KMB

Miss my husband so much-----

43 posts in this topic

How does anyone keep going on? Memories are supposed to make you happy. I'm flooded with memories constantly, even when I'm trying to keep busy and they make me miss my husband even more. My husband would want me to be strong, I'm disappointing him.

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In the beginning the memories are painful but at some point they change and bring you comfort and a smile.  Grief evolves as we go through it.  That doesn't help you right now but I wanted you to know there's hope...

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You're not disappointing him . Try not to think like that. You're struggling to do your best to get through this as we all are. This is one time in your life when you have to be kind to yourself. Just one day at a time. Sending hugs x

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Hi KMB,

This is still so fresh for you. Give yourself time and Know that your husband would be in the same boat. You ARE strong. Dealing with your spouse dying is one of the hardest things we have ever gone through! Give yourself some credit. Some days just getting out of bed is a win! Sending thoughts of healing and strength your way!

Sarah

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Thank you Sarah. I stay in bed way longer than I should or used to do. Can't handle facing reality. Went to a grief support meeting last week. Supposed to work on developing new routines. Not easy to do in the morning. Thought about going for a walk right away in the morning. It's a rainy, cool morning here, typical of fall. Don't feel like a walk in the rain.

I talk to my husband, listen for his answers. I ask him what he would do in my shoes and he says he doesn't know. I guess none of us know, we just somehow struggle through.

I see you are in Minnesota, I'm next door in Wisconsin. All I know right now is that I want to be with my husband. I know I will be when it's my time. I think that every day I can put behind me brings me one day closer to that reunion.

Hugs to you Sarah.

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On 10/12/2016 at 6:29 AM, KMB said:

every day I can put behind me brings me one day closer to that reunion.

That's a positive way of looking at it!

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The first weeks and months are brutal. You're going to feel awful, probably worse than you've ever felt before in your life. But it doesn't last forever.

Grieving is a process. It's a long one. But once you get through it and gradually process all those feelings, then you can move forward and be at peace. The pain will always be there, but it will get to a bearable level, and you'll be able to do things and be happy again. At least that's what I'm seeing from others who are further along in the process. It seems time does most of the work.

How do people keep going on? I think most people just fake their way through the first year, having faith that it will get better over time. That's what I'm doing anyway. I've lowered the bar a lot. I expect very little of myself, except to be honest with myself about my feelings, take the time to talk to my wife's spirit a lot, try to be healthy and take care of myself, and stick to my grief counselling.

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Thank you.EternalFlames. I need to know that at some point I will feel better than this. Yesterday was a really bad day. I tried to enjoy being with my grandchildren but all I can think about is how much my husband and the children are missing out on. Even last night we had thunder and lightning. The 5 year old got up out of bed to look at the lighting and then went back to bed and sleep. Bill would have been so proud of her for not being afraid. It all breaks my heart. I want to do all the things that he did for them. He was very involved with their education and loved to watch them develope. Right now even just being with them exhausts me. I pray it will get better. Thoughts and prayers are with you all x

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15 hours ago, EternalFlames said:

I've lowered the bar a lot. I expect very little of myself

We have to.  It gets down to bare bones survival.  That first summer without George is etched in my mind, in spite of the fact I was in a fog.  I felt so frantic!  I needed to talk to someone, but they all disappeared on me!  It was awful, very little sleep, lack of focus, made mistakes at work, that was unlike me!  I feel my focus has never been back to what it was before his death, but it's returned somewhat.  It took ten years for me to get back into reading!

Those early months, it's good if we can just get out of bed, get dressed, eat, and keep a job.

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Hello all of you - I've been away for a few weeks to bury my beautiful man.  Horrendous abuse from his family - I mean really cruel stuff.  Bizarrely it has made me stronger - am I imagining that?  I don't know - it doesn't matter.  KayC I love your posts - they keep me strong with you seemingly so far along the path and many of us still in the brutal times.  Yes all of you please please be kind to yourselves -  I act during the day and climb the walls at night, then one more day closer to being with my Steve. One day, one minute sometimes one second at a time.  We will get through - no choice.  This site is so safe, so comforting - we all know don't we - we all share that horror - but also love too.  Thinking of you all. xxx

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Hi Loved Mrs T---Grateful to see you back. You voiced it so well, *act during the day and climb the walls at night*--*-we have no choice*----for me at night, it's staying buried under the covers, not wishing to see the light of another day, but have to. *One more day closer*.

I keep trying, I do it for our pets---our own little family. I do it for my husband who can no longer be here physically with us, and I try hard to think he is here spiritually with us.

This is the hardest, tragic happening in my life. I have lost others in my life, but they were not as close physically or as emotionally as my husband. It's different when you lose a life's partner and people don't understand because they still have their spouse. I have lost pets and grieved deeply and for a long time, my husband was there for me. Now I have to go through his loss alone. Family and friends have moved on. Because my husband and  I shared deep love, lived decent, hard working, productive lives, that we would have a longer life together. I was wrong. I have guilt that I never thought about anything like this loss happening. In this life, we think that we have everything under control. We don't. We take a lot of things, including people, for granted. The night my husband passed, I thought it was going to be like any other night and we were planning on grocery shopping the next day. He was going to be starting a new treatment within days. His heart decided otherwise.

Sorry---I keep looking for answers I'll never find. Keep asking why is this my reality?

Loved Mrs T---Prayers and hugs---keep coming back here so we all can find comfort in each other.

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Hello KMB and everyone.  We have so many things in common - not just the loss but the circumstances too.  My brave husband was due to see his surgeon the very next day for a pre-op.  The crash team were on the phone to him in Barcelona (on holiday!?) while they tried to resuscitate - the timing of it all was so tragic.  

I've not connected to guilt about taking my life with Steve for granted yet - but thanks for sharing that.  The unexpected feelings I have are quite shocking.  Perhaps that's one of the reasons this site works so beautifully - we share and so prepare one another as much as we can. 

EternalFlames thanks for reminding me about looking after ourselves - I haven't been - I think all my teeth are about to fall out.  My love would not approve - so I'll spend today honouring my dear Steve with meal plans.  

One thing at a time my friends!

With love. x

 

 

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16 hours ago, Loved Mrs T said:

one more day closer to being with my Steve.

This is a good thing to keep in mind.  Sometimes we feel we aren't getting anywhere, the progress is so slow as to seem imperceptible, it helps to remind ourselves of this.

Good to see you back.  I'm sorry his family is being so horrible.  I do remember growing some moxie when George died, we have to stand up for ourselves, no one else will!

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Hello all.  Moxie isn't a word I've come across - its a good one though and its been going through my mind since seeing your post.  I've been thinking about the strength/moxie it takes to reign in the panic when it bubbles up.  

When I first came on this site (I'm so so glad I did) yours and others' comfort to me was to try not to think about the long term picture: 'what I've got another xxxx years without my beautiful love???'  And while I've been forcing myself to do the 'day stuff' I realise my mind has been drifting to the long term - and hey I get a panic lump anywhere from my stomach right up into my throat.  

So back to basics - stay in the moment - cry/scream out the lumps of panic - say to myself 'early days Mrs T'. This takes moxie.  Steve would have so liked this - I can hear him saying 'keep strong; take it slowly; it'll be OK'.

So today and as I inevitably climb the walls tonight I'll honour my fine loving man by trying really really hard to bear this and show myself some strength.

You are all in my thoughts - love and hope to each of you.

x

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Loved Mrs T----Thank you. Prayers, love and hugs to you. We are in this together.

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moxie - Wiktionary

Noun[edit]. moxie (uncountable). nerve, spirit, backbone, determination and fortitude, courage, force of character · verve, vigor, pep, energy, initiative [quotations ...

 

And there's nothing wrong with crying/screaming too!  I used to drive out in the woods, not far from here, and scream at the top of my lungs.  Probably scared a few bear and elk.

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Hi KMB and KayC and us all.  Didn't manage to pull off the moxie last night that I wanted to - I'll keep at it though.  

I've been considering getting a rescue cat - my twenty year old Bonita died in March (what a terrible year I've had).  I shall call it Moxie - thanks for the definition.  I'm always surprised to come across a new word at 53.  New is ok though - everything's feeling pretty new at the moment.

Sounds lovely out there in Oregon - does nature help you all - reminds me we're just little ants crawling about and soon I'll be closer to him when my crawling about finishes - sorry feeling down today.

Love to you all and an easier day tomorrow and the day after. . . .

x

 

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On 10/9/2016 at 6:44 AM, KMB said:

How does anyone keep going on? Memories are supposed to make you happy. I'm flooded with memories constantly, even when I'm trying to keep busy and they make me miss my husband even more. My husband would want me to be strong, I'm disappointing him.

I wouldn't be worried about being strong.   I don't know what the benefit in that would be, or even what it means.  I'm guessing it means putting on a brave face as though you're on top of things and can deal with it.  In my opinion, that doesn't work.  It's just covering up.  You have to deal with the emotions as they happen.

I hate this so much.  I hardly ever hear from my friends or her friends any more.  The holidays are coming...

 

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I hear you, Jeff. I put on 2 faces. One for other people and when I'm in a public place. The other face, sad, ready to cry, is my real one. I'm never going to be the person I was before and whatever this life is that I'm wallowing thru has no meaning, no joy. I used to welcome the morning. A new day to be productive, enjoy life. Be with my husband no matter what it was we had to do or if we did nothing at all except enjoy each other's company. I have very few people in my life. They all faded away because they don't know what to say, to do, how to deal with my emotions. Many miss my husband, but none more than me, but they say, life goes on.And they are right. Life does go on, but I feel outside of it. Death is a part of life. People die every second of the day and night. Those of us that are left behind, we're lost and lonely. Half the world is happy and we're in the other half.

I'm not looking forward to the holidays either. We have 5 grown children from 1st marriages. They are scattered and involved with their lives. One of the kids gave the idea to have me travel 4 hours, one way, for Thanksgiving Day. I can be put up in a hotel while she works that day (2nd shift). She sleeps until time to go to work. I have no interest staying alone in a hotel room all day, can do that at home here. Good intentions just to get me away from home, but I would still be alone.

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KMB,  again, I really am sorry to read about what you're dealing with.  It doesn't help, but we have plenty of company.  If there is a higher being, I think he/she is really cruel.   Very few people deserve this kind of pain.   Life is joyless and hopeless for me.  It's like someone turned off the lights.

I have one female friend who I could tell anything to.  I met her for dinner a few weeks ago.  I had really wanted to just talk with her, so that I could open up.  Keeping it inside is hard.  I'm getting used to it, though.  Anyway, I was hoping to hear from her after that, but of course I didn't.

Then, as I may have mentioned, a realtor friend of mine had told me this summer that a friend of hers had lost her husband.  She came home and he was dead on the floor.  A few weeks later my friend wrote and said that the funeral was today, and that she was now on the road to recovery!  Beyond stupid...

People ask me how I'm doing and I tell them something like, "Okay, I guess."  They then ask why, and I remind them about what happened.  They are surprised when I tell them why.  I then have to say that nothing has changed.  Why should I feel better?  This is permanent.  

I hope you get a good invitation for Thanksgiving.

 

 

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I went to town this morning to take care of some mail and a banking issue. I was asked, how are you doing? I replied, ok I guess, as well as can be expected. In return, I get, have a good day. I wanted to scream, *don't tell me to have a good day, if you were in my shoes, you wouldn't want to hear that either*. Business places and the same employees that have known my husband and I for years. Only one of the bank tellers understands. She recently lost her dad and her mom is alone all day. She tears up whenever she sees me because she knows what I'm going through, what she is going through, and she sees what her mom is going through. She says that her mom wants to give up and the kids are trying to keep her going as best as their lives and schedules allow.  I know that I'm not the only one suffering with loss. Everyone experiences it in their lifetime, unless a person is a complete hermit and lives off the grid. I guess it's all in how you choose to cope with it. I never gave a serious thought that my husband would leave our life as soon as he did. I always believed that love conquers all. I had faith in modern medicine and technology. Whenever I gave a thought to either of us dying, I thought, old age. I thought, we'll be leaving this life close together. I guess love will conquer all when it's my turn and we are reunited in the afterlife. I'm 57 and I can't fathom being here x amount of years waiting. But I have no choice but to somehow struggle through.

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Loved Mrs. T, yes nature helps me, it puts things back in perspective for me.  That'd be neat if you adopted a rescue and called it Moxie!  Be prepared for it to have quite the personality with that name though! :)

KMB, I doubt your husband is disappointed, I rather imagine he realizes this is the hardest thing you've ever been through.  The fact we're all still here and keeping on is commendable!

5 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

the funeral was today, and that she was now on the road to recovery!  Beyond stupid...

No kidding!  That's NOT realistic or true!

Holidays are always a challenge.  I'm really feeling like staying home, going to the Methodist church for dinner with my neighbor, maybe a phone call later on to my kids.  Nothing is the same since my son got married, all their time is spent with her family.  Maybe I'll go see them when weather permits later on, I'm always missing my grandbaby.

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Her exact words:  "She had the burial ceremony at 11 am today so now that is all behind her hopefully she can move forward and make a life for herself."

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