45 Days

[JustMe840]

     I never expected to be  a widow at 56. I'm sure my husband didn't expect to die at 59. Yet, here we are.

45 days ago my awesome husband and best friend died from an aortic dissection. His dying was completely senseless and preventable.  All he had to do was take his medication like he said he was. From what I can tell, he hadn't taken it with any regularity for the last 4 years. I am so angry about that. He took our entire life and future away for no good reason. 

I don't know how people write so easily what is in their head and heart.  I don't seem to be able to do that. 

I guess I'm here because from everything I've read, people here understand what I'm going through. So many people have written what I feel and can't express.

We were together 20 years, he died 6 days before our 15th anniversary. The moment I met him, I knew we were meant to be. We were perfect for each other.  There was never an awkward moment. We could and did talk to each other about everything. We rarely had disagreements and when we did they didn't last long. We did everything together and now I have no idea who I am without him. I have no clue how to live my life without him , nor do I want to. I just go through the day doing what I'm supposed to and not caring about any of it. I still can't believe he's not coming home.  I can't believe this will be my life now. 

I am a strong person , people have always told me that. Because of that, I think they think I'm handling all of this well.  I have not cried in front of anybody since he died. I haven't cried much at all and I feel guilty about that too. 

Thank you for listening. 

[KMB]

I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. The journey of grieving is an individual process. My husband passed one day later than yours. I've been feeling sadder and more depressed as time goes on. Each day is a constant struggle, minute by minute. I take care of our pets, but very little outside that. I have a hard time functioning. I've also been told, not just by my own husband, but by others that I'm a strong person. I'm trying to be strong for my husband so he is proud of me. I really need to be strong for myself and my sanity.

You have nothing to feel guilty about----grief is expressed in so many different ways. My husband had congestive heart failure and diabetes. He also did not take care of himself properly and also did not take all of his meds on a consistent basis, he did not like the side effects. I kept doing my best to take care of him and I tried for many years to convince him to make healthier food choices, etc. I fought the battle for both of us because of how much I love him. He made his own choices, decisions in connection with his health and he was getting tired and worn out. I felt helpless and scared. And I was in denial that he would lose his life so soon. I'm going to my first grief support meeting on Thursday night. Maybe down the road you might find it helpful also.

Do you have the support of family and friends?--------We're all here for you!

[KMB]

If you find that you can't write on here---maybe start a journal at home on your own. Even if it's just a word or two, get those emotions on paper as you feel them.

[Janice 252]

Hello. Im feeling many of the same emoticons as you. My Bill had a heart attack 23 years ago and made a good recovery. In some ways he did look after his health. He was at the gym 6 days a week. Just 2 weeks before he died he had been to the dr for a check up. BP cholesterol Blood sugar all normal. But he was overweight and his diet was not good. He loved his food. I was always asking him to cut down . Now I wish I had been more forceful. Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing! Sending hugs to you all. Please reply if you can .. Janice x

[KayC]

I am sorry for your loss...my husband had just had his 51st birthday when he died, I was 52.  I never in my wildest dreams expected that our life would be cut so short! 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/01/is-anger-one-of-stages-of-grief.html

[cgmiller63]

Everything you have just said fits me to a T.  I lost my husband of 17 years 3 weeks ago. People tell me that I am handling this well and that I am so strong. What they don't see is that I am only going through the motions. I can already tell people are getting tired of hearing me talk about him, they want everything to go back to normal. But there wlll never be a normal for me.  It really does help coming on this site and reading other peoples stories and talking about your own story. I don't have magic words for you but I am sending you hugs.

[Janice 252]

I know. I keep hearing this phrase "a new normal" but I so want my old normal back . I loved my life. Bill and I had different friends but did so much together. We had wonderful holidays but it's the little things that are breaking my heart. Just looking forward to a new TV series. Going out for lunch or just to the beach.  Going to talks at the library. We loved history and local community events. It was all so low key and I loved it. Everything seems pointless now. Being on here is a big help. Hugs to you all. Try to stay strong. X

[KayC]

I hated the phrase "new normal", I didn't want new, I wanted my life back.  But I gradually had to accept that my life forever changed the day he died, and nothing about it would ever be the same again.  It took me a long time to re-create a life for myself, but it's nothing like it was and I'd trade it in a heartbeat if only I could.

[cgmiller63]

What really sucks is most of our friends were couples, so now I feel like a 5th wheel.  Not only have I lost my best friend but eventually I will have to find a new set of friends.  

We will survive this time, we just have to have faith.

 

[Janice 252]

I know. I keep hearing this phrase "a new normal" but I so want my old normal back . I loved my life. Bill and I had different friends but did so much together. We had wonderful holidays but it's the little things that are breaking my heart. Just looking forward to a new TV series. Going out for lunch or just to the beach.  Going to talks at the library. We loved history and local community events. It was all so low key and I loved it. Everything seems pointless now. Being on here is a big help. Hugs to you all. Try to stay strong. X

[Janice 252]

Apologies for double posting. Nothing is easy any more even posting on here. Know what you mean about friends. No matter how well meaning they will be I know I'll feel like a spare part. Just yet another reality to come to terms with. Sending hugs x

[JustMe840]

I'm very sorry for your losses. I relate to most of your comments. I also do not want a new normal. I want our life back, it was wonderful. I miss the little things, good morning texts when he was on the road, nightly 7:30 phone calls, me watching a movie Friday night that HE put on while he snoozes next to me on the love seat (always made me laugh), Sunday grocery shopping,  the way he spoiled my mom (and me), joking and teasing, everything. I miss every single thing about him. Even the annoying stuff. He was very content to be with just me and over the years I allowed my friendships to go away. Yeah, hindsight is wonderful.  Now I have to start over and make new friends and that's not going to be easy. Everyone I used to know is a couple also, so, yeah, you feel like a fifth wheel. I've decided after reading other's stories on here that I'm making myself crazy by thinking how my life is going to be for the next 30 or more years. It's more than I can comprehend so I'm trying to do just one day now. I miss him today, we'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here. 

My mom lives with me, she doesn't talk about him much because I think she doesn't want to upset me and I still can't talk about him without crying. My best friend is a good listener so yes, I have support.  Not big on leaning on others though. 

I write to him every night before I go to bed. Tell him how my day went, how I'm feeling, what I wish for. I ask him to let me know he's around. I'm still waiting for that. 

It really helps to come here and know that others feel the same things I do. I'm glad I found it and I'm also sad that so many of us are having to deal with this. But we have each other, so we'll make it one way or another. 

[Janice 252]

Hi there. So agree with you about the little things. We too had a wonderful life and I was so grateful. I've come away to the coast for a few days with the family. It was planned months ago. We are staying in a beautiful house overlooking the beach and all I can think is how much Bill would have loved this. I'm going to try and be as positive as I can and not bring everyone down but it is hard. Hope everyone has survived another day. Sending hugs x

[JustMe840]

     Oh!  That would be hard. We go camping in Canada every July with my brother and his family.  I think about going without him next year and I don't want to go. I don't  think about it. I have to get through his birthday on Nov 1st.  I had an awesome 60th party all planned. Then the holidays......one at a time. 

     I do hope you get some joy from it. It must be beautiful.  I don't have any words of wisdom for you,  maybe do something you've never done together?  I am sending positive thoughts your way and hugs . 

     

[KayC]

We used to camp every chance we got.  I haven't camped since he died.  I gave our camper to my son.

[KMB]

Hi ---I can relate perfectly with the life you had and is now gone. I have few friends of my own. My life revolved around my husband and his trucking business and his friends. I was content and happy. I never had to lean on anyone else because my husband was always there. Even with his surgeries and recoveries and the past couple of years with declining medical issues, I was strong for both of us and thought life would go on. I kept the faith for both of us that all he needed was maybe another heart surgery and dialysis. We were going through everything together and it's all blown apart now, I'm lost. I was needed by my husband. I thrived on his needing me and I thrived on handling our daily affairs and routines and chores. I took on a lot of responsibilities over the years, things my husband didn't have time for, basically because I wanted to pull my own weight with all the things that needed to be done. then, the last few years, because he was physically limited. It all made me feel wanted and needed, I was doing my best to be a good wife and remembering the wedding vows, in sickness and in health. I make some strides in doing the usual chores and upkeep, esp., with winter coming. It's all in small bursts. Everything that I've been taking care of on my own now seems so pointless. I was doing things for us---there is no us now.

Went to my 1st support group meet last night. Not used to night driving for many years, Out of my comfort zone with the nightly routine that my husband and I had. Supper,news and tv until bedtime. Took a lot of courage to go. The support group was small, 5 people total. One guy that my husband and I both know who lost his wife to cancer a couple years ago. Very informal meet. I'm the *newbie*---so the others had to bear it while the group leader started with some beginning things. Don't know if this is right for me. Some solace that I was with others going through the same pain of loss and feeling lost and alone. Never thought that this would be my reality.

Hang in there---one day at a time.

[Janice 252]

Hi everyone. WiFi is not great here so I haven't been able to post. Hope everyone is coping. My moods have been so up and down but mostly down. A part of me still doesn't believe it's really happened. Is anyone else feeling physically ill. I know it's partly due to lack of sleep (even with sleeping tablets I'm awake at 3.30am every morning) And I can't eat anything cooked so that's not helping but I feel so sick. I guess that's because my body's still in shock. KMB I know what you mean about driving at night. Yet another challenge to worry about. Hope your support group is useful. sending hugs x

[KayC]

Janice, glad you were able to make it on line.  I'm sorry you're feeling ill, grief does affect us physically, sleep, focus and just general health.  I hope you're seeing a doctor, be sure to tell him/her you're grieving.  Take care of yourself and I hope you can start getting more sleep soon.  It will get better as your mind/body begin to adjust to the changes this has wrought in you.

[Janice 252]

Thank you Kay. I have an appointment with the dr next week. I'm hoping he can give me some answers about why Bill died but also will talk to him about my health. We had some lovely weather at the coast and managed to get out for a few walks. It definitely helped my appetite and i managed to eat some proper food for the first time . That will all help. Hope your feeling stronger too. Sending hugs x