Members Ladyboyd Posted October 12, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 12, 2016 Hi everybody, My husband passed away suddenly almost 8 weeks ago at the age of 48. Initially I thought that it was sudden death from a heart attack (he had suffered a heart attack when he was 26.) However, I recently received the Medical Examiner's report which indicated that he died of a cocaine overdose(which caused a heart attack). I had no idea that he was using. He had confided to me that he had been in rehab for this addiction back in 2006 and had never used since. We met in 2011 and married in 2013 and throughout the time that I knew him and lived with him, I never suspected anything. No change in behavior, nothing suspicious. So, not only am I overwhelmed with grief, I'm also guilt stricken. How did I not notice that this was going on? I'm a social worker and should have known that one doesn't just go into rehab and come out "cured." I lived in a state of denial. He was so very functional, even though he suffered from anxiety and, at times, short bouts of depression, I never suspected he had relapsed. Now I'm also wondering his relapse had something to do with unhappiness with me (although he never expressed this.) How do I cope with the grief and guilt? Please, please help me! Ladyboyd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Janice 252 Posted October 12, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 12, 2016 Ladyboyd. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Mine died just 3 weeks ago and I am in the depths of sadness. We had been married for 46 years and I don't know how I am going to live this life without him. You have experienced the shock of his passing and now also the knowledge that he was using. Our hearts and minds are so confused and broken at the moment that guillt is inevitable even though there was probably nothing we could have done. My husband had a painful shoulder a few weeks before he passed. He told me he had hurt it in the gym and wouldn't go to dr but I'll always wonder if it was angina and maybe we could have prevented his death. I'll never know. Sorry I don't have any better words to help but you're in my thoughts and prayers x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted October 12, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 12, 2016 Ladyboyd----I am so sorry. Because I am still in pain over the loss of my husband, I can only send a prayer and a hug for you. Right now, get that thought of guilt out of your head ---you are NOT responsible for his relapse. It was his addiction that caused the anxiety and depression. NOT YOU!! We are all here for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ladyboyd Posted October 13, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 Thank you both for your responses and your kind thoughts and wishes. I am coming to realize that I may have contributed to my husband's inability to tell me about his relapse. My husband knew that I had never taken drugs, smoked cigarettes, etc. in my life. Although I am a social worker and I always believed that I was very supportive of my husband, in general. However, I am now remembering negative comments I would make about people still smoking pot at the age of 65 or comments about our upstairs neighbor who is an alcoholic and constantly waking us up in the middle of the night with his ranting, not thinking that I was married to (what I thought was) a recovering addict and understanding how those careless comments might have made him feel. This could have been why he was unable to confide to me that he was fearing a relapse, or had already relapsed. He thought I'd be judgmental or disappointed in him. How could I be so unconscious about how those comments might have made him feel? I am so wracked with guilt... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Janice 252 Posted October 13, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 Hi ladyboyd. I think it's only natural at this stage to search for reasons even though we know it's not helpful. Looking back my Bill had really slowed down. He was 6ft 2 and I'm only 5ft 2 so I felt I was nearly running to keep up with him when we were walking. He had slowed down and the awful thing is I was glad. We were walking at the same pace. I thought we were both just getting older but now I'm thinking why did I not question it. He had shoulder pain as well which could have been angina. I suggested going to the dr but he said he was fine. I'm finding it hard to forgive myself for not insisting. Looking back we would all have done things differently. But it doesn't help to dwell on it. This is our life now and somehow we have to live it. Sorry if I can't offer any more comfort but you're in my thoughts and prayers. Sending hugs x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted October 13, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 I feel most of us have feelings of guilt in some way. It's part of the pain and heartache and loss. I was with my husband for 25 years, married for a little over 18. Early in our relationship, my husband was put on high blood pressure meds. In the 70's, he was in the air force for 10 years, he had told me his blood pressure was borderline high back then.Shortly after being on bp meds, he was placed on diabetes oral meds. We were married in the spring of '98, and the summer of the following year he had to start using insulin. At that time, I cleaned everything out of the pantry and threw away all the foods that diabetics are supposed to avoid. My husband wanted all his favorite foods back in the house. I feel that he felt as long as he was on meds, that was it. I tried to get him to see that he had to put in his effort also. High blood pressure and diabetes are reversible in the early stages if a person is willing to do their share.Over the years, I would occaisionaly say something to him about watching what he ate and how much. Never had any effect. My husband liked to eat. He worked many long hours as a truck driver and liked to indulge himself when he was home. I'm also guilty with indulging him. I bought the groceries. But I knew how hard and long he worked and because I loved him, I also wanted him to be happy. My husband is a gentle soul, hard worker, always helpful,generous with me and others. He treated me like a queen, compared to my disastrous, abusive 1st marriage. This past spring, he had an appointment with his cardio doc. We discussed it. My husband remembered the last appointment the previous fall when the cardio doc said that there was really nothing else he could do. There is no cure for congestive heart failure. My husband had me cancel that appointment. I should have made him go. Maybe there could have been another surgery or a pacemaker. My husband didn't want any of that, had enough surgeries. My husband was getting very tired and worn out, esp., the past couple of years. It hurt watching what was happening to him and I did my best to take care of him and make his daily life easier. He wanted to go. He was tired of all the meds and how his body was making him feel. He told me not too long before he passed, that he appreciated everything I had been doing to take care of him. I realize now, that he had made his own free will of choices when it came to food and his health. I feel blessed and thankful that I was the one he chose to be with all these years. So Ladyboyd, do not feel guilty. Your husband had free will with his life. In the afterlife, our loved ones do not judge. They have unconditional love for us. Hugs to you---dig deep for your inner strength! We are still loved and watched over by our husbands! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 13, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 21 hours ago, Ladyboyd said: I'm also guilt stricken. How did I not notice that this was going on? I'm a social worker and should have known that one doesn't just go into rehab and come out "cured." We often don't see things when we're in it, we trust them implicitly and don't suspect unless something is overt and hits us with it. Three weeks before my husband died he came to me and confessed he'd been using Meth. I had not a clue! Looking back I can see what I missed. With every drug use, there are accompanying lies. Lies about money, lies to cover up. After he died, those lies came to me as I began to put two and two together, and I was left alone to deal with it all. It was hard. BUT, I've finally made it through. Some of the things I've learned through all of this is that I've learned to take the whole of the man, not just part of him...and the whole sum was that we had a wonderful love relationship and he adored me. I, like you, knew he'd used years ago, but thought it was all done with. I appreciate that he came to me of his own volition, it beat finding out on my own when I couldn't talk to him about it, but even so, there is so much we never got to talk over because he died so soon over and he was busy trying to deal with getting rehab, coming to terms with his addiction. The heart surgeon said it wasn't the cause of his heart attack, yet I know from my research that it does thin the walls to the lining of the heart...whether it killed him or not, it certainly didn't help. And I don't know that the surgeon would have been completely honest with me, what good would it do? Your husband made his choice and decisions the same as mine did, you weren't part of that, you have nothing to feel guilty about...nor did we have the power to change or control them had we known. We just desperately grasp at straws when they die, all of us, looking for anything that could have given some other possible outcome, even when it's out of our jurisdiction, even when there is no such possibility. It's part of our grieving. Your husband, like mine, got the best when he got you, and he knew and cherished you...the sickness, the addiction is a whole separate thing, apart from you, but affecting you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members EternalFlames Posted October 13, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 So sorry for your loss! I think we all have a blind spot for our loved ones. Addicts are pros at hiding their addictions from friends and family. It's a skill he's practiced his whole life. It's easier to see it as a third party, as a social worker talking to strangers. When you're right in the middle of it, you want to believe the best, you want to trust your partner. When you lose your partner, it's natural to go back and wish you did this or that and maybe you could have saved him. You'd feel that way even if he wasn't an addict. If he had a heart attack from high cholesterol, you'd have wished you insisted he ate healthier the last few years. If he died of cancer (like my wife did), you'd have wished you saw the symptoms sooner and got him treated while it was still curable. If he died of a medical mistake, you'd have wished you did more research and found a better doctor first. Or something like that. The reality is we feel devastated and cheated and wish there was something we could have done to stop it. It feels like someone has to be to blame, and you want to blame yourself because you were the closest one to him. Don't beat yourself up over this. You couldn't have stopped it. What's that rehab saying? "Give me the grace to accept the things I cannot change"? He couldn't change that he wasn addict either. It's just who he was. It's not your fault. Try to focus on the good times you were able to share. Thinking about what you wish you did just makes you miserable (I should take my own advice) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Janice 252 Posted October 14, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 14, 2016 Thank you. It's something I will have to live with. Bill was on medication for cholesterol and was tested just 2 weeks before he died. His reading was normal as was his blood pressure and blood sugar. He was at the gym nearly ever day and swam for 3 miles. Yet he died from a coronary atheroma which means that his arteries were so clogged with fat the blood couldn't get through to his heart. I don't understand. I'm seeing our dr on Mon to talk about that. I'll maybe get some answers. I'm still feeling nauseous every day so I hope he can help with that too. Sending thoughts and prayers to everyone. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 14, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted October 14, 2016 My husband's physique was perfect, huge shoulders, chest, and arms, and 32" waist. He worked hard physically. I had no clue he was about to die. I hope you can get some peace, if not answers. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted October 14, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 14, 2016 Hi Ladyboyd---How are you doing? We all search for answers to the many questions we have about the whys. Most times there are no answers. It is what it is. It's a matter of acceptance which comes in time I guess. I haven't quite gotten to that place of acceptance yet. I know my husband would not have left me if it wasn't for his physical body giving out. We loved each other and our life together. Every day is a struggle. This moment is a struggle. But somehow I manage to get through another day, I really don't know how I do it. Before my husband's health conditions took a hard hold, he was a productive, active, vital man. Things to do, get it done. I used to be the same way. Nothing motivates me right now. I have been out of the employment market since 1999. I was a partner in my husband's trucking business since then and loved being able to spend more time with him and doing things for us. He depended on me and I reveled in it. Our emotional bond was tight, which is why being without him now leaves me lost. I wish things were as easy as picking up the phone and hearing his voice and talking to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kitty Kat Posted October 20, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2016 Oh Ladyboyd, I'm a social worker too and my partner died in July. He had untreated Hepatitis C and after being very ill for 3 months he died of an infection. I didn't know he was going to die. I am really devastated, my heart is broken in a million pieces and feel my soul has split in two and the other half left me. He didn't want treatment for his Hep C but I never thought of the consequences of what that meant, I knew one day he might become ill and even die young but it has still hit me like a train crash. I feel like I should have been strict with him, researched more, insisted he went to see specialists, begged him to take the treatment but I didn't and now he is dead at age 53. We have six year old twins. I am devasted and don't think I'll ever recover from it. I think of him all the time and it feels like all the joy in my life has been sucked out. However, I've suprised myself how I have carried on and keep on carrying on. I'm still in the denial stage I can't believe he would leave me but I'm also angry - angry at him, angry at me, angry at his GP etc. I also feel great sadness and even depression, I can't imagine the rest of my life without him. I am grieving so hard because I loved him so much. I also feel terribly guilty that I didn't help him more and that I wasn't with him when he died, I had been at the hospital late the night before but I was so tired I needed to sleep and go home. He died the next morning. I think we just need to thole it (thole is a good Scots word meaning endure/put up with) so many people lose their partners and feel like we do. I don't believe in the afterlife, sometimes I wish I did but I feel he is still with me. I say goodnight every night to him and still talk to him. So far it hasn't got better I just put on a brave face for everyone. Your partner relapsed, he didn't get time to tell you or for you to notice. Cocaine is an awful drug but its also a drug that is easy to use and to hide. You weren't being foolish not to believe his recovery, people do recover but they also relapse too. I can't say any words to make it better, but I know we will survive this, because we have no other choice. Take care x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Yah, I've Got Issues Posted October 20, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2016 This is to Ladyboyd and all of you who have posted here: Please release the guilt you carry. We are human; not all knowing, not all seeing. You cannot blame yourself. You cannot get stuck in what-if rhetoric with yourself. I'm not sure what happens on the other side, but I feel confident that he is not holding you responsible for his actions. Let go of this, and remember the happiness he brought you. That is the best way to honor him. I know, easier said than done..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Janice 252 Posted October 20, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2016 Thank you. You're right of course. I think it's only human nature to blame ourselves but it doesn't do any good and obviously can't bring anyone back. And my husband certainly wouldn't be blaming me. This is something I just have to get my head around and I'm hoping time will help with that. Good luck to us all x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 21, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted October 21, 2016 It is indeed a natural and normal grief response, something we have to work through. We can know with our minds we couldn't be expected to know more than the doctors, yet in our hearts we feel we "should" have known/done more. I have learned to throw out the word "should", it's worth the paper it's printed on. I have found these articles of help:http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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