after 2 days of working on it, I just sent it out this past weekend. So much pain and heartache adjusting to the changes. Had to turn over vehicle titles to have my husband's name changed over to mine. That hurts so much! My husband worked long, hard hours to be able to afford what he had. I do have to go to a bank where my husband has an IRA he inherited from his dad when he passed away in 2005. I still remember all that like it was yesterday., going with my husband to make all those changes after his dad passed. That's when my husband had his will done up and he had me make one up. I know it's important but at that time, I never gave a thought that something would happen. Now I have to do it by myself. He listed me as beneficiary of that IRA. We would get a small, annual distribution check. I have to have it closed out and open a new account. I won't be eligible for the annual distribution for 3 to 5 years. I'll have to place my husband's son as beneficiary. That will be the last major thing to take care of. I'm still an emotional wreck and hate the thought of doing it. A few months from now, I will have to go back to the attorney to sign the final papers of my husband's will. I hate the thought of that also. Our checking and savings are joint. I'm not ready to make those changes and don't know if I ever will. I like seeing my husband's name on those joint accts.  I was always proud to be his wife. Eventually, I will have to make those changes and have my step-son listed as beneficiary also. Going to be a long time, if ever, that I'll do that, even though I know it's important. I guess I have to block out the emotional and treat all this as we did our trucking business. Just business and get it done with. It's so very painful dealing with it all. eventually, it's going to look like my husband never existed. I hate seeing his name taken off of everything that was our life.But, my husband would be expecting me to take care of all this for him just like I have always done. And I am thankful and blessed that my husband was prepared and did his best to see that I will be taken care of ---- it shows how very much he was devoted and loved me.

Prayers and hugs to you and making it through another day!

[KayC]

This is the sixth day of torrential rain, at least the high winds are over.  I slept 1 1/2 hours last night, that with a sleeping pill.  

Dealing with wills, etc. is so hard when all you want to do is crawl under the covers and never come out.  Even all these years later, it's so hard to deal with things like leaking roofs, vehicles that won't start, etc. without my husband here.  some of this just doesn't get easier.  I've adjusted to living alone, as much as I can, but I still wish with all my heart that it had gone differently.

KMB, I know it seems like it'll look like he never existed, but as long as you have breath, that won't be the case, he exists very much in your heart and mind, and always will.

[KMB]

Thank you, KayC---I was going to shut off the computer earlier and find something to do to try and stay occupied but I felt compelled to come back online. I'm having another rough morning. Wish desperately for my husband. Why are the feelings and pain getting worse as time goes on? How is it that I've made it this far alone, when every moment is agony?

I've been trying hard to get a more realistic perspective on things. Sometimes, it works. My husband had health conditions. Conditions that could not be reversed no matter how many surgeries or meds. He and I both knew them and what would eventually happen to him. Even tho, for the most part, I stayed in denial. How can you think about losing your husband when you've shared a life with them for so long? Even with all the medical trips and being a caregiver, I stayed strong for the both of us. I willingly and lovingly spent our days taking care of him and the other things that needed to be done. The physical body can only take so much. He prepared for everything to make this situation as easy for me as humanly possible. Financials, decent vehicles,having the house rewired when we moved in, new vinyl siding and window replacements, a metal roof added 2 years ago. With his will, the transfer of ownership of house and property. He gave me the knowledge of how to do things to survive. When he was healthier and working full time, I spent the days doing the things that needed to be done. He taught me to be independent, to use my own judgement and discretion for things that would come up while he was working. His love for me showed in all his actions. Now, I feel like I'm failing him because I cannot, as of yet, bring myself back to that place, back in time, where I spent the days taking care of *business* and holding down the fort the way I did when he was healthier. I was happy and content going thru the day, always listening for the sound of his truck coming down the road and feeling so much love for him when I would meet him outside, no matter the weather. Back in early 2006, that's when things went downhill with his health. Infections, surgeries, many hospital stays, clinic visits and labs. We went thru everything together. He recovered from the surgeries so well and fast. We kept our sense of humor and were strong for each other. In between, we had as normal a life as possible. He was home a lot more of course over these years and I got used to it. I loved being able to have more time with him and taking care of him. This past year, when he was declining so fast, I felt helpless and afraid. I would tell him I wished there was something I could do for him and how helpless I felt. He told me once, not too long before he passed, that he appreciated everything I had been doing for him. On the days where he was feeling ok, he would drive himself to visit the neighbors and his friends, like he wanted to see certain people for the last time. I gave him that space, like I instinctually knew what he needed to do by himself. I would anxiously wait for him to come home and be relieved to see him coming down the driveway. He knew he was going to be leaving our life soon and I still stayed in denial.

Thank you to anyone who reads this. It has helped to get some of this emotional pain out and share it.

[Jasonlovehim06]

I'm not sure where to start or if I'm in the right place.... my boyfriend passed away 9 years ago I shut down completely I ignored my loss my hurt anger and grief....i turned to drugs I'm sober now and for the first time since his funeral I have run into someone we knew together well his nephew's ex girlfriend. She doesn't seem to recognize me yet but it's hard to look at her she reminds me of him I went to sleep with a proposal of marriage an I love you and I'll see you in the morning. when I woke up he was gone right there next to me in the same bed....

[Janice 252]

Jasonlovehim06. You've definitely come to the right place. There are lots of supportive people on here. I lost my husband very suddenly just 4 weeks ago and this site has been very helpful. I'm sorry I don't have any words to help but my thoughts are with you. X

[Janice 252]

Hi KMB. I hope you have a better day today. Yesterday I phoned the bank and made an appointment. Im not looking forward to it but I know it has to be done and to be honest it'll sort a lot of the admin which needs to be done. Bill and I both had wills but like you I never thought I would be dealing with it. We were thinking about our daughters and making it easier for them. And like your husband Bill made sure I would be financially stable. I do not have any money problems but what am I going to spend it on? Nothing means anything anymore. I had 2 visitors yesterday. Bill's best friend calls in when he's passing and a girlfriend called-bringing me lots of fruit as she knows how I'm not eating much. I am so grateful for having them in my life. Tomorrow I am going to get my hair cut. Maybe make me feel a bit better if only for a little while. Thinking of you and sending hugs x

[KayC]

KMB,

There is a certain amount of this they had to face alone...that's hard for us because we lived our lives so entwined...harder yet when they pass and we're forced to go it alone.  I like to think they are still here in the background, watching over us, maybe not all the time, but some of the time.

Jasonlovehim06,

When we try to avoid grief through drinking/drugs/relationships/busyness, it doesn't work...when we come to, it's still there staring us in the face.  I think you're finding that out, as you've become sober, it's hitting you more than you have unresolved grief...it doesn't just go away because we want it to.  Grief takes hard work and it's important to go through the process, to allow ourselves to feel our grief and experience it.  Have you seen a grief counselor?  It might be of some help to you.

[KMB]

Thank you, Janice. I really don't understand sometimes how I have gotten through all these days. Maybe because of my sense of responsibility to take care of the pets and my husband's affairs. We were both so business and work oriented. We worked well as a team. One team member had to leave and that leaves me to pick up the load and somehow go on. The pain and heartache is relentless.

I got my hair cut 4 weeks in. Basically because it was hanging in my eyes, adding to my sadness and stress and I was so afraid of myself doing something drastic like grabbing the scissors and hacking away. I had just taken my husband for his hair cut his last week and I mentioned to him on the way home that I was getting overdue for one.There have been a lot of firsts since my husband has been gone and it's all hard to cope with. I haven't been eating much either.  I can't bring myself to cook. I cooked for my husband and seeing the pans and dishes that we used makes me nauseous. Going to a grocery store has me wondering around like a zombie. I try to eat once or twice a day only because the stomache pain seems to intensify my emotions, Microwave meals, bananas and yogurt. A friend stopped by on Sunday to drop off a couple of grouse. I'm grateful of course. This friend knows that at this time of year, my husband and I would go out grouse hunting. I cooked plenty of grouse last year for our Thanksgiving and Christmas meals. I don't even want to think about the holidays.

Keep me posted, Janice----somehow we'll all find comfort in each other here---hugs and prayers!

[Janice 252]

Hi KMB. Today is a bad day. Bill had a previous heart attack 23 years ago. No problem since but my dr told me on Mon that he was lucky to get so many years after that. I never looked at it like that i.e that we should have been on the look out for another one. If I had I would have persuaded him to go to the dr when he had the shoulder pain. And the dr had no explanation for the fact that bill's cholesterol was normal yet it was the build up of cholesterol in his veins which caused the heart attack. I feel that I let him down and had he got treatment this could all have been so different. I'm finding that really hard to cope with. It's mid afternoon here and I really want to go to bed and hide. Hopefully tomorrow I can get my head around it. Hope you have a better day. Prayers and hugs to you. X

[KMB]

Thanks, KayC---So many unanswered questions to what led up to everything as we go through with our loss. My husband never said anything he didn't mean. He would talk about dying. He wanted to die. He was losing quality of life. He had to quit working, driving his logging truck because his legs were failing him and that day, the day he put the last load on his truck, he almost fell off. He came into the house and said, that's it. I'm done. I was so afraid of what that was going to do to him, emotionally and mentally. He put the truck up for sale and he sold it to a good friend that we knew would take care of it. The truck left our driveway on July 1st. The following month, he was gone. My husband had always been a workaholic. He did get to do everything in life that he wanted. But he would also say that if he couldn't do anything, not being able to walk, his hands not working right because of the diabetic nerve damage, his body tired and his heart worn out, that he didn't want to be here. I would disagree with him, that I was here to help him. He didn't want to end up in a hospital or here at home laying up being miserable and not able to do anything. But, he got his wish and I'm thankful he didn't suffer. I miss him so much even though I know he's at peace now. He's not suffering anymore and is my selfishness in wanting him and our life together part of this grieving?

[KMB]

Janice---sorry you are having a bad day---I have them too. Part of the problem I know is the constant dwelling on everything. My husband wouldn't want me to keep doing that. You can't change the past he would say. But how do you get your brain to work differently? The one I turned to for everything is gone.

Hugs to you---

[KayC]

KMB,

What state are you in?  Just wondered, you mentioned the grouse and logging, sounds like where I'm at (Oregon).
I would not call it selfishness because you want and miss your husband.  It is only natural to, and yes, it's very much a part of grief.  I will always miss and want my husband, how could it be any other way?  We can have conflicting feelings at the same time, and it only makes sense because this is multi-faceted.  We can be happy for them and sorry for us!

Janice,

I'm sorry it was a hard day, I hope today is better for you.  (((hugs)))

[KMB]

Thanks, KayC---I live in Wisconsin. Tourist area in the north central part. Hunting, fishing and snowmobiling. Logging has always been the main industry.

I'm a work in progress I guess, though for the most part I think I'm regressing. Always conflicted as you say. I know my husband is free of the sufferings of his medical conditions. I wished for that desperately when he was here. I know he is in Heaven, but I'm always sad because I can't be with him yet.My husband admired a lot of my qualities, I guess that's why I didn't for some reason go before him. Maybe he wouldn't have been able to go on somehow. With his medical conditions, there wouldn't have been anyone to take care of him. Questions are endless for which there will never be any answers. Yes, part of the grieving is for myself. My purpose revolved around my husband and our life. What I'm thankful and grateful for is my home that my husband left me. He grew up in this house. He had a brother born a few years before him that died during the c-section birth. He would mention that brother once in awhile. I like to think that they are reunited now. My husband and his parents all passed in this house and God willing, I'll be able to do the same someday.

Hi Janice---How are you doing?------Hugs to both you and KayC

[KMB]

Hi Janice, Just read your other post. It's good you got a hair cut and went out with your friend. Small steps, that's all that's needed, take your time.

Hi KayC--Just remembered that you mentioned your anniversary yesterday. I was thinking of you and hope you said a prayer to Bill to honor your marriage.

[Jasonlovehim06]

On Wednesday, October 19, 2016 at 7:08 AM, KayC said:

KMB,

There is a certain amount of this they had to face alone...that's hard for us because we lived our lives so entwined...harder yet when they pass and we're forced to go it alone.  I like to think they are still here in the background, watching over us, maybe not all the time, but some of the time.

Jasonlovehim06,

When we try to avoid grief through drinking/drugs/relationships/busyness, it doesn't work...when we come to, it's still there staring us in the face.  I think you're finding that out, as you've become sober, it's hitting you more than you have unresolved grief...it doesn't just go away because we want it to.  Grief takes hard work and it's important to go through the process, to allow ourselves to feel our grief and experience it.  Have you seen a grief counselor?  It might be of some help to you.

I'm not sure where to start or if I'm in the right place.... my boyfriend passed away 9 years ago I shut down completely I ignored my loss my hurt anger and grief....i turned to drugs I'm sober now and for the first time since his funeral I have run into someone we knew together well his nephew's ex girlfriend. She doesn't seem to recognize me yet but it's hard to look at her she reminds me of him I went to sleep with a proposal of marriage an I love you and I'll see you in the morning. when I woke up he was gone right there next to me in the same bed....

KMB

I have not gotten a fried counselor I can't afford one. 

Janice 

Thank you I'm glad to know that I am in the right place. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, KMB said:

I was thinking of you and hope you said a prayer to Bill to honor your marriage.

Thanks, my husband's name's George, not Bill, but I talked to him, told him how much I still love him.  It hasn't lessened one iota with time.

19 hours ago, Jasonlovehim06 said:

I have not gotten a fried counselor I can't afford one. 

There are some based on income, some through school, some through hospice, some through mental health organizations.  I know sometimes it's hard finding one, I live in a rural area so the one I got (only one here) wasn't very good, but there's lots more to choose from in the cities.  You might even try a pastor if nothing else, they usually don't charge.
Anyway, even if you don't see a counselor, I'm glad you've found your way here!!

[KMB]

So sorry, KayC, about getting your husband's name wrong. Talk to so many people on here, it's not easy keeping names straight. Hugs to you.

[KayC]

No apologies needed!

[KMB]

Hi Janice---How are you doing?  Prayers and hugs!

[Janice 252]

Hi KMB. Haven't been on here for a while but I have been thinking of you. My daughters have been keeping me busy though I still hate coming home to this empty house. My nausea hasn't improved so I had to go back to the dr. I'm now taking a small dose of diazapan first thing in the morning. Hate taking any meds but I have to do something in order to eat. Went to the bank today and set things in motion. Bill was always moving our money to get the best interest so I knew it wouldn't be straightforward but at least it's started. I'm meeting a friend next week who lost her husband 18 months ago so I'm hoping she can give me some advice. What have you been up to?  Oddly enough I have been getting some comfort from getting into my bedroom really early. Everything locked up curtains pulled , TV on. I take a cup of tea and something to eat and hide away. It's Halloween next week. I take that's a big thing where you are. Lots of fireworks here I'm trying to avoid it all. And the thought of Christmas is a nightmare. Hoping you've found some comfort too. Sending hugs and prayers x

[KMB]

Hi Janice---Relieved to hear from you. I understand about the comfort of an early bedtime and hiding away. Last night I made some sleepytime tea, hoping I could go to sleep quicker and stay asleep longer. Did not work. I sleep about an hour and lay there for hours. I've tried staying up on the computer or reading as late as midnight. Sleep is still elusive. Mornings are still rough and I find myself thinking of little errands just to get away in the afternoon.Weekends are especially hard to get through.  I get a little comfort in the evenings. Could be, that when my husband was here, he'd watch the supper time news and go to sleep. I would have the feeling of peace that our little family was settled for the evening and everyone was content.I would watch tv, do a few little chores or read until a more normal bedtime hour for me.  The whole routine has changed and it's unbearable most times without the comfortable presence of my husband here.  I'll take whatever sense of normalcy I can get.

On Monday, I went with a friend of ours to visit his wife in the nursing home. She had a knee replacement a couple weeks ago. They are both elderly and I guess the rules are the nursing home for physical therapy until you are recovered enough to go home. The nursing home is a sad, depressing place. Most there never get visitors.I am thankful my husband never had cause to be in a place such as that. We both would have hated him being there.

Live in the country so Halloween won't be anything to worry about. Not looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas though. 5 kids between my husband and I from our 1st marriages and they are scattered or decide to work the holidays for the extra money. My stepson lives next door but he goes to a friend's for the holiday meals.

Wish Heaven had visiting hours or some kind of voice chat. Even if just once a month would be a great help in getting through the rest of this life.

Keep in touch, Janice---peaceful thoughts going your way.

[KayC]

I also live in the country, don't get trick or treaters.  Just as well, I'm Diabetic and do not need sweets around to tempt me!

4 hours ago, KMB said:

Wish Heaven had visiting hours or some kind of voice chat.

You're not a kidding!

[Janice 252]

Hi KMB and Kay. How are you both? I have just dragged myself out of bed. It wasn't easy. How are we all going to get through this long Saturday ? My family have kept me busy all week but I have no plans for today and I'm not expecting any visitors.  I always loved Saturdays. We didn't necessarily spend it together. Bill had lots of hobbies. American football, history , sci if, politics . Life was never boring with him. Every other Saturday he played war games with a group of friends he had known for over 30 years. I did some shopping or cleaned the house and looked forward to him coming home. If either of us had been out the first thing we did on coming home was to have a catch up on how our day had been. I miss that. I still expect him to come through the door. The pain is as sharp as ever. Bill always said I would be well provided for financially when he was gone and he was right but what use is that money.i know if I had money problems that would be another worry but what am I going to spend it on. Nothing means anything anymore.i find it hard to believe that anything will bring me any happiness ever. Sorry to be so negative. I hope your day is more positive. Sending hugs x

[KayC]

Finances are a huge concern to me...it seems my house is aging just when I am.  I had a car wreck one night (someone on their cell phone & not looking, with their stereo up so they couldn't hear me honking), lost my job the next morning, and later that week discovered I needed a new roof.  I already knew I needed a new 40' ramp.  Every time I turn around the place needs something major.  My new patio roof leaks everywhere and the contractor won't return my calls.  The back of the garage needs replaced.  I need a new wood stove.  The house needs painted and new flooring.  The shed needs taken down.  How do you do all this when you have nothing left after paying the bills?  When George was alive he would of dealt with all this stuff.  Now there's just me.  A friend of mine sold her house and moved into an apt. after her husband died.  I think I see why.  But my house is upsidedown so I still have to stay and pay it down and take care of it.

Today I'm making the 2 1/2 hour trip to my granddaughter's.  Arlie (dog) is going to a "doggie sleepover" and I'll come back tomorrow.  Can't wait to get some granddaughter time in!

Most of my days/nights are oh so alone.  You can get used to it to a point, but there's a part of you that is always longing for your husband.  It's just not the same, it never will be.  We used to spend all of this alone time together!

[Janice 252]

Hi Kay. You have an awful lot to deal with and you're doing it alone. My heart goes out to you. Have you any friends around who could help even if it's just moral support. I know I have got a lot better at asking for help since Bill died. I've always been fiercely independent but this nightmare changes you. Are there any community groups which could help? Anyone in your church maybe? At the moment I take any help from anywhere. It's only mid afternoon here but I'm considering having a shower and getting ready for bed. Have eaten nothing all day but it wouldn't be the first time I've had supper in bed. Thankfully tomorrow is Sunday so I will be in church at 9am to have some breakfast before the service. I think it's my best part of the week now. Enjoy your time with your granddaughter. I'm sure she will bring you comfort. Hoping things get better for you Kay. You're in my prayers. Sending hugs x

[KMB]

Hi Janice---Hope you are doing better. It's good you are finding comfort at church.

Hugs to you.

[KayC]

My "friends" all disappeared or turned out not to be friends, I'm pretty much alone, although I do have my church, I'm not really that close to anyone here except my sister.  I had a wonderful time with my granddaughter this weekend!  It's going to be a long winter because I can't travel to be with her during the freezing & snow, but I look forward to Spring and will be on my son about video chatting with her.

Janice, I hope church was a comfort to you yesterday.  I'm getting ready to go to work (I volunteer at our church as treasurer, among other things).  

KMB, it's good to see you again, as always!

[Janice 252]

Hi to KMB and Kay and all of us going through this dreadful time. How are you all? Kay - I'm sorry your friends have not supported you. My friends are still hanging in there even though I am lousy company. I'm glad you have your sister. I'm an only child and really miss not having a sibling. I had a lot to deal with earlier this year when my mun developed dementia. It would have been good to have a brother or sister to help make hard decisions but of course I had Bill. I thought my life was difficult then -little did I know just what it was going to become. KMB - I hope you are getting through each day. I'm trying to keep busy but I'm exhausted and usually glad to get back home and into bed. I know a few widows and everyone seems to cope so well but I guess we don't know what they're like behind closed doors. I'm a mess. I hate it when people say it's worse at 6 months or 1 year. This can't get worse - I couldn't bear it. I have to hope this will be better. Hoping your having a more positive time. Hugs and prayers to you both x

[KayC]

Yesterday my sister told me (we were speaking about cremation) that the ashes could be put down the toilet, it didn't matter, the ashes are not them.  She has not been through this and it's totally inappropriate for her to make such remarks!  I told her it's about honoring them and the ashes were part of them and of course we'd never put them down a toilet.

So you see, sisters are no better at being supportive than any other "friends", they haven't a clue any more than anyone else that hasn't been on this journey.  She still has her husband to go places with, to talk over the day with, to eat with, to spend holidays with.  She still has her husband to take care of her when she breaks her arm.  She hasn't a clue.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Janice 252 said:

I hate it when people say it's worse at 6 months or 1 year.

It's not worse at six months or a year or two, but people often perceive it as such when they have been in shock or denial and reality sets in.  Six months is the common mark where most come out of the fog and into reality and so they notice it more, I've heard the same said at two years.  For myself I didn't feel anything was worse than the year of "firsts without".  That six month mark could be at four months or eight months, we're all individual.  And if you can't imagine it being worse...it probably is as bad as it gets right now.  Please don't worry about it, it's just a figure of speech, an arbitrary time period.  Everyone is different.  Every day that we do this journey, we learn a little more, grow a little stronger in our survival, but it's such small increments as to seem imperceptible when we're going through it.  The pain seems to obliterate any good that might come our way, but little by little that too begins to lift and we adjust to this new life...which was once thought impossible to do.

[Janice 252]

Kay. I'm so sorry your sister was so insensitive. People really don't get it. Even when they try to understand they are still going back to their cosy lives and leaving us to this misery. Bill died on the sofa in our family room and I've spent hours there today just clutching the last things he touched. It doesn't help. I want to feel closer to him but I just cry. Haven't seen anyone today. My daughter did ask me to go out with them but I stayed home. Probably a mistake. Tomorrow is Saturday which is always the worst so I will have to go out and do something. Sending hugs x

[KayC]

I remember those early days so well, It is very hard.  If it's any consolation, it won't stay this bad forever.  I've gotten used to the missing him and used to my life, it's taken hard work to build new routines, and I hate to tell you how long it took me, but it has finally gotten better.  I don't cry very often anymore.  There is a sadness element to my life now that I didn't have before, I carry my grief with me.  It's always there in the background.  I think about and talk to George all the time, so he's never far from me.

It seems in the earlier days we're damned if we do, damned if we don't as far as going places, etc.  It's hard no matter how we handle it.  I hope tomorrow is a better day for you!