Lost

[Yah, I've Got Issues]

My brother passed away 4 months ago.  I just can't even believe that happened.  I think my entire family was in denial about how sick he was.  He was always the strong, athletic one.  He was in the hospital having a heart surgery to hold hi, over until he could get a transplant.  It was supposed to be a slam dunk that he would get through this one with no problem, but something went terribly wrong.  He was awake and alert, but his body failed horribly as he declined over the next few weeks.  I'm blessed to have been there in the hospital with him his last week, holding his hand when he passed.

I just cannot believe it.  He lived about 9-10 hours away from the time I was 9 until his passing, so I feel so robbed of time with him.  There are so many things I wish I had asked him, or said to him.  So I struggle, because I know no one said life would be fair.  And I know I didn't have control of the situation, but how did this happen on my watch.  And I struggle because while he had told me that he wanted to be cremated in the unlikely event something went wrong, I still can't wrap my head around my big brother being reduced to dust.

I still cry daily (usually when I'm alone in the car).  My nerves are totally on edge.  All my past experiences of loss seem to be bubbling up; I was holding my father's hand when he passed 4 years ago, and I have 3 angel babies that I lost as well.  I'm normally really good at shoving this stuff way down and carrying on with my day.