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fresno11

Just feeling so alone....any advice?

6 posts in this topic

I'm 34. My mother died when I was young, and my dad died about a year and a half ago, after my uncle and grandparents died a few years prior. I have not felt the same since my dad died, as I feel he was really my last surviving relative. (Note: I have a biological sister. Big age difference/never close/she's a liar/user/terrible person. We haven't talked in 10 years, and I don't miss her.)

I feel like I'm just out here floating along in life, like a lone wolf in the woods. Granted, I have a great boyfriend (who gets completely alienated by my grief sometimes) and wonderful friends....and yes, I get the concept of friends being the 'family we get to choose' -- but at the end of the day, all of my wonderful friends have their own families and I don't. {To make matters worse, when aforementioned boyfriend's family invites me to something, they are just not the same kind of person that I am, or that my relatives were.} I know lots of people complain about family drama, but my crew was awesome. Seriously, they were some of the best people I've ever crossed paths with, and I was lucky enough to call them mine. So, I think that makes me more resentful, having to be around people I don't like as much....and then I miss my family more. It's just so hard, and strange...and lonely....having no one around anymore who's known me my entire life. I feel all of our memories are now essentially lost, since I can share them with other people, but it's not the same as remembering things with the people who created the memories with me to begin with (if that makes sense). Dialogue about the memories just doesn't mean the same thing to some random person or friend.

I feel like nothing really matters too much any more. Life is blah most of the time. I definitely am not happy like I used to be. I used to love life more than anyone I knew. Now I feel I'm more or less just existing, like in the movie 'Groundhog Day.'

I have gone to therapy and I'm kind of sick of it. It's been a lot of stuff I don't find helpful. Hence why I'm here. I think just knowing other people are in this boat will be more helpful and less isolating for me, even though it's sad for all of us.

Is there anything any of you have done to just feel better, or less alone? 

ANY words of advice are greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

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I am so very sorry. I do not have any good advice to tell you. I know that other people in your situation find their own "new families" by volunteering, joining groups, going back to school, planning adventures and even creating visual or audio memorials of their relatives. While you can't get those you've lost back, you can create new, longterm memories. You are very young, and you can cultivate some very longterm relationships and move forward. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

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Fresno, I totally get what you are saying.  I'm much older than you, but your post absolutely described me.  My Daddy died in '89 (I was about your age), I was my mom's sole caretaker (she had cancer) for 5 years until her death in 2013.  Two weeks after I finally completed her estate, my sister died (last June).  I'm divorced (for many, many years), have no children.  I do have a niece that I adore, but she has a family of her own and lives 8 hour drive from me.  My sister and I were not very close and I held a lot of anger for her life choices, and, at the end of Mom's life, her refusal to even come visit her (we all 3 lived within 1 mile of each other).  Now that she's gone, too...that leaves me.  I, like you, feel alone and empty and I don't know what to do with that.  I will tell you I have no words of advice, but if misery loves company, then we, at least, "get" each other!  I am so terribly sorry for your losses...you are so young and that, somehow makes it worse, to me.  Hang in and stay close...maybe we've found some support here?? Hugs to you...

 

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I'm so sorry I haven't logged in lately to see your reply. Thank you so much for reaching out. I'm very, very sorry to hear of your losses, as well. I would love to stay in contact with you so we can share....anything....that might help.

It has been several months since my first post, and I feel about the same. I'm starting to accept the fact that I might just feel this way forever. Kind of trying to fight it....but it's definitely not getting much better. How are you doing?

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Dear fresno11:

I don't know if you still look at this thread, but I just wanted to say that I also can relate to practically everything you said about the loneliness of life without your beloved family.  My mother wasn't very involved in my life, and passed away two months before my father.  My dad died about two and a half years ago.  My favorite uncles and grandparents died quite a few years prior.  I grew up mostly with older relatives who were the salt of the earth, nicest people you'd ever want to meet.  I think they are a dying breed. 

Losing my dad has made my life feel empty, because he was my best friend.  We had so much in common and we lived in the same house for 55 years.  The first year after his death, it was still too painful to enjoy much of anything, but I am gradually getting better.  I just need to find someone who is fun to be with who I can trust. I have a former boyfriend turned roommate who helped me through my grief better than anyone, just by being here with me, but he has a lot of problems and doesn't know how to enjoy life anymore.  He doesn't like to see me cry, because it depresses him.

I have tried therapists and grief support groups, but I know what you mean when you said, "Dialogue about the memories just doesn't mean the same thing to some random person or friend. "  I still have cousins who remember the good old days, but they live far away and have their own families and friends to do fun things with.  I'm the type of person who doesn't need troops of friends, just one close friend and companion for doing fun things would be enough, but such a person isn't easy to find. 

I'm 23 years older than you, so I am sorry that you have to go through this at a young age.  Still, even at my age, I am hopeful for the future.  Once I sell my home,  I want to start a new life, meet new people, do things I have never done before.  My father's death opened my eyes to the brevity of life, so if I don't start trying to enjoy life more now, while I still can, I may run out of time.  It won't be the same without my beloved family, but then it's too late for them.  I wish we had done more fun things together and then maybe I wouldn't have so many regrets, but they came from a different age where they didn't expect much out of life.  That was part of their charm.  They were happy with what little they had, because they had survived very hard times.  

It's sad that we've been spoiled by living with nice, good-natured people all our lives.   I've tried churches, bars, and treating neighbors to nice restaurants, but some of my neighbors are downright evil. There have to be nice people still out there somewhere.  They can't all just be on the Internet many miles away.   I have to keep searching.   There are some wonderful people right here on this forum who I wish lived closer.

Once I'm relocated, I might try taking a class or join a bird watching group.  I guess my only advice is don't give up the search.  You never know who you are going to meet.  I have corresponded with some very interesting people online, including writers, opera singers, a symphony conductor, even a retired magician/artist who had tea with the Queen of England.  I just can't seem to meet anyone who shares my interests locally, but I do need to get out more. 

Love and hugs to you and everyone here.....

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