Members darcy12 Posted September 30, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 my life means nothing now since I've lost my little girl I just hate everything and everyone around me why do other people get to keep there children and I don't I lost my life the day my little Angel I can't even think straight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Cheryl, Tony's Mom Posted September 30, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 Darcy, I am very sorry for your loss of your precious little girl. I lost my son Easter Sunday and the pain is overbearing still. You look at other people and wonder why was my child chosen to be an Angel. It makes NO sense at all. The numbness, the tears, fears, frequent trips to the gravesite. I am sure you were a great mother. Your angel felt loved all the time. I will keep you in my prayer. There are people who love you! Lean on your support system.Cry whenever you want too! Look at all the pictures and videos all you want to. Come to this site to vent, share pictures and to cry. There are many of us who knows your pain. The one piece of advice I will offer is to get up every day and let your Angel guide you from there. She is with you holding your hand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members darcy12 Posted September 30, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 everyday with her 8year old sister is hard as well just because I don't feelike like a mum no more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Cheryl, Tony's Mom Posted October 2, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 But you are a mother! You have another child to hold and love. She needs you and much as you need her at this time. May I ask what happen to your precious daughter? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Posted October 2, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 cxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members darcy12 Posted October 3, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2016 I found kayla not breathing in her cot I thought she had one of her fits but when she didn't come too I hard the chest compression's on her till the paramedics turned up but when she got to the hospital they carried on for another hour but they said it was too late they told me she had a massive heart attack and really bad chest infection witch made her stop breathing and stopped her heart beating Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Posted October 3, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2016 Oh Darcy, i cannot tell you how my heart hurts and goes out to you ~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members darcy12 Posted October 3, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2016 Thank you hun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members janris Posted October 13, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 There is nothing worse than losing a child...and every loss is different.. the one thing that I learned with the loss of our first son, also a baby who we found in convulsions in his crib with a fever of 107, as hard as it is for you, you need to do your best to be there for your other daughter, we were not, we fell to pieces and many years later our children were still struggling with their grief as we were not there to help them to understand the grief that they felt. They told us that they felt that they also lost their parents when the baby died. After 2 years of intense grief we decided to have another child and even our two daughters were so overjoyed that we all treated our new son like royalty! When our second son was killed, one of our daughters started to retreat like we did and her children needed her to be there for them. I tried to share my experiences with her and she refused to believe that she was doing what we had done to her and her sister when their brother died. I know how painful it is to put your grief aside for even a moment and understand that it is difficult to go through with other young children, but please make sure that if you are not able to help and support your other daughter that you ensure that she sees a counselor at school or privately so that she can work through her own grief too. Big hugs to you n this difficult time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members darcy12 Posted October 13, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 thank you I Try not to push her away but it's so hard I asked the school to keep a eye on her after her sister past and they said she is fine nothing is wrong with her she is acting like a normal 8yr old and that she hasn't graved yet and she has stopped talking about her sister now and I don't no if I should take her to see someone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members janris Posted October 13, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 13, 2016 I am sure that you are not pushing her away, sometimes we just don't always see what is going on around us because of our own ain. As long as you keep an eye on her or the school does she is more likely to show it at school because kids are just as protective of their parents as we are to our children. I know my grandson was afraid to get upset because it would upset his mom at first so counselling at school helped him quite a bit. You will get through it, it is going to take a lot of time but it will slowly get easier for you to handle, you will never forget her and it will always hurt, but you will learn to get through the days as time goes on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members darcy12 Posted October 14, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 14, 2016 how do u know when a child is greaving Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members janris Posted October 14, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 14, 2016 the have a change in their personality...sometimes they act up and misbehave to gain attention which they normally would not do and sometimes they withdraw and keep to themselves more. It is hard to say because all children are different but these are the two things that I have seen. We make sure that we talk about our son to our grandkids and reminisce with them and this sometimes brings up some of their feelings. Kids are pretty resilient for the most part, butif they had a close relationship then they will feel the loss too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted October 15, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 15, 2016 oh janris and Rainie to lose two children how awfully tragic i am sorry. I dont know what to say except you are amazing to be able to keep going on and surviving. darcy grief is very different for each person. My son 20 is supportive and quiet about losing his 24 yr old brother, my eldest daughter 23 was furiously angry at everyone and everything and lashed out verbally in a spiteful way blaming others, and my other daughter 22 refused to engage at all refused to have any input into her brother's funeral or discuss much at all. She had to defer her last year at university because of depression and started again this sept. All my children grieve but mainly with each other there are feelings of lost opportunities and sadness that they did not have the perfect relationship with their brother who had struggled with drug addiction for many years besides ADHD and Bipolar disorder. Also living in a different country from their brother so the relationship was strained. i believe therapy is a vital tool in recovery but as adults they all need to seek it out for themself but as yet have not chosen the opportunity. Therapy helps you find the light again and heal but it takes a long time and the wound of losing a child never heals it is always there but it becomes bearable over time. We are all survivors Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members darcy12 Posted October 15, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 15, 2016 my little is only 8 and is showin nothing and acting like nothing happened Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Posted October 15, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 15, 2016 Sorry ~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members janris Posted October 16, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2016 it is hard for them my grandson who is 8 does not show it very often, but he does have his moments when he talks about him and says how much he misses him, and those times quite often coincide with behavioral issues as school or daycare. All kids are different though so hard to know what each one will do and how they will react. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members darcy12 Posted October 16, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2016 she don't even don't even do that I just get the odd nasty comments out off her then we have a blow up about it then I feel worse mum ever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Posted October 16, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2016 Darcy, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members janris Posted October 16, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2016 Rainie is right this is part of one of the growing phases that children go through....it gives them power to know how to upset you! they will find the thing that they know will make you angry to get a rise out of you and you are extra sensitive right now. try not to let her get you going and when she says nasty things try and ask her why she is saying these things and if she tells you it is because she is angry about the loss just hug her and tell her that everything will get better and that you are just as angry and explain that hurting others because she is hurting does not make it better and hold her as tight as you can. Try and hug each other as often as you can and be there for each other, you are both grieving and need support. HUGS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members darcy12 Posted October 16, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2016 I don't even know how to talk to her or what to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members janris Posted October 16, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2016 just let her know that you understand she is hurting and that you are too.. tell her you love her and that you will always be there for her if she needs to talk or just needs a hug. Just be honest with her and make sure she knows you are there for her too. Basically open the door for her to come in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members darcy12 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 I think I messed up with her to day we sat down and had a talk about everything then she went up stairs and painted all her toys and stuff I had to get my dad to deal with her so I could just walk away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted October 17, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 We still have to spread tommy's ashes and have a plan to do so at Easter next year well over a year since he died (Aug 2015) My youngest daughter 22 does not want to go I think because it will make it real that her big brother is really gone. She did not engage with any of his funeral plans either so i think she is in some kind of denial but each of us grieves differently. My other two children 20 and 23 plan to attend the occasion in the USA and I gather the stepmum and stepdaughter are also going which does not fill me with joy but hey ho its all about Tommy not us. My vert nasty ex will also be there so I will just get through that time as best I can. My point is each one of us is different and we also go through stages there is no right way to grieve. just try and keep the communications open and be guided by their reactions. counselling can be really useful for everyone I wish my guys would go buy mine are adults so make their own choices. You are still her mum just being there to hold her and love her is a gift that keeps on giving even if words are not used. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Laytonsmom Posted October 20, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2016 In addition to grief a surviving child will often have to deal with feelings of inadequacy and loss of self esteem, especially at your daughters tender age, whenever a grief stricken parent turns away from them, even in the slightest. They are not emotionally able to realize it isn't intentional or personal and feel as if they are being rejected. You mentioned you didn't know what to say to her, it's simple. You grab her in your arms and tell her how very much you love her, and assure her you love her just as much as the child you just lost. You tell her you're sorry if you haven't been the best mother recently but explain the best you can that it is only because you have been so sad. And do not, under any circumstances show her any anger if she acts out immediately following the discussion of your loss. everyone grieves differently and acting out is a normal way for someone your daughters age because they don't know how to deal with all the painful emotions they are assaulted with. That is not to say you should not dicipline your child for any other bad behavior just not when it is clearly the result of her pain. You will be able to tell based on how recently you discussed your loss because children are resilient and don't internalize the way we do. And then go out your way to reach out to her every day to express your love and assure her you are always there for her. I know it's hard to comfort someone else when you're grieving yourself but you owe her that much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members darcy12 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2016 when is the best time to get a councillor or someone to talk her as at school they say she is the perfect child then when she gets home she is right monster Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Posted October 20, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2016 RE:COUNSELOR.. ASAP. FROM MY ECPERIENCE. AND WHAT I SENSE WITH UR DAUGHTER,,,SHE KNOWS WHAT I CALL'HOW TO APPEAR normal ' even tho inside she is raging, hurting etc.. it seems at home she gives herself the freedom to be real . and with a counselor it will be her time with an unbiased or emotionally involved person. Rainie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted October 26, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 26, 2016 hugs hugs and more hugs sometimes words are not needed. be strong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members janris Posted October 27, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 27, 2016 Layton's mom You are so right about how the younger children will act out when they are grieving, this is a call for attention as they are also grieving and don't know what to do... they need reassurance that you are there for them. We made the mistake of burying ourselves in our grief when we lost our infant son and our children struggled to get through their grief and are grieving more so now over the loss of 2 brothers because now they understand how they can get through it. They have carried it for almost 25 years and it changes them as people, they carry a lot of anger that they could have let go years earlier. Just be there for her when she needs you and let her know how much you love her and that you are always open to talk about her brother when she feels the need. Also talk about your memories together with her as well... just the remember when's... they are a big comfort to them as they fear they will forget them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Posted October 27, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 27, 2016 MY ECOERIENCE IS THAT SOME MEU BE ABLE TO CARE FO THE CHILDREN AFTER THEIR LOSSES. AND IF ITD THE FIRST TIME ONE HAS LOST A CHILD IT IS ALL ONE CAN DO TO SIRVIVE. SO IT IS NOT ALWAYS POSSIBKE TO VATE FIR THE CHILDREN STILL THERE AND PATENTS FEEL BAD ENOUGH THAN BEING EXPECTED TO DO THIS. WHEN I LOST MY FIRST CHILD I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO COPE. AND WHEN I LOST RON IT WAS THE AAME WXCEP I KNEW TO SERCH THE WEB FOR SUPPORT THAT WOULD HELPING Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members janris Posted October 27, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 27, 2016 Of course not Rainie.... No one knows how to cope with a loss of a child it is every parents nightmare!!! learning to cope takes a lot of time, just harder for children because they do not know how to ask for help and they do not want to upset the parent anymore by telling them how upset they are. that is why as parents we need to try and watch for changes in behavior as it is usually a cry for help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Posted October 27, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 27, 2016 This is so true. And probably these kids also are watching us wanting us to be ok..it's kinda a team effor and kids are wiser that we sometimes give them credit for at earlier ages than we realize. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted October 27, 2016 Members Report Share Posted October 27, 2016 just know its normal to feel overwhelmed by your own loss and sometimes not being able to give support to others even your own children because you are hanging on by your fingernails yourself. When you can give as much as you can and let other family members help to give support when you cannot. I'm a huge advocate for counselling for every age including us big grown ups. The counsellors can help to untangle the complicated threads and behaviors that grief causes and give each individual the strength to keep going. it is sometimes easier to unburden to a counsellor, we often keep things back unsaid because of fear of upsetting others. Just recognize everyone is differerent and has different needs and perspectives, there is no "right" way to grieve, we all have to go through it at our own pace and heal in our own time. children are very different and may internalise or act out when all they really need is the total assurance that they are loved and safe and that they are not alone in feeling so lost and scared.My heart goes out to you parents with young children I find it hard to manage with my adult children es[ecially as they live away from home or are at university in different cities. its harder to breach those emotional walls because of distance so i try to be guided by them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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