Young Love, Old Hearts

[MyDancer]

It seems like my grief is so minimal after reading about so many people losing 25 year relationships and so forth...But I still feel it so strong. I am 26, my love passed away a year and a half ago, and we were together 4 years. He was 24 when he died, and I was a month from turning 25.  He had so much to live for, so much to do. He was a beyond amazing ballet dancer that had so much to share with the world. His dancing was so flawless, passionate, illuminating, so entrancing he even got into the American Ballet Theater in New York among many others. This grief consumes me some days but it doesn't others because I am strong. I know how to stay busy, and know he wouldn't want that of me. Thats the days though. Nights? I talk to him, cry with him, hold him, and laugh with him. I cannot find it within me to stop, to accept the idea that maybe he can't hear me anymore. 

So many people might see this as I have my whole life ahead of me "its only a matter of time." "You're young." Especially after they grasp the whole story and put together the pieces that this was definitely not the most perfect relationship. The perfect love, maybe. Two half souls who found each other and became whole again. But, he made many mistakes, bad ones. The worst you can think of. If I label them people lose the magic they see in our love story. The one thing that never changed, except for strengthening, was how much he loved me. His poetic way stole my heart, and no matter what he did my faith would not lesson, my love never dented. Mistakes don't define a person, and he was always so remorseful of the troubles he brought upon himself. He was always trying but didn't believe in himself. He always thought he could find the easy way out. But isn't that how being young is? Thinking you can find a better way? And having to learn the hard way? Cut corners? My Davey ran out of time. We all have a habit of relying on time, but that is the most common downfall. One cannot just expect life to work with us, we have to work with life.

I started this blog wanting to rant about my best friend who decided to berate me for inconveniencing her with my grief. It was his birthday today, the 27th, (its after midnight now) and I asked her days ago to have a drink with me tonight in his honor so I wasn't alone. Tonight she decided she'd rather stay at her other friends house, and not spend money on a beer, when thats what she does every night anyways. I don't push my grief onto people in my life, but I talk about him every other day or so. Triggered memories, and things I learned from him. To my friend? This is me not getting over it, not moving on. Bullshit. I'm not going to just stop talking about 4 years of my life just because the inspiration of that time has died, just because it makes you uncomfortable that the memory I'm sharing is of someone that is dead. That doesn't mean my memories have died, that doesn't mean I want to remember him any less. I share my memories with a smile on my face not crying it out. I only cry at night when the empty bed can share my pain, and not every night... I don't wish to share pain with people in my life, push that energy onto them. She treats his memory like some asshole who made those mistakes and left me. Not someone who was my best friend, my pillar, my right hand who made me feel beautiful, unique, and magical, who was fighting hard demons, and never got to see that battle out. She said some unforgivable things about how she is strong and I am not. This is coming from a girl who has it easy, has her dad pay for everything then cries for a year and still crying about some boy she fucked for 2 months going back to his ex. How can she tell me I'll hurt forever because I still express love for him?

There is so much more she angered me over, but its not what I want to remember right now. I want to remember him. I want to share the magical way he was, the way he moved, spoke, laughed, and why I find it so hard to get past this. I might have so much time ahead of me (or maybe not, time cannot be predicted) but that just seems worse. Any other love I foresee going forward seems so pale compared to what I felt with him. Even the connections I make with non-love interests. After being so in-sync with someone I am hyper aware of what a true connection really feels like. Mistakes aside he was a beautiful person who deserved to defeat his demons. He wasn't going to give up until he beat them. But then the pneumonia hit, and he had weakened himself too much to fight it. I just see myself with some husband down the road wondering, will he care that when we both die, it is Davey I will be gliding towards as my soul breaches that dimension? How will someone ever want to marry a woman who's heart belongs to a dead man? I wouldn't be so cruel to not let my future relationships not know the complexity of my past, the depth. I would never lure someone into a false sense of security. Do I truly have to pretend I'm not so invested for someone to truly see me? As opposed to seeing what I feel, and the lost light in my eyes?

Maybe that is dramatic. I am pretty damn good at going about my day as "me." I suppose only I notice the slight change of optimism, that hint of humorous cynicism that colors my tone nowadays. The taste of "**** it," and the urgency for people to see what bigger problems lay beyond what their shallow eyes can see. What experience brings, and what growth really means. What it truly means to gain wisdom. It means pain. It means sacrifice. It means love. To love unconditionally? I cannot stress enough that to love so completely is not so simple. Unconditionally is to not judge, not keep count, not feel entitled, or malicious when things go wrong. I'm tired of people acting like I was too good for him to still be grieving for him. Just because he fucked up doesn't make him any less worthy of love. Only less susceptible to trust, and that can be gained. I have come to the conclusion that it is a curse to feel so much, to love so much, but it is more of a blessing. It may bring pain, but I would rather hurt like this, be misunderstood, than live an empty, self centered, self entitled, delusional life. I live for his love, his memory, and I'll be damned if anyone tries to discredit what we had because of what was left on the surface, unfinished and unresolved. I don't need or condone that negativity in my life. His memory is enough to get me through their judgement. I have to keep telling myself that. His dancing, beauty, passion, and devotion for me is inspiration enough to keep putting my feet forward. He is my light, my angel, my moon, and he is waiting for me.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, MyDancer said:

It seems like my grief is so minimal after reading about so many people losing 25 year relationships and so forth.

To each of us, our loss is the greatest, how could it be any other way!  It's not length of time, it's quality of relationship.  I know someone who was married a long time but relieved when her husband died, he was physically abusive and an alcoholic.  So it really isn't how long we were together, it's how it was between us that defines our grief.  Your grief is as valid as anyone's!

Being young does not mean you grieve any less.  People shouldn't feed you cliches, they're inappropriate.  Only you define how your life will go, and that will take you time.

I'm sorry your friend wasn't able to be there for you...people who haven't been through this just don't get it.  Thank God they don't, we wouldn't want everyone else to experience this.  BUT we need people that can relate and care.  My friends fell by the way when my husband died, but I ended up with new ones.  Grief can seem a lonely trail.

I'm sorry for your loss, his birthday must have been hard to go through.

[Felpel91]

I can relate so much to everything you wrote. It doesn't matter if they weren't perfect, or if they hurt you.  My boyfriend had done some hurtful things too due to his mental illness before he passed.  It doesn't mean they didn't ferociously love you. and it doesn't mean you can't grieve losing them regardless.  Everyone does hurtful things. It seems like people treat the death of a boyfriend or a girlfriend as something less severe.  But it doesn't matter the title of the person. Whether you were married or not.  Losing my boyfriend was the absolute worse thing that could have happened to me.  Some people don't understand because they aren't as close with their significant others. Or they think "You're only 25, you'll meet someone else." They don't understand how difficult it is to just 'meet someone else' when the only one you really want is dead.  I hope you're doing okay and you've managed to find some friends or family who can understand.

[KayC]

Oh Felpel91,

I would never discount your love or your grief because you weren't married!  And no, their having done something hurtful does not mean you didn't love him with all your heart, nor does it mean he would have continued hurting you.  Sometimes people do things because they're out of whack and need help, medicine or something, sometimes they're not at their best.  

And to say "you'll meet someone else" is extremely inappropriate, it only shows their ignorance regarding loss and grief.  Even though they mean well, we wish they wouldn't say such things.  And your age has nothing to do with it!

[Ajsmother]

MyDancer,

Firstly,  I want you to know that I am praying for your strength. My boyfriend passed last month and I still think about him daily. I have daily conversations with him as well. Not sure if he hears me, but it helps me. Not one relationship is perfect and we all have our issues. What I love about love is, we love our significant others imperfections, as God loves ours. Know that your dancer hasn't stopped dancing. He is now dancing for the most prestigious company of all. God's Kingdom.. people who have not experienced this,  will never understand what we go through. They try to be sensitive, however at times they don't know what to say.  I pray for you and your strength as I know it's a daily battle.  Know that God is with you honey,  and he we will never leave nor forsake you.