Where two become one!

[Rodd]

How can a shattered heart ever find peace. There is no other Antony, there is no other love as epic as ours.Life without him is pointless, and void. Every morning i awake, i awake alone. Though knowing I'll ask him as if he was still with me, "does he want cream of wheat or oatmeal?" I can't stop crying at nights when i retire to bed, holding HIS pillow, fragrance'd still after his passing. I can not wash his pillow, i need to smell my husband's cologne, i need to feel him holding me and whispering in my ear as he nibbles on my neck, "can i keep you?" My life is not the same since his passing. How often i wish that we had died in each others arms, as nobly as that sounds; like Marc Antony and Cleopatra ...had i an asp, i would have surely introduced it's venom to my chest.

 

There are NO WORDS! to console me, NO TIME! to heal this broken heart, only in the arms of death can i once again embrace my King, my Perfect Love, my God.

Rodd and Anthony to Eternity's end.

[claribassist13]

Rodd, 

It sounds like you are enduring the same pain that many of us feel. The prospect of facing a life without the person we love most is daunting. 

I'm not sure how far along you are, but it's important to make sure that you are practicing good self-care. You won't want to do it; it will seem pointless. However, (I cannot attest to your personal beliefs) I truly do believe that our loved ones never leave us. I believe that they are with us spiritually. We carry them on in our hearts and our lives, because that it what soulmates are. Soulmates are a single person residing in two separate bodies. Just as there is a part of you in Anthony, so is there a part of Anthony in you. When all else seems pointless, try to hold on to the part of him that lives on in you. Don't kill what is left of him by refusing to care for yourself. 

You are right. There are no words to make it better, and time will only allow us to better manage the consistent pain of our broken hearts. It will be a long time until you feel even somewhat normal again, and that's okay. 

If you have yet to see a grief counselor, I recommend seeing one. Not only are they specially trained to provide tools and knowledge for moving through the grief process, but they are a completely unbiased party to talk to. 
If you don't want to see a counselor, that's cool too. Just make sure you are talking to someone about the pain you are going through. Everyone here can understand (to some extent) the pain you are suffering with. You are always welcome here. If you have other people in your life who can listen, utilize them. 

Please continue to post and talk with us. You'll find only sympathetic ears here. 

[KayC]

Rodd,

You so aptly describe the anguish of love continuing beyond loss...as we all deal with.  I am so sorry for your loss, but I'm glad you've found your way here and hope it helps you to at least be able to pen your words to those who understand and care.

[Rodd]

Hi Claribassist13 & KayC, 

 

I'm not sure if I thanked you for your kindness, your sincere condolences.

So I THANK YOU! most truely now.

The sorrows, the pain I feel when my Anthony passed are with and in me daily.

While healing is another term for distraction, not resolution, it beguiles me to understand how in a country such as America, permitted ...no! hastened his death. While the State of Florida is unquestionably "GUILTY of murder by WILLFUL NEGLECT" and INDIFFERENCE citing their FLORIDA WRONGFUL DEATH STATUTE ( please google) the hastening of a another human being's LIFE is UNCONDONABLE!. While possessing exculpatory medico-legal evidence to support Anthony's Wrongful Death, disturbs and reviles me against what we valantly hail as a civilized democratic american society which emphasises by Constitution ( trumping ALL LAWS AND STATUTES ) ....LIFE, LIBERTY and the PURSUIT of HAPPINESS.

Despite consulting legal representation in Florida, NOT one of the self-acclaimed top notch attorneys will look into the matter. Anthony was euthanized without my consent. I believe this is called murder by proxy- ref- state florida wrongful death statute, and to mention the State of Florida's neglectful homicide in deference to a human life via CFS.

How with all Holy Judgement, I pray DIVINE JUDGEMENT upon those directly responsible.

While a young man's LIFE was taken from him because of an UGLY, EVIL legislative assembly that VALUES their own spurious agendas, truly marks the end of mankind, as mankind purports to emulate anything Holy.

I've seen enough! 

Where is the Justice in this senselessnes?

I have spoken and shared with many widows and widowers Anthony's unholy terminated Life, ...and with great sorrow they have shared the SAME forced Life-terminated conclusions with their respective Loved ones to me.

I INTEND to PROSECUTE the State of Florida for Murder in the first degree of my late husband . 

No political assembly is above the Law, NOT even the Legislature.

For now! I willfully dwell in the Valley of death with my late beloved husband to honour that sacred covenant: till death do us apart, and there will be no parting until such time that there is TRUE! JUSTICE! and it TRIUMPHS!!! so, then I shall let go. "TRULY, truly, what GOD has put together, NO Man may put assunder."

We're Americans, WE Live and Fight for JUSTICE ALWAYS!!!

[KayC]

heal·ing

ˈhēliNG/

noun

1. 1.

   the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again.

   "the gift of healing"

adjective

1. 1.
   tending to heal; therapeutic.

   dis·trac·tion

   dəˈstrakSH(ə)n/

   noun

    

   1. 1.

      a thing that prevents someone from giving full attention to something else.

    

    

   2.

   extreme agitation of the mind or emotions.

   12 hours ago, Rodd said:

   While healing is another term for distraction

   I disagree.  I belong to a website called griefhealing.com.  The moderator who began the forum years ago told of why she named it this.  It's because healing is a process and part of our grief journey.  We continue to grieve but we are in the healing process as we do.  Distraction actually hinders healing as it keeps you from grieving properly.

   It is better described here, by the counselor that named it such: http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/09/grief-healing-where-did-you-get-that.html 

   On to the other part of your post in which you ask where is the justice in what happened?  There was no justice.  Perhaps in suing you can bring some justice but it does not bring complete relief because you are still without your loved one. I've heard this stated many times from those who have brought a perpetrator to account for their crime, and as they are locked up, they talk about it didn't bring what they were hoping for but they're glad to see it bring some sense of closure so they can begin to grieve.  Perhaps this is what is needed for you.  You are certainly in my prayers as you navigate your way through this.

[Francine]

On 9/28/2016 at 10:54 PM, Rodd said:

How can a shattered heart ever find peace. There is no other Antony, there is no other love as epic as ours.Life without him is pointless, and void. Every morning i awake, i awake alone. Though knowing I'll ask him as if he was still with me, "does he want cream of wheat or oatmeal?" I can't stop crying at nights when i retire to bed, holding HIS pillow, fragrance'd still after his passing. I can not wash his pillow, i need to smell my husband's cologne, i need to feel him holding me and whispering in my ear as he nibbles on my neck, "can i keep you?" My life is not the same since his passing. How often i wish that we had died in each others arms, as nobly as that sounds; like Marc Antony and Cleopatra ...had i an asp, i would have surely introduced it's venom to my chest.

 

There are NO WORDS! to console me, NO TIME! to heal this broken heart, only in the arms of death can i once again embrace my King, my Perfect Love, my God.

Rodd and Anthony to Eternity's end.

I am so very sorry for your loss and know the pain you're experiencing only too well.  My Charles and I had a storybook marriage -  you know the kind where you live happily ever after - that kind.  He was my prince who loved me unconditionally, protected me fearlessly and supported me completely; the only difference - I never got the opportuniity.   I thought as you did - life is pointless.  I go through the day-to-day activities of life with no vision, no desire, no motivation, no aspiration.  Night appear to be the worst time for me.   It's during the quiet of  night, when the days dust has settled, and the world closes its doors, that I am along with my thoughts and they take me places.   Places that are so painful that my tsunami comes and literally drowns me. 

I too needed to smell the fragrance of my Charles best wearing cologne, so I'd wear one of his shirts and put the cologne on it.  When he was here, I would tease him saying he had spilled the entire bottle on himself and we'd both laugh about it.  Oh, how  I long to smell him wear it again.  I miss all the "crazy" things we use to do; one in particular, the song he made up just for me.  It was a real cute song  had a catchy beat and lyrics to it and one day he just started singing it to me - and from then one, that was my song.  When I'd get down for any reason, he'd sing my song and the world was alright with me.  If I'd wake up in the morning with something heavy on my mind or the day seemed impossible to face,  I'd just take one look at my Charles, and I knew it was gonna be a lovely day.  His presence in my life did that. 

I use to think after my Charles left this world, my life was pointless.  Now my feeling are changing.  It's amazing how much our lives opens up once we stop filling it with meaningless activities and pointless drama.  As hard as it might be, you might want to consider letting go of what you think  your life is supposed to look like and celebrate it for everything it is.

I've been there - I didn't want to hear people say all the *words* one say when losing a loved one.  Sometimes they were so inadequate, and then again, sometimes they would lift me from the lowest rock I was at that time. Sometimes we have to get knocked down lower than we have ever been to stand back up taller than we ever were.  Words can also make us cry or laugh, heal  or wound and can change the way we think and feel.    The only thing I can do on this website is try to uplift people with my words and if I can bring a little sunshine to just one person, than my day becomes brighter.  While we all on this website want to be the sun to lighten up someone's life, I pray to be someone's moon to hopefully brighten up their darkest hour.

To answer your initial question, "How can a shattered heart find peace".   I don't know if it really does.   While your heart might tell you that once everything falls into place, you'll find peace; your spirit will tell you, once you find your peace, everything will fall into place.   Your peace is God!

Sending prayers your way.

 

[HHFaith]

16 hours ago, Francine said:

I'd just take one look at my Charles, and I knew it was gonna be a lovely day.  His presence in my life did that. 

Wow Francine. This really hit me. I felt the same  way about Pat. It's amazing how much better I felt when I saw him walk through the door, or when I saw him sitting on the porch waiting for me as I drove up.  It reminds me of some favorite lyrics from the Anniversay Song by the Cowbiy Junkies..."have you ever seen a sight more beautiful than a face in a crowd of people that lights up just for you?"  I can picture that face, those blue eyes, and that special smile he had when he was truly happy. We were truly happy having each other in our lives. I miss so many things about him every day. Im having a real good cry right now. I guess I needed it!

[KayC]

One thing I've noticed on this site, is that all of us here that are grieving the loss of our soul mate, we speak of the same amazing love...a love that many in the world have not experienced, married or not.  We were the ones fortunate enough to find it, to live with it, experience it, and now we are grappling with the loss that is in relation to the love we shared.  It can feel overwhelming.

16 hours ago, Francine said:

I use to think after my Charles left this world, my life was pointless.  Now my feeling are changing.

I'm glad to hear that, Francine.  It's a reminder to everyone here that we need to give it time, do our grief work, and let ourselves go through the process, the changes that take place, bit by bit.  I am just so sorry for each and every one here that experiences this great loss and is left grappling with what to do with it.  We loved the best and now we grieve the greatest.

[Francine]

 

4 hours ago, HHFaith said:

It's amazing how much better I felt when I saw him walk through the door, or when I saw him sitting on the porch waiting for me as I drove up.   I can picture that face, those blue eyes, and that special smile he had when he was truly happy. We were truly happy having each other in our lives. I miss so many things about him every day. Im having a real good cry right now. I guess I needed it!

Same here - I was happy just because he was happy.  Just reading your post brought back so many good memories - before I retired, he'd be waiting for me on the porch to come home and when I did, his face would light up and he'd give me that smile of his that always made me melt.  Same here - we lived for each other - that is the most loving thing I think a couple can do.  I know what you mean about the crying - just getting through this post and not having the tears swell up in my eyes and about to roll down my face is difficult.  But you know what, I can't control them, so I'll let them to what they want to do - in a good way - I think we both needed it. 

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm glad to hear that, Francine.  It's a reminder to everyone here that we need to give it time, do our grief work, and let ourselves go through the process, the changes that take place, bit by bit.  I am just so sorry for each and every one here that experiences this great loss and is left grappling with what to do with it.  We loved the best and now we grieve the greatest.

Thanks KayC -

You're right - We do need to give ourselves the time, but not one day goes by that Charles is not in my heart.  The day he was taken from me was not just a date on the calendar, but the day my very existence changed forever.  Ditto your quote, "we loved the best and now we grieve the greatest".  I know I'll grieve Charles forever until I'm with him again - and that's OK but knowing I have my God, prayer, and this website to go to for support, gives me the comfort and strength to make it through.