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Doreah

I feel I'm falling apart

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Doreah   

I found this sight while trying to find ways of trying to put pieces together before I pry myself to go to class...The past couple weeks I have had my "everything is okay" face on. Not a great one and I've cracked here and there but the past few days I've been in a state of either the brink of tears or numbness and not caring about school. My Ma passed away February 24th, 2016. So it's been 7 months and I am losing my mind. She is the third member of my amazing adopted family to pass away and she was the one I was closest to. My Mommie passed July 15th, 2009, after my high school graduation, it was caused from her Stroke in 2006 finally taking it's toll since her organs were starting to fail a year prior, and my Auntie who left us December 24th, 2012 3 months after she found out she had stage 4 cancer in her brain, back and lungs...just out of the blue. I don't know what to do...I've lost the most amazing women that saved me at 10 years from my life between my bipolar/schizophrenic and abusive mother and foster homes. I have an Aunt left but she herself has lost her mind and became obsessed with her work and still has all three of their ashes and won't let them go even though I know that's in their will...which I haven't seen any of their wills either...I've taken over my Ma's house which I promised I would and I'm struggling to afford it...Since my last job was in September and I left it so I could take care of Ma in her final days I have been struggling to get another one and also to keep my motivation up for school and my grades...I'm losing it...I don't know what to do...I've started to try my luck again at setting up Appointments with VA to start seeing a therapist but since I was only in the Army for 4 years and never deployed...my only reason being out is a car accident I was passenger to that made me unfit to be a soldier... so I don't feel right being in a free health care where genuine people who have actually laid down their lives go...but I can't do his myself...I'm trying so hard not to become my biomother and i know that means seeking help...I'm so sorry for rambling to completely strangers about my problems but the VA hasn't gotten back to me about even getting me a primary care provider and I don't know what to do. I thought venting to people who are not close to me and are now busy with their lives to even bother with me. I'm so lost...and feel...broken. Thank you to those who even bother to read this ramble. I don't know if I should ask you for advice or how I can get through this...idk. 

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Doreah, I'm too exhausted to write a lengthy response but I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and at such a young age.  It may not help to know it, but getting over a loss as serious at this one will take time.  Go easy on yourself and don't expect yourself to do much or not experience these hard feelings.  At the same time, take care of yourself, see  counselor if that would help, or join an in person support group, many churches have them and hospitals too.  Allow yourself time to grieve, but don't shut yourself off from your life and the rest of your goals. Your mom would surely be devastated to see you do that.

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