Members Tommy's mum Posted October 12, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 12, 2016 i just joined but it seems that a lot of the posts are old some several years old. I want to communicate with other parents who have lost an adult child and are still grieving. I think it matters whether your child was an infant or toddler or teen although we are all grieving parents it is so much easier to talk with someone who has a very similar circumstance to our own so we can discuss drug or alcohol abuse or just difficult teens/ older children. I am not minimising anyones desperate loss but id like to find someone else with somilar story to my loss of an adult child. thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members janris Posted October 16, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2016 Hi Tommy's mom I to am new to the group and have lost my 20 year old son. he was a wonderful young man and happy go lucky, always smiling an joking around. he had an infectious smile and knew how to cheer people up when they were down. I sure wish he was here to cheer me up now! How old was Tommy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted October 17, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 he had just turned 24, i found out from friends in hawaii he was saving up to fly me out for Xmas so we could see each other for the first time in 4yrs. Living in different countries was so hard. i prayed every day that i could somehow get the money for a flight but that never happened. I have lost all faith in a god now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Laytonsmom Posted October 20, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2016 My son was just twenty and amazing! He lost his struggle with addiction just over a week ago. I just joined today to reach out for my own help. And I think you're right. Though the pain is unbearable for any parent that lost a child, it is easier to reach out to those of us with similar situations because those that are dealing with the loss of say an infant, will likely be grieving in different ways than we probably would because they have their own set of what could of, would of or should have been's that we do. While we were fortunate enough to know them so well we could taste the potential greatness their futures held, and morn all the more that they will never be able to realize their full potential, and they are probably left asking why they were not given the chance to know their child longer and allowed to see the posibilities. Both equally difficult to cope with but different enough to find it hard to relate to. I hope this site will offer us both the help and comfort we are seeking Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted October 26, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 26, 2016 you are right we not only mourn the loss of a life but also their future. It is so hard I still struggle daily with grief but being able to connect with others i hope will help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members janris Posted October 27, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 27, 2016 Layton's mom You are correct the loss is much deeper for an adult child as you have so many memories with them so the loss is much larger. I have lost both and infant son and a 20 year old son and the loss of the 20 year old is soo much more painful as I have watched him grow and share his dreams with me and he was never able to achieve as his life was cut short. He was so excited to start a life with the love of his life when she returned from university the following spring, once they made that decision his whole outlook on life changed and he was soo happy. I miss him sooo much that I cannot breathe at times... and it has been just over a year since we lost him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted October 27, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 27, 2016 for me it has been over 14months and I still cant catch my breath. we are lucky to have whatever time we were given with our children and for every single one of us IT WAS NEVER LONG ENOUGH. i will always miss Tommy there will always be a member missing from our family group but i hope for healing for EVERYONE on this forum. Just by posting we are taking back some control when we are all desperately out of control and taking baby steps toward eventually living again. Let us all share things we loved about the children that were taken from us so cruelly so that there is a spark of celebrating what they brought to our lives when they were here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members janris Posted October 28, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 28, 2016 Jamie was the most happy go lucky kid I knew... always joking around to make everyone smile.. he used to dress up in a Batman costume with his rollerblades on and skate around the city to go and see his friends if they were down just to cheer them up!! We even got a mannequin for his funeral and put his rollerblades on it with his costume on and had it set up both in the funeral home and the bar where we ha the celebration of life for him. We had Batman balloons as well. When we spoke with the officiator for the service and explained the story of Batman in relation to Jamie he said that he had actually seen him on the street one day skating around so he felt he knew him. Jamie was always going out of his way to entertain his friends! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Laytonsmom Posted October 28, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 28, 2016 Such a wonderful memory. I also "celebrated his life" with the funeral. It was so tough getting through that week, with all the difficult and emotional decisions to be made and duties to tend to in order to make sure everything was ready, but, unfortunately, the hardest part was that I had to defend my decisions with all my family and made to feel guilty. They tried to pressure me into a traditional funeral, with organ music an hymnals. But he wouldn't have wanted all that. H was twenty years old and he would have wanted all his family and friends laughing and telling funny stories about the time they spent with him. We players 'Puff Daddy. "I'll be missing you" and Tupac' s "Family Reunion" and all his friends sang along with then, I have no idea if my in-laws will ever speak to me again, but it wasn't about us. It was about my beautiful, intelligent, and kind son who loved his friends and life the fullest. I gave him the send off he would have wanted if he could have asked. He was even wearing his VAN tennis shoes and had his skateboard with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members janris Posted October 28, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 28, 2016 They will get over it...you did right by him! I had the same feelings about having his celebration of life in a bar...but it was very fitting for him... he would have been so proud to see the bar at a capacity of 350 people all celebrating his life and sharing stories... we also took batman there. Jamie loved VANS too.. he had grey ones on, he was so anal about his clothing and was always using a lint roller to ensure his clothes had no cat fur on them and that he looked perfect that we put one in the casket with him. Our daughter freaked when she saw it thinking that the funeral home left it there lol...until we told he we put it there! Having a funeral for a young person ..you need to reflect their lives.. no matter what people think....YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted October 28, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 28, 2016 Yes you did. At the very last minute my very difficult ex decided he wanted prayers and a hymn and organ music!! Tommy was 24!! he would have hated that so i put in a piece of classical peaceful music to start, then did The Vicar of Dibley version of The Lord is my Shepherd. ( This is a very well known English comedy about a lady vicar, so i knew Tommy would get that I was being tongue in cheek!) he loved punk and screamo and i didnt think that was appropriate nor rap with its dubious lyrics so we played Run by Snow Patrol that he really liked and has very meaningful lyrics. I had requested the curtains not be drawn because i could not bear the thought of him being taken away. I had one of my favourite photos of Tommy in front of his coffin and i picked it up and walked out of the crematorium holding it to my heart so i felt I was leaving with his spirit and not leaving him behind. Tommy loved skateboarding, hiking listening to his music and being with friends. Tommy had naturally bright red hair, orange really, and piercing blue eyes and freckles showing his irish heritage. He had a cheeky grin that lit up the room and made it hard to be mad at him for long. He was funny,friendly and had the greatest booming laugh. He was also gifted and very eloquent with words, sensitive and thoughtful (sometimes!) His friends used to laugh about meeting him for the first time because he had the baseball cap on sideways or backward, gauges in his ears, tattoos, pants lowslung showing some of his underwear, really "gangster," smoking a cigarette, then would sit down and show his intelligence and use long words! The other side of him was his bipolar and ADHD which was a daily struggle. Tommy would get very depressed or be manic and had been bullied at school so he was very sensitive to the needs of others and acted as his friends counsellor. He always wanted to help other people so it is not surprising that he was killed trying to save his suicidal friend from jumping off a very high building. Tommy had struggled with addiction for years but had been clean for over a year so he understood addicts and homeless people and wanted to be a counsellor for older kids. It is so sad he never managed his dream as he was so empathetic and intuitive and had really seen the dark side of life. I try to think of his cheeky grin and mega hugs and how i miss him. love ya forever Tommy xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AdamJKing Posted November 1, 2016 Members Report Share Posted November 1, 2016 I lost my 26 year old son Adam on 4 Sept. I am so scared about the rest of my life.He was my first baby-the light of my life.I just want my life to be over. I can't be content with memories. A memory can't tell me how to survive without him or say "I love you too Mum".It can't show me how to live the rest of my life without him.Adam always knew what to do and now I don't know what to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted November 2, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted November 2, 2016 Adamjking none of us know what to do we just scrape through each day barely not knowing how we did it. at first there is total shock and disbelief along with agonising grief and confusion. Then there is funeral planning something us parents could never have been prepared for, and then emptiness and "now what do i do? How do i go on?" This is all normal for grieving. I cannot even remember the last ten months or so i obviously existed but wasnt present if that makes sense. each stage of the grieving process is painful and some questions can never be answered we just learn to face life in time. can i ask what happened to your son? just know everyone on this site on this thread has lost at least one child/adult child so we absolutely know where you are coming from and can possibly help to ease a tiny bit of your pain by sharing our stories and thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AdamJKing Posted November 4, 2016 Members Report Share Posted November 4, 2016 Hi Tommy's Mum. Adam suffered ftom Crohns disease for 3 years.It caused him to live with pain but he managed. In Feb 15 he had two heart valves replaced due to him being immunosupressed-to manage Crohns.He was living the life after that.Moved out of home,fell in love and life was good.On June 15 he had to call an ambulance after being discharged the day previously from hospital (gastro).They discovered a blood clot in heart and stents were inserted to disolve.Recovering in ward that evening he suffered a cardiac arrest.He was given CPR and was improving daily.After about 2 weeks his body started to struggle-we were told to expect the worst.After declining all day we were told to call family.One option left was to put him on ECMO machine-it wasnt guaranteed that he would make it. He did Adam was then transferred to St.Vincents hospital to wait for heart transplant.He was placed at the very top of the list.The heart never came before complications set in. He lingered in ICU for 7 weeks-we never left his side. We were waiting to get him stronger to go back on the transplant list but he never made it. On Fathers Day he lost his fight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted November 5, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted November 5, 2016 Oh how tragic that he never got the heart he needed. My kids and I all carry donor cards so if anything happened to us we would give what we could for others to have a better life. Donation is so important it literally means the gift of life. My son Tommy died pretty quickly from his injuries and he was in a hospital in hawaii and we are in the Uk so did not have the chance for donation. i wish we could have had that chance it would have made life a little easier knowing someone else benefitted. Still my son did save someone he saved his suicidal friend the night he was killed. I message the guy every 6 months or so to see how he is doing. I let him know i dont blame him for what happened and that he just needs to live a happy life and try to help others that is what Tommy would have wanted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Steve s mom Posted November 6, 2016 Members Report Share Posted November 6, 2016 Adams mom I'm so sorry your son didn't get the transplant he needed in time my son Steve died 11-14-11 it will be 5 years soon he had a cardiac arrest and was not revived in time so he was shocked at the scene which will be 5 yrs tomorrow night ,and was in the hospital for seven more days while they did everything they could to help his brain recover ,unfortunately he was declared brain dead on 11-14-11 we donated his organs ,it's what he wanted too so through his death he saved several lives Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted November 6, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted November 6, 2016 Will be thinking of you steves mom as tomorrow comes and another sad anniversary date arrives. I am so glad you could donate Steve's organs he gave life and hope to other people and their families what a powerful gift. we know only too well how important life is. Did he have an undiagnosed heart problem? did you ever hear from the receipient families? Sometimes you are allowed to after several years? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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